Today is a busy day.  Fritz was confused by my early bedtime and brought Potato Head up to me.  He must have figured I was sick or something.  He is such a good guy.  Cats are the best.

We picked out Fritz and Spooky, but Millie picked me out.  I was standing near her cage and my finger was on the bars.  She came from the back of the cage to sniff me.  She wouldn't leave.  I was chosen.  It felt special.

It was the only time I have ever felt like I was being selected, chosen, someone's first choice.  I talked about this in therapy some months back and I could tell by her reaction that the feelings I have were sad.  I am usually blase about it.  That could be the medication dulling my feelings.  But then there are times - like now - that I think about it more than I should.

You see, I have never been someone's first choice.  I was expected to be a boy when I was born (In an effort to get me to hate my paternal grandmother, my mom told me my dad's side of the family wanted a boy and I was disappointing to them.)  In school, I was the classic last one picked for the team/group.  The only time I have ever been first is when we used to line up in size order - always the runt of the class.

When friendships started in earnest, I was never one people sought out.  When mother urged me to be more assertive, I was made to feel that I was not a part of those groups.  By constantly changing my schools, I was always the late-comer, trying to fit in to already established friend groups.  No one have ever sought me out for friendship.  People will approach me at the club, but that is just acquaintanceship, despite my wanting friendship from some of them.  They already have their friendships set.  I am not needed.

Then we turn to love.  I have had a grand total of three boyfriends an am now married.  All of them let me know that I was not the first choice.  Whether it was by letting me know that his friends thought I was ugly and he could do better, that I was asked out because the first choice was reportedly going to turn him down, that I was cheated on cos I would screw him, that I would be dumped if I didn't have sex with him, seeing the photos of the ex still on his wall when over at his place, being "accidentally" confused with the pined-over ex, being left out of social gatherings because the ex would be there, the friends making me feel unwanted, or having to leave a show because the ex showed up and got him frazzled...  Well, as you can see, no guy has ever chosen me first.  No one has ever told me they thought I was beautiful, wanted to take photos of me for mementos, or let friends know that I was being treated poorly.

When it comes to my students, I do keep in touch with some.  We develop great relationships while together in the building, but most of them dissipate after graduation.  I expect that.  It's natural.  But then there are some that I feel there could be a bond with.  But I am only there for them when they need something.  I have been asked for money twice in the past year.  The last person who did that stopped contacting me after talking and texting every week for ages.  There are those who visit me at school a lot.  But I realized they only come to talk at me.  If I try giving honest advice, I am disregarded, so in order to keep them in my life, I have learned to tell them what they want to hear.  The students contact me for advice, feedback, to give me news, to show off their latest songs/art/projects.  But they never contact me to just talk.  They do not miss me. They miss the way I make them feel.

I work hard to make the people in my life feel wanted and loved, listened to, important to me, like I am happy to have them in my life.  I don't get that.  I never have.  Ever.  I have never had a best friend.  I have never had a guy make me feel like I was first choice.  I have never had a friend make me feel like they sought me out and wanted me in their life.  I do not have anyone I can talk to without fear of retaliation if things go sour (because that has happened too often).  I do not have friends, I have acquaintances.  Once we can go out again, I am going to try the ideas in that book I read, but I am going to be pragmatic about it.  It might always be like this.  I am at an age where my life is probably over half over.  I made it this far being the back-up or the last option.  I hope none of you ever have to feel this.  It sucks.  But I also hope you take the time to find that person or people who do matter to you and let them know.  Only do it if you mean it, though.