Friendship

I might be a teacher but I am still learning.  One lesson?  Friendship is hard to find.  My students worry so much about their current friends.  My thoughts?  Pssh.  Once that person starts to take advantage of you or disrespect you, pay close attention.  If you feel bad about yourself, that is a sign.    You don't have to end the friendship, but it would be wise to alter your view of it so you are not hurt.

The hurt comes quite often.  More so than I would like to admit to them.  When I was younger, it was hard for me to maintain friends.  We moved a bit and I was moved out of schools.  My sister recently acknowledged to someone how hard it must have been on me.  It was.  Now, the problems seems to be one of another sort and I have not quite figured it out.  I give a great deal of myself to my friends and acquaintances.  I give my time, advice, encouragement, support, assistance.  I do not believe friendship is proven by dollar store tchotchkes or pricey gifts.  If I give material things, it is because I believe it is something with meaning, or it might be plants or stuff from my garden, or something I have crafted.  Those things I give that cost no money cost a great deal emotionally.

I do not open my home to people.  I don't like to entertain.  I like the idea of it, but I don't like to do it.  If I invite a person over, that is a big deal.  I love having people over to see my garden in bloom.  If I seem in a rush to get a person over, it is because I want to share my garden with you.  If I think you might like a certain flower (one friend loves hibiscus; another, lilies), I might seem over zealous in trying to get you over.  I am not trying to drive you crazy.  I just want to see you enjoy my place.

Sometimes we are friends with different groups of people.  Sometimes, there is animosity between individuals in those distinct groups.  I have never expected a friend to treat a person poorly if said individual wronged me.  Dictating who you should or should not like, is not what a friend does.  However, I have been expected to do this.  If a person has not hurt me, why am I expected to cut ties?  Yet if a person has hurt me in some way but is a good drinking buddy, has "cool" taste, knows the right people, well, I just have to understand your desire to keep those ties.  "There are two sides to every story, you know. "

I make sure I am there for any person who needs to talk. Some people I have known over the years have had pretty traumatic stuff happen to them.  Regardless of what I am in the middle of doing, if there is an indication that a friend needs to talk, I drop things to be there.  I will actively listen and try not to interrupt.  If advice is sought, I give it.  If you just want someone to listen, I will just listen.  I will also make sure to ask you how you are doing.  You will not open up to me and ever get the feeling I have forgotten what you told me.  I think about your sadness and pain, and I check in on you to make sure you are doing well.  When I ask how you are doing, I mean to know if you are doing well or not.  Opening up to someone about some things is very hard.  It takes a great deal to tell anyone certain things about oneself or one's history.  Having someone actually care about your well-being is critical to healing.  Having someone appear to forget you are struggling with something derails the effort to heal - particularly if you have been the go-to person for other people's healing.

As a teacher, it is hard to be selfish.  You have to be there for your students at all times.  I like to think I take care of my own needs in my private life, but that is just not the case.  I have stopped everything to be there for people at the drop of a hat.  Yet when the moment comes that I do not do someone's bidding, I have been made to feel that I am cold, unfeeling, or selfish.  No.  I am not selfish.  I am practicing self preservation.  And there is a distinct difference between the two.  I have let my time be taken up by people who claim to need my support.  I have let some personal relationships suffer while I tended to others.  I have been depended on by some who would never be there for me in the same way.  With my students, there is a genuine appreciation for this.  I know what that appreciation feels like.  I also know when it is absent.

I tell my students that having a large group of so-so friends is not as important as having a few true friends.  But what do I say to the kids who says they have not found any true friends?  Do I suggest they just go with the insincere acquaintances and build a thick skin?  Should they just suck it up when they realize that a friend will never be there for them with support?  Do they just keep quiet when they realize they will always be interrupted because their words and opinions are not of interest?  Do they just float casual invitations hoping someone will come over to share time for fear of being a nag?   I don't really know what to tell them anymore.  I don't have an answer because I have lost a great deal of time, sleep, hair, and happiness trying to be a good friend without true, meaningful reciprocation.  I just have to let them figure it out.  They will probably be more successful than I have been.  And I need to remember to give of myself only to those who truly need and deserve my time and emotions.  The students do.

