This is from a post in September, 2016:

• The intrigue of the week?  Hearing that something that I have been wanting to do for years is now being done by other staff members.  My problem is that I talked about it with people I thought were friends.  It turns out they are taking my ideas and running with them.  So they can do their gardening club and that is fine with me, but the deceit and theft I am dealing with so far this year is hardening my resolve that I must no longer befriend my coworkers and must see my time with my students as my source of joy.  It doesn't disappoint me. I know who I am dealing with.  It's more like that gnat that keeps flying in your face as you are hiking a difficult trail.  You have bigger things to take care of and this annoying little thing keeps trying to distract you.  I am also finding out that I will be pushed out of a project I was discussing with the the colleague who came up with the idea and was spearheading it.  Actually, we are both being pushed out. 

Some people think I am cold, unforgiving, stubborn in my refusal to use the word "friend" with people.  Here is an update to the above situation.  There were awards received for that garden in the courtyard.  The superintendent continues to brag about the "Unity Garden" and those involved in it to this day.  One of the people involved in it who does not know the original idea was mine even asked me if I wanted to be involved, since I love gardening so much.  I just politely said "Thank you, but I have so many other things I am doing."  Why stir the pot by explaining why?

So I am just finished with the book I mentioned before.  One of the topics was conflict in friendships and how to be honest in dealing with them.  It advised you bring up the issue, let the person know how it makes you feel, and work from there.  And I thought that was a good idea and I would work up the nerve.

Then I thought for a bit.  I did bring it up.  Twice.  The last time, I was really upset about how I had been treated by someone and talking about how I am always trying to do the right thing and not one person in my life has not hurt me.  I said to this person "Tell me about the Unity Garden."  I got nothing.  No answer.

Fast forward to this year.  I am consoling this person after something sad and was told that they were so sorry for what they did to me in the past because they were under the influence of others.  I flashed to the garden.  I just said nothing.  I have given up trying to get this person to admit what was done to me.

Here's the thing.  Anyone can say they're sorry, they are trying to do better.  That is nice.  But there is more needed.  To truly be sorry, you have to be able to admit the specifics of what you did, particularly if you are asked point blank.  If the hurt person brings it up to achieve closure, you do not get to decide to gloss over it.  Without your admission, not only does the hurt party not get closure, but you get off the hook.  That is because you want to put it in the past to assuage your ego.  Don't do that.  Address it.  Take ownership of it.  The longer you wait to do it, the more damage you do and the less likely the person is to ever forgive you.

I am currently reading "Friending - Creating Meaningful, Lasting Adult Friendships" by Gina Handley Schmitt.  It isn't one of those stuffy self-help books for middle aged housewives.  I got it from an independent publisher.  

I like the book but it is at times upsetting.  It breaks things down into what one needs to do for friendships.  It begins by breaking things down into categories. I think people get offended when I say I have no friends, only acquaintances, but it is truth.  There are peers and acquaintances who do not know you well, there are those acquaintances who you share a little with, and then there are your friends.  There is an implicit trust and comfort in friendships.  All of these people like you and you know that. Then there is how to be a good friend by being there for the person by being available, authentic, affirming, assertive, and accepting.  

I am only nearing the end of the Being Authentic chapter, but the reading is good, informative, enlightening at times, and affirming at others.  I do believe there are different versions of ourselves.  We show different parts to different people.  Having said that, I can say that I have always tried to be authentic.  There were times when I tried things that were not "me" in an effort to not close people off.  It does not suit me.  I am probably most authentic with my students, hubby, and at the dance club.  This is probably because they involve the things that are important to me:  adventure, art, music, and travel.  I have nothing in common with most family and co-workers.  So be it.  

There was one thing that hit me hard, though.  There was discussion about expressing yourself to your friends, both good and bad.  Meaning, if there is something in the relationship you are unhappy with, it should not be a problem for one to express this without a problem.  I had a lot of trouble with this one and had to put the book down for a couple of days.  

I give an awful lot to my relationships.  Not out of obligation, but it's just who I am.  Sometimes I get support in return, most often I do not get the same at all.  Unfortunately, just because a person might have given me support in the past, does not mean they are a friend.  I think it was more a feeling of obligation on their part or them playing the part of a good friend.  In a relationship, according to Schmitt, both parties should be able to express their needs and ways they have been let down.  The friendship - if it is truly a friendship - will survive this, as long as the requests are made respectfully.

Here's my issue.  When I have expressed my needs - three whole times!- it did not go well.  One person dug in their heels and said I was too demanding.  Years later, therapy confirmed I was not being too demanding.  It didn't take any of the hurt away, but oh well.  Another time my request was met with a kind of "Well, I am awkward and not that way" kind of attitude.  OK.  The last time was when I requested someone let up on the negativity.  My request was met with days of silence and no contact.  Um, OK.  

