We were without internet/wifi and land line for seven days.  Usually that is preceded by rain or strong wind.  Nothing this time.  Whenever this happens, I think "I hope people trying to get in touch with me don't think I am ignoring them."

I need not worry.  Only one person contacted me the whole time.  A recent graduate.  She texted me and talking to her made me feel good, like someone wanted to be in touch.  Not to brag about something in their life, just to keep in touch.

So you probably think I should have just used my phone's data.  Well, there are three phones on the plan and all three combined have a total data limit of 2GB.  I rarely use data.  However, I had to check email to make sure my bass lessons were not being rescheduled and I had to do my language lessons each night.  That little bit was a lot, and I did not want to use up all the data.

I make it known that I lose internet often.  Verizon has refused for about four or five years to replace the chewed line.  They will only patch it.  So, you are probably thinking I should give people my number so we can keep in touch that way.  Ah, and there is the problem.  I have.  There is the person who texts me a question, I respond in timely fashion, and remain unread for weeks or months.  Then there is the person who claimed my number was lost when all Instagram DMs were lost when they got a new phone.  Nice one, except your DMs stay with your Instagram account, not your phone.  It is the text messages you lose when you get a new phone.  

You see, people will lie to me to explain why they do not want my number.  It's kind of pathetic. But they will not hesitate to DM me if they need something from me.  The person I was friends with who did actually keep my number - we texted often, and even talked on the phone - has not contacted me since I declined to give him money for rent.  

So, seven whole days with no internet, I don't post for a week - I post on FB regularly so a disappearance is odd - and one whole person tried to get in touch.  My one friend knew I was without phone and he got in touch when he saw me online.  That's it.  I could actually disappear and no one would notice until they needed something from me and found me gone.  I know I have complained about this before, but damn, it hurts.  So many people talked about doing things differently, reassessing how they treat others after this whole pandemic.  All I see now is an impatience and rush to return to the old ways, including how we interact, treat each other, and keep in touch.  I do not think many people have learned a thing from this.  Those of us who do so much for others and thought that more people would become kinder and more giving are facing some harsh realities.  

I know this might sound petty, but I have made a decision that will help me feel better and less let down.  Hubby and I talk about leaving the area when I stop teaching.  I have decided that when I decide to retire/quit, I will do so without telling anyone.  Of course, I will submit my resignation with the required notice.  I would never leave an employer high and dry.  I never have.  We will move and only tell a few people.  Just walking away, without dealing with people pretending they will miss us will be so much better for our self-esteem.  It might seem like a "gotcha" kind of thing, but it is not.  I think about how I always have these hopes - friends will want to do something with me for a special occasion, people will want to do things with me - and I am always let down when I try to reach out and offer.  Just quietly planning, with no selfish or fake opinions from others will feel empowering.  Leaving this area and all these people behind with no warning will feel good.  No dragging things out.  No sadness or lingering doubts.  Just leaving.  The two of us doing something just for us.

 I am going on a vacation in my mind.  My activist and teacher groups have not rested at all since the pandemic.   Yesterday was massively stressful.  I had bass lessons in the morning.  I get so fucking nervous for them because I am not progressing as I would like and I do not want to let my teacher down.  He taught me one of his old band's songs and I was all set.  Then it was my turn to do it and I could feel my legs turn to jello.  When it comes to teaching, I am fine on the stage.  When it comes to anything else, not so fine.  

Then I had my NJEA committee meeting.  I am on the instruction committee and I like the group.  They do not make me feel like a moron when I speak up.  There was some disturbing news about some state stuff.  I do not want to go back in my building in September.  This news did not make me feel any more secure or safe.  I do not trust the supervisor of building and grounds to make sure the place is sanitized properly.  There are so many examples, but I will save them for my book.  (Well, it will probably be a zine, but whatever.)

Then at 7.00pm I was facilitating a panel discussion on safe return to schools hosted by the NNJ DSA.  It was a joint effort between the Political Education group and the Education Caucus.  I was hella nervous.  There were four panelists who are leaders in their districts when it comes to mobilizing.  I am a nobody.  But we had 52 attendees!  And one of them was a former student!  I felt like I did OK.  The former student asked a great question about organizing as a college student.  Then, when it was over, my phone was dinging so much.  They liked the job I did.  They were thanking me.  I am just so not used to this at all.  Peers being nice, supportive, and not jealous or ready to stab me in the back.  Unreal and I felt almost good about myself.