Priorities

So the last week before school starts was to be a week in which I try to salvage the summer for myself.  Instead, the stress increased.  I suffered a schedule change.  I lost my period 1 to teach period 8.   Not a big deal because I have been teaching period 8 for a few years now.  Yes, it is a horrendous bunch most of the time.  They seem to find the most challenging kids and - knowing that I work well with the tough kids - throw them all in the same period.  I looked at the roster and it looked to be the same thing this year.  OK, fine, I am used to that.  However, last year, an administrator made it know he was watching my room on the security cameras, watching who I was giving passes to, and what they were doing when they walked out of my room.  He even let me know I should be controlling what they do when the leave the room - in front of a group of other admins.  I responded that if he would grant me the favour of a certified aide, then I could escort said student and then be able to control what the does and where he goes.  Until then, I can't control what the kids does when out of my sight and out of my room.  So, essentially, when looking at this roster, I knew I would be a target of this admin again. But that is OK.  I could handle that.  I am a tough b*tch.

Then I realized what class I lost.  There were at least seven students in my first period who I lobbied hard to take this class - with me.  And that is the key here.  So I fought to keep that period 1.  I did not request my admins change my schedule back to my duty period 8 and teaching period 1.  That would be seen as being picky and rejecting the challenging kids.  I do not reject students.  I take them in with open arms.  I have colleagues who do reject students.  I do not.  I asked if I could have period 1 and give up period 2.

You see, I have a lot at stake with this program.  I was given the Photography program in 2006.  It was a dead program, apparently couldn't fill one period.  Once I got the program, enrollment went up to three periods, then five periods the following year, then two levels of the course and a full day of eight periods (necessitating another teacher) and three levels of photo.  I never toot my own horn - self esteem issues - but I will here.  I did that.  No one else.  And I maintain the interest in the course.   When you teach an elective, you need to work hard to keep your numbers up.  You must make your class entertaining, informative, challenging, and beneficial to the whole student.  There are many things to do, keep up with, and I must constantly evolve.  I see what happens to electives taught by teachers who coast - the program dies.  On top of all this, I lobby hard for my class all year.  Kids want to take my class because of who I am as a teacher, what they will learn, the measure of success they will achieve in a challenging class.

That period 1 roster has at least seven kids I lobbied for this class.  There are specific personalities and situations that I know will benefit from having me.  Now that was taken away from me, and them.  So what did I do?  I fought it.  Politely.  Respectfully.   Patiently.

However, the students' needs are not what mattered.  What mattered was that a coach wanted a free last period to get going to coaching duties right away.  I have a problem with that.  We are contracted to teach and be available for a student-help time until 3.05. I don't see us ever sticking to that for many reasons.  But teaching duties should be the main priority at least until 2.32.  I am already there for tons of students who are not mine.  I get there by 6.15 am and leave no earlier than 3.05 pm.  Practically the whole school knows they can come to my computer lab since the library is rarely open.  And students know they can catch up on darkroom work or computer based projects at any time.  Including those students who are not mine.  So this unspoken policy of letting coaches have period 8 free to skedaddle on out to the field or the coaching office in a jiffy does not fly with me.  They are paid a generous stipend for that extra time put into the job - time that should begin at 2.32, not before.  And they should be required to be available for that extra help session from 2.32-3.05 when needed.  I am paid nothing extra for the extra hours I put in being there for other peoples' students.  And this includes kids from all subjects.  Now, the teachers whose kids rely on my extra hours will say they don't expect this of me.  However, last year, when I made myself less available for those teachers' kids as an experiment, that became a major logistical issue.  Those teachers did not - would not? - have the time for those kids to make up work or come for extra needed help.  Well, well.  Looks like they do rely on my extra unpaid time.

But did the needs of the students come into play?  Did my being taken advantage come into play?  No.  My schedule has been restored by some quirk of the contract.  A teacher cannot teach four periods in a row.  And that is the sole reason my schedule was restored.  Is this fair?  Not to me.  But my students in period 1 will benefit greatly.  Will this battle come up again next year when creating the schedules?  I bet it will.  But for now, I can relax knowing that our contract saved me and those seven special cases in period 1.  And my bladder is thankful that I will not have to go four period without peeing.  Luckily, the admins involved listened to my reasons and there was mutual respect.  I cannot say the same for my colleagues who take advantage of my generosity of time.

Exposed

Sharing one's art is hard and very personal.  I rarely direct any friend or acquaintance to my site to look at my art.  I direct my students there all the time.  Some thoughts on this:

With 21 teenagers in a room together, that is a great deal of emotion.  We all have issues with mastery of the processes and machines.  Add to that the fact that I am expecting some sort of personal communication in one's creation, and you can have one hell of a hot mess.  I have had students say "you just say you like everyone's photos."  No, I do not.  Not at all.  There are few things worse than complimenting bad art to help the artist continue to make crap.  I point out what is good, and carefully point out what needs to be improved.  We do the occasional critiques.  It is amazing how a group of kids who at times seem like they cannot shut up, all of a sudden clam up.  But I do get it. It is hard to make art.  It is hard to show it to someone.  It is even harder to show it to a room full of people (strangers, friends, whatnot) and talk about it.  This is one of the reasons I make sure to show my work to my kids.  I want them to know I am a practicing artist and I want them to be comfortable with showing me their stuff because I have shown them mine.

