At a time in which I feel I am fighting for my darkroom's existence, I forgot another community darkroom is opening.  The Halide Project - a gallery and workshops group - in Philadelphia is opening one.  I really like this group.  I met them at the Trenton Punk Rock Flea Market some years ago.  they were doing tintypes or some other alternative process on the spot.  I talked to them and arranged to have my students come for a gallery viewing.  We did so after a trip to Eastern State Penitentiary.  I loved it.  My kids were less than enthusiastic.  Very rude  Nevertheless, I have stayed on their email list.  I had completely forgotten about them opening a Philly area community darkroom.  If you have the money to spare, donate to one of these.  The continued life of analog is important.  I have had a few conversations lately about the differences between film and digital prints and I just wish everyone would see there is room in the art field for both.

So I took yesterday off because I had a friend in need of help.  I also went to a new doctor on Monday.  My previous doctor had put me on a new medicine due to the stress at work.  It has not helped at all.  I want to get off it.  This new doctor is taking be off it.  So when a friend says he needs a favour from me, and my mental state is not well, I took yesterday off.

I have a proposal for any administrators reading this:  Create a work climate survey taking into account morale and mental health.  This place sorely needs it.  A number of us are on medication or therapy.  While some of us probably have mental health issues that existed to prior employment, a number of us have had issues exacerbated by the actions of our administration and colleagues.  I would venture to say that this is a hostile work environment.  I know that there have been teacher suicides in Paterson and other stressful places.  I fear it is only a matter of time here.

So yes, I took yesterday off.  What I had to do was more beneficial for me and the other individual than any day in this horrid place.  I love my kids, but the environment is killing me.

After years of dire need, there is a community darkroom opening up in New Jersey.  And it is not in Jersey City, thankfully.  I love Jersey City, but I know how tough it can be for some people to get there.  It is opening in Newark.  Woohoo!!!  I missed the deadline to contribute to donations, but I will once there is an opening for that again.

I have been digging deep online and happened to find an article on the Emulsive website.  It looked like the darkroom was in an area I drive through when going home from the club, so I took a gander on the way home on Saturday.  I cross the street shortly before I get to route 280.  I was in no mood to drive around on Saturday - a gross, persistent guy hitting on you will do that to you - but I plan to drive by the location tonight.  (Yeah, clubbing tonight.  The night before Thanksgiving is always a big deal at the club.  Only black lights.  Everyone's teeth and hair glows.  I need to rebleach my stripe for this.)  So then I started digging into different kinds of film.  Oh dear.  I found some fabulous colour films - wild, psychedelic stuff.  I will put them on my Christmas list, for sure.  Then I found this dreamy black and white film by a brand called Svema.  Gosh, the Eastern Europeans have it going film and paper-wise.

I am trying to get a friend back into shooting.  He has taken a break from it - no access - so I hope that giving him a camera I have laying around will inspire him.  I see so much crappy "art" out there and to see someone with fantastic talent not able to use it makes me sad.  I still have this dream/fantasy of going on shooting adventures with friends.  I had so much fun shooting with a couple of former students over the summer and I want to do it more often.  The creativity osmosis can be quite cool.  Then, imagine having people to develop and print with in my basement?  My sister and I tried to start an art collective years ago.  We envisioned a Morris County thing that would involve the freak artists - not the rich suburban housewife ones in my town - but it never went anywhere.  Maybe when I am done being the Chairperson of the NNJDSA, I can spend more time on my art.

I went out to dinner with a former student yesterday. She is doing so well in college.  She is adjusting perfectly.  Then I was surprised by another friend/former student this morning and he is adjusting well too.  Too often I hear of the kids from this school bombing at college - too much partying, not adjusting to living independently, not handling the workload - and I know that many of my colleagues teach too easily.  I loved last year's class because of the kind of young adults they were.  They were so different and hearing how they are doing in college makes my heart sing.  Last year's bunch was so unique and seeing some of them this week is helping with some stuff right now.

Then I get a massage today, deliver a bag of catnip to my friend, and hopefully dance my ass off at the club.

We have professional development today.  I picked all things that pertain to me and my kids:  trauma, abuse, and addiction.  Hopefully these will be much better than last year's batch.  I felt a bit cheated last year.  I had my hopes up for some and they were nothing but a letdown.

So then we have teacher's convention weekend.  I am going to DC, of course.  There is a phenomenal Gordon Parks exhibit that just opened.  Timely, I have to say.  I cannot wait to go home to DC.  It is the only place in this country in which I can walk the streets and feel I am home.

Now, most people in this area say that about NYC.  Not me.  I worked there for eight months.  All I felt was unwelcome and like an intruder.  However, since I have tomorrow off, and the weather is supposed to nice, I want to go in and walk around.  Maybe go to galleries, maybe go to Bluestockings.  I am so socially awkward I am holding myself back from being social.  My friend works in midtown.  He is having a rough time at work.  He has offered to meet for lunch when I go into the city in the past.  I could offer to meet him to bring some levity to his day, but the fear of rejection stops me.  I also have someone else I would like to ask to go with me but the fear of rejection gets me again.  So if I go, I will most likely be alone, which is usually how I do it anyway.

The last time I went on a Thursday night for gallery openings, I stumbled upon a David Hockney exhibit.  That was thrilling.  It was a lot of new paintings and digital work on monitors.  And he was here in all his bespectacled cuteness.  There was also another two or three big openings but I was not impressed.  The Picasso show?  Meh.  I am not a disciple of his.  Misogynist.  Then there was the socially popular one that had all of society holding court and flitting about and there are me and my friend seeming like the losers who crashed the party...  Quite fun.


I guess I wouldn't mind crashing another art party with a friend....

I keep having dreams about being at my grandmother's house.  Sometimes the people who bought it are there and sometimes they are not.  Last night, they were there but we still owned the house.  Sometimes it is in repair, sometimes it is not.  Sometimes her things are still there, sometimes the house is empty.  Last night, I was going through her stuff.  My sister had taken all the things she wanted - as she did when grandma died.  I was going through the living room taking down draperies to keep.  Then, I was going through all her costume jewelry in a dresser.

Sometimes I dream I am back working at the NBA.  I am taking care of the dupes and slides, filing away and keeping the library in tip top shape.  Sometimes I even go get a coffee from that fabulous coffee machine.  That thing was so legendary that when a friend of my sister's heard us talk about it, he sent us a photograph of the updated coffee machine.  Twenty years later and that thing still has fans.

So I dream about places and people I have good memories of.  Luckily, in my dreams I am back at places that made me happy.  Unfortunately, there is always a profound sense of loss in the dream.  I seem aware of the fact that this is not real or permanent.  When I wake up, there is sadness.

I think I dream of these things because I know that any happy moments I have are fleeting.  I was so happy in my job the last few years.  Now, the security and happiness are gone.  I love the subject I teach but the administration and colleagues have taken the joy out of this.  That is not to say that my job was a cakewalk.  I do come in at 6.00 am every day just to get all the work done.  It has never been an easy job.  But that exhaustion was balanced by a love for what I did.  That love is still there but the joy is gone.  I have a lot of selfish, short sighted people to thank for that.  I just graded a class worth of projects and need a nap.  I am exhausted.  I am burning out.  I am tired of fighting.  However, I am four years away from retirement benefits guaranteed - or at least as much as can be guaranteed in this anti-union climate.

I have a new friend and I am so content with this.  However, I know nothing in my life will last.  I dream of having friends that last long into old age but that never happens to me.  I tend to attract the selfish sort.  However, with a couple of the relatively new ones, I might have found people in it for the long haul.  That makes me happy.  But there is always the knowledge that I was not born to be happy and might lose friends I love dearly.

The dreams are kind of happy, but there is always sadness in the end.

