I am currently reading "Friending - Creating Meaningful, Lasting Adult Friendships" by Gina Handley Schmitt.  It isn't one of those stuffy self-help books for middle aged housewives.  I got it from an independent publisher.  

I like the book but it is at times upsetting.  It breaks things down into what one needs to do for friendships.  It begins by breaking things down into categories. I think people get offended when I say I have no friends, only acquaintances, but it is truth.  There are peers and acquaintances who do not know you well, there are those acquaintances who you share a little with, and then there are your friends.  There is an implicit trust and comfort in friendships.  All of these people like you and you know that. Then there is how to be a good friend by being there for the person by being available, authentic, affirming, assertive, and accepting.  

I am only nearing the end of the Being Authentic chapter, but the reading is good, informative, enlightening at times, and affirming at others.  I do believe there are different versions of ourselves.  We show different parts to different people.  Having said that, I can say that I have always tried to be authentic.  There were times when I tried things that were not "me" in an effort to not close people off.  It does not suit me.  I am probably most authentic with my students, hubby, and at the dance club.  This is probably because they involve the things that are important to me:  adventure, art, music, and travel.  I have nothing in common with most family and co-workers.  So be it.  

There was one thing that hit me hard, though.  There was discussion about expressing yourself to your friends, both good and bad.  Meaning, if there is something in the relationship you are unhappy with, it should not be a problem for one to express this without a problem.  I had a lot of trouble with this one and had to put the book down for a couple of days.  

I give an awful lot to my relationships.  Not out of obligation, but it's just who I am.  Sometimes I get support in return, most often I do not get the same at all.  Unfortunately, just because a person might have given me support in the past, does not mean they are a friend.  I think it was more a feeling of obligation on their part or them playing the part of a good friend.  In a relationship, according to Schmitt, both parties should be able to express their needs and ways they have been let down.  The friendship - if it is truly a friendship - will survive this, as long as the requests are made respectfully.

Here's my issue.  When I have expressed my needs - three whole times!- it did not go well.  One person dug in their heels and said I was too demanding.  Years later, therapy confirmed I was not being too demanding.  It didn't take any of the hurt away, but oh well.  Another time my request was met with a kind of "Well, I am awkward and not that way" kind of attitude.  OK.  The last time was when I requested someone let up on the negativity.  My request was met with days of silence and no contact.  Um, OK.  

So, as I get through this book, and I deal with the solitude of the, pandemic, and the loss of my contact with students, and a few deaths, I guess I have to make some decisions for real.  I say this so often, then I get suckered into thinking I am wrong.  I am just being too demanding (mother's voice) and too picky.  But I am not asking for gifts, money, tons of time.  I just want someone I can trust, talk to, know I will not be subject to revenge if we fall out, know that when I contact the person, they will respond, and I want no drama.  I mean, there's more, so much more to seek in a friend, but these are the basics.  I want to feel accepted, wanted, but also safe.  This spring, I realized I am not safe with anyone.  Revenge is too common and drama is too sought after.

So here I am, writing my thoughts after a year's break cos I got no one to say it to.  But don't feel sorry for me.  I am feeling a sense of freedom.  Twinged with loneliness, but freedom, none-the-less.