Offloading

I use this mainly for my ideas and how they relate to teaching, how I bring who I am and what I believe into the classroom.  Sometimes I vent about life things....  Today I need to write about things I won't or can't say.

I rarely have a good night's sleep for various reasons.   Lately - well, the last several months - it involves my waking up with my left hand numb.  I know what this means:  oncoming carpal tunnel  I had it in my right hand, had the surgery over a summer vacation and all is fine.  Big deal, right?  Wrong.  I am left-handed and work with my hands.  If I thought right hand problems were upsetting, you can guess how bad this is.  The cramping has not come yet and I am doing exercises to alleviate the issue, but the numbness is getting worse.  My hand goes numb on long drives, bike rides, and while working on the computer.  I don't dare try felting.  And I was going to try setting mu a metalsmithing area in the basement, but that will not happen.  If I can't use a mouse how the hell am I going to wield a mallet?  I do not dare talk about how devastating this is to anyone because non-art people do not care or comprehend.

Another love of mine, gardening.  Carpal tunnel will put a damper on that.  I was also thinking of getting a certain instrument again since I rid the house of the last space hog.  I need both hands for that.  Why bother spending the money?  And to top it off, I have acquired a massive amount of blisters this week as a result of contact with goldenrod.  I do not get poison ivy but have contact allergies to a host of other plants - decorative gourd vines and other squashes, ghetto palms, you get the idea.  I am in pain and my arms, neck, and face are on fire.  I look a right mess most of the time, and this makes me look even worse.  The blisters are itching and burning and I want to pop them so badly.  I can only get relief from soaking in the pool.  Left side of the face submerged, arms fully submerged.  I look dead.  But I feel good.

Another reason to feel good:  I looked online and found the rosters for next year's classes.  I am enjoying my summer a great deal.  This summer seems to be just for me, alone time.  I see friends and acquaintances, but not too much.   I tend to neglect what I need in order to make others happy.  It does not do me any good, but the moment I look out for myself, I am made to feel guilty.  I am excited for the coming time with the kids though.  Yes, high schoolers can be moody and mean.  However, I do not take their cruelty to heart.  When a student snaps at me, I look at where it is coming from, and I never see it as personal.  There is always an underlying, unrelated reason for the behaviour.  I am rarely hurt by it.  But the main reason I don't take it poorly is because it is usually followed by an apology.  And the students are so genuinely thankful for all I do for them and all the time I spend with them.  That means a great deal to me.  And if I have snapped at a student, I apologize.  Adults rarely - if ever - do that.  At least not with me.  I find myself doing the British thing - "so sorry" - far too often.  Yet when I am hurt or snapped at I do not hear those words.

And so, when the school year starts, and I start to drop off the face of the earth, it will be because I am giving myself to people who make me feel good about myself - my students.  And what a bunch I will have.  One particular period looks to be a hoot.  This one kid seemed to despise me when I had lunch duty his freshman year.  Then last year he keeps trying to get in my class but all periods were full.  Well, he made it in so far.  And the rest of that period?  A host of fabulous characters.  The two kids who made anti-Vasa backgrounds for their computers?   Together again in Photo II.  So I will mourn the loss of garden and Millie time come September 1, but a different kind of happiness will fill my days and nights.

Sigh....  If only I could feel this wanted with my friends.