I have a lunch date for coffee with a former student today. The gals are the dependable ones this year. Last year I was screwed over by a boy and a girl. This time the boys are the flakes. Go figure. Needless to say, I am happy to be socializing. I have been stood up a couple of times by makes (socializing, meetings, etc.) and it is not fun to waste a trip. I can't wait for good coffee, life updates, and the best cafe in Morris/Essex County. Let's see how long this lasts.
I have a half a month left and I am already dying for my next chance to get the hell out. I think about the coming months and my chest hurts. I am not happy to return to a toxic work environment. It is not just the administration but the colleagues as well. I am going to take a comrade's example to follow this year: Work for union stuff, just not in my building. My colleagues are toxic and it has seeped into the union. If the leadership takes another opportunity to throw a dig at the previous leadership, I am sending a request to grow up to our president. I am in a room with kids all day. I don't need to be subjected to infantile behaviour at meetings.
So hubby and I decided to return to Scotland for our next trip and I am already set on cementing those plans. My heart hurts thinking about living here. I love my corner of the state, my little freak town, my little plot of land, and my little house. But every single time I go out in daylight, I resent the way things have gotten. Drivers are so hostile. Traveling anywhere has become a contact sport. I hate it. I just want people to be nice and courteous to each other. I talked to a comrade about moving to Europe. We agreed the political situations in European countries can be as bad or worse, but the quality of life is so much better. And that is what I need: Quality of life.
I have been let down by so many people over the past couple of years, including this summer. Stood up, plans that never happened, requests for help that are never reciprocated, shit-talked, you name it. All emotional, but harmful nevertheless. I have been thinking of removing myself from the situations. Shall I refuse to respond to people when they request help? Shall I no longer respond to requests for socializing from flaky students? I don't know. It might be better for my sanity. I would have more time to focus on my art, that's for sure. By working hard on that over the past few months, I got into two shows this summer. I didn't need flaky people who claim to be friends to achieve that. I have been wondering if I should just focus on making connections in art and travel rather than work. The work relationships have been nothing but depressing for me. Even those that heal still hurt due to unresolved damage. I just want to go to my job, do the best I do, have a positive impact on the kids, and go home at 3.05. I don't want that place to be my life anymore because I know in my heart I don't belong there. I know in my heart that I belong where the art is and where they speak other languages.
Friday, August 10, 2018
Thursday, August 9, 2018
I like to ride a bike on rail trails. Apparently harder than I thought. I found out that for the last few rides, I put the front tire on backwards (the treads were in the wrong direction) and I had the brakes engaged the whole time since I hoked them up wrong. No wonder I was having to pedal so hard. On the upside, my thighs are hard as a rock. At least I am not getting weaker as I had thought. Just making idiotic moves.
I checked out my schedule. So far, no drastic changes. All photo. Hooray. I picked up a wonderful book at bluestockings yesterday and already starting in on it. It aligns with how I want more socially responsible teaching. I will also revisit my book on teaching from Zinn's history of the US. If I go along with those two this year, I should be back to what I want to do: teach socially responsible young adults.
So the social justice group I am in has a lot of tech people and a few teachers. I tabled with a teacher on Sunday. We were talking a little bit. We are both of the mindset that teachers need the summer off. We put so many hours in over the school year that we need the summer to recharge. We are "on" all the time. We are on stage with a demanding audience. The manner in which he referred to his lack of free time made me realize he is a true teacher, not just a coaster. He knows what it takes to teach and what it takes out of you.
Which gets me to my point. I am the chair of this organization. There are some people who seem to have endless amounts of time in which they can do work for the group. In more than a few instances, I have gotten the feeling that I am letting them down with my lack of free time. I know I do not compare to the previous leaders. In my mind, at least I stepped up to run when no one else would.
