Today is a special day.  Kodak Ektachrome is now up for sale.  After over 5 years of being off the market, there is now Ektachrome available to shoot.  I am ecstatic.  I have read a bit on the development of the film up in Rochester and saw some test images.  It is all so exciting.

So what the hell is the big deal about film?  That is like asking me why I prefer vinyl records to cd's - I do not do MP3's, people.  There is a rawness to the medium.  It is also more deliberate.  You must be fully engaged in what you are doing.  It is like the difference between hanging out with a person who looks you in the eye and talks and listens to you versus hanging out with a person checking their cell phone every few minutes.  I can honestly say I am obsessed with analog because there is a different, more pure inherent quality to the media - photographic, musical, you name it.  I do shoot digital and lots of it, but the images just do not reflect my inner thoughts and emotions they way analog does.  I have not a clue as to how that happens, but it does.

The part I like about teaching is watching the kids go from not knowing a thing about analog to being obsessed with it.  I see it in a kid in my first period.  He talked about how great it FELT to shoot with the film camera.  Listening to a girl's A-1 shutter whoosh open and shut and the thrill we got from that cannot be duplicated digitally.  The kids are getting.it.

The administration?  Not so much.  Technology, technology, technology.  But what about those chemists and photographers who are working to bring back the analog methods and media?  Where is the career path for them?  Who will introduce them to this when you get rid of my darkroom and push me out?

I am excited about the return of film and know that if they do push me out here, I will find a path to preach the gospel of analog, one way or another.

We had a disturbing meeting last week.  There is a consultant who - according to him - has so much power that the superintendent does whatever he says.  I know this man from another district.  The residents and parents could not wait until they got rid of him when he was the principal.  He was practically run out of town.  But he is calling the shots here at my job.

The rumours:

• he sees no need for the arts.
• the Art Department is going to be disposed of

After the meeting last week, I believe the rumours.  He claims his art department in his school was second to none.  I had friends who went to his school.  I subbed there.  It was good, but it was minimal.  In the 1990s, they had only two teachers for a student population of 800.  They now have only one.  They have only four classes to offer the students.  My high school had only 2/3 the student population but had twice the art offerings.

PCTI is sucking us dry.  Kids go there, we lose money to the school, they transfer back here and we do not get than money coming back with the kid for two years.  Because of that loss of money, programs need to be trimmed - people or subjects.  

Here is a wild proposal:  There are teachers in the Math department who are not teaching a full schedule but getting full time pay.  RIF one of them.  They RIF'd an art teacher last year and we have full classes and no drop in the number of kids wanting to take our classes.

What we have is a group of people pushing kids away from our classes and into the CAD and Criminal Justice classes.  Guess what?  If you push everyone into two or three careers, the market will be flooded with candidates and no one will get jobs.  It happened in the field of law.  Forbes wrote about the overloaded market some hears ago.  Instead, provide the students with options that have proven to be winners in this school - namely the arts - and watch the kids flourish.  But no.  Everyone is going to be a cop or an engineer.  Good luck with that.

So we have been warned that we are on the chopping block. Oh, the phrases were "Things have to change", "The money is not there" and so on.  However, when you have been in other jobs and districts, you know how to translate those misleading phrases.  Here is a novel idea in addition to the one I propose above:  Get rid of some sports or instate dues for the athletes.  One school I looked at forces their students to pay a lab fee for their photo classes.  I do not think we can do that in the classroom.  But where is the harm in charging a fee for an extracurricular?

So it has been a depressing week.  I am in a financial situation that I am not worried about my job.  I can sub in my towns near me and be ok.  I have no debt and no kids.  However, I will not give up on this place and this program and jump ship to another district.  I had someone mention they would like me in their school.  I am waiting this out.  I love the kids here too much to give up.

I had some visitors last night during a break in the Back to School Night schedule.  It was a parent I have a real good relationship with and a couple of former students.  They do not want to see Photography go.  Ever.  They said there would be a major pushback if the program was harmed.  These are your taxpayers talking.  I do not need to fight for this program.  Like I said, I have employment options.  However, I stay here and do what I do for a love of the kids.  I love my students dearly.  How many schools can say that their teachers feel that way?  To whittle down this department means getting rid of the few of us in this building that feel that way about our students.

To listen to that man posing as a consultant with good experience and ideas is a mistake that will do a great deal of harm to our kids and this community.  Think carefully before you act.

It is Suicide Prevention Week.  Apparently there is a table set up in the cafeteria.  We are apparently a Stigma Free School.  We have the suicide prevention bracelets.  We have the brochures on what Stigma Free means.

