I tend to resist the technological innovations that involve wireless devices.  However, after speaking with the staff at a gallery some months ago, seeing more and more artists using those platforms, and knowing I have to keep the kids interested, I gave in.  I started an Instagram page for Millie.  I am doing it under the guise that I want her to get more "out there" for the public.  But really, it is an experiment for my class and future plans for the class.  If I remain ignorant of these new platforms, I am doing a disservice to my students.  I only follow other cat pages, and that is mainly to see the kinds of images people are posting with their phones and get a better understanding of quality.

First, and most obviously, you have artists like Richard Prince who was in the news recently for his use of Instagram photos.  He appropriated others' images and used them as his own art.  Use of the site as art number one.

Second, in my searches for galleries to enter my shows in, I see more and more calls for cell phone art.  Instagram is cell phone based.  If this is now considered a legitimate image taking tool, I need to know it.  I bought my own digital camera and DSLR to keep up.  I received no assistance from the district.  I will not lay out my own money for a smart phone.  Especially since there are others in the building who get phones, laptops, and many other perks, gratis.  So I am using the school issued tablet.  More on that later.

Third, I am finding more and more artists are using the site to get their own work out to the public.  I have my students complete a submission each marking period.  I cannot be ignorant of a platform and method of getting ones work to the public just because I do not like it.

So what is my experience so far?  It is mixed.  I have learned that the camera on the iPad is garbage.  I have no idea what the file size is, but it is as if I am shooting with the ancient 2MP cameras from ten years ago.  I am learning how to use the site to edit the images.  I am humoured by the filters that mimic various types of film, without using the names of the films, of course.  However, no amount of editing can clean up or improve images taken with a cruddy quality camera.  But I know that is not a concern for those using the cell phone camera.  One student informed me that his cell phone has a 12MP camera, so there goes that concern.

One thing I fine interesting yet cumbersome is that I can e-mail the better quality camera-shot images from my computer to my work e-mail, download the good image to the iPad, then upload to Instagram from there.  (You cannot upload to Instagram from a computer without a downloading a program that gives you a workaround and the reviews on those are iffy.)  It sure is an awful lot of moving images around just to use a popular platform and not end up like a dinosaur.

So is Instagram the new Flickr?  Not quite.  I gave up on Flickr when one of my photos was lifted by someone to offer as a background on her site.  She gave me image credit but never asked for permission.  But isn't that what Prince did?  I never said I agreed with his moves.  But my dislike for the things being done cannot keep me ignorant of something that artists are using.  And you can edit to some degree, which you couldn't do on Flickr, at least while I did use it.

It is also a way for your images to get to a much larger audience.  How many people really look at our fancy art websites?  Gallerists do, and that is so important.  But if you want to get to the general public, it seems Instagram is a tool I need to get the kids to be aware of.  I know that I will not be setting up my own site for my art - I do not forsee myself getting a smartphone - but I am learning something I think I need to know for my students.  (And if the iPad had to ever be turned in, you can bet I would be in no rush to find a way to maintain my Instagram Millie page.  She still has her facebook page for her adoring public.)  Honestly, I think it is not the best way to get one's art out there or the best way to present it, but I won't let my personal ideals get in the way.  Heck, if I can talk about the merits of Picasso and Rothko (two artists whose work I despise) with my students, I can get through this Instagram thing.

I had an interesting talk with a mother yesterday.  She came to pick up her son in the nurse's office.  Her son claimed he had a stomach ache but she did not believe it.  He was fine in the morning.   As we talked, I got the feeling it was more than that.  They had just moved up from Florida and this was his first school year in our school.  He was a transfer student.  He was having trouble making friends.  She was worried about that.  I started to talk about encouraging him to get involved in stuff here.  Obviously, I mentioned sports first - it's what matters most here.  He is not a sports kind of kid.  So I mentioned clubs.  She told me he is a gamer.  Well, we used to have a Gamer's Club, but that got cut.  But there are lots of gamers here in school he could meet.  I asked if he was into the arts - fine, music, theater.  She didn't really know.  I told her that the kids I know in those areas are very kind and welcoming.  He might look into taking some classes in those areas to get to know people.

