Went out again last night. The club I have been going to for the past year had a 24th birthday party. I was not going to go at all. I figured I am a new face there and there would be tons of people who I do not know and it would be packed. I would just be in the way. But I went and I am so happy that I did. It did wonders for my mood.
I started to see some faces from the other two clubs I went to. But they were not people I knew or was friends with. It did make me feel warm and gushy inside, that little bit of familiarity. When the downstairs opened up, I skedaddled on down to the room I like. The DJs were playing such great music and I rarely sat. Then I get a tap on the shoulder. A guy asks me if I have a sister and if I went to club A back in the day. (This place burned down years ago.) I did indeed. He asked my name. He said "We knew it was you!" This group of people recognized my goofy dancing and had to know if it was me (or sis). All of us got to talking. They all had nicknames for the regulars, and - holy crap - their nicknames were the same as the ones my sister and I had for the same people. I dared to ask if they had ones for sis and me. The response: if we did we're not telling! But here's the thing that is sticking with me... They said they always noticed us because we came out, danced, kept to ourselves, made no fuss, and went home. Sis and I are seen as stand-offish and anti-social. We are painfully shy (life has forced that to change a bit) and don't make friends easily. But some people noticed us in a cool way. This made me feel real good at a time I need to feel good.
Here's why....
There have always been people who want to be the center of the crowd. Meeting and being friends with the cool people is like marking notches in a belt. They believe they grace a place with their presence upon arrival and do not believe in paying to get in. These are the types always looking for a freebie, always looking for someone to do something for them.... That's not me. I prefer to stay on the sidelines. I have never been and will never bee a part of "the crowd". I see people create drama and call attention to themselves. If you are not having a good time, why are you out? I don't like to create a spectacle at all. There are people who create it and want it fed. It made me so happy to know that in all these years, I was not seen as that type. One of the regular DJs had mentioned upon being introduced months back that he recognized me from club B (my haunt after club A burnt). Memorable enough to remember, but anonymous enough to not leave a bad taste in someone's mouth. Just how I like it.
I have been incredibly stressed lately. I have not been looking out for myself and it is showing. My summers are usually a healing time. They haven't been. I am breaking out (What teacher breaks out in the summer? Testing season is the time for that!). I get hives and blisters when stressed. I am now on my fourth week and second developing set of those friends. I do not sleep through the night. I have a great deal of compassion for the struggles my students have due to their life situations and give a great deal of myself to them. They are at an age where they do not fully know how to handle life and many of them have been dealt a horrible hand. I need to make sure I am fully there for them come September. I need to get myself back in order to do that to the best of my ability. Talking to those people gave me more confidence to do that.
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