There is a tightness in my chest and I fear it will be here for the whole week.  We are jumping through hoops here doing what we can to make the program last, knowing it might all be futile.  Yesterday, I took my first day off to go to Rutgers to take part in an informal talk about Feminism and the organization I am the chair of.  I thought all was ok because I was the specific one asked to participate.  However, during an executive committee phone call meeting last night, I was given the impression that I should have deferred to someone else.  It was not until I clarified that it was about feminism and a woman's perspective that the accuser relented.  I had to clarify that this was not a talk about the organization and it's presence on college campuses.  However, I would like to point out that the individual who is our college point person is MIA much of the time - not on phone calls, rarely comes to meetings.  Yet, I do not get snippy.  I note that he does a good job when I am contacted by college students about starting a branch of our organization on campus.  But I am the one who slipped up.

Then I am given the impression that I should be getting membership updates on a bi-weekly basis.  I get the feeling that every idea that this couple of members have is discussed at length as a failing on my part instead of just simply making the suggestion to me as they come up with it.

No offense, but I do not have a job in which I can just sit around all day contemplating the fate of the organization.  I am teaching all day and even dealing with school stuff into the night.  I am not commuting on a train or bus and able to do organization stuff on my commute.  Hell, I have kids with me each and every lunch period.  I barely have time to take a piss.

Someone might point out that I am going clubbing every week and yes, I am.  But am I supposed to give up all my free time for the organization?  No.  I was told that I should delegate and that is what I am trying to do.  Have others take care of things.  I do not do the social media stuff because we have an elected person in charge of that.  He doesn't do a great job with the facebook stuff, but when I hinted at that, I got nowhere. I refuse to give every minute of my free time because I know I will burn out.  I saw that happen with one of our elected officials last year and he is slipping in his volunteer activities right now, even though he is not elected.

Another point of contention:  There is apparently a problem if I find a meeting location that is not 100% accessible but the branch has had meetings in a building that is not accessible.  I feel I can do nothing right as of right now and after I encounter this one (and sometimes one other) person, I want to quit.

Luckily for me I had a friend contact me yesterday after we hadn't seen each other for a couple of weeks.  He was "poking the bear" - aka getting a rise out of a mutual acquaintance online - and we chatted on and off all day, just like old times.  I will see him Saturday night and I cannot wait.  I also chatted with a new friend into the night and it all made me feel better.

Than I came to work and saw my substitute did not hand out the sheets for my students to work on yesterday.  Aggravation.  And I will be here until 9.00 pm tonight for an open house.  And I am having phone problems.  And I got an email at 6.30 from my least favourite member about sending out an email.  So while I breathed easy last night after an aggravating phone call, the tightness is back.

I want to cry or punch a wall.

So basically this is my theory:  Move the last one hired in our department to the Technology Department; fire the next three (that includes me); move a guy into our department or move her back to our department; keep the first one hired; end up with an Art Department of two people.

The last woman hired has been given the Web Design class to teach.  She has been directed to get her Technology certificate.  She would be the first one fired but if she is moved to another department temporarily, then the last one hired in our department changes.  They already RIF'd one person so they have no barriers to RIF others in the department.  They can fire three of us.

There is a teacher who is going for a certificate in media, film, and digital photography.  If he is doing this, they can move my class out of art and into technology and have him teach it, while scrapping the darkroom.  I lose my job.  They can then move the last one hired back in the art department, leaving them with two proper art certified teachers for the whole school.

There are claims left and right that money is tight, but they are spending money all over the place.  They removed a person from and administrative position and had to offer him his old teaching job back.  There are too many teachers in that department.  Someone should have been let go but due to the political connections of the last two hires, they could not do that.  So the department is overloaded and teachers are not teaching full course loads but getting full time pay.  But they RIF'd an art teacher.

Is all of this coming from the little man?  I do not know.  I do know that I had a couple of conversations with people familiar with him.  He did not leave anyone with good feelings in his past district.  As a matter of fact, the look of horror on people's faces when I bring up his name should be enough to make you wonder why we are dealing with him here.  He was run out of his district and the rumour is that the state fired him.

I am tired of this place's games.  I am depressed and having a hard time getting up each morning.  The time from 6.00 am to when I start seeing kids is so hard for me.  The treatment of us is abominable.  I am on more medicine due to the stress and anxiety.  I do believe there are a number of us teachers that could start a mental cruelty lawsuit here.  I have never worked in a place like this, ever.  I am so sad and angry.  I need people to talk to about this who are neutral but no one wants to listen.  I do not want to talk to colleagues because we are all going through the same thing.  I am either on the brink of tears, about to punch a wall, or numb to it all.

I think I will go and write some college recommendation letters.

Today is a special day.  Kodak Ektachrome is now up for sale.  After over 5 years of being off the market, there is now Ektachrome available to shoot.  I am ecstatic.  I have read a bit on the development of the film up in Rochester and saw some test images.  It is all so exciting.

So what the hell is the big deal about film?  That is like asking me why I prefer vinyl records to cd's - I do not do MP3's, people.  There is a rawness to the medium.  It is also more deliberate.  You must be fully engaged in what you are doing.  It is like the difference between hanging out with a person who looks you in the eye and talks and listens to you versus hanging out with a person checking their cell phone every few minutes.  I can honestly say I am obsessed with analog because there is a different, more pure inherent quality to the media - photographic, musical, you name it.  I do shoot digital and lots of it, but the images just do not reflect my inner thoughts and emotions they way analog does.  I have not a clue as to how that happens, but it does.

The part I like about teaching is watching the kids go from not knowing a thing about analog to being obsessed with it.  I see it in a kid in my first period.  He talked about how great it FELT to shoot with the film camera.  Listening to a girl's A-1 shutter whoosh open and shut and the thrill we got from that cannot be duplicated digitally.  The kids are getting.it.

The administration?  Not so much.  Technology, technology, technology.  But what about those chemists and photographers who are working to bring back the analog methods and media?  Where is the career path for them?  Who will introduce them to this when you get rid of my darkroom and push me out?

I am excited about the return of film and know that if they do push me out here, I will find a path to preach the gospel of analog, one way or another.

We had a disturbing meeting last week.  There is a consultant who - according to him - has so much power that the superintendent does whatever he says.  I know this man from another district.  The residents and parents could not wait until they got rid of him when he was the principal.  He was practically run out of town.  But he is calling the shots here at my job.

The rumours:

• he sees no need for the arts.
• the Art Department is going to be disposed of

After the meeting last week, I believe the rumours.  He claims his art department in his school was second to none.  I had friends who went to his school.  I subbed there.  It was good, but it was minimal.  In the 1990s, they had only two teachers for a student population of 800.  They now have only one.  They have only four classes to offer the students.  My high school had only 2/3 the student population but had twice the art offerings.

PCTI is sucking us dry.  Kids go there, we lose money to the school, they transfer back here and we do not get than money coming back with the kid for two years.  Because of that loss of money, programs need to be trimmed - people or subjects.  

Here is a wild proposal:  There are teachers in the Math department who are not teaching a full schedule but getting full time pay.  RIF one of them.  They RIF'd an art teacher last year and we have full classes and no drop in the number of kids wanting to take our classes.

What we have is a group of people pushing kids away from our classes and into the CAD and Criminal Justice classes.  Guess what?  If you push everyone into two or three careers, the market will be flooded with candidates and no one will get jobs.  It happened in the field of law.  Forbes wrote about the overloaded market some hears ago.  Instead, provide the students with options that have proven to be winners in this school - namely the arts - and watch the kids flourish.  But no.  Everyone is going to be a cop or an engineer.  Good luck with that.

So we have been warned that we are on the chopping block. Oh, the phrases were "Things have to change", "The money is not there" and so on.  However, when you have been in other jobs and districts, you know how to translate those misleading phrases.  Here is a novel idea in addition to the one I propose above:  Get rid of some sports or instate dues for the athletes.  One school I looked at forces their students to pay a lab fee for their photo classes.  I do not think we can do that in the classroom.  But where is the harm in charging a fee for an extracurricular?