Then he came down from his class and I met him.  He was shy, but polite.  I talked to him a bit, but did not push it.  And in him, I saw me.  I was pulled from schools whenever my mother got fed up with a situation.  I know what it is like to transfer and try to make friends when your interests do not fall into the mainstream.  And then I got to thinking about the situation here.  Sure, we've got tons of sports and while they deal with cuts, their cuts are nowhere near as devastating as the cuts the art classes have been dealt.  The cuts in the clubs dealt some serious blows to the kids that fall under the radar, the kids who are not mainstream and have nothing else here.  In their eyes, they lost everything.  There were some kids who cried last year over the loss of their club.

But the people who make the decisions that affect these kids have no idea what it is like to be them.  I look at the make up of the decision makers.  They are sports minded.   If they have kids, the kids were sports kids.  They were popular.  They came from "good" families who had no troubles or if they did, they hid it real well (rehab, drug addiction, alcoholism, abuse, police encounters, all get swept under the rug).  But the kids that don't fit in here at a sports oriented school?  I am not sure that they really matter.  They have problems at home of all sorts and don't have the luck of societal buffers.  The art classes have a 30% cut for the second year in a row.  The clubs will not be reinstated.  While I am so grateful for the fact that the staff in the arts have not been cut, our hands are tied when our budgets are dealt some serious blows.  And in the case of Photography, I built this up from one level/one period to three levels (now AP) and eight full periods.  I was told a number of times that they could fill 10 periods.  We had to add a seat per period to accommodate the requests.  Yet I never asked for more money.  The students requested a period zero so they could fit photo in with all their other classes.  They refuse to pay the extra that entails.  I do not play games with my budget.  I do not try to sneak in over the allotted amount.  I compare prices and get the best prices possible.

However I was just told by my boys that their team just got new uniforms for the Spring season.  Other sports get new uniforms every year or every couple of years.  Sure, they are dirty.  But think about this.  The camera is held to the face when shooting.  Think about all the make up and skin oils.  Guess who cleans that stuff off?  Me.  And some of it is caked on.  I wish I could get a new camera because of bodily fluids.  When I was a cheerleader for our pathetic but lovable basketball team at Holy Spirit School, we were using uniforms that were 20 years old.  We bought our own bloomers.  We budgeted for the thorough cleaning of the uniforms for the next year.  And the money that is being thrown at programs that do not benefit 100% of the student population bothers me.  Our male students population is such that we will not have a great football team.  We do not have boys coming in with the build you need.

Here's what we do have:  Kids who have a growing interest in creative technology.  I have had so many kids talk to me about game and web design.  Kids are starting to show interest in product design.  And of course, there are all the kids we have who want to do something in photo as a main or side career.  And how are we serving those kids?  We have barely anything for some, and we maintain hurtful cuts to other programs (if the cut is administered and kept, it is still a cut when the rosters are at the same numbers).  Do we care about 100% of our student population or only the sports kids?  We are supposed to best serve all of our kids - their families all pay taxes.  To borrow the DC motto, "Taxation without Representation".

And please, spare me the "Melanie hates sports" bs.  I am a lover of basketball, worked for the NBA for six years, love sports such as skateboarding and bike riding, either actively or as a viewer.  However, it makes me sad to know that if I was a current student here, I would be made to feel that my interests and strengths do not matter one bit.  I would be insignificant.  And that just might be how that boy from yesterday feels.

If I thought we had any impact on students and would be remembered long after graduation, those thoughts were dashed on Saturday.