But what are we really doing here to address it?  I want a program for all of the teachers to attend regarding mental health - ours and that of our students.  I want teachers to treat students with respect.  Do not bark orders at them.  Say please and thank you.  Greet them at the door.  Understand where they are coming from and that they might be having a rough day.  Let them know if you are having a rough day.  Be human with them.

The climate in the building is so toxic and has been for years, prior to our current superintendent.  There is no point in blaming her.  She is not where the problem lies.  We have a number of people who are on a power trip and learned about power trips from our previous super.  I tell my students I respect them from the beginning and they need to respect each other and me.  The problem is, many of my colleagues do not respect the students or their colleagues.

So the bright spot of my day is the kids.  One of the kids in period 2 last year noted that I greet each student at the door.  He said he looked forward to it every day.  That takes a conscious effort on my part and I am glad he noticed.  I do not neglect my kids.  I worry about them when I get home and I am always there for them.

But the transition after they graduate is hard.  There are promises to keep in touch and they either don't bother, they stand me up, or they start and drift away.  Yet I know there are kids who keep in regular touch with other teachers.  I think I am too easily put aside because there is no threat that I will go away.  It is assumed I will always be there.

But I am thinking of going away.  And if anyone wants to keep me in their life, they will have to try a little harder.  It wears you down and it doesn't seem to be worth it anymore.  I know there are some people trying to change the climate here.  I try.  I just don't know if it will happen.

Signs that something is wrong:

• I am thinking of coming in later in the morning.  I mean, why bother being here if there is nothing to do and no one to be with?
• Sunday night anxiety doesn't exist.  Sunday night ambivalence does.  So what if I stay up really late reading?  I have nothing to wake up for.
• Someone told me that if I leave after 25 years but not at retirement age, it is not retirement, it is just leaving.  It is not the same as when cops leave after 25 years.  Hmmm....
• I hear the footsteps approaching, eagerly look towards the door to see who is coming in but the footsteps aren't for me.
• I am thinking of who can replace me.  Maybe my sister needs a job when I am ready to go.  

I love my students past and present so much and it kills me knowing how I feel.  There are multiple reasons, some of which are personal.  I have never worked in one place for this long.  I have had to move a lot out of necessity - temporary positions, part time vs. full time, etc.  Some of it is related to the place.  I just do not feel like we are valued here.  The fine and performing arts are the best thing going at this school.  We are constantly getting our kids' work out into the community and winning awards and no one cares - not the school, the administration, the staff, or the community.  I feel like they are dying to get my room for space for other programs.  I feel they are dying to get my budget for the latest flavor of the month program.  When STEM is not the fad, they will move on to something else, pour money and time into the next fad, and then move on again.  The arts are the constant in this building and we are neglected and not cared about.  It is all lip service and it makes me wonder just what is the point anymore.  I think there is a great benefit to the students but no one cares about what benefits the kids.  The rumour is that the guy coming up from Trenton to guide us through our transitions is eager to rid this place of the arts.  How is that supposed to make one feel that what they do is worthwhile?  How is it supposed to make one feel when kids are always telling you guidance counselors are shifting them from your classes to business, management, and criminal justice classes?

Many of us in the art department do not just come in to teach.  We come in to make connections with the kids we are with every day.  We hope those relationships help them grow as young adults.  We hope they will stay in our lives and we can continue friendships or mentorships as they grow.  I know that does not exists as prevalently in other departments.  You might get my room and my money but you will lose a whole hell of a lot more.

The year has started and it is not as exciting as in the past.  All last year teachers talked about the lack of respect and the declining behavior in the students.  It was even brought up in a recent meeting.  I looked at another teacher and we both had the same look on our faces:  "What are they talking about?"  Last year was my best year ever.  The students were so nice, polite, honest, and fun.  I had some fabulous work from the students.  There were struggles, but that is to be expected.  And the way this year has started off, I just know it will not be the same.

We had a presentation on our first day back.  It was about how to better engage our students.  As the woman went through the power point, I just kept nodding my head.  The recommendations were all things I know I do in the room.  I know that some of the few people here that I talk to do these things:  respect the students, assist them in not giving up, do not present information for them to memorize and regurgitate.  So many other points.  Yet I also know that there are teachers who cultivate a climate of hero worship here and they teach in the opposite manner.  If you are trying to engage the student in their learning, you are not cultivating a climate of dictator and dictated to.

I spoke to one teacher after his/her breakout session.  S/he had the men who are guilty of this in his/her session.  Apparently, they were told their methods are not engaging.  They might have been a wee bit indignant - shocker! - but will anything change?  Will the director of their department conference with them to let them know where they are wrong?  I doubt it.  This school will not improve if the problem teachers are permitted to kiss ass and get away with pedagogically unsound practices.

