If I thought we had any impact on students and would be remembered long after graduation, those thoughts were dashed on Saturday.

One of my colleagues died recently.  Her viewing and funeral were this weekend.  She was in one of the largest departments in the building.  She had taught for over 30 years.  Like any teacher, some kids liked her, some did not.  Like any co-worker, I am guessing some had a good relationship with her, some not so great (I have no idea about that in this case).  However, given the years of service and the fact that she was not a "make trouble" kind of colleague like many others in the building, I thought there would be a large PV crowd paying their respects.

I was wrong.

I drove a colleague from the deceased's department.  We arrived early and were the first ones there.  We stayed for one of the two hours of the viewing.  The church was a beautiful old place.  The setting was a fine last moment for her.  Graceful and peaceful.  We waited and waited, anxiously looking every time someone arrived.  Three current students.  Another student.  A few retired colleagues.  And then some current colleagues.  Except none of them were from her department.  None.  I was the only one from my department.  In all, only four other colleagues.  And four current students.

At one o'clock, we had to leave.  Do I think more people showed up after we left?  I know her department head was just missed by us.  I sure hope more people made the trip to pay their respects.  And I sure hope more students - current and former - made the trip.  But do I think that is what happened?  No.  Sadly, I don't think so.

And so I have been thinking all weekend:  We try so hard to have a big impact on our students.   Some of us stay in contact and give help and advice long after graduation.  But will it matter when we go?  Will anyone feel the loss or miss us?  Will anyone give us one last visit?  I guess not.  I guess we are just public servants to be used for one's own benefit, and critiqued when we want anything in return, like a decent salary and benefits.  Will this realization stop me from giving all I give?  Not at all.  But any hope of a return is now gone.  I will still take care of my kids for many, many years.  I just know that I will most likely not get much of a send off when I die.