The thing is, I am involved with a state union committee, I run a club, I am the treasurer of a town organization, and I try to do my own art on the side. I am a public school teacher. That is very different than working in IT or other areas of the private sector where - based on the friends I have in IT - there are times of lots of nothing and then times of lots to work. I am not in a cushy lots of free time university teaching job with copious amount of time off. I have NO FREE TIME during the school day. Period. I can barely schedule time to take a piss. Yet there were times it was clear people were waiting for a response from me in an email chain or on the slack channel. I hate to break it to you people, but it is not going to happen. Yes, this group is vital to me - has been since I joined in 2012 - but my job and my students take precedence during the school day. From the time I wake up at 5.00 am to get to work at 6.00 am until I get home around 4.00 pm, I may or may not be available for any political work. That is just the way it is. I appreciate the comments about how great we teachers are but I have found out it is merely lip service. If you can find the time to surf twitter, gab on the slack channel, and peruse the atrocities going on around the world, you are in a more privileged position that I am. You are probably making exponentially more than I am. I will say this right here: I think IT jobs are crap and do not deserve the money and respect they get. Most IT people I know are privileged white hipster dudes and dudettes with an awful lot of free time that I do not have. If I am up at midnight during the school year, sorry for not working on politics. It is because I can't sleep over some issue with a student, I am grading work, or I have anxiety over the horrendous working situation most of us public school teachers are in day in and day out. If I was still working in publishing, I would sure have a lot more time to put in. I would be on top of all emails and chats during the day. You see, I used to work in the private sector and know the difference between that work day and the work day of a public school teacher.
The school year starts in a couple of weeks. I will be less available. People will be pissed. Tough shit. My kids come first. The work I do in the classroom is political as well and I am doing this each and every day of the school year. I might not be the saviour other leaders were, but I am the only public sector worker who offered to step up and I am managing quite well considering. Now, I am going to go outside, garden, read, and enjoy my well deserved time off.
I checked out my schedule. So far, no drastic changes. All photo. Hooray. I picked up a wonderful book at bluestockings yesterday and already starting in on it. It aligns with how I want more socially responsible teaching. I will also revisit my book on teaching from Zinn's history of the US. If I go along with those two this year, I should be back to what I want to do: teach socially responsible young adults.
So the social justice group I am in has a lot of tech people and a few teachers. I tabled with a teacher on Sunday. We were talking a little bit. We are both of the mindset that teachers need the summer off. We put so many hours in over the school year that we need the summer to recharge. We are "on" all the time. We are on stage with a demanding audience. The manner in which he referred to his lack of free time made me realize he is a true teacher, not just a coaster. He knows what it takes to teach and what it takes out of you.
Which gets me to my point. I am the chair of this organization. There are some people who seem to have endless amounts of time in which they can do work for the group. In more than a few instances, I have gotten the feeling that I am letting them down with my lack of free time. I know I do not compare to the previous leaders. In my mind, at least I stepped up to run when no one else would.
The thing is, I am involved with a state union committee, I run a club, I am the treasurer of a town organization, and I try to do my own art on the side. I am a public school teacher. That is very different than working in IT or other areas of the private sector where - based on the friends I have in IT - there are times of lots of nothing and then times of lots to work. I am not in a cushy lots of free time university teaching job with copious amount of time off. I have NO FREE TIME during the school day. Period. I can barely schedule time to take a piss. Yet there were times it was clear people were waiting for a response from me in an email chain or on the slack channel. I hate to break it to you people, but it is not going to happen. Yes, this group is vital to me - has been since I joined in 2012 - but my job and my students take precedence during the school day. From the time I wake up at 5.00 am to get to work at 6.00 am until I get home around 4.00 pm, I may or may not be available for any political work. That is just the way it is. I appreciate the comments about how great we teachers are but I have found out it is merely lip service. If you can find the time to surf twitter, gab on the slack channel, and peruse the atrocities going on around the world, you are in a more privileged position that I am. You are probably making exponentially more than I am. I will say this right here: I think IT jobs are crap and do not deserve the money and respect they get. Most IT people I know are privileged white hipster dudes and dudettes with an awful lot of free time that I do not have. If I am up at midnight during the school year, sorry for not working on politics. It is because I can't sleep over some issue with a student, I am grading work, or I have anxiety over the horrendous working situation most of us public school teachers are in day in and day out. If I was still working in publishing, I would sure have a lot more time to put in. I would be on top of all emails and chats during the day. You see, I used to work in the private sector and know the difference between that work day and the work day of a public school teacher.
The school year starts in a couple of weeks. I will be less available. People will be pissed. Tough shit. My kids come first. The work I do in the classroom is political as well and I am doing this each and every day of the school year. I might not be the saviour other leaders were, but I am the only public sector worker who offered to step up and I am managing quite well considering. Now, I am going to go outside, garden, read, and enjoy my well deserved time off.
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