Which brings me to showing friends my work.  I do exhibit my work and do not mind strangers looking at my art.  I will even hover near them to hear what they say about it.  But show it to friends?  Oh, hell no.  If I offer to show you my work, I am exposing something very private.  I have even reduced the number of friends I allow to see my work.  (This is because out of all the shows I have been in, only one friend ever came to see my art.)  Sure, I post pics of the stuff online, but no one looks at that.  It feel like the difference between throwing pics of my stuff into an empty road versus walking up to people and handing them my pics and asking for feedback.  So when I have offered to show my work to people (in person on online) and I get no response, well, it sucks.  And a non-creative person cannot possibly understand that.

Hubby is a music type person.  He is not in a band anymore but still writes and plays.  It took him a long time to send his lyrics to me and a friend.  I made sure to read them and compliment him on them.  I understood that risk.  Even if the lyrics were not my cup of tea, I would still give positive feedback.  I would not lie and say I loved the work if I did not, but I would say something positive.  I have friends who are artists.  I support them in every way possible.  Granted, their work might not be my style, but that is besides the point.  I have gone to see friends perform even though I do not like their style of music.

That is all besides the point.  If a creative type has shared her/his art with you, be kind enough to respond.  Give feedback of some sort.  You do not have to use the words "I like it" but say something.  The silence is harsh.  I have been thinking a lot lately about how to translate my experiences to lessons in the classroom.  This is one of them.  I have asked friends to look at my art and received no feedback.  So how does this translate to the classroom?  Critiques.  Everyone staring at someone's work and saying..... NOTHING.  I can't have this happen anymore.  I have to figure out a way to get everyone to show their work comfortably and respond to classmate's work comfortably.  How to do that?  Not a clue yet, but I have a couple of weeks to figure this one out.

So no one has helped me answer yesterday's questions.  Hmmm....  Is that because my questions are causing some serious introspection?  No.  I doubt that.  I think it just pissed people off.  And that is ok with me.

So I posted a new lesson idea and the response was light, but positive.  I am going to have Photo II and AP do a lesson on creating titles for their art.  This brainstorm came to me while trying to figure out titles for my work.  I have been doing more submissions lately (yes, and being rejected, but that's not the point) and I need titles.  It is really hard to do this.  I usually use a couple of old British poetry books from my grandparents' house.

 Once I got past the initial struggle...  I hit pay dirt.  I found a chapter of Thomas Hardy poems.  Now, normally I am not a fan op poetry.  I like individual lines and such, but not the whole work.  But this stuff?  Some was hilarious, some downright creepy.  Just my style.

And so the pictures will have titles and hopefully I will have places to exhibit.  I have one place to try for that I have a good shot at.  the woman who runs the shows had asked me to submit again after the first one...  Keeping my fingers crossed...

Things that confuse me:

• It is OK to be otherwise occupied when talking to someone via digital means (texting, fb message, etc.) but it is not OK to do the same when speaking on the phone.
• Some people's emotional damage and the resulting social difficulties are permissible while those of others is not.  What is the barometer?  Who decided what can and cannot be tolerated and by whom?
• When did the state law change from "Keep Right, Pass Left" to "cruise that middle lane and cut over to the exit at the last minute"?
• It is OK for white middle class folk to use social safety nets but not OK for anyone who really needs it if their skin is a wee bit too dark and come from poverty.
• We can enjoy the food of other cultures but to go into the neighbourhoods populated by people of that culture, we hit the power lock and power window that stuff shut.
• Why can police use hand held cell devices and not get in trouble?  I mean, I don't even have a cell phone that allows texting, so I am not guilty of this, but......
• How can a person get to be a Teacher of the Year if one does nothing but kiss ass, only do extra things for the kids if there is a stipend, use a cell phone in front of students all the time?
• Why do people who benefit from union struggles and union membership hate unions?
• Why is the lazy, alcoholic, wife-beating man next door to me still in ownership of his house despite multiple pre-forclosures but many others have their homes taken away?
• Why do people move to the suburbs then complain about the deer, skunks, raccoon, and bears?

Just some random thoughts.....  Feel free to help answer these things for me.

Me? Pssshhhh.....

