No one I personally know is reading this based on the stats, so what the hell.

My feelings are currently in turmoil.  I want to keep teaching but my colleagues are horrible.  I spent December through the first half of March with a pain in my neck and my shoulders as well as a permanent low grade headache.  Once we went remote, the pain went away.  Just being away from the people I work with alleviated the pain.  Then I read an email one of them sent the Superintendent and the twinges of pain started. The only good thing about this virus is that when we return to the building, I have a legitimate reason for refusing entry to my room to every single one of them.

In addition, the former students who just visit to hear themselves talk or pretend they want my advice will not be allowed entry.

You see, I so desperately want a best friend - hell, even just a friend or someone who wants to hang out with me on occasion will do - that I rarely push away those who want to associate with me.  Mother drilled it into my head that only bothering with those who I have multiple things in common with was being closed minded and stupid.  This has led me to be stuck with people who are right-wing nutters pretending to be liberal, kids who think they are "edgy" but are just assholes, tons of selfish stoners, one kid who is such a shit to girls but he thinks he's being cool, people who only contact me to get my thumbs up on their creative endeavours (even if they are crap), and even one person who tried to talk to me about doubting vaccinations!  I felt like I was in an alternate universe when that person tried that.

I have felt so much better not having these people around me.  When the protocols for the new year came out, I relaxed seeing that visitors would not be allowed.  The ones I really wish would visit are the one-timers.  They come once or twice, then that's it.  I will no longer have colleagues come to my room to bitch about things because I am out of the way and away from prying eyes.  These people love to complain and will come to me to bitch, get advice or help, and then ignore me when that advice involves action.  One of them even joins things, attends one or two meetings, then drops off.  No follow through.

I have a couple more years before I can retire - without collecting benefits, of course - and the loss of students for so long has made me realize that I can make it through without the classroom.  I can leave teaching and survive.  I have two locations my husband and I discuss relocating to.  We are planning the finances to do it.  

But this not knowing what is happening with work - in or out of the room, wild rumours, knowing kids and their families are not following safety protocols cos they're so bored (!) - on top of the fact that I am very union- and politically- active but my local union is a toxic hellhole, the recent death of a relative, my dad's cancer, worrying about my nephew's loneliness, and being the daughter my mother thinks she can go to for sympathy when she deserves none just wrecks havoc with my emotions and sanity.  

I started music lessons.  I suck, but my teacher is super nice and patient.  I listen to my records all the time.  I am beginning to like my space in Minecraft.  If it is not raining, I am outside gardening, reading, swimming, biking, or hiking.  I have bought a shit ton of music to support the artists.  I stay up wildly late every night reading and drinking my glass of wine or absinthe.  I could work through this emotional shit if the club was open and I could dance it off, but oh well.  I live in a country where one's elitist, selfish, middle-class boredom has caused this pandemic to stick around.