So, as I get through this book, and I deal with the solitude of the, pandemic, and the loss of my contact with students, and a few deaths, I guess I have to make some decisions for real.  I say this so often, then I get suckered into thinking I am wrong.  I am just being too demanding (mother's voice) and too picky.  But I am not asking for gifts, money, tons of time.  I just want someone I can trust, talk to, know I will not be subject to revenge if we fall out, know that when I contact the person, they will respond, and I want no drama.  I mean, there's more, so much more to seek in a friend, but these are the basics.  I want to feel accepted, wanted, but also safe.  This spring, I realized I am not safe with anyone.  Revenge is too common and drama is too sought after.

So here I am, writing my thoughts after a year's break cos I got no one to say it to.  But don't feel sorry for me.  I am feeling a sense of freedom.  Twinged with loneliness, but freedom, none-the-less.

It has been awhile since I have done this.  I guess I had people to talk to so I wasn't blogging.  But things are different now.  If you care to read about what I am thinking, I am going to do this more often again.  Enjoy the ride while it lasts.

I have not posted in a long time.  Things have not gone well.  We are fighting for the survival of our program here at work.  I have been told that the success of the darkroom with the ABA program is my safety net, so to speak, but I never relax here.  I have had too much done to me.

My depression has been the worst it has ever been.  I had a very bad end of November and the Holiday break was the worst.  I am lucky that I finally found therapy and was able to switch medical maintenance doctors.  I had been trying for over a year to find a counselor.  My medicine dose has been doubled.  I live in a kind, caring town and have lovely neighbours, but my life is filled with work and acquaintances who are not like the people in my town.

I have decided to be open with my classes about my depression when warranted.  Why?  Well, we have been declared a "Stigma Free School" and I think the students will feel more comfortable with their own issues if they know there are teachers going through some of the same things.  I am judicious in when I talk about or divulge my illness.  So far, no negative ramifications.  It enables those students who have 504s or IEPs to know I mean it when I understand their anxiety and depression issues and will take their work late.  They know I am not lying and some have expressed their thanks.

I have been trying to work on things in therapy and things are not going well this week.  A friend is dumping me for his girlfriend, as he has been told to do with all his friends.  Another friend seems to have been put off by something I said to him.  He deleted his ill-timed joke to me after I made a comment and I have not heard from him since.

I was feeling bad and then I got a wonderful visit from two former students.  I left work feeling happy.  Then I headed to therapy.  She had been doing well since I started in January.  Then she made a comment about a political ideology that I hold dear.  She does not know this about me.  But I immediately felt vulnerable and let down.  I need to be able to be open in therapy but how can I when I know she holds this ideology in such a negative light?  I tried to brush it off for the rest of the hour.  Then as the night went on, I felt worse and worse.  I need to bring this up to her, but fear messing it up.  Just as I cannot turn away my students from feeling open with me by expressing disdain for a belief of theirs, I don't think a therapist should.  I would want my students to tell me when I have said something that made them feel bad - and they have and I have apologized - I need this from my therapist.  I am just scared to do it.

Then when my husband asked for my opinion about a work issue, he clearly did not like the answer I gave him.  It had to do with the sudden assigning a guardian to an elderly developmentally disabled client.  He tightened up when I gave my reasoning, and I could tell my opinion angered him.  I get that a lot.  When someone asks for my opinion and it is not what they wanted to hear, I am met with dismissal or disappointment.

With all this going on, I started ruminating about some things at work.  In my life, when someone has treated a family member or friend badly, I am expected to dislike the offending person and preferably cut ties with them.  However, when a person has done something to me, I can't even get anyone to defend me, let alone drop the offender.  If I express disappointment, I am told my anger at the offender's actions is my fault or I am too sensitive.  Students have asked me to deal with people who have treated them poorly, even former students, yet when one of their own does the same to me, no one will stand up for me.  When people here at work have treated each other poorly, I am expected to not like the offender anymore.  I cannot acknowledge any positive attributes of that person at all.  However, the names of people who have hurt me can be brought up a lot and friendships maintained and I am unreasonable for being upset by this.  I do not get it.  I have forgiven people for horrible things, for upsetting words, for stealing my ideas.  I do not know what more I have to do to get people to respect my right to be hurt and offended.  I was defended once, and that was recently, but I feel it was partly due to the nature of the subject and the identity of the offender.  He is not well liked.  If a chum says something bad about me or does something cruel to me, I will be the only one protesting such behavior.  It's kind of lonely doing that.

I have a union committee meeting in Trenton tonight.  These meeting days are incredibly long abut it is the only thing I am involved in where they are truly thankful and appreciative.

At a time in which I feel I am fighting for my darkroom's existence, I forgot another community darkroom is opening.  The Halide Project - a gallery and workshops group - in Philadelphia is opening one.  I really like this group.  I met them at the Trenton Punk Rock Flea Market some years ago.  they were doing tintypes or some other alternative process on the spot.  I talked to them and arranged to have my students come for a gallery viewing.  We did so after a trip to Eastern State Penitentiary.  I loved it.  My kids were less than enthusiastic.  Very rude  Nevertheless, I have stayed on their email list.  I had completely forgotten about them opening a Philly area community darkroom.  If you have the money to spare, donate to one of these.  The continued life of analog is important.  I have had a few conversations lately about the differences between film and digital prints and I just wish everyone would see there is room in the art field for both.