Went out again last night.  The club I have been going to for the past year had a 24th birthday party.  I was not going to go at all.  I figured I am a new face there and there would be tons of people who I do not know and it would be packed.  I would just be in the way.  But I went and I am so happy that I did.  It did wonders for my mood.

I started to see some faces from the other two clubs I went to.  But they were not people I knew or was friends with.  It did make me feel warm and gushy inside, that little bit of familiarity.  When the downstairs opened up, I skedaddled on down to the room I like.  The DJs were playing such great music and I rarely sat.  Then I get a tap on the shoulder.  A guy asks me if I have a sister and if I went to club A back in the day. (This place burned down years ago.)  I did indeed.  He asked my name.  He said "We knew it was you!"  This group of people recognized my goofy dancing and had to know if it was me (or sis).  All of us got to talking.  They all had nicknames for the regulars, and - holy crap - their nicknames were the same as the ones my sister and I had for the same people.  I dared to ask if they had ones for sis and me.  The response:  if we did we're not telling!  But here's the thing that is sticking with me...  They said they always noticed us because we came out, danced, kept to ourselves, made no fuss, and went home.  Sis and I are seen as stand-offish and anti-social.  We are painfully shy (life has forced that to change a bit) and don't make friends easily.  But some people noticed us in a cool way.  This made me feel real good at a time I need to feel good.

Here's why....

There have always been people who want to be the center of the crowd.  Meeting and being friends with the cool people is like marking notches in a belt.  They believe they grace a place with their presence upon arrival and do not believe in paying to get in.  These are the types always looking for a freebie, always looking for someone to do something for them....  That's not me.  I prefer to stay on the sidelines.  I have never been and will never bee a part of "the crowd".  I see people create drama and call attention to themselves.  If you are not having a good time, why are you out?  I don't like to create a spectacle at all.  There are people who create it and want it fed.  It made me so happy to know that in all these years, I was not seen as that type.   One of the regular DJs had mentioned upon being introduced months back that he recognized me from club B (my haunt after club A burnt).  Memorable enough to remember, but anonymous enough to not leave a bad taste in someone's mouth.  Just how I like it.

I have been incredibly stressed lately.  I have not been looking out for myself and it is showing.  My summers are usually a healing time.  They haven't been.  I am breaking out (What teacher breaks out in the summer? Testing season is the time for that!).  I get hives and blisters when stressed.  I am now on my fourth week and second developing set of those friends.  I do not sleep through the night.  I have a great deal of compassion for the struggles my students have due to their life situations and give a great deal of myself to them.  They are at an age where they do not fully know how to handle life and many of them have been dealt a horrible hand.  I need to make sure I am fully there for them come September. I need to get myself back in order to do that to the best of my ability.  Talking to those people gave me more confidence to do that.

Sign? Pssh....

Some things to take notice of:

1. Yesterday, I found a carpenter bee in the pool.  I am deathly allergic to some types of stinging things, but I am fairly confident that bees aren't the ones that will kill me.  So, being the nature lover I am, I gently pick the tyke up by the wings to save a life.  That rat bastard swings his ass around to sting my left forefinger.  I promptly dropped the little sh*t in the water.  
2. I talked badly about someone I kind of know. Yes, he has been uppity and condescending to me at times, but compared to things people have done to me over my life, that's hardly worth a mention. 
3. A beautiful new butterfly made a visit to the flowers.  This was a beautiful fritillary.
4. I saw the garden snake again.  He is getting bigger.
5. I was not quick enough with my camera to capture the previous two.  However, I decided that being able to gaze and appreciate with the naked eye rather than behind a viewfinder is better sometimes.

Regarding number 2, I am not the type that likes to gossip or bad mouth a person who has done nothing outright rude to me on a repeated basis.  I can talk about a person's faults without malice meant.  And we all have faults.  There are people who have been exceedingly rude or two faced to me.  Well, you get what you deserve when it comes to what comes out of my mouth.  However, regarding this instance, I nearly immediately regretted it.  I must make a mental note to not get sucked into that again.  I will be a sounding board, but I need to not do this again.  The guilts got to me.  And the way events rolled out at week's end, well, if you believe in karma, it got me.  And how.