So, I decompressed by having an IPA - note, one, not some - and watching pimple-popping videos.  Today starts the first day of several in which I want to try to not do so much work.  I listened to a new album from Amyl and the Sniffers.  I will be gardening, practicing my bass, cuddling with the cats, listening to more music, and doing some photo work.  

Today is a busy day.  Fritz was confused by my early bedtime and brought Potato Head up to me.  He must have figured I was sick or something.  He is such a good guy.  Cats are the best.

We picked out Fritz and Spooky, but Millie picked me out.  I was standing near her cage and my finger was on the bars.  She came from the back of the cage to sniff me.  She wouldn't leave.  I was chosen.  It felt special.

It was the only time I have ever felt like I was being selected, chosen, someone's first choice.  I talked about this in therapy some months back and I could tell by her reaction that the feelings I have were sad.  I am usually blase about it.  That could be the medication dulling my feelings.  But then there are times - like now - that I think about it more than I should.

You see, I have never been someone's first choice.  I was expected to be a boy when I was born (In an effort to get me to hate my paternal grandmother, my mom told me my dad's side of the family wanted a boy and I was disappointing to them.)  In school, I was the classic last one picked for the team/group.  The only time I have ever been first is when we used to line up in size order - always the runt of the class.

When friendships started in earnest, I was never one people sought out.  When mother urged me to be more assertive, I was made to feel that I was not a part of those groups.  By constantly changing my schools, I was always the late-comer, trying to fit in to already established friend groups.  No one have ever sought me out for friendship.  People will approach me at the club, but that is just acquaintanceship, despite my wanting friendship from some of them.  They already have their friendships set.  I am not needed.

Then we turn to love.  I have had a grand total of three boyfriends an am now married.  All of them let me know that I was not the first choice.  Whether it was by letting me know that his friends thought I was ugly and he could do better, that I was asked out because the first choice was reportedly going to turn him down, that I was cheated on cos I would screw him, that I would be dumped if I didn't have sex with him, seeing the photos of the ex still on his wall when over at his place, being "accidentally" confused with the pined-over ex, being left out of social gatherings because the ex would be there, the friends making me feel unwanted, or having to leave a show because the ex showed up and got him frazzled...  Well, as you can see, no guy has ever chosen me first.  No one has ever told me they thought I was beautiful, wanted to take photos of me for mementos, or let friends know that I was being treated poorly.

When it comes to my students, I do keep in touch with some.  We develop great relationships while together in the building, but most of them dissipate after graduation.  I expect that.  It's natural.  But then there are some that I feel there could be a bond with.  But I am only there for them when they need something.  I have been asked for money twice in the past year.  The last person who did that stopped contacting me after talking and texting every week for ages.  There are those who visit me at school a lot.  But I realized they only come to talk at me.  If I try giving honest advice, I am disregarded, so in order to keep them in my life, I have learned to tell them what they want to hear.  The students contact me for advice, feedback, to give me news, to show off their latest songs/art/projects.  But they never contact me to just talk.  They do not miss me. They miss the way I make them feel.

I work hard to make the people in my life feel wanted and loved, listened to, important to me, like I am happy to have them in my life.  I don't get that.  I never have.  Ever.  I have never had a best friend.  I have never had a guy make me feel like I was first choice.  I have never had a friend make me feel like they sought me out and wanted me in their life.  I do not have anyone I can talk to without fear of retaliation if things go sour (because that has happened too often).  I do not have friends, I have acquaintances.  Once we can go out again, I am going to try the ideas in that book I read, but I am going to be pragmatic about it.  It might always be like this.  I am at an age where my life is probably over half over.  I made it this far being the back-up or the last option.  I hope none of you ever have to feel this.  It sucks.  But I also hope you take the time to find that person or people who do matter to you and let them know.  Only do it if you mean it, though. 

 On Wednesdays, I have bass guitar lessons.  The guy teaching me is an accomplished musician.  I am a doofus.  He is extremely patient with me and my horrible wifi.

