Back from Glasgow.  It was nice.  More than nice.  A welcome respite from the ugh of living in the US.  In addition, as one fellow teacher put it after the end of his time abroad the past two weeks, it broke my post-school year depression.  When I am in Europe, I notice the things I like better over there.  Small cars.  No bumper stickers proclaiming your hates and loves.  A respect for privacy.  Courtesy that is respectful, not ass-kissing.  Great coffee.  Great vegetarian food.  History.  Gardens.  Architecture that makes me swoon.  Seriously.  Get me into a medieval building and I get light-headed.  Even if the weather is meh, I am happy.  And I forget about the fact that I have no social life to speak of because there is so much to do and I am content with doing it alone.

The things I do not like are the fact that it is not hot in a lot of the places we go.  I need the heat.  Mother's home town and environs are perfect in that respect, but I speak no Italian and can understand every few words and you have moved on to the next sentence before I have translated in my head.  Not conducive to making friends.  In addition, many places are moving right wing.  But heck, is it really worse than here?  Don't know.

So now I am back home.  I slogged through the last week getting acclimated to being back, perusing the 500+ shots I took,  I will develop the three rolls of film (one 35mm, two 120mm) at some point, and will upload the ones from the new fangled used phone as well.  But now I am reading.  Someone referred to the summer being nearly over and I wanted to scream.  First of all, I have gone on no adventures.  I love doing things alone in Europe, but I feel lonely when I do things I used to do with people over here.  Going into abandoned sites isn't much fun when you prefer to be with others.  I thought I liked it, but it's silly laughing to yourself while hiding from the landscapers in an abandoned house.  I'd like to reach out to that fellow teacher to go on an adventure, but the last time I reached out to a person to go for coffee and talk photo, it never materialized.  Rejection is hard.  So I sit at home with my best friends, Fritz and Spooky.

I took hubby out to dinner last night for his birthday.  There was a couple at another table.  They talked together for a bit.  Then stopped.  They were both on their respective phones.  When I am in Europe, the only times I see people on the phone is if they are alone, for the most part.  They are not texting when in the company of others.  They seem to value face to face conversation and company more.  Then I see an article online about the poor grades of those students who rely on using cellphones in the classroom.  I guess I am just dying for real human interaction and tired of all this screen to screen stuff.  While tons of people might "like" what you say online, what the heck kind of interaction is that?

I leave for Scotland soon.  Luckily, I have gotten pretty good at packing so I can do so in about a half an hour.  The biggest change for me is the film I will be shooting with.  I normally bring a bunch of 35mm black and white.  However, on the last trip, I finished up my bulk roll of HP5.  I know it isn't hard to go out to the camera store and get myself another box, but I seem to be really bogged down with stuff this summer that makes me not want to deal with smug adult people  And the people at the camera store can be quite smug to females and I am not mentally up for that right now.  So, I am bringing the one roll I have left of bulk loaded HP5 and shooting that on my Yashica Partner, a sleek plastic camera that I can shoot with and no one seems to notice.  The rest will be shot on 120mm.  I am bringing my vintage Diana and several rolls of Kodak - ISO 100 and 400 and a roll or two of Portra.  I like the fuzziness of the Diana and hope to get cool images of gloomy, moody Glasgow.

I am also bringing the T1i and one digital addition.  I am bringing my cell phone.  I am going to see how this works.  I pride myself on not being addicted to this thing.  I have received alerts already and did not jump to look at them.  I am doing OK so far.  I have to get to know the camera a bit better though.  I do not like the low light capabilities - or I should say non-capabilities.  Where I live, I can see all the stars on a cloudless night.  Last night, I tried to shoot with the phone.  Nothing.  But I can shoot low light indoors.  I guess the camera is not as sophisticated as I thought.  I need to return to the manual to get to know the functions better.

I also want to use the phone to shoot bands when I cannot bring a DSLR into the venue.  I have one show I am going to alone in October.  I am all tingly about this one - a 30 year dream come true - and I want some images.  I doubt I can bring the DSLR there.  Then there is another October show I hope to get tickets for this morning.  I can bring the DSLR there, but the crowd will be rough and not conducive to bringing out a fancy camera.  And my point and shoot can only capture the stuff so well, and not that well.  So I must study this device and perfect my use of it.  I guess it also helps me know how to advise my students with their phone cameras as well.  Up to this point, I have been clueless.  I just wish I could bill the school for this. 