Regarding number 1 - the biggest one - I tried to do something nice for what I thought was a helpless being and it came back to bite me.  As I lay awake at 3.45am I realized this was a metaphor for my life.  I have lost a great deal of time taking care of others.  When those "others" are my students, I expect nothing in return but thanks/gratitude and maybe cooperation.  They are teenager.  Their brains are still developing and their ability to mentally work through a situation is not the same as an adults.  When it is a friend or family member, I expect a little more because they are adults.  Not much, but nothing I would not give back if the situation were reversed.  I don't want tchotchkes, cards, gifts, insincere thanks if there is not an equal level of respect and caring.  It seems so American to think that items are a sign of friendship/family love.  My European relatives show their love and friendship with how they treat each other, not what they buy each other.  The items that mean things to me are related to deceased, beloved family and friends.  Nothing anyone gives me at this point in my life can do that.  How a person treats me - the very little, subtle things - are what mean more. 

Unfortunately, I do not believe there are many people who put a value on how they are treated, listened to, cared for by friends or family.  Sure, they might say or write it.  But those are just words and are - when push comes to shove - not backed up by reciprocal action.  It is as if society is so self absorbed that it cannot see that it takes and takes without giving the same in return.  Is it getting worse?  I don't know.  Is it because we are bombarded by all these feel good "take care of yourself, you are the victim" mantras?   I notice the people who are relentless in pushing those things are the ones who are so sly in their selfish behaviour.  It hides under a cloak of "self care".  

Now, the moment I look to take care of myself, do something for me, instead of being at everyone's beck and call, I get the message I have disappointed.  Yet, when this happens with students, do you know what they say?  They acknowledge that we teachers give of ourselves way too much and they cheer us on.  They know we deserve to put ourselves first once in a blue moon.  I always tell my students that we high school teachers do not look for gifts for holidays or at the end of the year.  What means more to us is the knowledge that they are thankful, appreciative, respectful, and will take our words and lessons and make the world a wee bit better because of their time with us.  

They get it.  Why can't an adult?  And people wonder why I am excited to get back to the school year and be with my kids.

The bee always comes back to bite me in the ass.  When will I learn?

Work Ethic

Yes, a very boring topic but one I need to get off my chest.

The school year begins again in a couple of weeks.  Lots of people think teachers are lazy bums if we relax over the summer.  Well, come take a gander at the kickass work ethic going on ten months out of the year and you will understand the need for two months of vegetating.  Now, I do not expect everyone to have the same work ethic as I do, but I want people to come close.  I do not expect anything of my students and coworkers that I don't expect of myself.  So....

Cell phones at work?  Hubby and I have been discussing this a lot lately.  He is a supervisor.  He struggles with this daily.  You might say that my attitude towards this issue stems from the fact that I do not have a smart phone, therefore I cannot check my texts, e-mail, or facebook every ten minutes.  Not exactly.  I have a work ipad.  I can check most of those things.  I choose not to.  Why?  I work in a field in which my attention must go to 21 individuals at all times during my 45 minute class period, during my lunch when providing extra help, during my prep when - duh - prepping for classes, and after and before school when with students and colleagues.

I do squeeze in time to check personal e-mail during prep - maybe - and lunch - maybe - but only to see if hubby contacted me.  I don't bother looking at the e-mails otherwise.  We have a rule at our school.  Students are not permitted to use their cell phones.  At all.  If seen, the item must be confiscated and turned in to the disciplinarian.  However, many teachers use their devices in front of students.  We are not supposed to.  In one of those rare instances in which I cheered the guy, the disciplinarian told faculty that if the rule exists for the students, it is also existing for us.  We must lead by example.  I do.  It really isn't that hard.  In my mind, it is about respect.

And that word is what keeps coming up when hubby and I discuss this.  Respect.  Why do you think it is ok to keep checking your phone when with another person, working, socializing, whatever?  If you are teaching and you keep checking your phone, how does that look?  If I am the student, I might think my teacher can't wait to get the hell out of work and away from us.  I might think you just have little interest in what you want us to care so much about: your subject.

If you have a job that has down time, good for you.  I get that you can check your device during the work day.  But there is a time and a place, right?  If you work in a store, I do not want to go into a place of business and see the employees on fb or playing cell phone games.  I spent many years in retail.  I would never have had the nerve to bring a book to work to read in the shop.  Why is it ok to sneak a cell phone check?  When I worked at a sports organization, one of the college interns had a cell phone (one of the big ones).  She used to make cell phone calls in the photo library at all times of the work day.  We all were appalled.  Our thinking was that socializing is done outside the work day, not during.  Sadly, I think this is seen as normal now.  In my mind, if you are socializing while at work, something else is being given short shrift.  Fine if your job does not involve others relying on you.  If that is not the case, damn, why are you still employed?

