I keep having dreams about being at my grandmother's house.  Sometimes the people who bought it are there and sometimes they are not.  Last night, they were there but we still owned the house.  Sometimes it is in repair, sometimes it is not.  Sometimes her things are still there, sometimes the house is empty.  Last night, I was going through her stuff.  My sister had taken all the things she wanted - as she did when grandma died.  I was going through the living room taking down draperies to keep.  Then, I was going through all her costume jewelry in a dresser.

Sometimes I dream I am back working at the NBA.  I am taking care of the dupes and slides, filing away and keeping the library in tip top shape.  Sometimes I even go get a coffee from that fabulous coffee machine.  That thing was so legendary that when a friend of my sister's heard us talk about it, he sent us a photograph of the updated coffee machine.  Twenty years later and that thing still has fans.

So I dream about places and people I have good memories of.  Luckily, in my dreams I am back at places that made me happy.  Unfortunately, there is always a profound sense of loss in the dream.  I seem aware of the fact that this is not real or permanent.  When I wake up, there is sadness.

I think I dream of these things because I know that any happy moments I have are fleeting.  I was so happy in my job the last few years.  Now, the security and happiness are gone.  I love the subject I teach but the administration and colleagues have taken the joy out of this.  That is not to say that my job was a cakewalk.  I do come in at 6.00 am every day just to get all the work done.  It has never been an easy job.  But that exhaustion was balanced by a love for what I did.  That love is still there but the joy is gone.  I have a lot of selfish, short sighted people to thank for that.  I just graded a class worth of projects and need a nap.  I am exhausted.  I am burning out.  I am tired of fighting.  However, I am four years away from retirement benefits guaranteed - or at least as much as can be guaranteed in this anti-union climate.

I have a new friend and I am so content with this.  However, I know nothing in my life will last.  I dream of having friends that last long into old age but that never happens to me.  I tend to attract the selfish sort.  However, with a couple of the relatively new ones, I might have found people in it for the long haul.  That makes me happy.  But there is always the knowledge that I was not born to be happy and might lose friends I love dearly.

The dreams are kind of happy, but there is always sadness in the end.

There is a tightness in my chest and I fear it will be here for the whole week.  We are jumping through hoops here doing what we can to make the program last, knowing it might all be futile.  Yesterday, I took my first day off to go to Rutgers to take part in an informal talk about Feminism and the organization I am the chair of.  I thought all was ok because I was the specific one asked to participate.  However, during an executive committee phone call meeting last night, I was given the impression that I should have deferred to someone else.  It was not until I clarified that it was about feminism and a woman's perspective that the accuser relented.  I had to clarify that this was not a talk about the organization and it's presence on college campuses.  However, I would like to point out that the individual who is our college point person is MIA much of the time - not on phone calls, rarely comes to meetings.  Yet, I do not get snippy.  I note that he does a good job when I am contacted by college students about starting a branch of our organization on campus.  But I am the one who slipped up.

Then I am given the impression that I should be getting membership updates on a bi-weekly basis.  I get the feeling that every idea that this couple of members have is discussed at length as a failing on my part instead of just simply making the suggestion to me as they come up with it.

No offense, but I do not have a job in which I can just sit around all day contemplating the fate of the organization.  I am teaching all day and even dealing with school stuff into the night.  I am not commuting on a train or bus and able to do organization stuff on my commute.  Hell, I have kids with me each and every lunch period.  I barely have time to take a piss.

Someone might point out that I am going clubbing every week and yes, I am.  But am I supposed to give up all my free time for the organization?  No.  I was told that I should delegate and that is what I am trying to do.  Have others take care of things.  I do not do the social media stuff because we have an elected person in charge of that.  He doesn't do a great job with the facebook stuff, but when I hinted at that, I got nowhere. I refuse to give every minute of my free time because I know I will burn out.  I saw that happen with one of our elected officials last year and he is slipping in his volunteer activities right now, even though he is not elected.

Another point of contention:  There is apparently a problem if I find a meeting location that is not 100% accessible but the branch has had meetings in a building that is not accessible.  I feel I can do nothing right as of right now and after I encounter this one (and sometimes one other) person, I want to quit.

Luckily for me I had a friend contact me yesterday after we hadn't seen each other for a couple of weeks.  He was "poking the bear" - aka getting a rise out of a mutual acquaintance online - and we chatted on and off all day, just like old times.  I will see him Saturday night and I cannot wait.  I also chatted with a new friend into the night and it all made me feel better.

Than I came to work and saw my substitute did not hand out the sheets for my students to work on yesterday.  Aggravation.  And I will be here until 9.00 pm tonight for an open house.  And I am having phone problems.  And I got an email at 6.30 from my least favourite member about sending out an email.  So while I breathed easy last night after an aggravating phone call, the tightness is back.

I want to cry or punch a wall.

So basically this is my theory:  Move the last one hired in our department to the Technology Department; fire the next three (that includes me); move a guy into our department or move her back to our department; keep the first one hired; end up with an Art Department of two people.

The last woman hired has been given the Web Design class to teach.  She has been directed to get her Technology certificate.  She would be the first one fired but if she is moved to another department temporarily, then the last one hired in our department changes.  They already RIF'd one person so they have no barriers to RIF others in the department.  They can fire three of us.

There is a teacher who is going for a certificate in media, film, and digital photography.  If he is doing this, they can move my class out of art and into technology and have him teach it, while scrapping the darkroom.  I lose my job.  They can then move the last one hired back in the art department, leaving them with two proper art certified teachers for the whole school.

There are claims left and right that money is tight, but they are spending money all over the place.  They removed a person from and administrative position and had to offer him his old teaching job back.  There are too many teachers in that department.  Someone should have been let go but due to the political connections of the last two hires, they could not do that.  So the department is overloaded and teachers are not teaching full course loads but getting full time pay.  But they RIF'd an art teacher.

Is all of this coming from the little man?  I do not know.  I do know that I had a couple of conversations with people familiar with him.  He did not leave anyone with good feelings in his past district.  As a matter of fact, the look of horror on people's faces when I bring up his name should be enough to make you wonder why we are dealing with him here.  He was run out of his district and the rumour is that the state fired him.

I am tired of this place's games.  I am depressed and having a hard time getting up each morning.  The time from 6.00 am to when I start seeing kids is so hard for me.  The treatment of us is abominable.  I am on more medicine due to the stress and anxiety.  I do believe there are a number of us teachers that could start a mental cruelty lawsuit here.  I have never worked in a place like this, ever.  I am so sad and angry.  I need people to talk to about this who are neutral but no one wants to listen.  I do not want to talk to colleagues because we are all going through the same thing.  I am either on the brink of tears, about to punch a wall, or numb to it all.

I think I will go and write some college recommendation letters.