The Photo I classes are now in the midst of their portrait shoots.  I set up the partners.  They do not choose who they pair up with.  I put a great deal of thought into this.  I consider the working styles, personalities, and unique traits of each person and then think about which pairing will create interesting or complementary working relationships.  The reactions when I announced the partnerships?  Dead silence in period 5; slight excitement in the other periods, mixed with concern about how to work with their partners.  Period 5 was a half a day ahead, so they had a jump start on getting to know their partners.  They were to interview their partners to get to know them and figure out how to approach photographing them, what to reveal to the viewer.  I was so happy with how Period 5 jumped right into it.  Everyone took out pens and papers and got right to sitting and talking. As I walked around the room, the conversations were so natural.  I didn't eavesdrop.  I just caught snippets of talk and what I heard was exactly what I wanted to hear.  Kids getting to know each other in a respectful manner with no judgment.

Then the shooting started on Monday.  I had one pair go while the rest of the class assisted and watched.  Yesterday had 3-4 groups in each class shooting.  I was so happy with how the classes did last year and this year is even better.  Students are eager to help and come up with ideas for each other.  The ideas the kids are coming up with are just so cool.  Props are being brought in.  If they need to borrow anything from another teacher, the responsibility for obtaining that item is on the student.  They are doing so well and it makes me happy to have a good week so far.

Some of the things that I keep in mind with this assignment are things from my other jobs.  If you are setting up a photo shoot for your client or publication, you are responsible for working with all involved to obtain what you need.  You need to find help and delegate.  You might not be working with a cooperative subject.  However, you cannot get out of the assignment and must find a way to get the job done.  You are responsible for the proper treatment of all equipment.  You should let the subject feel some control without relinquishing your own control.  Your editor might have specifics needed from the shoot and you, as the photographer, must meet those requirements.  This is why I have firm stipulations:  you must shoot in school; you must obtain all your own props; you cannot switch partners.  It seems that the students are getting this.  For instance, we had a simulated snow scene shoot in the hall during fourth period.  There was styrofoam everywhere.  There were two people directly involved in the shoot - the photographer and the subject.  However, there were many other hands involved:  one holding the blow dryer to simulate wind, two holding diffusers in front of the lights to avoid shadows, two helping toss the "snow", and one student videoing the scene for our records.   As soon as we were done with the "snow", two students got to work cleaning it all up without disturbing the shoot.  When all was done, there was no evidence left in the halls for anyone to have to clean up.  Well done.

It was a great day.  Then, after school. one student came to get something she forgot in the room.  She waited until the busses were gone and decided to put her film on the reel in the tank.  Then another student came to get his camera.  We ended up sitting and talking about books until 3.15.  It was such a nice teaching day. I might not be the most well liked person among my colleagues, but days like yesterday help me feel I might be doing something right with the ones who do matter.

Last week's highlight?  I repaired six cameras.  That's right.  Six broken film cameras!  While there were five Minoltas out for repair, I was able to repair six Vivitars.  To quantify that, I saved the school about $675 dollars.  How?  Well, my student teacher has brought in her magnification lamp from home. And that is how I was able to do it.  It kind of stressed the enormity of the problem within my department that the previously mentioned budget switching went on behind my back.  Because the people involved in that event have not ever fixed a camera, could not fix a camera, and have not ever made any effort to arrange for camera repairs at our repair shop.

When I attend our meetings, I no longer see the need to sit with people as some sign of solidarity.  I know what I contribute to this department and this school - a packed, quality photography program, countless hours on my clock, support and services to graduates and other members of the community, favours and support to my colleagues and administration.  We do not find employment to find friends.  I chose this career because of a desire and need.  I teach to spread my knowledge and love of the arts, enable teenagers to have a positive experience and exploring their talents/feelings/creativity, and to have a positive impact on their lives that will hopefully be carried on throughout their experiences after graduation.  I do not select a place of employment or a field in order to make friends.  If I should meet someone I have a great deal in common with and friendship develops, bonus.  I come to work to do my job, not to climb to the top of a social or career ladder.  Those things have no benefit on my students whatsoever.  As a matter of fact, since I made the conscious decision to remove myself from the toxic social environment in my building, I feel so much more present in the classroom.  I feel a euphoria when with my students.  I feed off their enthusiasm and I think they feed off my positivity.  I am also not bogged down by the petty drama and back stabbing that filled my life.  That means I can focus 100% on what my kids need from me.  I can pick up on a subtle change in demeanor much more quickly and help that student, whether the issue is class related or not.