So I have a little battle I am set for this year.  Those teachers who cultivate hero worship are also the ones whose students are always doing the work in my room.  From now on, I will confiscate all work caught being done in my class and I will throw it out.  If it is a text book, I will take it and bring it to the main office.   I am tired of this.

We had a workshop based on the recent community forums.  People think this school is horrible.  I have no idea what they are talking about.  The kids are so wonderful.  Sure, the climate is toxic.  However, once I am in the room with my kids, all problems disappear.  I wish my colleagues saw how great the kids are instead of complaining about parking (get your ass here earlier) or the food in the teacher's cafeteria ( bring your own food).  There are a lot of misconceptions and the colleagues who complain about inane stuff are missing the point.  They are also causing the students to also see this place as horrible.  The students are not the problem here.  The rotten attitudes of a select group of teachers is the problem and administration needs to get it in check.  That might mean scolding some of their favourites, but so be it.

The end of my summer vacation is here.  This is what I say goodbye to:

• leisurely mornings listening to Phil Schapp on the radio going on about his encyclopedic knowledge of jazz
• Spooky sitting by the radio enjoying the music, even my aurally disruptive punk records
• gardening in the morning light
• swimming
• lounging in the pool trying the get the birds at the bird feeder to talk to me
• reading and doing art on the patio, with little breaks to watch the birds at the bird bath
• watching out for hummingbirds, butterflies, and hoping some rare visitors will make it here this summer.  I miss the hummingbird moth.
• late nights reading on the couch with Fritz
• that tingle I get when someone contacts me to hang out
• time to search for art shows to put my work in
• the freedom to do whatever I want with my hair
• afternoon rest time with Spooky and Fritz on the couch
• Wednesday trips to the beach
• fried squash flowers
• sitting on the dining room bench gazing out the window at all the stars

Things I will not miss:

• Spooky and Fritz harassing me to feed them an hour and a half before feeding time
• the crappy weather
• the feeling of dejection when I don't get invites to hang out - this happens more often than not
• so much time spent on political work

I have not had a year start off this way, with respect to my emotions.  Every time I look around the room I am reminded of people I miss.  I look at where they sat, their darkroom stations, where I would sit or stand while we talked about class stuff or life and I miss them so much.  I look at my new rosters and I feel apprehension and ambivalence. I know barely anyone.  I have not gone into a year knowing so few kids in a long time.  It makes me miss my regulars even more.  I feel a hole in my chest, much like when Millie died.  The only difference is I am not crying uncontrollably.  I got a message from one of them yesterday to meet up and talk about college and my heart skipped a beat.  These are people I really connected with and I don't want to lose them.  

I also fear for my feelings about this profession.  I still want to teach until I retire, but what is my place in this profession?  What is my place in this district?  I cannot kiss ass.  I just do not have the time to volunteer for every single kiss ass opportunity.  I put too much into what I do in the classroom, and before and after school.  If I kiss ass and join everything, I am not there for the kids.  So do I risk the ramifications of not volunteering for everything?  I do a club, many art shows, and I am on a state committee.  Yet I still fear what the guidance department can do to my class, whether directed from up top or because of a personal vendetta from within my department.  Do I stay here and suffer what they can do to me?  I see them doing things to push others out.  Will it happen to me?  It has not yet, but I worry.  I can't teach anywhere else - I cost too much.  And I love the connections I make with young people.  I am not looking forward to this year because of the answers to these questions that might pop up over the next ten months.

While out with mother, we got to talking about my 8 year old niece and her friend situation.  She starts school again next week.  There are two girls she is close to.  One was taunted by a group of mean girls last year.  Family is worried this can lead to my niece being taunted by proximity.  There is another girl the niece is close to who is more quiet, reserved, and has yet to be targeted. 

This all sounds like niece should stick to the quiet girl.  But there is a catch.  My niece also gets along great with the boys.  As a matter of fact, it might even be that she has more fun with the boys.  On the last day of her kindergarten year, I went to see the festivities.  She was hanging around with the boys and she was the only girl in the bunch.  And she looked so happy.  And they looked happy to have her in their crowd.

So what is the problem?  I told mother that my sister should encourage my niece to stick with whoever treats her best and makes her feel welcome.  If that is the boys, so be it.  Mother joked about a photo of me from 8th grade that the family titled "Melanie and the boys."  If anyone in the family understands how female friendships can hurt, I do.  I have always felt more myself, had more fun with, and had better conversations with my male friends.  So I have to make a concerted effort to convey this to my niece.  Hang with the boys if you want.  Be yourself.

But how to convey this to students?  Where I work, any relationship between a male and female is assumed to be sexual.  I do try to break this up by pairing people strategically for projects.  Has it worked?  Has anything I have done there to break the norms worked?  Nope.  There is no hope there but at least I can work on my niece.