So I took yesterday off because I had a friend in need of help.  I also went to a new doctor on Monday.  My previous doctor had put me on a new medicine due to the stress at work.  It has not helped at all.  I want to get off it.  This new doctor is taking be off it.  So when a friend says he needs a favour from me, and my mental state is not well, I took yesterday off.

I have a proposal for any administrators reading this:  Create a work climate survey taking into account morale and mental health.  This place sorely needs it.  A number of us are on medication or therapy.  While some of us probably have mental health issues that existed to prior employment, a number of us have had issues exacerbated by the actions of our administration and colleagues.  I would venture to say that this is a hostile work environment.  I know that there have been teacher suicides in Paterson and other stressful places.  I fear it is only a matter of time here.

So yes, I took yesterday off.  What I had to do was more beneficial for me and the other individual than any day in this horrid place.  I love my kids, but the environment is killing me.

After years of dire need, there is a community darkroom opening up in New Jersey.  And it is not in Jersey City, thankfully.  I love Jersey City, but I know how tough it can be for some people to get there.  It is opening in Newark.  Woohoo!!!  I missed the deadline to contribute to donations, but I will once there is an opening for that again.

I have been digging deep online and happened to find an article on the Emulsive website.  It looked like the darkroom was in an area I drive through when going home from the club, so I took a gander on the way home on Saturday.  I cross the street shortly before I get to route 280.  I was in no mood to drive around on Saturday - a gross, persistent guy hitting on you will do that to you - but I plan to drive by the location tonight.  (Yeah, clubbing tonight.  The night before Thanksgiving is always a big deal at the club.  Only black lights.  Everyone's teeth and hair glows.  I need to rebleach my stripe for this.)  So then I started digging into different kinds of film.  Oh dear.  I found some fabulous colour films - wild, psychedelic stuff.  I will put them on my Christmas list, for sure.  Then I found this dreamy black and white film by a brand called Svema.  Gosh, the Eastern Europeans have it going film and paper-wise.

I am trying to get a friend back into shooting.  He has taken a break from it - no access - so I hope that giving him a camera I have laying around will inspire him.  I see so much crappy "art" out there and to see someone with fantastic talent not able to use it makes me sad.  I still have this dream/fantasy of going on shooting adventures with friends.  I had so much fun shooting with a couple of former students over the summer and I want to do it more often.  The creativity osmosis can be quite cool.  Then, imagine having people to develop and print with in my basement?  My sister and I tried to start an art collective years ago.  We envisioned a Morris County thing that would involve the freak artists - not the rich suburban housewife ones in my town - but it never went anywhere.  Maybe when I am done being the Chairperson of the NNJDSA, I can spend more time on my art.

I went out to dinner with a former student yesterday. She is doing so well in college.  She is adjusting perfectly.  Then I was surprised by another friend/former student this morning and he is adjusting well too.  Too often I hear of the kids from this school bombing at college - too much partying, not adjusting to living independently, not handling the workload - and I know that many of my colleagues teach too easily.  I loved last year's class because of the kind of young adults they were.  They were so different and hearing how they are doing in college makes my heart sing.  Last year's bunch was so unique and seeing some of them this week is helping with some stuff right now.

Then I get a massage today, deliver a bag of catnip to my friend, and hopefully dance my ass off at the club.

We have professional development today.  I picked all things that pertain to me and my kids:  trauma, abuse, and addiction.  Hopefully these will be much better than last year's batch.  I felt a bit cheated last year.  I had my hopes up for some and they were nothing but a letdown.

So then we have teacher's convention weekend.  I am going to DC, of course.  There is a phenomenal Gordon Parks exhibit that just opened.  Timely, I have to say.  I cannot wait to go home to DC.  It is the only place in this country in which I can walk the streets and feel I am home.

Now, most people in this area say that about NYC.  Not me.  I worked there for eight months.  All I felt was unwelcome and like an intruder.  However, since I have tomorrow off, and the weather is supposed to nice, I want to go in and walk around.  Maybe go to galleries, maybe go to Bluestockings.  I am so socially awkward I am holding myself back from being social.  My friend works in midtown.  He is having a rough time at work.  He has offered to meet for lunch when I go into the city in the past.  I could offer to meet him to bring some levity to his day, but the fear of rejection stops me.  I also have someone else I would like to ask to go with me but the fear of rejection gets me again.  So if I go, I will most likely be alone, which is usually how I do it anyway.

The last time I went on a Thursday night for gallery openings, I stumbled upon a David Hockney exhibit.  That was thrilling.  It was a lot of new paintings and digital work on monitors.  And he was here in all his bespectacled cuteness.  There was also another two or three big openings but I was not impressed.  The Picasso show?  Meh.  I am not a disciple of his.  Misogynist.  Then there was the socially popular one that had all of society holding court and flitting about and there are me and my friend seeming like the losers who crashed the party...  Quite fun.


I guess I wouldn't mind crashing another art party with a friend....