OK, so you might have been off work for a time - hello, teachers - but I do quite a bit to get myself back into work mode.  (like getting my bladder used to not peeing whenever I want)  So, howzabout you get used to not being hyper connected while at work?  If you work with others who rely on your undivided attention, that moment you look away to check your device could be the moment something horrible happens.  I find it so disturbing that quite a few recent teachers of the year at PV are voracious cell phone users.  Kids have mentioned it to me in disgust.  I groan when I see it.  We both feel like the individuals are flouting their positions of authority by ignoring the rules and showing their disrespect by not giving undivided attention.  My own friends do this and it disgusts me.

Unfortunately, I know that hubby and I will lose this argument.  Time to shop for that desert island.

So I have a new project to do for a colleague.  I am helping her make a campaign sign for a position she is running for.  This is the kind of think I like to do for people and for a person I do not mind doing something for.  She will be very grateful.  I know she will help me out if I need something.  Heck, she has even apologized for hurting my feelings last year.  That's a rarity these days at PV.   And she will not take up all my time and I will not take up all her time.  I can report in to her as needed, get feedback, and tweak things.  

At work, I tend to be a go-to person for projects.  Anything photo related?  Go to Melanie.  I don't mind as long as it is a person who is genuinely nice to me and appreciative.  However, there are those people who do take advantage of me.  Yet I do not say no.  Kind of like my dad.  He is the go to guy for anything and everything computer related in the circle of family and friends.  He never says no.  People will f*** up things so badly and expect him to work his magic so that they can go back and visit dubious sites with zero virus protection and then expect him to fix it again.  Too cheap to pay for the protection but they are buying drinks at the bar every weekend (yes, I am thinking of a few relatives and acquaintances right now.)  Sigh.  At least I am getting this project before the school year starts.  That was her plan.  Definitely a courteous colleague.

Now onto the problem of not-so-courteous colleagues...

We are encouraged to do collaborative lessons. I have done them before it was even a "thing" so I have no issue with it.  However, I believe my definition of collaborative might be slightly different from the testosterone set's definition.  I like to meet a few times, share resources, discuss the visuals, materials, ideas to be presented in the lesson.  That is what I am used to.  I did a collaborative lesson last year.  I was so psyched for it.  It sucked, in plain English.  I worked on so much research, put together a power point presentation, and received no response until after 9,00 pm the night prior to the lesson.  Then the lesson came.  It was a sh*t show.  I know my supervisor liked it.  But I know my kids did not, and neither did I.  We were both wondering where the collaboration was.  It was really just a platform for the other teacher to put another notch in his evaluation belt.  My students were practically ignored.  I had to interrupt multiple times to get the photo aspects of the lesson in.  And to be honest, I do not think either class got much from the other subject.   

This was the epitome of surface performance.  I do not go for that in education.  If I am going to do something out of the ordinary, it must have pedagogical meaning.  I am not putting on a performance.  I am shifting from my norm to enhance the learning experience.  I even sought this person out to have a post lesson discussion - talk about what went well, what did not, what we can do differently.  I got a quick "yeah, yeah" and heard nothing.  Now on to the issue.  How do I handle it if he wants to do it again this year?  I cannot give up a period of my students' precious studio time for this again.  It served absolutely no benefit to me or them.  But I am not in a position to say "no" where I work.  At least that is how I feel.  I only say no if I do not have the materials/resources.  So how do I do it?  Needless to say, I am not exactly the social butterfly, swigging it up at the bar during happy hour with the other teachers after work.  I do not fit in.  I am an outsider.  Add to that the fact that I ruffle feathers because I am outspoken.  I do not kiss ass and have a few people who do not like me for that reason.  I am not miss nice nice, sweet as pie, lovey dovey.  I am there for the kids, I have a job to do, and I do it well.  I am not there to win brownie points.  That does not make me popular.  

Now, someone might say this is anxiety over nothing.   However, as I have unfortunately learned lately, when I pull back, try to say no, try to be honest, it is never taken well.  I want to put myself and my students first, but I know it can be turned into something more.  There is more to this that I cannot write, but suffice to say, I am in a bind.  And school has not even started yet.....

Some people do drugs to get high.  Music, dancing, smelling books, huffing my cat, and making art give me a high.  I had an idea last night and had the time to shoot it today.  I have all these bones I dig up, clean, and preserve.  I hesitate to use them in a permanent project.  I have done that with some, but I don't want to with all.  So I thought, why not use them in images?  So here is the work in progress.