So it has been a depressing week.  I am in a financial situation that I am not worried about my job.  I can sub in my towns near me and be ok.  I have no debt and no kids.  However, I will not give up on this place and this program and jump ship to another district.  I had someone mention they would like me in their school.  I am waiting this out.  I love the kids here too much to give up.

I had some visitors last night during a break in the Back to School Night schedule.  It was a parent I have a real good relationship with and a couple of former students.  They do not want to see Photography go.  Ever.  They said there would be a major pushback if the program was harmed.  These are your taxpayers talking.  I do not need to fight for this program.  Like I said, I have employment options.  However, I stay here and do what I do for a love of the kids.  I love my students dearly.  How many schools can say that their teachers feel that way?  To whittle down this department means getting rid of the few of us in this building that feel that way about our students.

To listen to that man posing as a consultant with good experience and ideas is a mistake that will do a great deal of harm to our kids and this community.  Think carefully before you act.

It is Suicide Prevention Week.  Apparently there is a table set up in the cafeteria.  We are apparently a Stigma Free School.  We have the suicide prevention bracelets.  We have the brochures on what Stigma Free means.

But what are we really doing here to address it?  I want a program for all of the teachers to attend regarding mental health - ours and that of our students.  I want teachers to treat students with respect.  Do not bark orders at them.  Say please and thank you.  Greet them at the door.  Understand where they are coming from and that they might be having a rough day.  Let them know if you are having a rough day.  Be human with them.

The climate in the building is so toxic and has been for years, prior to our current superintendent.  There is no point in blaming her.  She is not where the problem lies.  We have a number of people who are on a power trip and learned about power trips from our previous super.  I tell my students I respect them from the beginning and they need to respect each other and me.  The problem is, many of my colleagues do not respect the students or their colleagues.

So the bright spot of my day is the kids.  One of the kids in period 2 last year noted that I greet each student at the door.  He said he looked forward to it every day.  That takes a conscious effort on my part and I am glad he noticed.  I do not neglect my kids.  I worry about them when I get home and I am always there for them.

But the transition after they graduate is hard.  There are promises to keep in touch and they either don't bother, they stand me up, or they start and drift away.  Yet I know there are kids who keep in regular touch with other teachers.  I think I am too easily put aside because there is no threat that I will go away.  It is assumed I will always be there.

But I am thinking of going away.  And if anyone wants to keep me in their life, they will have to try a little harder.  It wears you down and it doesn't seem to be worth it anymore.  I know there are some people trying to change the climate here.  I try.  I just don't know if it will happen.

Signs that something is wrong:

• I am thinking of coming in later in the morning.  I mean, why bother being here if there is nothing to do and no one to be with?
• Sunday night anxiety doesn't exist.  Sunday night ambivalence does.  So what if I stay up really late reading?  I have nothing to wake up for.
• Someone told me that if I leave after 25 years but not at retirement age, it is not retirement, it is just leaving.  It is not the same as when cops leave after 25 years.  Hmmm....
• I hear the footsteps approaching, eagerly look towards the door to see who is coming in but the footsteps aren't for me.
• I am thinking of who can replace me.  Maybe my sister needs a job when I am ready to go.  

I love my students past and present so much and it kills me knowing how I feel.  There are multiple reasons, some of which are personal.  I have never worked in one place for this long.  I have had to move a lot out of necessity - temporary positions, part time vs. full time, etc.  Some of it is related to the place.  I just do not feel like we are valued here.  The fine and performing arts are the best thing going at this school.  We are constantly getting our kids' work out into the community and winning awards and no one cares - not the school, the administration, the staff, or the community.  I feel like they are dying to get my room for space for other programs.  I feel they are dying to get my budget for the latest flavor of the month program.  When STEM is not the fad, they will move on to something else, pour money and time into the next fad, and then move on again.  The arts are the constant in this building and we are neglected and not cared about.  It is all lip service and it makes me wonder just what is the point anymore.  I think there is a great benefit to the students but no one cares about what benefits the kids.  The rumour is that the guy coming up from Trenton to guide us through our transitions is eager to rid this place of the arts.  How is that supposed to make one feel that what they do is worthwhile?  How is it supposed to make one feel when kids are always telling you guidance counselors are shifting them from your classes to business, management, and criminal justice classes?

Many of us in the art department do not just come in to teach.  We come in to make connections with the kids we are with every day.  We hope those relationships help them grow as young adults.  We hope they will stay in our lives and we can continue friendships or mentorships as they grow.  I know that does not exists as prevalently in other departments.  You might get my room and my money but you will lose a whole hell of a lot more.

The year has started and it is not as exciting as in the past.  All last year teachers talked about the lack of respect and the declining behavior in the students.  It was even brought up in a recent meeting.  I looked at another teacher and we both had the same look on our faces:  "What are they talking about?"  Last year was my best year ever.  The students were so nice, polite, honest, and fun.  I had some fabulous work from the students.  There were struggles, but that is to be expected.  And the way this year has started off, I just know it will not be the same.

We had a presentation on our first day back.  It was about how to better engage our students.  As the woman went through the power point, I just kept nodding my head.  The recommendations were all things I know I do in the room.  I know that some of the few people here that I talk to do these things:  respect the students, assist them in not giving up, do not present information for them to memorize and regurgitate.  So many other points.  Yet I also know that there are teachers who cultivate a climate of hero worship here and they teach in the opposite manner.  If you are trying to engage the student in their learning, you are not cultivating a climate of dictator and dictated to.

I spoke to one teacher after his/her breakout session.  S/he had the men who are guilty of this in his/her session.  Apparently, they were told their methods are not engaging.  They might have been a wee bit indignant - shocker! - but will anything change?  Will the director of their department conference with them to let them know where they are wrong?  I doubt it.  This school will not improve if the problem teachers are permitted to kiss ass and get away with pedagogically unsound practices.

So I have a little battle I am set for this year.  Those teachers who cultivate hero worship are also the ones whose students are always doing the work in my room.  From now on, I will confiscate all work caught being done in my class and I will throw it out.  If it is a text book, I will take it and bring it to the main office.   I am tired of this.

We had a workshop based on the recent community forums.  People think this school is horrible.  I have no idea what they are talking about.  The kids are so wonderful.  Sure, the climate is toxic.  However, once I am in the room with my kids, all problems disappear.  I wish my colleagues saw how great the kids are instead of complaining about parking (get your ass here earlier) or the food in the teacher's cafeteria ( bring your own food).  There are a lot of misconceptions and the colleagues who complain about inane stuff are missing the point.  They are also causing the students to also see this place as horrible.  The students are not the problem here.  The rotten attitudes of a select group of teachers is the problem and administration needs to get it in check.  That might mean scolding some of their favourites, but so be it.

The end of my summer vacation is here.  This is what I say goodbye to:

• leisurely mornings listening to Phil Schapp on the radio going on about his encyclopedic knowledge of jazz
• Spooky sitting by the radio enjoying the music, even my aurally disruptive punk records
• gardening in the morning light
• swimming
• lounging in the pool trying the get the birds at the bird feeder to talk to me
• reading and doing art on the patio, with little breaks to watch the birds at the bird bath
• watching out for hummingbirds, butterflies, and hoping some rare visitors will make it here this summer.  I miss the hummingbird moth.
• late nights reading on the couch with Fritz
• that tingle I get when someone contacts me to hang out
• time to search for art shows to put my work in
• the freedom to do whatever I want with my hair
• afternoon rest time with Spooky and Fritz on the couch
• Wednesday trips to the beach
• fried squash flowers
• sitting on the dining room bench gazing out the window at all the stars

Things I will not miss:

• Spooky and Fritz harassing me to feed them an hour and a half before feeding time
• the crappy weather
• the feeling of dejection when I don't get invites to hang out - this happens more often than not
• so much time spent on political work

I have not had a year start off this way, with respect to my emotions.  Every time I look around the room I am reminded of people I miss.  I look at where they sat, their darkroom stations, where I would sit or stand while we talked about class stuff or life and I miss them so much.  I look at my new rosters and I feel apprehension and ambivalence. I know barely anyone.  I have not gone into a year knowing so few kids in a long time.  It makes me miss my regulars even more.  I feel a hole in my chest, much like when Millie died.  The only difference is I am not crying uncontrollably.  I got a message from one of them yesterday to meet up and talk about college and my heart skipped a beat.  These are people I really connected with and I don't want to lose them.  