This makes me feel like I used to when teaching.  I made such a mistake trying to be social here.  I can be cordial and cooperative without being social and this is what works for me.  For a couple of years, I was bogged down in the petty stuff because I did not want to offend.  But I know it affected my practice.  My students might not have noticed, but I did.  I am having such a wonderful time with my students this year.  The room is packed well before class each and every morning.  Students I do not even know are in this room socializing.  Why?  There is a welcome vibe.  The colleagues who used to sit here were very negative and that created a toxic climate.  I wondered why the room was not full of kids last year.  Now I know why.  It wasn't me.  It was the company I was keeping.  Kids used to come to my room to type work, print, study, or just relax and talk to me or each other.  Last year, that stopped happening.  Well, it's happening again and I couldn't be more pleased.

Oh, and the kids are doing phenomenal work.  Seriously.  We are amazed at the energy and talent.  This is the way it should be.

I went to possibly the only out-of-district workshop I will be able to attend all year.  It was fabulous. It was through a group I have received e-mails from for some time.  Through a colleague, our school could attend this one for free.  I was the second one there.  I spoke to a teacher who was the high school students of and is now a colleague of someone I had as an adjunct professor at NJCU.  He is also heavily involved with the subject of this workshop.  The discussions were nice and affirming.  How?  The issues that have been the norm here at my job are truly wrong.  The thing that is comforting is that it seems to me the current administration knows this and wants to fix it.

The workshop involved exercises that build up expression to culminate in a final project.  The ideas were fabulous.  While they were not for photography, I could tweak them to fit.  As a matter of fact, my student teacher has already planted that seed by having the P2 classes sketch their ideas for the latest shoot.  The theme of the workshop is a perfect match for the self-created unit that my student teacher had to create for her semester here.  The whole time I was in this workshop, I was thinking how this could be folded into her project.  When we met to discuss this, she agreed.

Will the students have an easy time of it?  Absolutely not.  They will grumble or struggle to grasp the concept and execute as will be expected.  However, this is right in line with our goal to continue the idea of Photography as Art.  In the past 2-3 years, I have seen a decline in ability to think creatively.  I attribute this to the oversaturation of snapshots passed off as "photographs" in the world our students now live in.  They do not understand the fact that anyone can make a "That picture is beautiful/ The best I've seen/ You are so talented" comment with no qualifications whatsoever.  We professionals have to battle this.  Yes, it's a nice snapshot.  At a family member's slide show we say we are looking at really nice pictures.  This is the equivalent of what kids today (and unfortunately, adults as well) think also means "You are a good photographer".  Not exactly.  Just because someone can make a cool looking doodle in a notebook, does that mean that person has drawing talent?  No.  Just because someone makes a cute little Spongebob out of Play-Doh, does that mean that person is a sculptor?  No.  But give a person a smart phone and a cool app or a DSLR on auto and you have a talented photographer.  Congratulations.  You have the money for your expensive toy, but you also need training, talent, original thoughts, and a desire/ability to communicate something.

I have had a couple of people believe that because they bought a DSLR and I said I like a picture they took, that they should/could start a photo business.  Well, first of all, I am an art teacher.  You are not creating art when taking sports/wedding/baby shots.  I am not denigrating that work.  But you want to talk to a business teacher, not me.  I see the work that has been produced by some of these people and the artist in me cringes.  Add to this the possibility that these people are part of this tight knit community and my students think those people symbolize good photography, and I think you comprehend my problem.  I cannot bad mouth the community members and say "Well, that is not good quality and it is not art."  But the fact is, it is neither.  Kudos to them for making money, but that is not what I teach or what I concern myself with as an artist.

