Signs that something is wrong:

• I am thinking of coming in later in the morning.  I mean, why bother being here if there is nothing to do and no one to be with?
• Sunday night anxiety doesn't exist.  Sunday night ambivalence does.  So what if I stay up really late reading?  I have nothing to wake up for.
• Someone told me that if I leave after 25 years but not at retirement age, it is not retirement, it is just leaving.  It is not the same as when cops leave after 25 years.  Hmmm....
• I hear the footsteps approaching, eagerly look towards the door to see who is coming in but the footsteps aren't for me.
• I am thinking of who can replace me.  Maybe my sister needs a job when I am ready to go.  

I love my students past and present so much and it kills me knowing how I feel.  There are multiple reasons, some of which are personal.  I have never worked in one place for this long.  I have had to move a lot out of necessity - temporary positions, part time vs. full time, etc.  Some of it is related to the place.  I just do not feel like we are valued here.  The fine and performing arts are the best thing going at this school.  We are constantly getting our kids' work out into the community and winning awards and no one cares - not the school, the administration, the staff, or the community.  I feel like they are dying to get my room for space for other programs.  I feel they are dying to get my budget for the latest flavor of the month program.  When STEM is not the fad, they will move on to something else, pour money and time into the next fad, and then move on again.  The arts are the constant in this building and we are neglected and not cared about.  It is all lip service and it makes me wonder just what is the point anymore.  I think there is a great benefit to the students but no one cares about what benefits the kids.  The rumour is that the guy coming up from Trenton to guide us through our transitions is eager to rid this place of the arts.  How is that supposed to make one feel that what they do is worthwhile?  How is it supposed to make one feel when kids are always telling you guidance counselors are shifting them from your classes to business, management, and criminal justice classes?

Many of us in the art department do not just come in to teach.  We come in to make connections with the kids we are with every day.  We hope those relationships help them grow as young adults.  We hope they will stay in our lives and we can continue friendships or mentorships as they grow.  I know that does not exists as prevalently in other departments.  You might get my room and my money but you will lose a whole hell of a lot more.