I also fear for my feelings about this profession.  I still want to teach until I retire, but what is my place in this profession?  What is my place in this district?  I cannot kiss ass.  I just do not have the time to volunteer for every single kiss ass opportunity.  I put too much into what I do in the classroom, and before and after school.  If I kiss ass and join everything, I am not there for the kids.  So do I risk the ramifications of not volunteering for everything?  I do a club, many art shows, and I am on a state committee.  Yet I still fear what the guidance department can do to my class, whether directed from up top or because of a personal vendetta from within my department.  Do I stay here and suffer what they can do to me?  I see them doing things to push others out.  Will it happen to me?  It has not yet, but I worry.  I can't teach anywhere else - I cost too much.  And I love the connections I make with young people.  I am not looking forward to this year because of the answers to these questions that might pop up over the next ten months.

While out with mother, we got to talking about my 8 year old niece and her friend situation.  She starts school again next week.  There are two girls she is close to.  One was taunted by a group of mean girls last year.  Family is worried this can lead to my niece being taunted by proximity.  There is another girl the niece is close to who is more quiet, reserved, and has yet to be targeted. 

This all sounds like niece should stick to the quiet girl.  But there is a catch.  My niece also gets along great with the boys.  As a matter of fact, it might even be that she has more fun with the boys.  On the last day of her kindergarten year, I went to see the festivities.  She was hanging around with the boys and she was the only girl in the bunch.  And she looked so happy.  And they looked happy to have her in their crowd.

So what is the problem?  I told mother that my sister should encourage my niece to stick with whoever treats her best and makes her feel welcome.  If that is the boys, so be it.  Mother joked about a photo of me from 8th grade that the family titled "Melanie and the boys."  If anyone in the family understands how female friendships can hurt, I do.  I have always felt more myself, had more fun with, and had better conversations with my male friends.  So I have to make a concerted effort to convey this to my niece.  Hang with the boys if you want.  Be yourself.

But how to convey this to students?  Where I work, any relationship between a male and female is assumed to be sexual.  I do try to break this up by pairing people strategically for projects.  Has it worked?  Has anything I have done there to break the norms worked?  Nope.  There is no hope there but at least I can work on my niece.

I have a lunch date for coffee with a former student today.  The gals are the dependable ones this year.  Last year I was screwed over by a boy and a girl.  This time the boys are the flakes.  Go figure.  Needless to say, I am happy to be socializing.  I have been stood up a couple of times by makes (socializing, meetings, etc.)  and it is not fun to waste a trip.  I can't wait for good coffee, life updates, and the best cafe in Morris/Essex County.  Let's see how long this lasts.

I have a half a month left and I am already dying for my next chance to get the hell out.  I think about the coming months and my chest hurts.  I am not happy to return to a toxic work environment.  It is not just the administration but the colleagues as well.  I am going to take a comrade's example to follow this year:  Work for union stuff, just not in my building.  My colleagues are toxic and it has seeped into the union.  If the leadership takes another opportunity to throw a dig at the previous leadership, I am sending a request to grow up to our president.  I am in a room with kids all day.  I don't need to be subjected to infantile behaviour at meetings.

So hubby and I decided to return to Scotland for our next trip and I am already set on cementing those plans.  My heart hurts thinking about living here.  I love my corner of the state, my little freak town, my little plot of land, and my little house.  But every single time I go out in daylight, I resent the way things have gotten.  Drivers are so hostile.  Traveling anywhere has become a contact sport.  I hate it.  I just want people to be nice and courteous to each other.  I talked to a comrade about moving to Europe.  We agreed the political situations in European countries can be as bad or worse, but the quality of life is so much better.   And that is what I need:  Quality of life. 

I have been let down by so many people over the past couple of years, including this summer.  Stood up, plans that never happened, requests for help that are never reciprocated, shit-talked, you name it.  All emotional, but harmful nevertheless.  I have been thinking of removing myself from the situations.  Shall I refuse to respond to people when they request help?  Shall I no longer respond to requests for socializing from flaky students?  I don't know.  It might be better for my sanity.  I would have more time to focus on my art, that's for sure.  By working hard on that over the past few months, I got into two shows this summer.  I didn't need flaky people who claim to be friends to achieve that.  I have been wondering if I should just focus on making connections in art and travel rather than work.  The work relationships have been nothing but depressing for me.  Even those that heal still hurt due to unresolved damage.  I just want to go to my job, do the best I do, have a positive impact on the kids, and go home at 3.05.  I don't want that place to be my life anymore because I know in my heart I don't belong there.  I know in my heart that I belong where the art is and where they speak other languages.

I like to ride a bike on rail trails.  Apparently harder than I thought.  I found out that for the last few rides, I put the front tire on backwards (the treads were in the wrong direction) and I had the brakes engaged the whole time since I hoked them up wrong.  No wonder I was having to pedal so hard.  On the upside, my thighs are hard as a rock.  At least I am not getting weaker as I had thought.  Just making idiotic moves. 

I checked out my schedule.  So far, no drastic changes.  All photo.  Hooray.  I picked up a wonderful book at bluestockings yesterday and already starting in on it.  It aligns with how I want more socially responsible teaching.  I will also revisit my book on teaching from Zinn's history of the US.  If I go along with those two this year, I should be back to what I want to do:  teach socially responsible young adults.

So the social justice group I am in has a lot of tech people and a few teachers.  I tabled with a teacher on Sunday.  We were talking a little bit.  We are both of the mindset that teachers need the summer off.  We put so many hours in over the school year that we need the summer to recharge.  We are "on" all the time.  We are on stage with a demanding audience.  The manner in which he referred to his lack of free time made me realize he is a true teacher, not just a coaster.  He knows what it takes to teach and what it takes out of you.

Which gets me to my point.  I am the chair of this organization.  There are some people who seem to have endless amounts of time in which they can do work for the group.  In more than a few instances, I have gotten the feeling that I am letting them down with my lack of free time.  I know I do not compare to the previous leaders.  In my mind, at least I stepped up to run when no one else would. 

The thing is, I am involved with a state union committee, I run a club, I am the treasurer of a town organization, and I try to do my own art on the side.  I am a public school teacher.  That is very different than working in IT or other areas of the private sector where - based on the friends I have in IT - there are times of lots of nothing and then times of lots to work.  I am not in a cushy lots of free time university teaching job with copious amount of time off.  I have NO FREE TIME during the school day.  Period.  I can barely schedule time to take a piss.  Yet there were times it was clear people were waiting for a response from me in an email chain or on the slack channel.  I hate to break it to you people, but it is not going to happen.  Yes, this group is vital to me - has been since I joined in 2012 - but my job and my students take precedence during the school day.  From the time I wake up at 5.00 am to get to work at 6.00 am until I get home around 4.00 pm, I may or may not be available for any political work.  That is just the way it is.  I appreciate the comments about how great we teachers are but I have found out it is merely lip service.  If you can find the time to surf twitter, gab on the slack channel, and peruse the atrocities going on around the world, you are in a more privileged position that I am.  You are probably making exponentially more than I am.  I will say this right here:  I think IT jobs are crap and do not deserve the money and respect they get.  Most IT people I know are privileged white hipster dudes and dudettes with an awful lot of free time that I do not have.  If I am up at midnight during the school year, sorry for not working on politics.  It is because I can't sleep over some issue with a student, I am grading work, or I have anxiety over the horrendous working situation most of us public school teachers are in day in and day out.  If I was still working in publishing, I would sure have a lot more time to put in.  I would be on top of all emails and chats during the day.  You see, I used to work in the private sector and know the difference between that work day and the work day of a public school teacher. 