One of my colleagues died recently.  Her viewing and funeral were this weekend.  She was in one of the largest departments in the building.  She had taught for over 30 years.  Like any teacher, some kids liked her, some did not.  Like any co-worker, I am guessing some had a good relationship with her, some not so great (I have no idea about that in this case).  However, given the years of service and the fact that she was not a "make trouble" kind of colleague like many others in the building, I thought there would be a large PV crowd paying their respects.

I was wrong.

I drove a colleague from the deceased's department.  We arrived early and were the first ones there.  We stayed for one of the two hours of the viewing.  The church was a beautiful old place.  The setting was a fine last moment for her.  Graceful and peaceful.  We waited and waited, anxiously looking every time someone arrived.  Three current students.  Another student.  A few retired colleagues.  And then some current colleagues.  Except none of them were from her department.  None.  I was the only one from my department.  In all, only four other colleagues.  And four current students.

At one o'clock, we had to leave.  Do I think more people showed up after we left?  I know her department head was just missed by us.  I sure hope more people made the trip to pay their respects.  And I sure hope more students - current and former - made the trip.  But do I think that is what happened?  No.  Sadly, I don't think so.

And so I have been thinking all weekend:  We try so hard to have a big impact on our students.   Some of us stay in contact and give help and advice long after graduation.  But will it matter when we go?  Will anyone feel the loss or miss us?  Will anyone give us one last visit?  I guess not.  I guess we are just public servants to be used for one's own benefit, and critiqued when we want anything in return, like a decent salary and benefits.  Will this realization stop me from giving all I give?  Not at all.  But any hope of a return is now gone.  I will still take care of my kids for many, many years.  I just know that I will most likely not get much of a send off when I die.

Hoping for a turnaround in my luck...

Brainstorming is going fabulously.  I started doing more research for the STEAM ideas.  I found two things that got me very excited.  Even if I don't get picked to go to the workshop (and do not take that as I don't mind if I don't get picked.  I do mind.  A lot.) I think I can use these ideas.  I might need to find more money for supplies.  Because I can't use football equipment for these ideas.

Every night I plan to go out, the anxiety gets me.  I deliberate on whether I should go.  Will anyone be there?  Will the music be good?  Will I find parking?  Is there a game or concert that will cause me to get stuck in traffic on Route 21?

And then I get going with the make up and hair, put the music on in the car, and get on the highway.  I am greeted warmly at the door. (Yeah, warm and friendly bouncers.  Go figure.)  The people inside say hi and talk to me.  I have some nice conversations with nice people.  Even if I don't like the song that is being played, I am having fun and I know there will be plenty of songs to dance too.  And my hips need a rest from time to time.  Last night was great.  Nice things were said by nice people and that lifted the mood.  The downstairs DJ played a rare Duran Duran track and I was in heaven.  I made tentative plans for hubby and I to meet a super cool couple for dinner soon (I have known this gal for 20 years and her hubby is so sweet.)  I felt fabulous with my Shirley Temple drink.  And on my way out, the owner reminds me to bundle up and I see another friendly face on the walk to the car.

When my weekends are so full of people who have the ability to be polite and kind, it makes it hard when I encounter the rudeness again.  It makes me want to pound my fists on the table when people dismiss the rudeness and disrespect with a flip "Well, that's how people are" because I know that is not how all people are.  I know that there is really no need to be so rude and disrespectful.  I know I can't convince the adults of this.  I do keep trying to convince my students of this.  And I want them to lead in changing this.

I like to save electricity.  Because of this - also known as my cheapness and stupidity - I walked right into my sewing table.  Two smashed toes.  However, if I can walk on them, I can dance and that is what I will be doing tonight.  Hopefully the DJ will make me sweat.

So I am going to try to get into this STEAM workshop over the summer.  I have been brainstorming ideas, researching, mulling things over.  I have three working ideas so far.  I will discuss them with some people to get feedback.