So I am back to making art and submissions.  This summer is for me and I feel a bit better.  I have been drawing on photos again lately.  I print them poorly - no cleaning of the negatives, bad value range - tone them, stain them, brush them with thinned pigment.  Then, I use a stipple or squiggle motif to draw on them.  I have also been drawing lines too.  When I draw with a pen, my hand shakes and I like the line I get from that.  I made two or three submissions so far this summer.  All rejected,  But that is ok.  It is the process that matters to me.  The rejections let me know I need to get a move on and work more and harder.

So I also watched an old Nova episode on a special Viking sword, the Ulfberht.  It really got me back to thinking of starting a metals studio in the basement.  I have the tree stump for raising bowls.  It is dried out and I started making two depressions.  I need to go into the city to get a couple of nylon hammers.  I have talked to a few people about the torch situation, and they are real positive and encouraging.  Just watching this blacksmith stoking the forge, hammering the steel....  sigh.  I mean, I suck at blacksmithing, but I am ok with metals like copper, silver, and brass.  Millie and hubby will not like the noise, but at least I am not looking to get a drum set.  

I also have to get back into the teaching mindset.  Last year was so brutal - physically and emotionally.  I wonder how any of us will fare this year.  The students did not do well with all the disruption and testing.  The teachers did not do well either and we ended up not doing very well hiding it.  I have to remember to keep my emotions in check so I can concentrate on making the kids relax.  But that means I am lying to myself and it all comes crashing down when I am not with the kids.  I found myself sitting at my desk with my head in my hands on more than one occasion.  I am not like that.  I never wallow in my misery on the job.  I get right down to business.  Hubby jokes that I don't know how to slow down or lose focus.  Not last year.  I must control my emotions this year.  I hear through the grapevine that this year, the sh*t might hit the fan, so I need to keep it together for the classes.

The only one....

Yes.  only one of six AP students has reported to me all summer.  I guess I should be delighted that anyone is even remembering to report, but oh well.

So I had some bones from the beach soaking in a bowl.  I had to soak them to get the sun baked sand out of them.  Well, an animal turned it over and the spine on the fish skeleton is broken.  Ugh.  More gluing and repairing.

So with August comes a frenzy in my head.  Although I use June to prepare and plan for the following school year, I always get excited in August and start finding way cool things to add.  I get real frenetic with looking stuff up, making mental notes, and imagining the projects I can get the kids to make.

However, with all the state testing and the loss of six weeks instructional time, the odds of these things fitting in are slim to none.

Offloading

I use this mainly for my ideas and how they relate to teaching, how I bring who I am and what I believe into the classroom.  Sometimes I vent about life things....  Today I need to write about things I won't or can't say.

I rarely have a good night's sleep for various reasons.   Lately - well, the last several months - it involves my waking up with my left hand numb.  I know what this means:  oncoming carpal tunnel  I had it in my right hand, had the surgery over a summer vacation and all is fine.  Big deal, right?  Wrong.  I am left-handed and work with my hands.  If I thought right hand problems were upsetting, you can guess how bad this is.  The cramping has not come yet and I am doing exercises to alleviate the issue, but the numbness is getting worse.  My hand goes numb on long drives, bike rides, and while working on the computer.  I don't dare try felting.  And I was going to try setting mu a metalsmithing area in the basement, but that will not happen.  If I can't use a mouse how the hell am I going to wield a mallet?  I do not dare talk about how devastating this is to anyone because non-art people do not care or comprehend.

Another love of mine, gardening.  Carpal tunnel will put a damper on that.  I was also thinking of getting a certain instrument again since I rid the house of the last space hog.  I need both hands for that.  Why bother spending the money?  And to top it off, I have acquired a massive amount of blisters this week as a result of contact with goldenrod.  I do not get poison ivy but have contact allergies to a host of other plants - decorative gourd vines and other squashes, ghetto palms, you get the idea.  I am in pain and my arms, neck, and face are on fire.  I look a right mess most of the time, and this makes me look even worse.  The blisters are itching and burning and I want to pop them so badly.  I can only get relief from soaking in the pool.  Left side of the face submerged, arms fully submerged.  I look dead.  But I feel good.

Another reason to feel good:  I looked online and found the rosters for next year's classes.  I am enjoying my summer a great deal.  This summer seems to be just for me, alone time.  I see friends and acquaintances, but not too much.   I tend to neglect what I need in order to make others happy.  It does not do me any good, but the moment I look out for myself, I am made to feel guilty.  I am excited for the coming time with the kids though.  Yes, high schoolers can be moody and mean.  However, I do not take their cruelty to heart.  When a student snaps at me, I look at where it is coming from, and I never see it as personal.  There is always an underlying, unrelated reason for the behaviour.  I am rarely hurt by it.  But the main reason I don't take it poorly is because it is usually followed by an apology.  And the students are so genuinely thankful for all I do for them and all the time I spend with them.  That means a great deal to me.  And if I have snapped at a student, I apologize.  Adults rarely - if ever - do that.  At least not with me.  I find myself doing the British thing - "so sorry" - far too often.  Yet when I am hurt or snapped at I do not hear those words.