So what is the solution?  Flood each project with artist examples.  I can no longer just show one or two photographers.  I must show at least four.  I will drum into their heads that they should be looking at art.  I am encouraging them to go to the galleries in Chelsea during the week off in November.  They are free.  There is no reason to say no.  Do they have a few minutes to spare while film is washing?  Here.  Look at this art magazine.Find the artists whose photographs you are drawn to and tell me why the work appeals to you.  If I press further with this kind of dialogue, perhaps they students will go back to being artists, not shapshot makers.  They will be able to tap into that creative process mush more easily, and my assignments will be challenging, but not like pulling teeth.

Today, a student told me she might go into teaching. I almost told her not to. In front of my student teacher. Why? I eat and spend my free time at work alone or with my students. The few people in the building who do talk to me anymore are too busy to socialize as well. The prevailing methods involve backstabbing, racing to the top, caring only about "winning", and knocking each other down. Our first concern should be our students, not getting revenge on those who do not fit in or play the game. Then I see the above online and I get nostalgic.




When you teach with these kinds of people, the profession is amazing. It is so energizing. I used to enjoy going to the AENJ conference because of how great it was spending a day surrounded by this type of teacher. But we cannot go to our conferences anymore - unless we pay for it. So I started thinking, is it the profession or the workplace?




Working with my student teacher has been invigorating and affirming. She went to school for art and her opinion regarding lots of issues is affirming. I no longer feel like I am being so negative or too critical. I have been thinking about my sister's old district. That was an amazing art department. The women and one man were working artists. They respected each other (except for one problematic woman who left). They were driven to have their students make art, not crafty stuff. The students drove the teachers to work hard as well. None of the teachers had an M.A, in administration. Do you know what that means? They were of the old stock. They saw the profession as lifelong. They were forever devoted to the student. I know that some teachers do have to move on to be administrators, but when I look around (and not just my building), I see far too many teachers who are just looking to move up the career ladder to be the boss. That is not what makes a good administrator.




In addition (and based on current school climate), I don't believe a school is the place for people who spend any time devising ways of getting revenge on co-workers, smearing people, judging others on how well they do or do not fit in. Our first concern is making this a positive environment in which the student can grow and learn. When your main concern is fighting your co-workers, gossiping, or brown nosing, the students pick up on this. They learn from you. You don't just inspire your co-workers, you inspire your students. I wish I had more of that around me. Luckily, for my student teacher and my students who enter the teaching profession, they will find jobs in places that will inspire them.

I have relinquished all of my classes to my student teacher.  I have read that some teachers have a hard time doing this.  I have had about five or six students teachers in my career and have never felt apprehension in handing my classes over.  I might worry about how the students will adapt to and treat the student teacher.  The art classroom can be a protective place, a place that fosters a family atmosphere.  That can cause the students to build a fortress around the group and refuse to let others in.  Luckily, my last two student teachers have gained the trust and respect of the classes and there was/is no fortress.   The woman I have right now is the best so far.  She took to the students right away and they took to her.  They can tell she respects them and has expertise and knowledge to offer.  The only problem is trying to make myself invisible to the kids.  They still come to me for help if she is busy.  I wish I was team teaching with her!  We bounce ideas off each other.  She has an art aesthetic that is true art, not crafty crap.  In some ways, it is like I have an equal colleague, not a student teacher.  Wow, would it be easier having a photo teacher to co-teach with or have an assistant.  But I fall behind, observe, and try not to be intrusive or possessive.  I want her to let me know if I am not relinquishing enough control.

Having said all this, the day she was out for the AENJ conference was back to normal.  And normal is not really "normal" in my class.  I was running around like a madwoman.  One girl marvelled at how much I have to be EVERYWHERE when dealing with the students.  It's just such a part of the way I teach and the way the class goes, that it just doesn't faze me.