Who would I want to work with in the related departments?  After last year's try at a team taught lesson, I am gun shy.  He/she might think it was a success.  I thought it was a disaster.  I need to work with someone with the same work ethic as me.  I cannot work with someone who makes it all look great at first glance but is shaky once you scratch the surface.  I need to work with someone who will teach to all the students, not just the elite.  My classes are very mixed.  The lesson needs to be something that will appeal to and draw in all types of learners.  Last year's lesson did not do that.  It was a show.  One teacher was on stage performing.  One was on the side trying to keep the show interesting for the whole audience.  It did not work.  At all.  I cannot work with a person who slaps it all together at the last minute.  I refuse to work on a lesson for two weeks, receive no feedback, only to have some last minute slapdash lesson sent to me at nine-something the night before.

Why don't students understand how much we do for them and care about them?  Don't they understand that when we talk with other teachers about the struggles we are having with individuals it is because we care and want to do a better job teaching?  I have worked in places where the teachers talked about the students in a vicious, catty way.  I will never forget when a colleague in another district referred to a student as "dumb as dirt".  I think that was the day I decided to no longer hang with the teachers in the lunch room in that school.

When I talk with the teachers I hang out with (and I can count the number on one hand and have fingers to spare), if a student's name comes up it follows one of two scenarios:  1.  That student did something funny, sweet, or notable or 2.  We are having trouble with that student and refuse to give up and are looking for another viewpoint or strategy.  Neither I nor the few people I associate with like hearing students talked about in a cruel way.  We love and care about them way too much.  If we are having trouble with a student and we talk about the situation with anyone, it is not malicious at all.  It is a last ditch effort to get feedback, ideas, insight, other angles, etc..  If we did not care about getting through to a student, we wouldn't even bother discussing the situation at all.

It's like this...

I recently heard that two people said/did something cruel regarding me.  My reaction?  Well, I already know that one of the people does not like me.  Therefore, her/his actions did not upset me.   The second individual?  Well, I thought we had a mutually respectful relationship, so that person's words hurt.  Basically, if I do not care about our relationship, I brush off anything cruel, disrespectful, or ignorant you say or do directed at me.  If I care about you.....  Well, that is when I get angry or upset.  Some of us teachers invest so much in the care, well-being, and futures of our students.  The relationships are so complex.  And when things go awry, we want to correct things.

I am not one to write students up at the drop of a hat for every little infraction.  My experience says that does not work in the long run.  If I am having problems with a student, I analyse.  I analyse her/his behaviour, my behaviour, outside factors, problems with how I am running the current project assignment, and so on.  I could never know what is going on in all the kids' lives.  But another teacher or student might.  I try to figure out the root of the problem.  It is not prying.  It is trouble shooting.  Usually it has worked.  This time, it was a total failure.  I need another strategy.  I have four days to come up with one.

Today was the big day:  I introduced the Individualized Assignment to Photo II.  I really wanted to be observed for this and run it as a stand alone lesson.  However, the toner in the laser printer is out.   This is critical to having the Zine project completed by Thursday, so that I could introduce the Indie project when we return to school on Thursday or Tuesday.  That would leave me enough time to have my department head plan to observe me.

Well, it didn't happen that way.  The toner ran out.  The replacement was not ordered in time.  The replacement came yesterday and it was the wrong one, pushing printability back two more days.  the students cannot do their paste up without toner printed work.  It would be huge waste to print on Bertha.  And the nearest printer is also running out of toner and printing unevenly.  Not the best situation to be in.  So, I had to be flexible and not grumble.  I pushed the paste up due date and moved up the Indie introduction.

The Indie project is probably my favourite of the whole year.  I work at least a week on coming up with a unique assignment for each student.  I base my choice on how I know them - personality, strengths, weaknesses, talents, eagerness to try something new.  The assignments are personal.  Differentiated instruction plan if there ever was one.  They don't even necessarily use the same materials.  Some students are taught new methods by me strictly for this assignment.

