The end of my summer vacation is here.  This is what I say goodbye to:

• leisurely mornings listening to Phil Schapp on the radio going on about his encyclopedic knowledge of jazz
• Spooky sitting by the radio enjoying the music, even my aurally disruptive punk records
• gardening in the morning light
• swimming
• lounging in the pool trying the get the birds at the bird feeder to talk to me
• reading and doing art on the patio, with little breaks to watch the birds at the bird bath
• watching out for hummingbirds, butterflies, and hoping some rare visitors will make it here this summer.  I miss the hummingbird moth.
• late nights reading on the couch with Fritz
• that tingle I get when someone contacts me to hang out
• time to search for art shows to put my work in
• the freedom to do whatever I want with my hair
• afternoon rest time with Spooky and Fritz on the couch
• Wednesday trips to the beach
• fried squash flowers
• sitting on the dining room bench gazing out the window at all the stars

Things I will not miss:

• Spooky and Fritz harassing me to feed them an hour and a half before feeding time
• the crappy weather
• the feeling of dejection when I don't get invites to hang out - this happens more often than not
• so much time spent on political work

I have not had a year start off this way, with respect to my emotions.  Every time I look around the room I am reminded of people I miss.  I look at where they sat, their darkroom stations, where I would sit or stand while we talked about class stuff or life and I miss them so much.  I look at my new rosters and I feel apprehension and ambivalence. I know barely anyone.  I have not gone into a year knowing so few kids in a long time.  It makes me miss my regulars even more.  I feel a hole in my chest, much like when Millie died.  The only difference is I am not crying uncontrollably.  I got a message from one of them yesterday to meet up and talk about college and my heart skipped a beat.  These are people I really connected with and I don't want to lose them.  

I also fear for my feelings about this profession.  I still want to teach until I retire, but what is my place in this profession?  What is my place in this district?  I cannot kiss ass.  I just do not have the time to volunteer for every single kiss ass opportunity.  I put too much into what I do in the classroom, and before and after school.  If I kiss ass and join everything, I am not there for the kids.  So do I risk the ramifications of not volunteering for everything?  I do a club, many art shows, and I am on a state committee.  Yet I still fear what the guidance department can do to my class, whether directed from up top or because of a personal vendetta from within my department.  Do I stay here and suffer what they can do to me?  I see them doing things to push others out.  Will it happen to me?  It has not yet, but I worry.  I can't teach anywhere else - I cost too much.  And I love the connections I make with young people.  I am not looking forward to this year because of the answers to these questions that might pop up over the next ten months.