Yet, my student teacher and I were talking recently.  She had just taken over and was re-evaluating how she did that day.  She pointed out what it took to be aware of what every single student was doing at each and every moment.  When a student requests help, you need to know exactly what point that student is at in the printing process.  You must be able to understand the question, evaluate the situation, and give the answer immediately.  If not, you lose the student.  Or more questions pile up.  You cannot have a line of students waiting, waiting, waiting.  Part of it is the short amount of time immersed in the work each period.  Part of it is the time sensitivity of the medium.  Part of it is the short attention span of the age group.  As a photo teacher, you are always on.  There is no slowing down.

That's the way I like it.  I hate being bored.  I hate having nothing to do.  That was one of the things I did not like when I worked in publishing.  Too much down time.  However, I am tired.  I wear myself out.  I am involved in three groups/committees in my locality.  I had to skip the monthly meeting this week for one of them.  I feel guilty, but I just could not do it.  There is work I can do from home, but that still doesn't make up for my absence.  I have another group's monthly meeting next week.  Then, that weekend, another group's meeting.  Then we have some actions we are supposed to take part in.  I just cannot do all of what I want to do.

I could just switch to straight, black espresso.  That would take care of the exhaustion.  But what I really is need more hours in the day.  At least I have not started to hear kids calling my name as I try to fall asleep at night.  Not yet.

Team Building Into a Corner

We have two full days of workshops coming up in November.  I am glad that we are now being offered choices.  For years, we were given stuff that had no bearing on what we teach at all.  While I am concerned that there will be an elementary slant to this - it includes the sending districts - at least I can find something that at least looks promising.

However, there is the ubiquitous "team building" crap.  Yes, crap.  I am getting sick and tired of this team building junk being the hot new thing in education.  Here's my perspective on this.  Team building does not foster cooperation due to the fact that in all team building experiences I have been involved in, you are a member of a group that is competing with other groups.  So, in essence, team building does not foster a climate of cooperation and camaraderie.  What it really fosters is a climate of competition, valuing the end result instead of the process, knocking the other group(s)/team(s) down.  I love basketball, but here's what team competition has done to that sport.  You are not a part of a team for the process.  You are a part of a team to win.  If your team does not win, you get yourself traded to another team so that you can win.  It is the same in all team sports.  Is that an example of team building for the betterment of the community?  No.  At the end of a sloppy, nasty game, all anyone cares about is if it was a "W".  Sure, there are no life consequences when I see this in a basketball game.  Did the Spurs win?  Yes?  Well, then I am a happy camper.  But in a school or town community setting?  Hell no.

I have been given the "you hate sports, you don't understand sports and team building" speech.  Oh, I do understand sports.  Trust me.  I have played sports.  I did not come to these conclusions as an outsider.  Some of what I believe and practice in my classroom comes from what I learned from my sports experience/coach.  I just don't believe we need to be fostering this idea of competition and desire to be able to tell everyone you are winning.  There is a loss in attention to and appreciation for the process.  And that process is where the majority of the learning comes from.  Are we teaching our students to work together to win a contest or to help others for a long term result?  I volunteer with three organizations in my town/county.  We work together on every single thing we do.   We assist each other in a selfless way.  That is something I have never seen in any team building atmosphere.

I have worked/studied in school districts that forced contests down the art teachers' throats.  There is little beneficial pedagogical content.  It is merely a means for the administration to tick a few more marks and lodge a few more W's.  But at what cost?  What is the benefit of a contest to the students?  There is little room for creativity and growth.  There is no attempt at mastery of skills.   If you take a look at the jurors for many of these contests, you will understand my point.  I prefer to have my students enter their work into consideration for publications and exhibitions.  When published or exhibited, that is a successful endeavour they can learn and grow from.  I might have group work in my classes, but I will never have team projects.  There will be no contests in my class.  There will be no voting for the best or the the winner.