Last Tuesday was not the day I got a phone.  I got it this Monday.  It was quite the ordeal.  I had a full day workshop, then headed over to the store with the parents to arm us all with these new devices.  We were there for two hours.  It takes awhile to upgrade from flip phone to smart phone, apparently.  But we are now fully in the 21st century.

I guess smart life is not as damaging as I thought.  I was cutting a papaya and the phone went off and I did not rush to the phone.  I kept cutting that darn papaya.  The message could wait, whoever it was.  It was an update notice.  It was not a human being wanting to get in touch with me.

And that has been the great disappointment/not disappointment.  I had this part of me that fantasized that people would find out I got the device and send me their numbers so we could easily keep in touch.  Only one person did.  One.... Single.... Person.  So much for those who told me they would keep in touch if I had a smart phone.  What about all those people who ask me for my number to keep in touch and were then told "I can't, I have a flip phone"?  Not exactly beating down my door or blowing up my Instagram feed with requests, I tell you.

And lest you think I make a mountain out of a molehill here, there was a great article on this topic that made me feel vindicated. 

Here is the article.

I would have liked to think the ease of getting in touch with me would lead to more human interaction.  It has, as of today, not at all.  Am I too impatient?  Hubby indicated that.  My response:  "But people die."  And that is the thing.  We wait and wait, and dilly dally, and procrastinate reaching out to those we claim are our friends.  Yet we never know what will happen from day to day.   Someone could die.  Less morose, people leave jobs, move, have life-changing things happen.  If we wait too long to reach out, the person we are reaching out too might not be there.  You thought they would always be there, but they are not.  Another thing - sometimes some of us get tired of waiting for responses to our attempts to reach out.  I might not move, leave my job, or die, but I might not always be there for you.  And that is why we should let people we claim to respect, love or care about know that we are thinking of them.  Sure, you might not want a long conversation or have the time to hang out, but a brief note makes one feel as if they have not been forgotten.

There's this whole thing that people are in touch with so many people just because they have a snapchat streak or liked one's photos on instagram.  Reread that article.  Where are the words of emotion and intensity that happens when people actually talk and listen to each other?  Not in a streak or a like. 

And so I look at the long list of contacts I now have in my phone - full sarcasm - and go back to the sofa, curled up with my zine and my cats. 

Thanks for keeping in touch.

So today is the day.  I get a smart phone.  What do I expect from this?  Nothing.  What do I hope for?  Increased keeping in touch with people.  I know it won't happen.

People claim that to keep in touch with them, you need to do it the way everyone else does.  First it was email.  I nearly lost a friend because I wanted to stick to talking on the phone.  He wanted to converse via email.  So in the interest of maintaining connections, I relented.  We drifted apart anyway due to other forces.

Then there was facebook.  I relented with that and I do keep in touch with some people that way but it is only via the computer.  No face to face interaction results from this medium.

I do not text.  I have a flip phone.  However, the parents insist I get a smart phone now that the flip is not usable in Europe.  (I travel a lot.)  I walked up to the store with a sense of dread and apprehension on Tuesday.  Apparently, we get our phones today.  The fantasy?  I announce I got the phone and some of my favourite people will ask for my number so we can text and keep in touch, leading to hanging out, going on adventures and deep talks accompanied by cups of tea or coffee.  The expected reality?  I announce the acquisition of said phone and I hear crickets.  Everyone wants interaction with others, just not me.  Unless they need a favour or have a question about some photo equipment.  Once I have been of service, crickets...

So what does this have to do with teaching?  It reflects what I anticipate this coming year with the bring your own device policy.  I fear we will be drifting to question and answer sessions and critiques done anonymously on our devices rather than face to face and human interaction.  I plan on doing more face to face interaction type stuff this year in the classroom to combat this.  Feedback from a former student is that he would have benefited from more critiques in preparation for his college course.  I heard him loud and clear.  I hated doing critiques because it was like pulling teeth.  Absolute torture.  Forget that.  If the kids can successfully answer a journal question behind the protection of a keyboard and monitor, they can deal with a critique.  They have the words.  They just need to find a way of letting them out via the mouth, not the keyboard.  I might also reintroduce presentations on artists and movements.  I don't know. 