The school year starts in a couple of weeks.  I will be less available.  People will be pissed.  Tough shit.  My kids come first.  The work I do in the classroom is political as well and I am doing this each and every day of the school year.  I might not be the saviour other leaders were, but I am the only public sector worker who offered to step up and I am managing quite well considering.  Now, I am going to go outside, garden, read, and enjoy my well deserved time off. 

Back from Glasgow.  It was nice.  More than nice.  A welcome respite from the ugh of living in the US.  In addition, as one fellow teacher put it after the end of his time abroad the past two weeks, it broke my post-school year depression.  When I am in Europe, I notice the things I like better over there.  Small cars.  No bumper stickers proclaiming your hates and loves.  A respect for privacy.  Courtesy that is respectful, not ass-kissing.  Great coffee.  Great vegetarian food.  History.  Gardens.  Architecture that makes me swoon.  Seriously.  Get me into a medieval building and I get light-headed.  Even if the weather is meh, I am happy.  And I forget about the fact that I have no social life to speak of because there is so much to do and I am content with doing it alone.

The things I do not like are the fact that it is not hot in a lot of the places we go.  I need the heat.  Mother's home town and environs are perfect in that respect, but I speak no Italian and can understand every few words and you have moved on to the next sentence before I have translated in my head.  Not conducive to making friends.  In addition, many places are moving right wing.  But heck, is it really worse than here?  Don't know.

So now I am back home.  I slogged through the last week getting acclimated to being back, perusing the 500+ shots I took,  I will develop the three rolls of film (one 35mm, two 120mm) at some point, and will upload the ones from the new fangled used phone as well.  But now I am reading.  Someone referred to the summer being nearly over and I wanted to scream.  First of all, I have gone on no adventures.  I love doing things alone in Europe, but I feel lonely when I do things I used to do with people over here.  Going into abandoned sites isn't much fun when you prefer to be with others.  I thought I liked it, but it's silly laughing to yourself while hiding from the landscapers in an abandoned house.  I'd like to reach out to that fellow teacher to go on an adventure, but the last time I reached out to a person to go for coffee and talk photo, it never materialized.  Rejection is hard.  So I sit at home with my best friends, Fritz and Spooky.

I took hubby out to dinner last night for his birthday.  There was a couple at another table.  They talked together for a bit.  Then stopped.  They were both on their respective phones.  When I am in Europe, the only times I see people on the phone is if they are alone, for the most part.  They are not texting when in the company of others.  They seem to value face to face conversation and company more.  Then I see an article online about the poor grades of those students who rely on using cellphones in the classroom.  I guess I am just dying for real human interaction and tired of all this screen to screen stuff.  While tons of people might "like" what you say online, what the heck kind of interaction is that?

I leave for Scotland soon.  Luckily, I have gotten pretty good at packing so I can do so in about a half an hour.  The biggest change for me is the film I will be shooting with.  I normally bring a bunch of 35mm black and white.  However, on the last trip, I finished up my bulk roll of HP5.  I know it isn't hard to go out to the camera store and get myself another box, but I seem to be really bogged down with stuff this summer that makes me not want to deal with smug adult people  And the people at the camera store can be quite smug to females and I am not mentally up for that right now.  So, I am bringing the one roll I have left of bulk loaded HP5 and shooting that on my Yashica Partner, a sleek plastic camera that I can shoot with and no one seems to notice.  The rest will be shot on 120mm.  I am bringing my vintage Diana and several rolls of Kodak - ISO 100 and 400 and a roll or two of Portra.  I like the fuzziness of the Diana and hope to get cool images of gloomy, moody Glasgow.

I am also bringing the T1i and one digital addition.  I am bringing my cell phone.  I am going to see how this works.  I pride myself on not being addicted to this thing.  I have received alerts already and did not jump to look at them.  I am doing OK so far.  I have to get to know the camera a bit better though.  I do not like the low light capabilities - or I should say non-capabilities.  Where I live, I can see all the stars on a cloudless night.  Last night, I tried to shoot with the phone.  Nothing.  But I can shoot low light indoors.  I guess the camera is not as sophisticated as I thought.  I need to return to the manual to get to know the functions better.

I also want to use the phone to shoot bands when I cannot bring a DSLR into the venue.  I have one show I am going to alone in October.  I am all tingly about this one - a 30 year dream come true - and I want some images.  I doubt I can bring the DSLR there.  Then there is another October show I hope to get tickets for this morning.  I can bring the DSLR there, but the crowd will be rough and not conducive to bringing out a fancy camera.  And my point and shoot can only capture the stuff so well, and not that well.  So I must study this device and perfect my use of it.  I guess it also helps me know how to advise my students with their phone cameras as well.  Up to this point, I have been clueless.  I just wish I could bill the school for this. 

Last Tuesday was not the day I got a phone.  I got it this Monday.  It was quite the ordeal.  I had a full day workshop, then headed over to the store with the parents to arm us all with these new devices.  We were there for two hours.  It takes awhile to upgrade from flip phone to smart phone, apparently.  But we are now fully in the 21st century.

I guess smart life is not as damaging as I thought.  I was cutting a papaya and the phone went off and I did not rush to the phone.  I kept cutting that darn papaya.  The message could wait, whoever it was.  It was an update notice.  It was not a human being wanting to get in touch with me.

And that has been the great disappointment/not disappointment.  I had this part of me that fantasized that people would find out I got the device and send me their numbers so we could easily keep in touch.  Only one person did.  One.... Single.... Person.  So much for those who told me they would keep in touch if I had a smart phone.  What about all those people who ask me for my number to keep in touch and were then told "I can't, I have a flip phone"?  Not exactly beating down my door or blowing up my Instagram feed with requests, I tell you.

And lest you think I make a mountain out of a molehill here, there was a great article on this topic that made me feel vindicated. 

Here is the article.

I would have liked to think the ease of getting in touch with me would lead to more human interaction.  It has, as of today, not at all.  Am I too impatient?  Hubby indicated that.  My response:  "But people die."  And that is the thing.  We wait and wait, and dilly dally, and procrastinate reaching out to those we claim are our friends.  Yet we never know what will happen from day to day.   Someone could die.  Less morose, people leave jobs, move, have life-changing things happen.  If we wait too long to reach out, the person we are reaching out too might not be there.  You thought they would always be there, but they are not.  Another thing - sometimes some of us get tired of waiting for responses to our attempts to reach out.  I might not move, leave my job, or die, but I might not always be there for you.  And that is why we should let people we claim to respect, love or care about know that we are thinking of them.  Sure, you might not want a long conversation or have the time to hang out, but a brief note makes one feel as if they have not been forgotten.

There's this whole thing that people are in touch with so many people just because they have a snapchat streak or liked one's photos on instagram.  Reread that article.  Where are the words of emotion and intensity that happens when people actually talk and listen to each other?  Not in a streak or a like. 

And so I look at the long list of contacts I now have in my phone - full sarcasm - and go back to the sofa, curled up with my zine and my cats. 

Thanks for keeping in touch.

So today is the day.  I get a smart phone.  What do I expect from this?  Nothing.  What do I hope for?  Increased keeping in touch with people.  I know it won't happen.

People claim that to keep in touch with them, you need to do it the way everyone else does.  First it was email.  I nearly lost a friend because I wanted to stick to talking on the phone.  He wanted to converse via email.  So in the interest of maintaining connections, I relented.  We drifted apart anyway due to other forces.