Here is another thought:  After the win, what is there?  Where does one go from there?  Another contest/competition?  How does one take that win and make a positive contribution to his/her community?  I have not seen that in my 15+ years of teaching and 40+ years of living.  Yet when we work as members of the community as a whole to achieve a goal or improvement and we work together, there is a tangible end result.  That end result hopefully is a positive contribution to the lives of the community that can then be built upon.  The individuals who worked together in cooperation have learned from the process and the end result.  I think that is much better than being able to text someone the you are "winning."  Because, really, where can you go from there but down into self-absorbed isolation?  That's not where I want to be and it is not where I want my students to be.

Always have a plan b.  We were working on digital negatives in Photo II and those digital negatives are to be used to expose cyanotypes.  Well, Bertha, our darling Epson, was not working on Friday.  I sent our tech guy an e-mail.  No answer all weekend.  Then I tried again Monday morning.  She's alive, but not printing.  I sent another e-mail.  Nothing.  For him to not respond, you know he is tied up in something serious.  Really serious.  I paid him a visit third period and saw the stress on his face.  I asked if I should go with my plan b for period 8.  He uttered a tired "Yes".  For three days we went with plan b.  We frantically mixed lith film developer during our lunch.  The kids were instructed in period 8 on Friday.  Monday and Tuesday involved lith printing and prepping paper for argyrotypes.  The kids handled it well.  Confused, dizzy, but well.  The best part was having a student teacher who took it all in stride, because she has already taken over the Photo II classes so this was all her teaching.  And it went fabulously well.  I do feel like I have grown a few more grey hairs over the past seven days, but by the end of the day yesterday, Bertha had worked like a beast for two days, the cyanotypes looked amazing (even with no sunlight), and the kids were on track.  Phew.  I still do not know why this place does not like to get student teachers from NJCU.  They are so much better than what I have seen from MSU, but what would I know.

The intrigue of the week?  Hearing that something that I have been wanting to do for years is now being done by other staff members.  My problem is that I talked about it with people I thought were friends.  It turns out they are taking my ideas and running with them.  So they can do their gardening club and that is fine with me, but the deceit and theft I am dealing with so far this year is hardening my resolve that I must no longer befriend my coworkers and must see my time with my students as my source of joy.  It doesn't disappoint me. I know who I am dealing with.  It's more like that gnat that keeps flying in your face as you are hiking a difficult trail.  You have bigger things to take care of and this annoying little thing keeps trying to distract you.  I am also finding out that I will be pushed out of a project I was discussing with the the colleague who came up with the idea and was spearheading it.  Actually, we are both being pushed out.  I have a hunch I will end the year in lunch duty.  I am now in library duty for a reason.  I was requested because of plans to work in the MakerSpace.  The word is that I will be moved to the cafeteria when the MakerSpace is up and running so someone else can work in it/run it.

I was also told that the darkroom will be gone within a few years.  Not a school year goes by without being told this.  I know I will not be involved in that decision either.  However, that will be a great loss for the Guidance and Special Ed departments.  I have been told that what I did with the Photo program took a great load off of Guidance.  They could fill my classes for 10 period without having to resort to administrative pressure to tell kids to put my course at the top of the list to put bodies in.  The students WANT to take the class.  They do not have to be tricked into it.  I also take any and all students.  The case workers and CST know that I am a person who will take some of the most challenging students and successfully teach them and work with them.  You take the darkroom away and kill this program, you will not hurt me.  I already have a plan b for my next career if that happens.  You will be hurting the students of PV.  And that is despicable.

Always have a Plan B.

My work is neverending.  I had to drop off cameras at the repair shop.  I left right after period 8.  I still did not make it home until 4.30.  If anyone thinks I get away with something by leaving at the bell for this, they are kidding.  I would gladly let someone else drop them off and sit in that route 80 traffic on my way home around the Market Street exit for the chance to avoid the agita of this trip.  However, if I do not do it, it will not get done.  I tried it last year.  I refused to drop them off.  Did someone else volunteer?  Hardly.  At least the people at the shop are wonderful.  The woman I deal with was telling me about the equipment the repaired for another school.  First of all, 16 cameras repaired.  Sixteen!!!  I was drooling over that kind of repair budget.  Oh wait, I have no repair budget.  It comes out of my supply budget.  Then, here's the kicker:  12 enlargers repaired!  I told her I do all my enlarger repairs myself.  We could not understand how they paid for it.  I have a guess - a supportive school that values the program and budgets money for all students, not just select groups.