And so, when the school year starts, and I start to drop off the face of the earth, it will be because I am giving myself to people who make me feel good about myself - my students.  And what a bunch I will have.  One particular period looks to be a hoot.  This one kid seemed to despise me when I had lunch duty his freshman year.  Then last year he keeps trying to get in my class but all periods were full.  Well, he made it in so far.  And the rest of that period?  A host of fabulous characters.  The two kids who made anti-Vasa backgrounds for their computers?   Together again in Photo II.  So I will mourn the loss of garden and Millie time come September 1, but a different kind of happiness will fill my days and nights.

Sigh....  If only I could feel this wanted with my friends.

Transparency

So I looked at my class rosters.  I am excited for the new year and even more excited to see some really cool, funny, whip smart kids have made it into my classes.  I like the fact that lots of kids want to get me for Photo.  Kids I don't even know say hi to me in the halls, come to see me in my room, and generally feel comfortable with me.  I joke that I have a heart of ice, but the fact of the matter is that I do care about people and things.  I am just not forward with those feelings.  I can't be.  I find it all so fake.  With me, what you see is what you get.  

I am constantly giving feedback to the kids.  Lots of times, they will say I am just saying something to be nice. Well, no.  I tell them that if I didn't mean it, I wouldn't say it.  I would give some constructive criticism.  

Which leads me to false positivity and behaviours.  Are the kids used to people being fake, insincere, less than truthful?  Are they used to people pretending to be nice when they are really nasty?  Well, yes.  I have a hunch they are surrounded by the same people I am.  And my kids are sick of their BS detectors red-lining, just like I am.  So I read an article recently about this cult of positivity.  So many people post all these nice-nice positive quotes, motivational clap trap.  The message is always the same:  you can/should lift yourself out of this misery you put yourself in; you can change your life on your own; your negative thinking is what is holding you back; there is always a silver lining.  The message implies that all who are struggling are doing so out of their own doing and should fix that.  "I was 500 pounds and now I am 150 and you can do it too!"  "I love everyone and my life is great because of that and you should too!"  "I was at rock bottom and lifted myself up out of my hole and you should too!"  It's that easy.

Well, no.  Let's list some of the things that you, I, or my kids might be dealing with:  mental health diagnoses, physical ailments, deceased parent(s), poverty, joblessness, homelessness.  Add to this a political climate in which social assistance is seen as a crutch that is systematically being whittled down to nothing, fingers pointed at those who can't escape.  Yes, some portions of our population are born into situations that cannot be remedied by a few pithy positive statements.  So please, save your mantra for another audience.  

You lost a ton of weight?  Nice.  You obviously did not have to worry about the fact that the cheapest food is also the most unhealthy.  You had a horrible break up and got yourself back on your feet?  Nice that you had mommy and daddy to go to in the meantime.  Homelessness really was never an issue for you.  Bummed about your life situation?  Nice that you had the luxury to take time off to get yourself back together instead of having to work multiple jobs just to keep a roof over your head and food on the table.

The article goes on to point out something very interesting about all these positive mother earth lovey dovey proclamations:  As long as the message is that you can/should do it yourself, failure to do so is all your fault.  And there is not a thing you can do about that other than fix what must be wrong with you.  It is all your fault.  Again... Well, no.  A failure to see the parts of the system that fail the individual leads to a lack of effort to change the system. Shoving your messages of positivity without acknowledging the privilege that enabled your success makes those without that privilege feel like failures.  It does not help them one bit.  You know what?  How about you donate some healthy food to one of the many lacking food pantries instead of doing some stupid scam "run for charity"?  Donate time, supplies, or money to an organization that provides shelter for the homeless.  Spend time with some troubled kids to make them feel worthwhile.

While some people put on the nice-nice face, guilt you into giving them money for their scam charity thingy, post inane quotes from this or that guru, and drip all this false sweetness, I know that is usually a facade.  I might be harsh, a little cold, and full of anger.  But my kids know this:  I know the deal, I know that some people do not have it easy and no amount of rosiness will help a bit.  They do not need sunshine-y words and fake smiles.  They need honesty, real help, maybe someone who will listen without judging, a little healthy snack in the morning.  You get the idea.  I will take transparency and a heart of ice over false smiles any day. So will my kids....