Then there was facebook.  I relented with that and I do keep in touch with some people that way but it is only via the computer.  No face to face interaction results from this medium.

I do not text.  I have a flip phone.  However, the parents insist I get a smart phone now that the flip is not usable in Europe.  (I travel a lot.)  I walked up to the store with a sense of dread and apprehension on Tuesday.  Apparently, we get our phones today.  The fantasy?  I announce I got the phone and some of my favourite people will ask for my number so we can text and keep in touch, leading to hanging out, going on adventures and deep talks accompanied by cups of tea or coffee.  The expected reality?  I announce the acquisition of said phone and I hear crickets.  Everyone wants interaction with others, just not me.  Unless they need a favour or have a question about some photo equipment.  Once I have been of service, crickets...

So what does this have to do with teaching?  It reflects what I anticipate this coming year with the bring your own device policy.  I fear we will be drifting to question and answer sessions and critiques done anonymously on our devices rather than face to face and human interaction.  I plan on doing more face to face interaction type stuff this year in the classroom to combat this.  Feedback from a former student is that he would have benefited from more critiques in preparation for his college course.  I heard him loud and clear.  I hated doing critiques because it was like pulling teeth.  Absolute torture.  Forget that.  If the kids can successfully answer a journal question behind the protection of a keyboard and monitor, they can deal with a critique.  They have the words.  They just need to find a way of letting them out via the mouth, not the keyboard.  I might also reintroduce presentations on artists and movements.  I don't know. 

All I know is people think they are keeping in touch via a Snapchat streak or a DM on Instagram.  And I feel lonely with no face to face interaction.

So while a bunch of right wing nutters go on about civility, I am just looking for common courtesy.  I have a cell phone with no texting capabilities.  It is a flip phone.  This is clearly a problem for others.  You see, when people make plans, they like to be flexible - translation, they like to show up whenever they want.

So I have one friend.  He and I meet up for coffee sometimes.  When we do, he tends to be late.  He tends to message me on facebook when he is leaving.  Why not just leave at the time that would get you there at our designated meeting time?  I usually have to wait 20-30 minutes.  Then I get home and see all the "I'm on my way" messages.

I am the chair of an organization here in the north.  I like to start my meetings on time.  If we are meeting for an action, I like to all be there on time.  It was recently joked that I rule with an iron fist.  Nah.  I just like to respect everyone's time.  If we are looking to include people from all walks of life, we have to respect people's time.  We need to be cognizant of work schedules, child-care costs, etc..  But the lily white middle class men who show up all la di da late do not seem to think of that.  If you are taking public transportation to a meet up, take the bus or train that will get you there beforehand.  When I took the train to work in the city, I took the train that got me to work on time with time to spare.  I did not take the one that might get me there around the time I had to start work.  I am tired of being the first one to things and finding out everyone is texting each other "Be a little late.  On my way."  I saw the looks on the faces at a social justice group meeting in Morristown when the leaders took their sweet time starting.  Everyone had things they had to do, and the leaders showed no respect by starting whenever they felt like it.

Then I got stood up yesterday.  I was supposed to meet two former students for coffee.  Knowing that one tends to be late, I walked down at such a time to not get there early.  I have trained myself to bring reading material when meeting people.  Why?  Because I feel like a loser sitting and waiting for someone staring out into space.  So I sat outside.  And waited.  After about 45 minutes, I went inside and ordered myself a drink and sat down.  And read.  And waited.  Like a f*cking loser.  Then I finished my drink, went outside and called home.  Well, hubby saw a message pop up on the work ipad,  Yup, they were running late,  with a message from an hour ago.  We agreed I should wait a little longer.  I sat under a tree across the street and read.  An hour and a half after our meet up time, I went home.  I was tired of being made a fool of. 

I care for and love my students so much but it is not reciprocal.  I want friends to hang out with and put up with quirks, but the lateness is a constant I will put up with but do not like. I like my comrades, but the constant public transportation excuses are wearing thin on me.

So here is my thing.  It seems that texting and cell phone contact has become an excuse to be disrespectful of people's time.  We might set up a meeting time, but as long as you text that you are on your way or running late, all should be forgiven.  Well, I don't think so.  It signifies a selfishness and lack of courtesy.  I went to volunteer canvass for a candidate a few months ago.  I waited on the streets of Paterson for an hour for my comrades.  They were late.  I have dealt with this time after time, in good areas and bad.  I never worry about my safety.  I'll be fine.  I just think that if you are doing this to me, you are probably doing this to people who have more pressing things - baby-sitter they are paying by the hour, a job to get to, and so on.  

Mother tells me I am too finicky with my friends.  Well, I let a lot of stuff go.  I do not require my friends be ideologically identical to me, and no one is.  But I would rather be alone with no friends than stuck waiting for you again.  Oh wait, I am alone waiting for you.

Withdrawal has begun.  Why in the hell would I do drugs when I get so addicted and emotionally attached to the people in my life and then suffer intense withdrawal when we no longer see each other? 

The kids/now adults graduated less than a week ago.  I ended up tearing up when I said goodbye to my GSA president.  This woman did more for the club than anyone ever and for that, I will never forget her.  We went for coffee on Sunday and it was wonderful.  The conversation was fabulous.  I tend to stay alone when I am at the club - my only socialization - because there are some people there I tried to befriend who ended up having very troubling views.  So having intelligent conversation is a bonus for me when it happens.

I also teared up because I fear for the future of my program.  I hope I have positively impacted my kids.  Yeah, they say they have been but I never hear from most of them again so I am never sure.  But I feel that some in Guidance and the little man sent from the state are working to whittle down the department.  The faculty were told that no one is safe, regardless of seniority, tenure, or subject.  How's that for making us feel like we matter?  So I try to enrich my students' lives and teach them about so much more than Photography.  If I get pushed out, where does that leave them?  With a bunch of misogynists in liberal men's clothing in the coaches, I mean history, department.  I just feel a bit helpless here.

Hubby and my parents say I should scan the notes in my yearbook and bring them to my superior's attention or add them to my resume and start looking.  Yes to the first.  No to the latter.  This is the end of my career.  No one else will hire me.  I am too old and too costly.  A kid fresh out of school is cheaper. 

So then yesterday I met two other lovelies for coffee.  I loved it.  I had to go home for dinner after three and a half hours, but I could have stayed all night.  I loved just listening to them talk about photo equipment and technique.  Such cool stuff and I hope they continue to shoot. 

But driving home was happy and sad.  I have found people who are good to talk to, but will any of it last?  I do not know.  So what do I fill my time with now?  I developed two rolls of film yesterday.  I just completed some submissions to art shows.  I will be heading down to the basement to print some photos.  I also have a ton of political work right now.  I am trying to not get lonely.  I also want to go for a couple of trips into the city to gallery hop and maybe try out the Whitney at the new location.  I wish I had a friend to go with, but if not, so be it. 

My interpersonal relations with people is one of my drugs and I am going through withdrawal.

I ran out of time this year.  I used my second personal day today and am losing one.  I did end up with lots of nagging colds and fevers this year so I did use a great number of sick days - the most ever in my life - seven.  Ugh.  I missed my kids greatly and I think I should not have taken those days.  It's too late now.

So what do I do on a day off?  I did a continuation of a project I started a couple of months ago.  Self-portraits reflecting my state of mind.  After that, I did yard work.  Ideally, this being June, after getting coated in a lush layer of moist grass clippings, I would have jumped in the pool to clean off.  I could not do such a thing in less than 70 degree weather.  So I sat on the ladder and washed my legs off while my toes went numb.  Then I uploaded the shots, edited lightly - more to do later on - and then worked on submissions.  I found one free zine to submit to and there are a couple of low cost shows to submit to as well.  I have had a dry spell the past year.  That's what happens when you have no time to do things for yourself, like art and shows.  But I am working with a comrade on an art show/fundraiser for my political group.  We are looking at October with a call for the art going out over the summer.  Maybe I can be in that one.  We might have a DJ or have people playing music too.  Then I napped with Fritz, watched some murder on DVD, and headed over to my mother and father's to make good on my Mother's Day gift - taking care of weeding over there.  Then ended the night with a union rep council meeting at the Brownstone.