This past week we had the most affirming conversation.  He was talking about feeling music within you, in your gut.  There is a difference between the head and the gut - the connection of one to this imaginary thing up there and the other connected to the earth.  He might have thought I was just going to go "uh-huh" but my skin got all tingly when he was talking.  

You see, my sister and I say that there is something wrong with my mother because she does not love music.  Sure, she likes songs.  But there is no passion.  For us, the music we like affects us within.  We have an emotional reaction.  We might feel something positive or negative, but it is not just a decision made in our heads.  Some songs come on and I can feel my breath halting, being sucked out of me.  Some songs make me feel funny, lightheaded, in another head space.  (I get this when looking at art as well.  It is apparently a condition.)

We talked about being connected to the earth.  Music instruments make sounds that you can hear but also feel from head to toe and in our gut, and not just from the vibrations of a loud amp.  You can feel them inside.  The pop fluff or bands making music to make bank aren't doing this for us.  To have him talk about this without him knowing these were my beliefs was so validating for me.  I told him that I do not do drugs and don't drink heavily.  My students wonder how I can manage that and I told him that when I listen to music, the right ones give me the sensations they describe from being high.  He nodded and got what I meant.  I have been made to feel like such a fucking loser by friends and students for seeing things this way.  I wasn't "getting it".  He refuted the idea that the best musicians make their best sounds while under the influence with facts that my students our "friends" would refuse to listen to.  The fact is, they can't do it.  Maybe write a lyric or two, but the music?  Not the genuinely moving stuff.

But you see, I am getting it.  And I am getting it in a more pure way that I can remember or recall much more readily.  And this person who has made music that takes me to a higher place and continues to make music that moves me (though I am too embarrassed to tell him how much I like his current band) validated all of this for me.  I might not become a better bass player right away, but I felt a little confidence at the end of our talk.

 No one I personally know is reading this based on the stats, so what the hell.

My feelings are currently in turmoil.  I want to keep teaching but my colleagues are horrible.  I spent December through the first half of March with a pain in my neck and my shoulders as well as a permanent low grade headache.  Once we went remote, the pain went away.  Just being away from the people I work with alleviated the pain.  Then I read an email one of them sent the Superintendent and the twinges of pain started. The only good thing about this virus is that when we return to the building, I have a legitimate reason for refusing entry to my room to every single one of them.

In addition, the former students who just visit to hear themselves talk or pretend they want my advice will not be allowed entry.

You see, I so desperately want a best friend - hell, even just a friend or someone who wants to hang out with me on occasion will do - that I rarely push away those who want to associate with me.  Mother drilled it into my head that only bothering with those who I have multiple things in common with was being closed minded and stupid.  This has led me to be stuck with people who are right-wing nutters pretending to be liberal, kids who think they are "edgy" but are just assholes, tons of selfish stoners, one kid who is such a shit to girls but he thinks he's being cool, people who only contact me to get my thumbs up on their creative endeavours (even if they are crap), and even one person who tried to talk to me about doubting vaccinations!  I felt like I was in an alternate universe when that person tried that.

I have felt so much better not having these people around me.  When the protocols for the new year came out, I relaxed seeing that visitors would not be allowed.  The ones I really wish would visit are the one-timers.  They come once or twice, then that's it.  I will no longer have colleagues come to my room to bitch about things because I am out of the way and away from prying eyes.  These people love to complain and will come to me to bitch, get advice or help, and then ignore me when that advice involves action.  One of them even joins things, attends one or two meetings, then drops off.  No follow through.

I have a couple more years before I can retire - without collecting benefits, of course - and the loss of students for so long has made me realize that I can make it through without the classroom.  I can leave teaching and survive.  I have two locations my husband and I discuss relocating to.  We are planning the finances to do it.  

But this not knowing what is happening with work - in or out of the room, wild rumours, knowing kids and their families are not following safety protocols cos they're so bored (!) - on top of the fact that I am very union- and politically- active but my local union is a toxic hellhole, the recent death of a relative, my dad's cancer, worrying about my nephew's loneliness, and being the daughter my mother thinks she can go to for sympathy when she deserves none just wrecks havoc with my emotions and sanity.  