All I know is people think they are keeping in touch via a Snapchat streak or a DM on Instagram.  And I feel lonely with no face to face interaction.

So while a bunch of right wing nutters go on about civility, I am just looking for common courtesy.  I have a cell phone with no texting capabilities.  It is a flip phone.  This is clearly a problem for others.  You see, when people make plans, they like to be flexible - translation, they like to show up whenever they want.

So I have one friend.  He and I meet up for coffee sometimes.  When we do, he tends to be late.  He tends to message me on facebook when he is leaving.  Why not just leave at the time that would get you there at our designated meeting time?  I usually have to wait 20-30 minutes.  Then I get home and see all the "I'm on my way" messages.

I am the chair of an organization here in the north.  I like to start my meetings on time.  If we are meeting for an action, I like to all be there on time.  It was recently joked that I rule with an iron fist.  Nah.  I just like to respect everyone's time.  If we are looking to include people from all walks of life, we have to respect people's time.  We need to be cognizant of work schedules, child-care costs, etc..  But the lily white middle class men who show up all la di da late do not seem to think of that.  If you are taking public transportation to a meet up, take the bus or train that will get you there beforehand.  When I took the train to work in the city, I took the train that got me to work on time with time to spare.  I did not take the one that might get me there around the time I had to start work.  I am tired of being the first one to things and finding out everyone is texting each other "Be a little late.  On my way."  I saw the looks on the faces at a social justice group meeting in Morristown when the leaders took their sweet time starting.  Everyone had things they had to do, and the leaders showed no respect by starting whenever they felt like it.

Then I got stood up yesterday.  I was supposed to meet two former students for coffee.  Knowing that one tends to be late, I walked down at such a time to not get there early.  I have trained myself to bring reading material when meeting people.  Why?  Because I feel like a loser sitting and waiting for someone staring out into space.  So I sat outside.  And waited.  After about 45 minutes, I went inside and ordered myself a drink and sat down.  And read.  And waited.  Like a f*cking loser.  Then I finished my drink, went outside and called home.  Well, hubby saw a message pop up on the work ipad,  Yup, they were running late,  with a message from an hour ago.  We agreed I should wait a little longer.  I sat under a tree across the street and read.  An hour and a half after our meet up time, I went home.  I was tired of being made a fool of. 

I care for and love my students so much but it is not reciprocal.  I want friends to hang out with and put up with quirks, but the lateness is a constant I will put up with but do not like. I like my comrades, but the constant public transportation excuses are wearing thin on me.

So here is my thing.  It seems that texting and cell phone contact has become an excuse to be disrespectful of people's time.  We might set up a meeting time, but as long as you text that you are on your way or running late, all should be forgiven.  Well, I don't think so.  It signifies a selfishness and lack of courtesy.  I went to volunteer canvass for a candidate a few months ago.  I waited on the streets of Paterson for an hour for my comrades.  They were late.  I have dealt with this time after time, in good areas and bad.  I never worry about my safety.  I'll be fine.  I just think that if you are doing this to me, you are probably doing this to people who have more pressing things - baby-sitter they are paying by the hour, a job to get to, and so on.  

Mother tells me I am too finicky with my friends.  Well, I let a lot of stuff go.  I do not require my friends be ideologically identical to me, and no one is.  But I would rather be alone with no friends than stuck waiting for you again.  Oh wait, I am alone waiting for you.

Withdrawal has begun.  Why in the hell would I do drugs when I get so addicted and emotionally attached to the people in my life and then suffer intense withdrawal when we no longer see each other? 

The kids/now adults graduated less than a week ago.  I ended up tearing up when I said goodbye to my GSA president.  This woman did more for the club than anyone ever and for that, I will never forget her.  We went for coffee on Sunday and it was wonderful.  The conversation was fabulous.  I tend to stay alone when I am at the club - my only socialization - because there are some people there I tried to befriend who ended up having very troubling views.  So having intelligent conversation is a bonus for me when it happens.