I feel anger at the careless way the students handle the cameras, but she told me ours are actually in very nice shape compared to what they see from other schools.  I looked at the Minoltas they had in the case and they were all $200.  Sigh.....  No money for that.  I will be scrounging on e-bay all year.  I have had a never ending battle for fair funding since they gave me this program and told me to fix it.  I just wish they knew how much money I save by soliciting thousands of dollars in donated equipment and doing my own repairs.

I had ordered a magnification lamp on this year's budget.  Somehow, between submitting it in December and some date in February, that item was removed after being marked "no bid" and a paper trimmer was placed on it.  My student teacher took pity on my attempts to repair a camera on Friday - maybe it was the resulting blood blister - and brought in her magnification lamp from home.  Within five minutes I was able to make the repair.  That paper cutter will remain in that box because I did not order it and all six of ours are indeed in working order, especially after I sharpen the blades myself.

I do not get paid any extra to do all this and I am getting frustrated.  However, the kids must never know.  All sunshine and roses in Cafe 026.

The kids are doing their first shoot this weekend.  So far, only three e-mails.   That's not too bad.  I hope they don't try to e-mail me at the last minute tonight.  I can't stand the procrastination, especially since I drill it into their heads that they must shoot 12 at one time and 12 afterwards and it must all be in daylight.  We are only shooting at 125 shutter speed, no supplemental flash.  They are quite impatient, but I have stressed the importance of slowing down while shooting.  I asked how many of them freak out if someone does not respond to a text in 30 minutes.  I bet the reality is they all react that way, but few raised their hands.  Whether it is processing a print, shooting, or processing the film, this class needs patience.  I felt like I was moving at a glacial pace this week with my camera and film loading instructions, but when I would ask if they hit information overload, I just needed to look at their eyes to know the answer.

I have a student teacher this semester and getting her feedback and responses is really helpful.  She felt like it was moving very slow too, but we forget how foreign all this film stuff is to kids nowadays.  Our instinct is to show everything and then expect it to have all sunk in, but that isn't the reality.

The main reason I hope the kids are having an easy time shooting is because of my packed schedule.  I volunteer with three groups right now.  I think I am overloaded.  I overbooked myself this weekend and had to skip one organization's meeting and canvassing.  I had one meeting this past week.  We had work in town yesterday morning.  There was also canvassing with another group yesterday but we could not do that and do the clean up.  Then, I have a wake today (a cousin passed away suddenly), I have to drive all the way out of the way to get school cameras repaired tomorrow, and I have more work to do online next week.  Then we have voter registration in Paterson on Saturday and plantings to do on Sunday on Main Street.  All this while trying to get everything at work done, take care of my gardens, and deal with a cat who is skittish and peeing on furniture.  While I can tell my students to slow down and take it easy, it seems I just can't.  The moment I do that little act of self-preservation, there will be someone to scold me for slacking.  There always is.  So I keep on going.

One student asked recently if I ever stop.  I said I don't know how.

I survived the first week.  We started on September 1, but I don't teach freshmen this year so I did not have any students until Tuesday.  For the second year in a row, I do not change rooms or have freshmen.  For the first time ever in my 15 year teaching career, I only have two preps.  Some colleagues might grumble at that, but I think I have certainly paid my dues over the years.  In those respects, the year has started off smoothly.

The rough part is that we are transitioning to Google Classroom.  I have been using my PBWorks religiously for years.  I like it.  It's easy for the students to navigate.  I have a homepage with the necessities, and you move on to the necessary page from there.  Google Classroom has no home page as such.  The items I have on my homepage end up having to be on each and every classroom's page.  A pain and a bit of overdoing it in my mind.  It is customizable and pretty as far as the images go, but for me, that just isn't enough.  We use it in class everyday and the kids are used to checking it already and it has only been a week.  I guess that is a good thing.