I started music lessons.  I suck, but my teacher is super nice and patient.  I listen to my records all the time.  I am beginning to like my space in Minecraft.  If it is not raining, I am outside gardening, reading, swimming, biking, or hiking.  I have bought a shit ton of music to support the artists.  I stay up wildly late every night reading and drinking my glass of wine or absinthe.  I could work through this emotional shit if the club was open and I could dance it off, but oh well.  I live in a country where one's elitist, selfish, middle-class boredom has caused this pandemic to stick around.  

Trying to replicate being in the Crypt by listening to the club DJs online and drinking red wine.  I'm just not bold enough to dance in my living room.  So I chatted with an old student about ales and gardening.  I also worked on finishing some of my mom-in-law's unfinished Christmas decoration crafts.

You see, hubby's mom died three weeks ago, right before our birthdays.  I feel like I can write it here because no one will really read this anymore after my original posting for people to read my blog.  People have such short attention spans.  While most normal humans let everyone know when there is grave illness or death in their circle, I do not.  I leave my family business out of posts if it is current.  (Religion and sex are the two other things I do not talk about on or offline).  We spend one day a week down there to help his dad go through stuff.  She was a crafter, master quilter, and left quite a few projects unfinished.

That is not the sad part.  You see, we had not seen her since last September.  We always saw them on their birthdays, for our birthdays, and for Christmas.   In the fall, she started having more trouble.  She was on oxygen all the time and was really having trouble getting around.  Then I got sick - from kids at work, of course - so we had to cancel our Christmas trip there.  She could not have anyone around her if they had any germs.  Immuno-compromised.  Each time we were OK, she was not.  Then she ended up in the hospital in the winter.  Then she got so bad that she needed a hospital bed in the house.  She was too embarrassed to have us see her like that.  Hospice workers came to the house all the time to help hubby's dad with her.  

Then the virus came.  No one could go anywhere.  Hubby and I were healthy enough to see her, and she was doing better.  We could have seen each other.  But we could not.  Quarantine.  We thought this thing would blow over.  Other countries started loosening restrictions because numbers were way down.  Not here in the good old US of A.  People refused to stay home, refused to wear masks, and refused to stop hanging out with each other.  So hubby and I have been playing it safe since March.  And the numbers in our state started to go up.  Even though the in-laws are in Pennsylvania, they are in a river town.  But in their state people were also refusing to follow their governor's recommendations.  Because, well, freedom and boredom.  Short attentions spans.  All that.

Mom-in-law died and we never got to say goodbye.  We never got to give her her Christmas gifts.  The day after she died, the three of us got to see her one last time.  That's it.  No mourning.  No service.  No goodbye.  Just a big, empty, silent room in a funeral home.

This is from a post in September, 2016:

• The intrigue of the week?  Hearing that something that I have been wanting to do for years is now being done by other staff members.  My problem is that I talked about it with people I thought were friends.  It turns out they are taking my ideas and running with them.  So they can do their gardening club and that is fine with me, but the deceit and theft I am dealing with so far this year is hardening my resolve that I must no longer befriend my coworkers and must see my time with my students as my source of joy.  It doesn't disappoint me. I know who I am dealing with.  It's more like that gnat that keeps flying in your face as you are hiking a difficult trail.  You have bigger things to take care of and this annoying little thing keeps trying to distract you.  I am also finding out that I will be pushed out of a project I was discussing with the the colleague who came up with the idea and was spearheading it.  Actually, we are both being pushed out. 

Some people think I am cold, unforgiving, stubborn in my refusal to use the word "friend" with people.  Here is an update to the above situation.  There were awards received for that garden in the courtyard.  The superintendent continues to brag about the "Unity Garden" and those involved in it to this day.  One of the people involved in it who does not know the original idea was mine even asked me if I wanted to be involved, since I love gardening so much.  I just politely said "Thank you, but I have so many other things I am doing."  Why stir the pot by explaining why?

So I am just finished with the book I mentioned before.  One of the topics was conflict in friendships and how to be honest in dealing with them.  It advised you bring up the issue, let the person know how it makes you feel, and work from there.  And I thought that was a good idea and I would work up the nerve.

Then I thought for a bit.  I did bring it up.  Twice.  The last time, I was really upset about how I had been treated by someone and talking about how I am always trying to do the right thing and not one person in my life has not hurt me.  I said to this person "Tell me about the Unity Garden."  I got nothing.  No answer.