I also teared up because I fear for the future of my program.  I hope I have positively impacted my kids.  Yeah, they say they have been but I never hear from most of them again so I am never sure.  But I feel that some in Guidance and the little man sent from the state are working to whittle down the department.  The faculty were told that no one is safe, regardless of seniority, tenure, or subject.  How's that for making us feel like we matter?  So I try to enrich my students' lives and teach them about so much more than Photography.  If I get pushed out, where does that leave them?  With a bunch of misogynists in liberal men's clothing in the coaches, I mean history, department.  I just feel a bit helpless here.

Hubby and my parents say I should scan the notes in my yearbook and bring them to my superior's attention or add them to my resume and start looking.  Yes to the first.  No to the latter.  This is the end of my career.  No one else will hire me.  I am too old and too costly.  A kid fresh out of school is cheaper. 

So then yesterday I met two other lovelies for coffee.  I loved it.  I had to go home for dinner after three and a half hours, but I could have stayed all night.  I loved just listening to them talk about photo equipment and technique.  Such cool stuff and I hope they continue to shoot. 

But driving home was happy and sad.  I have found people who are good to talk to, but will any of it last?  I do not know.  So what do I fill my time with now?  I developed two rolls of film yesterday.  I just completed some submissions to art shows.  I will be heading down to the basement to print some photos.  I also have a ton of political work right now.  I am trying to not get lonely.  I also want to go for a couple of trips into the city to gallery hop and maybe try out the Whitney at the new location.  I wish I had a friend to go with, but if not, so be it. 

My interpersonal relations with people is one of my drugs and I am going through withdrawal.

I ran out of time this year.  I used my second personal day today and am losing one.  I did end up with lots of nagging colds and fevers this year so I did use a great number of sick days - the most ever in my life - seven.  Ugh.  I missed my kids greatly and I think I should not have taken those days.  It's too late now.

So what do I do on a day off?  I did a continuation of a project I started a couple of months ago.  Self-portraits reflecting my state of mind.  After that, I did yard work.  Ideally, this being June, after getting coated in a lush layer of moist grass clippings, I would have jumped in the pool to clean off.  I could not do such a thing in less than 70 degree weather.  So I sat on the ladder and washed my legs off while my toes went numb.  Then I uploaded the shots, edited lightly - more to do later on - and then worked on submissions.  I found one free zine to submit to and there are a couple of low cost shows to submit to as well.  I have had a dry spell the past year.  That's what happens when you have no time to do things for yourself, like art and shows.  But I am working with a comrade on an art show/fundraiser for my political group.  We are looking at October with a call for the art going out over the summer.  Maybe I can be in that one.  We might have a DJ or have people playing music too.  Then I napped with Fritz, watched some murder on DVD, and headed over to my mother and father's to make good on my Mother's Day gift - taking care of weeding over there.  Then ended the night with a union rep council meeting at the Brownstone.

Anything to avoid the near crippling depression.  So that is something I deal with and I think I wrote about it previously.  The way it manifests with me is I am angry and nasty to and with people and I brood and get sad alone and at home.  I guess that doesn't matter for those who do not work with others, but not for me, a teacher.  I have been nasty to some kids who have been indifferent or difficult.  Rather than dig more for what was going on with them, I shut down and reacted.  I have plenty of kids who do not work the last few weeks.  But at least they are honest with me and I know what they are doing.  They are still super polite and funny in class and I sense no negativity from them.  They are just done and they are teenagers.  And I get that.  I do not do well when I get kids who shut down and are not communicative or we do not communicate with each other well.  This time, I shut down as well.  And I have screwed up some teacher-student relationships this year.  I might be getting played, but with my depression, this is a toxic brew and it came to a head this week.  So I put in for today when I saw my mood getting worse and I am glad I did.  I am trying to repair what is left of these relationships.

You know, if mental illness was something we could talk about freely, I could address it and not have this stuff happen.  It's not like physical illnesses.  "Hi, I'm your teacher, I have such and such disease and I might be out a lot or tired or in pain a lot.  Please be understanding of this throughout the year."  I can't quite address my depression.  I can just imagine the rumours going around after that.  And my school is not one that is very understanding of mental illness, as proven when I needed a doctor's note to get out of teaching the yearbook.  I had a colleague call me crazy.  Um, clearly you have no understanding of depression and no compassion.  I hope I can repair this year, but I hold little hope of that.