Anything to avoid the near crippling depression.  So that is something I deal with and I think I wrote about it previously.  The way it manifests with me is I am angry and nasty to and with people and I brood and get sad alone and at home.  I guess that doesn't matter for those who do not work with others, but not for me, a teacher.  I have been nasty to some kids who have been indifferent or difficult.  Rather than dig more for what was going on with them, I shut down and reacted.  I have plenty of kids who do not work the last few weeks.  But at least they are honest with me and I know what they are doing.  They are still super polite and funny in class and I sense no negativity from them.  They are just done and they are teenagers.  And I get that.  I do not do well when I get kids who shut down and are not communicative or we do not communicate with each other well.  This time, I shut down as well.  And I have screwed up some teacher-student relationships this year.  I might be getting played, but with my depression, this is a toxic brew and it came to a head this week.  So I put in for today when I saw my mood getting worse and I am glad I did.  I am trying to repair what is left of these relationships.

You know, if mental illness was something we could talk about freely, I could address it and not have this stuff happen.  It's not like physical illnesses.  "Hi, I'm your teacher, I have such and such disease and I might be out a lot or tired or in pain a lot.  Please be understanding of this throughout the year."  I can't quite address my depression.  I can just imagine the rumours going around after that.  And my school is not one that is very understanding of mental illness, as proven when I needed a doctor's note to get out of teaching the yearbook.  I had a colleague call me crazy.  Um, clearly you have no understanding of depression and no compassion.  I hope I can repair this year, but I hold little hope of that.

We receive year end evaluations that are composed of a combination of numbers - our observation ratings, SGO ratings (based on how our kids test) and other stuff.  I received mine yesterday and am happy with it.  I am in the highest level.  Woohoo!  I distributed catnip Friday night and made a cat daddy and his kitty happy.  My pool is open and my flowers are blooming.  My garden is a riot of color.

So why am I bummed?  Well, the depression is kicking my ass right now.  I am trying to teach at the end of the school year.  And it is a challenge.  As my MDW kid told me, when you have 7 periods of teachers showing movies, when one period has a teacher trying to teach, it is hard for the student to be motivated to work.  Thanks, colleagues.  You might say the kid was exaggerating.   Not so.  My colleague was out yesterday and her substitute confirmed that many of the teachers she is subbing for lately are just showing movies.  Thanks.

Then we have kids who - though one kid told me it isn't personal - seem hell bent on hurting the teachers who love them.  One dear woman upstairs from me was driven to tears last week.  Me?  I cry in private.  Station 10 or home.

So I am getting to work on revamping stuff for next year.  I have pretty strict stuff I have to teach in Photo I, but there is more flexibility in level 2.  They want us to work on the social and engagement end of things here.  Fine with me.  These kids don't know how to have truly deep conversations, back and forth.  They know how to talk but not listen.  I want to work on changing that.  I might not succeed, but at least I can try.  I want to go back to regular critique, no matter how cringe inducing they are.  I want to have more socially relevant work and I want to introduce the kids to more photographers.  I know they hate that stuff, and I let them direct me away from it,  But where has that gotten me?  I ran the class looser this year and they still quit on my this June.

So I am kind of counting the days until summer.  I have few friends so I look forward to music, dancing, gardening, kitty naps, art making, solitary adventures, and living in my bathing suit.

When I was in high school, I worked hard.  I wanted to go to school for art and I wanted to go away to college.  My dad brought me to sessions run by far away colleges.  My high school teacher encouraged me.  Then it all stopped.  I never heard anything from my teacher about colleges after some point.  She didn't encourage me in any way.  It is no secret I am not happy with where I went to school.  I have always wondered if my mother intervened and told my teacher to stop it.  My mother let me and my dad know I was not to go away.   I had to commute.  This might seem so far fetched, but when you know all the other manipulative things she did, it is plausible.

So when I have students who have talent and opportunity and they squander it, I get angry.  They have chances to do stuff with their talent - talent I had not developed at their age - and they would rather party.  I have one kid who is probably the best I have had in a few years.  He sits and does nothing for two periods.  He comes in, but does not work.  One thing he told me that the experience of coming back to school was boring compared to the fun of Memorial Day weekend.  Imagine that!  I was floored.  How can I compete with MDW?  I can't.  And to this kid, that was totally understandable.

Then I have the kids who have talent and are doing nothing or not showing up for whatever inane reason.  And there is work to be done.  I am not one of those lazy teachers who will show movies for the rest of the year.  I can't.  Never mind the fact that if I slip up, there is always someone there to spotlight that transgression.  There are a number of us in this situation here.  So I keep trying to teach.  And I get kids staring at their monitors light they are hypnotized.

I know they are teenagers and their priorities are not on school.  However, when I was in school, the partiers managed to come in every day, get the work done, and keep a job.  I worked from the time I was 14, kept good grades, and made it in to school nearly every day.  I know the partiers were doing their thing.  I heard them talk.  But they were in school the next day, doing their work.  They did not keep the teacher from teaching because they were figuring out how to get their shore house for the weekend or gabbing about the shenanigans at last night's party.  And I do not know why I am supposed to be okay and cool with this.  I am angry at the lack of work ethic.

Then I hear that there are teachers talking about their party days with the kids.  And I know why I am not cool and I am the killjoy.  I just cannot be that person.  Forever uncool.

So why do I go online anymore?  I guess I have to because of the political work I do.  But every now and then I get a reminder of how little I matter.

Each year I get kids who say they will keep in touch after they graduate.  Like a fool, I used to believe that.  After last year I am not acting like the positive gal I never really was.  There are kids who say they want to go for coffee, tea, a chat.  Sure, I would do it.  As a person with few friends without four paws, I will take any chance to socialize and catch up with my former students.  But the calls never come.  Mom, there is a reason I am so negative.

So I go online and see more photos of a former student who wanted to keep in touch.  Out with a colleague.  Yup.  The kids really do keep in touch with former teachers.  Just. Not. Me.  And here I am answering any message from a kid who sends me a request for help.  Need help with your college class/advisor/life?  I'm here for you.  Need to find a way to let me know how much I meant to you for being there for you day and night when you were in high school?  Not so much from their end.

The teachers have a countdown to the end of the year.  They do it every year.  I don't.  The real reason is because I love most of my kids so much, I don't want to know when it is ending.  The reason I tell everyone is that I like to be surprised that vacation is here.  The first week of summer is a time of withdrawal.  I miss my kids so much.  I miss the talks and the personal connection.  Except for going to the club, I see no one over the summer.  It's me and my cats and my plants.  I might see my friend Jon once or twice for coffee when he takes the motorcycle through my town.  That's it.

If you think the fact that I have no friends is why I cling to the students, you are wrong.  I was always like this with my kids.  I still think of the kids I had my first years of teaching.  They just don't think of me.  All I ever wanted was to spread my love for the arts and my ideas about how to be a good human being.  I want to help my students enjoy life way more than I could ever have.  I hated school.  I want to make sure that for 45 minutes a day, my kids are enjoying something.

So I won't do the count down.  I don't want to know when it is ending.  They might come in a little less as the year draws to a close and talk a little less because they hate school so much and hate being here.  Me?  I will still cherish the few days I have left with them until I never see or hear from them again.

Unless they need something from me.  Then, like a sucker, I will respond in a heartbeat.

