I keep having dreams about being at my grandmother's house.  Sometimes the people who bought it are there and sometimes they are not.  Last night, they were there but we still owned the house.  Sometimes it is in repair, sometimes it is not.  Sometimes her things are still there, sometimes the house is empty.  Last night, I was going through her stuff.  My sister had taken all the things she wanted - as she did when grandma died.  I was going through the living room taking down draperies to keep.  Then, I was going through all her costume jewelry in a dresser.

Sometimes I dream I am back working at the NBA.  I am taking care of the dupes and slides, filing away and keeping the library in tip top shape.  Sometimes I even go get a coffee from that fabulous coffee machine.  That thing was so legendary that when a friend of my sister's heard us talk about it, he sent us a photograph of the updated coffee machine.  Twenty years later and that thing still has fans.

So I dream about places and people I have good memories of.  Luckily, in my dreams I am back at places that made me happy.  Unfortunately, there is always a profound sense of loss in the dream.  I seem aware of the fact that this is not real or permanent.  When I wake up, there is sadness.

I think I dream of these things because I know that any happy moments I have are fleeting.  I was so happy in my job the last few years.  Now, the security and happiness are gone.  I love the subject I teach but the administration and colleagues have taken the joy out of this.  That is not to say that my job was a cakewalk.  I do come in at 6.00 am every day just to get all the work done.  It has never been an easy job.  But that exhaustion was balanced by a love for what I did.  That love is still there but the joy is gone.  I have a lot of selfish, short sighted people to thank for that.  I just graded a class worth of projects and need a nap.  I am exhausted.  I am burning out.  I am tired of fighting.  However, I am four years away from retirement benefits guaranteed - or at least as much as can be guaranteed in this anti-union climate.

I have a new friend and I am so content with this.  However, I know nothing in my life will last.  I dream of having friends that last long into old age but that never happens to me.  I tend to attract the selfish sort.  However, with a couple of the relatively new ones, I might have found people in it for the long haul.  That makes me happy.  But there is always the knowledge that I was not born to be happy and might lose friends I love dearly.

The dreams are kind of happy, but there is always sadness in the end.