Friendship

I might be a teacher but I am still learning.  One lesson?  Friendship is hard to find.  My students worry so much about their current friends.  My thoughts?  Pssh.  Once that person starts to take advantage of you or disrespect you, pay close attention.  If you feel bad about yourself, that is a sign.    You don't have to end the friendship, but it would be wise to alter your view of it so you are not hurt.

The hurt comes quite often.  More so than I would like to admit to them.  When I was younger, it was hard for me to maintain friends.  We moved a bit and I was moved out of schools.  My sister recently acknowledged to someone how hard it must have been on me.  It was.  Now, the problems seems to be one of another sort and I have not quite figured it out.  I give a great deal of myself to my friends and acquaintances.  I give my time, advice, encouragement, support, assistance.  I do not believe friendship is proven by dollar store tchotchkes or pricey gifts.  If I give material things, it is because I believe it is something with meaning, or it might be plants or stuff from my garden, or something I have crafted.  Those things I give that cost no money cost a great deal emotionally.

I do not open my home to people.  I don't like to entertain.  I like the idea of it, but I don't like to do it.  If I invite a person over, that is a big deal.  I love having people over to see my garden in bloom.  If I seem in a rush to get a person over, it is because I want to share my garden with you.  If I think you might like a certain flower (one friend loves hibiscus; another, lilies), I might seem over zealous in trying to get you over.  I am not trying to drive you crazy.  I just want to see you enjoy my place.

Sometimes we are friends with different groups of people.  Sometimes, there is animosity between individuals in those distinct groups.  I have never expected a friend to treat a person poorly if said individual wronged me.  Dictating who you should or should not like, is not what a friend does.  However, I have been expected to do this.  If a person has not hurt me, why am I expected to cut ties?  Yet if a person has hurt me in some way but is a good drinking buddy, has "cool" taste, knows the right people, well, I just have to understand your desire to keep those ties.  "There are two sides to every story, you know. "

I make sure I am there for any person who needs to talk. Some people I have known over the years have had pretty traumatic stuff happen to them.  Regardless of what I am in the middle of doing, if there is an indication that a friend needs to talk, I drop things to be there.  I will actively listen and try not to interrupt.  If advice is sought, I give it.  If you just want someone to listen, I will just listen.  I will also make sure to ask you how you are doing.  You will not open up to me and ever get the feeling I have forgotten what you told me.  I think about your sadness and pain, and I check in on you to make sure you are doing well.  When I ask how you are doing, I mean to know if you are doing well or not.  Opening up to someone about some things is very hard.  It takes a great deal to tell anyone certain things about oneself or one's history.  Having someone actually care about your well-being is critical to healing.  Having someone appear to forget you are struggling with something derails the effort to heal - particularly if you have been the go-to person for other people's healing.

As a teacher, it is hard to be selfish.  You have to be there for your students at all times.  I like to think I take care of my own needs in my private life, but that is just not the case.  I have stopped everything to be there for people at the drop of a hat.  Yet when the moment comes that I do not do someone's bidding, I have been made to feel that I am cold, unfeeling, or selfish.  No.  I am not selfish.  I am practicing self preservation.  And there is a distinct difference between the two.  I have let my time be taken up by people who claim to need my support.  I have let some personal relationships suffer while I tended to others.  I have been depended on by some who would never be there for me in the same way.  With my students, there is a genuine appreciation for this.  I know what that appreciation feels like.  I also know when it is absent.

I tell my students that having a large group of so-so friends is not as important as having a few true friends.  But what do I say to the kids who says they have not found any true friends?  Do I suggest they just go with the insincere acquaintances and build a thick skin?  Should they just suck it up when they realize that a friend will never be there for them with support?  Do they just keep quiet when they realize they will always be interrupted because their words and opinions are not of interest?  Do they just float casual invitations hoping someone will come over to share time for fear of being a nag?   I don't really know what to tell them anymore.  I don't have an answer because I have lost a great deal of time, sleep, hair, and happiness trying to be a good friend without true, meaningful reciprocation.  I just have to let them figure it out.  They will probably be more successful than I have been.  And I need to remember to give of myself only to those who truly need and deserve my time and emotions.  The students do.