Teaching can be a lonely business.  You are surrounded by people:  kids, colleagues and - increasingly - administrators.  Yet, if no once cares about each other, you are still alone.  I found out that a colleague who is supposed to consider bringing us together referred to others as "clowns".  It is Teacher Appreciation Week.  I never worked a place where I felt more unappreciated.

I attended a meeting at the state union offices last night.  I am on a committee with representatives from other counties all over the state.  We all had complaints that were very similar.  However, there was one thing they all had in common that I did not:  supportive colleagues.  Having this meeting on the actual Teacher Appreciation Day really was depressing.  I had to drive home an hour and a half with this running through my brain.  Sure, we got cookies and a two sentence email of thanks.  Others got nothing, but they've got so much more.  They work with colleagues who like each other and stick by each other.  They also have kids who show regular appreciation.  Not words, but actions.

I guess that's what is really missing here.  The kids complain ALL THE TIME.  There is always some right of theirs that is being trampled on.  The indignity of wearing an ID of having to wait a couple of minutes to take a piss really is so inhumane.  I think of their complaints each time I have to piss and have to wait an hour and a half or when my ID get snagged in some equipment or the radiator or the matte cutter, again.  It wouldn't be so bad if there was love and caring from the kids on a regular basis, as there used to be.  But that is dissipating.  Did the last governor do his job and get the people to think we are evil and now the kids are starting to think so?  Is disrespect more "in" now?  The loss of this from the kids makes it hard.

Add to this the lack of caring or respect from colleagues and you have a perfect situation for a gal with depression to need more medication.  I know I work in a messed up place and we have some hard times we are going through, but last night made it worse.  There are so many things wrong in education right now due to the actions of the previous administration in Trenton.  We are reeling from it all.  But to hear so many people tell each other that they and their colleagues have each others' backs, it hurts.  The people who try to make trouble or kiss up number about five in any given building.  Not where I am.  I should wear a pair of wellies to walk the halls with all the ass kissing and the remarkable shit shows going on.

There are colleagues who can understand a nasty man taking a bogus no work $100,000+ position because he has needs, but they will rip apart a colleague for taking a $4,000 stipended position that involves tons of hours of work.  It's not what you know or who you know.  People's ideals are screwed up and respect and camaraderie is the last thing on anyone's mind.  People undercut each other.  They tell their kids their classes are the most important.  They cultivate a sense of fear in the students such that the kids do their work in your class but confiscate your equipment if it comes out in theirs, despite your rules about when and where to shoot photos.

I walk in here each day past a program that I am told will take my darkroom away in any number of years.  I try to love my students as they are rude and cranky with me for inane reasons.  I try to be polite to my colleagues knowing what they think of me and my "fluff" program.  I try to be kind to my administrators and guidance counselors knowing they are doing their best to shift kids from my class.  It sucks.  I can't wait for June and I no longer wish for the year to go on.  I want it to go away.  Happy Teacher Appreciation Week.

How can one write about education when the law forbids you from speaking against your administration and board of education?  How can you let parents/guardians and students know they are being wronged when you are censored?  Why bother blogging when there is nothing you can say without being reprimanded and possibly punished?

Well, I can write about my colleagues.

I believe we should work together as one.  We support each other and do nothing that will be to another's detriment.  My colleagues do not see things the same.  In our state, we have Student Growth Objectives (SGO) that have a bearing on how we are evaluated each year.  This is in addition to the yearly evaluations we have to endure.  Students are given a pre-assessment of some sort (test, performance, etc.) and we then predict how they will grow as the year goes on.  This growth is determined by performance on quarterly based assessments/exams.  We are instructed to not give any tests during quarterly assessment weeks.  My dear colleagues (usually the men, natch) have a way around this.  They call the tests "quizzes".  They are brilliant!  So what happens?  The students have already been told they are in classes that are the most important in the building.  History and mathematics take precedence over all other disciplines.  This creates a problem for the student.  Study for the quarterly exam in the special class (art, music, etc.) or study for the male-taught most important quiz of the marking period.  What does the student do?  Study for the "quiz" and blow off your quarterly exam.  The grade on the exam is abysmal, thus messing up the teacher's SGO.  But who cares because History and Math are the only classes that count?

So here is my issue:  My colleagues' actions are screwing up my rating as an employee.  And no one is blowing the whistle.  The men doing this are all men who are ass-kissers with administration.  They cultivate an aura of hipness with the students.  They revel in being worshipped by kids they don't care about after graduation.  And there are no consequences.  And no one has made a peep about it.  My observations are good.  I am a highly rated teachers in all respects on paper.  But then when the students are pressured to study for too many exams, what do you think takes a back seat?  Photography.

I will be bringing this up to administration.  I just need to find the right way to do it so that it does not seem like I am being petty.  I have no reason to be petty at this job.  I do have a reason to not want to see my students screw up their grades by choosing what to study for and a reason to not see my colleagues have their SGOs suffer.  It is ironic that the gal who supposedly hates sports is more of a team player than the men who have been coaches.

This place is full of irony.

It is course selection time in my school and it feels like a fight for survival.  I teach an elective.  The demand for my classes could fill 10 periods a day according to the guidance department.  Yet, I fight for my survival every year.  We have become a training ground for cops.  The number of criminal justice courses is mind boggling.  Then there is the plethora of AP courses being added.  I took AP courses in high school.  Are there really that many kids of that caliber in every school?  No.  But a number of AP courses in your course of studies sure makes your school look like it has a rigorous program.

And there is that word:  rigor.  How rigorous is your program if the majority of your teachers use all provided materials from the textbook company or the college board?  How rigorous is your program if the campus cop is the one doing most of the teaching when they do not have a teaching degree?  How rigorous is your program if the main goal is to get everyone into college, even though most of them drop out within two years?

So the guidance department has to shift kids to the new courses.  Then there are the teachers that pressure your kids to take their classes, despite what the student wants.  And what are the students doing one, two, three years later?  Dropped out of the college we bragged about them getting into.  Dropped out of the pre-med, pre-law, pre-whatever program because they were never really suited for it anyway.

So The Guardian recently published an article about why Britain should not be lessening the emphasis and offerings of the arts in schools.  It talked about the role the arts plays in educating the whole person.  There are benefits to an exposure to and an understanding of the arts that go beyond career prospects.  The increase in empathy, ability to assess and analyze, the ability to interpret a situation...  These are all tied to a strong foundation in the arts.

Then I think of an article I read over 10 years ago.  A city had an art museum educator take a bunch of cops on a tour of the place.  She taught them how to interpret the works they were looking at.  They then took that ability to interpret and role played assessing a situation on the job.  They learned to deescalate a situation or get to the root of an issue much more effectively.  This didn't just help them but also helped those in the community they police.

So all of this is on my mind and I start to think about my kids.  There are those with an innate talent who use it post graduation and those who waste it.  I see that those who eliminate the creative part of themselves lost something in their personalities.  Those who lost the creativity and find it again have conveyed to me that they had a sense of loss when they were not creating. I don't think everyone can have a career in the arts.  I don't want to see that.  Society needs people to fulfill a variety of needs.  But if you keep connected to the creative side of you, you take those lessons and skills into whatever you do.  If you drop your creative side, dealing drugs, stealing people's money by working on Wall Street, working as a lawyer, whatever shady thing you do makes you devoid of any substance.  Pick up the camera, drawing pen, guitar, journal, and stay in touch with your creative side.  

This isn't for me.  I don't have many years left in me if this place keeps going the way it is.  But I love and care about my kids and what happens to them after they leave me.  What kind of member of society will they be?  Will they help society shift to being more caring for each other, able to read who needs help and caring and wanting to give that love and care?  Or will they be chasing the next thrill or wad of cash, regardless of who they hurt in trying to make that deal?  This country has enough cops, corrections officers, lawyers, and financial robbers.  We need more humans.