I also like letting the kids know how I view them as individuals with the kinds of assignments I come up with.  I mean it to be complimentary to them, but a challenge.  It's kind of like my valentine to them.  I heard that some little kid's teacher gave the class Christmas cards with a unique message to each child.  This is my version of that, just way less mushy.  I love watching and hearing the reactions when I distribute the slips of paper to them.  Today, I did get a bit of positive feedback.  Some kids in period 5 wanted to talk to each other immediately - discuss strategy for their work.  The reactions in period 7 were the best.  Some were actually excited and understood the compliment as intended.

I know this is a challenging project for them.  However, as I always tell them, I do not expect of them anything I would not expect of myself as a teacher or student.

When in high school, some friends gave me and anti-hex candle.  I was known as the jinx.  The candle didn't work, but it sure smelled nice; woodsy, patchouli-ish.  Bad vibes seem to follow me.  I have always wanted to get myself a little gris-gris to deal with the jinx-i-ness of me.  Thankfully, someone gave one to me.

Now here's the thing.... I have dysthymic disorder.  Diagnosed about seven years ago, it seems I have had it since I was in fourth grade.  That would be about 1982.  A long time. I have medicine I take daily and I have been doing much better over the past few years, but it will never go away.  I just make sure I take care of things and go to the doctors regularly.  I do my best to be good to people partly because it helps the situation.  I debated writing about this all weekend but figured, what the hell, no one reads this but one person and she knows my diagnosis.

You see, I am getting tired of how people treat each other.  There seems to be a growing tendency to treat others in ways that hurt a great deal, and that should not be.  There is a great disregard for people's feelings and situations.  Friday went rapidly down the sh*tter after a report from some students that a figure in the guidance office said something cruel about me, out loud, in front of them (I know not everyone is liked, but to say it in front of students was unprofessional).  I know I ruffle feathers here at work by my demeanor (I have been called aggressive; I prefer assertive), but I do my best to be friendly and helpful to everyone, including those I know have said things about me or tried to undermine my work.  I have never said no to any favour asked of me, as long as I was capable of doing it.  Many of those favours are of a personal nature, not professional.  I have spent countless hours of my free time advising people on equipment, photo issues, you name it.  I have lost lunch periods and even wrecked my account on the network due to helping someone with her Snapfish account.  I rarely, if ever, ask for favours.  I like to do it myself and am fearful of burdening already over burdened colleagues.  I love my job here and the fact that the kids are so great helps me get through.  So when I walk the halls with a smile and greet everyone with a friendly face, it is because I want to make everyone's day a little bit better.  I was moved down to Photo to fix a dying program.  I take pride in the fact that guidance has told me that the popularity of the program makes their scheduling job very easy.  It is a challenging class that kids want to take.  And I take anyone and everyone.

So when a person you thought you had a good relationship says what was said, it hurts a great deal.  This person does not know it, but when I used to do the yearbook, I covered for a great mistake she made.  An irate guardian called because his charges were not in the book.  He was threatening legal action.  This person was the point person for graduating senior verification.  She said they were not on our rolls anymore and therefore did not go in the book.  She was mistaken.  This was the one and only time I was ever called into the superintendent's office.  Her boss was there too.  I covered for her and claimed I did not recall who gave me the misinformation.  She had some personal family issues going on.  I did not want her to get into trouble at all.  It was devastating to hear what this person said on Friday.

Because of my lifelong issue, I make sure I run my class a certain way.  I do not like to hear kids talk about each other and do not put up with kids making fun of others.  I do not want cruelty and strive for a climate of respect.  I am also looking to make all my kids happy.  I do not want my kids to be sad.  I want them to feel some sense of pride in their accomplishments.  It is one of the reasons I strive to put at least one piece from every kid in our art show. I also keep my door open at all times for anyone who needs a place to go, colleague or student.  I make sure I deal with my colleagues a certain way.  My concern for them is genuine.  I don't fake friendship, but I will be a loyal colleague who will be there for you for anything I can help with.  I don't know how to say no and I do the best job possible when giving help.  No one knows what I deal with inside, but I manage to be there for anyone in any way needed despite all that.  I do not think I am "special" but I do try to give what others will not or cannot.