Fast forward to this year.  I am consoling this person after something sad and was told that they were so sorry for what they did to me in the past because they were under the influence of others.  I flashed to the garden.  I just said nothing.  I have given up trying to get this person to admit what was done to me.

Here's the thing.  Anyone can say they're sorry, they are trying to do better.  That is nice.  But there is more needed.  To truly be sorry, you have to be able to admit the specifics of what you did, particularly if you are asked point blank.  If the hurt person brings it up to achieve closure, you do not get to decide to gloss over it.  Without your admission, not only does the hurt party not get closure, but you get off the hook.  That is because you want to put it in the past to assuage your ego.  Don't do that.  Address it.  Take ownership of it.  The longer you wait to do it, the more damage you do and the less likely the person is to ever forgive you.

I am currently reading "Friending - Creating Meaningful, Lasting Adult Friendships" by Gina Handley Schmitt.  It isn't one of those stuffy self-help books for middle aged housewives.  I got it from an independent publisher.  

I like the book but it is at times upsetting.  It breaks things down into what one needs to do for friendships.  It begins by breaking things down into categories. I think people get offended when I say I have no friends, only acquaintances, but it is truth.  There are peers and acquaintances who do not know you well, there are those acquaintances who you share a little with, and then there are your friends.  There is an implicit trust and comfort in friendships.  All of these people like you and you know that. Then there is how to be a good friend by being there for the person by being available, authentic, affirming, assertive, and accepting.  

I am only nearing the end of the Being Authentic chapter, but the reading is good, informative, enlightening at times, and affirming at others.  I do believe there are different versions of ourselves.  We show different parts to different people.  Having said that, I can say that I have always tried to be authentic.  There were times when I tried things that were not "me" in an effort to not close people off.  It does not suit me.  I am probably most authentic with my students, hubby, and at the dance club.  This is probably because they involve the things that are important to me:  adventure, art, music, and travel.  I have nothing in common with most family and co-workers.  So be it.  

There was one thing that hit me hard, though.  There was discussion about expressing yourself to your friends, both good and bad.  Meaning, if there is something in the relationship you are unhappy with, it should not be a problem for one to express this without a problem.  I had a lot of trouble with this one and had to put the book down for a couple of days.  

I give an awful lot to my relationships.  Not out of obligation, but it's just who I am.  Sometimes I get support in return, most often I do not get the same at all.  Unfortunately, just because a person might have given me support in the past, does not mean they are a friend.  I think it was more a feeling of obligation on their part or them playing the part of a good friend.  In a relationship, according to Schmitt, both parties should be able to express their needs and ways they have been let down.  The friendship - if it is truly a friendship - will survive this, as long as the requests are made respectfully.

Here's my issue.  When I have expressed my needs - three whole times!- it did not go well.  One person dug in their heels and said I was too demanding.  Years later, therapy confirmed I was not being too demanding.  It didn't take any of the hurt away, but oh well.  Another time my request was met with a kind of "Well, I am awkward and not that way" kind of attitude.  OK.  The last time was when I requested someone let up on the negativity.  My request was met with days of silence and no contact.  Um, OK.  

So, as I get through this book, and I deal with the solitude of the, pandemic, and the loss of my contact with students, and a few deaths, I guess I have to make some decisions for real.  I say this so often, then I get suckered into thinking I am wrong.  I am just being too demanding (mother's voice) and too picky.  But I am not asking for gifts, money, tons of time.  I just want someone I can trust, talk to, know I will not be subject to revenge if we fall out, know that when I contact the person, they will respond, and I want no drama.  I mean, there's more, so much more to seek in a friend, but these are the basics.  I want to feel accepted, wanted, but also safe.  This spring, I realized I am not safe with anyone.  Revenge is too common and drama is too sought after.

So here I am, writing my thoughts after a year's break cos I got no one to say it to.  But don't feel sorry for me.  I am feeling a sense of freedom.  Twinged with loneliness, but freedom, none-the-less.

It has been awhile since I have done this.  I guess I had people to talk to so I wasn't blogging.  But things are different now.  If you care to read about what I am thinking, I am going to do this more often again.  Enjoy the ride while it lasts.