When in high school, some friends gave me and anti-hex candle.  I was known as the jinx.  The candle didn't work, but it sure smelled nice; woodsy, patchouli-ish.  Bad vibes seem to follow me.  I have always wanted to get myself a little gris-gris to deal with the jinx-i-ness of me.  Thankfully, someone gave one to me.

Now here's the thing.... I have dysthymic disorder.  Diagnosed about seven years ago, it seems I have had it since I was in fourth grade.  That would be about 1982.  A long time. I have medicine I take daily and I have been doing much better over the past few years, but it will never go away.  I just make sure I take care of things and go to the doctors regularly.  I do my best to be good to people partly because it helps the situation.  I debated writing about this all weekend but figured, what the hell, no one reads this but one person and she knows my diagnosis.

You see, I am getting tired of how people treat each other.  There seems to be a growing tendency to treat others in ways that hurt a great deal, and that should not be.  There is a great disregard for people's feelings and situations.  Friday went rapidly down the sh*tter after a report from some students that a figure in the guidance office said something cruel about me, out loud, in front of them (I know not everyone is liked, but to say it in front of students was unprofessional).  I know I ruffle feathers here at work by my demeanor (I have been called aggressive; I prefer assertive), but I do my best to be friendly and helpful to everyone, including those I know have said things about me or tried to undermine my work.  I have never said no to any favour asked of me, as long as I was capable of doing it.  Many of those favours are of a personal nature, not professional.  I have spent countless hours of my free time advising people on equipment, photo issues, you name it.  I have lost lunch periods and even wrecked my account on the network due to helping someone with her Snapfish account.  I rarely, if ever, ask for favours.  I like to do it myself and am fearful of burdening already over burdened colleagues.  I love my job here and the fact that the kids are so great helps me get through.  So when I walk the halls with a smile and greet everyone with a friendly face, it is because I want to make everyone's day a little bit better.  I was moved down to Photo to fix a dying program.  I take pride in the fact that guidance has told me that the popularity of the program makes their scheduling job very easy.  It is a challenging class that kids want to take.  And I take anyone and everyone.

So when a person you thought you had a good relationship says what was said, it hurts a great deal.  This person does not know it, but when I used to do the yearbook, I covered for a great mistake she made.  An irate guardian called because his charges were not in the book.  He was threatening legal action.  This person was the point person for graduating senior verification.  She said they were not on our rolls anymore and therefore did not go in the book.  She was mistaken.  This was the one and only time I was ever called into the superintendent's office.  Her boss was there too.  I covered for her and claimed I did not recall who gave me the misinformation.  She had some personal family issues going on.  I did not want her to get into trouble at all.  It was devastating to hear what this person said on Friday.

Because of my lifelong issue, I make sure I run my class a certain way.  I do not like to hear kids talk about each other and do not put up with kids making fun of others.  I do not want cruelty and strive for a climate of respect.  I am also looking to make all my kids happy.  I do not want my kids to be sad.  I want them to feel some sense of pride in their accomplishments.  It is one of the reasons I strive to put at least one piece from every kid in our art show. I also keep my door open at all times for anyone who needs a place to go, colleague or student.  I make sure I deal with my colleagues a certain way.  My concern for them is genuine.  I don't fake friendship, but I will be a loyal colleague who will be there for you for anything I can help with.  I don't know how to say no and I do the best job possible when giving help.  No one knows what I deal with inside, but I manage to be there for anyone in any way needed despite all that.  I do not think I am "special" but I do try to give what others will not or cannot.

It is for these reasons that I am having a hard time dealing with the growing cruelty.  I will make sure I put on my happy face for the kids tomorrow.