It is for these reasons that I am having a hard time dealing with the growing cruelty.  I will make sure I put on my happy face for the kids tomorrow.

It has gone downhill very fast here in Cafe 026.  Last week guidance had college on-site interviews.  Here's what I think happens:

College dip, I mean rep:  "Congratulations. Big Money University has accepted you.  You can relax now.  You are done for the year.  You are going to college in September."

Gullible student thinks:  "Wow.  I'm in.  I don't have to do any work for the rest of the year.  Cool.  And if I get a 50 in the last two marking periods, I still pass for the year."


Thanks.  Thanks a lot to the colleges.  To the guidance department.  To the kids who decide to be belligerent and disrespectful to those of us who insist on still trying to teach you.  Because you still have things to learn.  And we still have things to teach you.  It does not all come in a text book or in the bare bones of the assignment or the project.  There are incidental lessons we are trying to teach you.  We do not want to let you run roughshod over us and demand you get your bagel at 8.05 am, or use your class time to do work for your other class (which, my my, is taught by a man in most cases) when you owe us two projects.

Over the course of the week, I had some interesting conversations.  I find it amazing which teachers here are respected by the male students.  The manly men, the testosterone mountains....  They get the respect.  The kids will say they don't teach, but they like them.  They are "good teachers".  Yeah, you figure that one out.  The teachers who insist on still doing their jobs?  We just don't get it.  And most of us are women (or non-alpha males).  And do not coach.  And teach subjects that are electives.  We are unnecessary.  We are annoying.  And we just don't get it.  We shouldn't be giving all this work.

What the kids do not get it this:  Those testosterone mountains do not care about you.  I have talked to them or overheard their comments regarding their students.  They admit they hope the kids do not want to keep in touch after graduation.  One bragged about forgetting their names.  If we are still trying to teach you until the very last day of school, it is because we care about you and the job we do.  And when you need us after you graduate, we will be there for you.  We will celebrate when you get a big job, get engaged, get married, have a kid, buy your first house, make a big move, etc.  We will donate money, clothes, or help if you are in need.  Those other guys?  They won't remember you.  And we won't remember how poorly you treated us from January to June.  We will remember to show you love and care forever.

So there has been a lot of death lately.  Last night, a member of our staff passed away.  There's the death of the relative of an acquaintance I wrote about earlier.  And quite a few others I haven't noted.  In seemingly unrelated news, one of my groups in Photo II is doing a zine on generational differences.  One student is tackling respect and the apparent lack of it/disappearance of it.

So on the long drive home I got to thinking.  If everyone treated the people they value like they truly value them, would things be different?  When people die, so many people are so full of sorrow, but were you appreciative and respectful of that person when he/she was alive?  Did that person know you felt that way about him/her?  When a person dies, do they die knowing they were loved or die knowing they were taken for granted or unloved?  How does our treatment of each other play a role in that?

I look at the way people treat each other these days and see so much selfishness, such self-centered viewpoints, and inconsideration.  People are unaware  and ignorant of how much they hurt each other, or they just do not care.  They are also on the defensive when called out on that behaviour.  Yet, when in need, they use each other.   And if something horrible happens, they are so full of sorrow.

I think a lot about what I experienced when with family in Italy a few years ago.  There was so much respect, love, kindness, and genuine care.  Sure, there were arguments, kids getting scolded for bad behaviour, and other issues.  But at the root of it all, there was a vibe that I rarely see here.  And I rarely feel it.

So I wonder, have most people lost the ability to honestly love, care, and respect each other?  Sadly, I think so.  They'll just fake it at the wake.