When I saw my rosters, it wasn't like last year.  Last year, I had a look at them and saw who I had and my heart skipped a beat.  I had so many kids I knew and liked.  Great work ethic kids, so-so work ethic kids who were a hoot, and kids I lobbied hard to take the class.  This year there were very few familiar faces.  I was not disappointed, but there was that question of what the dynamics of each period would be like with so many unknowns.  Well, what a bunch of kids.  I think the classes will be really cool.  I can already sense a unique class personality developing in each period.  They are clearly into the class and what we will be doing.  I am taking it slow - as usual - and I still see the glazed over eyes.  I keep forgetting this is a piece of cake for me but so damn foreign to them that I need to make sure I take it slower, but not to the point of sleep.  Today, we try our first photogram test strip.  Oh, the excitement.

I do miss the daily garden work.  Not only am I not there in the morning like usual, but we also have a massive rain deficit and the plants are starting to die off.  (They would be anyway with the colder nights, but it still stinks.)  I water with the rain barrels each day, but I can't water enough.  I also had an acquaintance over to pick something up and he wanted to see the gardens.  As I walked him around, I was aggravated with my shaded areas.  I need to do something with those spaces and avoid further garden humiliation.  He was polite, but the gardens were not as nice as when the weather is normal and not as nice and in bloom as they were in the middle of the summer.

Today is the last day of summer.  I end it with two black cats as residents.  I began it with a very sick Millie, who died on the second day of our vacation together.

I have taken a look at my schedule and rosters.  It all looks good.  There are some major changes in the building this year and there was a great amount of grumbling going on last year when the rumblings of changes started.  Me?  Well, when you've worked in so many districts under so many people, you just go with the flow.  I don't have to change how I teach my kids and the politics behind my teaching.  Those will not be affected.  A lot of what will be implemented is stuff I already do.

To be honest, I don't want to hear the rumours, bitching, and all the other things that came with associating with many of my co-workers.  The beauty of it is that I don't have to anymore.  The focus of a teacher should be the school, the community, and most of all, and the students.  My period 1 is Photo II.  That means I might have lots of the kids in early to work.  Hooray!  Time spent focusing on them will be time well spent and time away from negative influences.

I have so many things I do outside of work, things that cannot be neglected.  I was reminded of how nice it is volunteering when I was cleaning up the town's Civil War memorial.  A few people thanked me for the work as they walked by.  I also have three organizations I volunteer with and this Fall will require a great deal of work.  So there will be a slight change of focus.  And then there is the getting the new kids acclimated to living with hubby and me.  None of this extra work involves money in my coffers, and that has never been my point.  It feels good doing it, helping fix things that need fixing, and being appreciated.  It's not too much to ask.

We went to two car shows in one weekend.  Friday night, we went down the hill for the weekly classic car show.  It was a grand time.  I cruise on by the Corvettes and almost anything mid-60s and on.  I like the older ones.  The crowd was decent, but I did see one person touching a car.  I think I had a look of horror on my face.  I can't swear to it, but it is highly possible since that is a reflexive reaction in those situations.  

The next car show was a BBQ in Paterson at the car parts place hubby gets stuff for his daily driver VW.  This was going to be super cool because the scrap yard was open.   We were like kids in a candy store.  Holy whoa.  But that wasn't the best part.  The best part was rolling up and having some guys yell our last name when they saw us.  Two of hubby's bike riding friends from over 20 years ago.  I was so excited to see them and didn't even know if they would even remember me.  The older guys aren't able to keep riding the BMX bikes like skaters because it is a lot harder on the body so hubby doesn't see any of them very regularly.  But they love seeing each other and they did remember me.  It made my day.  We looked at the cars - and there were so many Mark II GTIs there.  We stood around, looking, nodding, and such.

It reminded me of some things.  I need to stick to the people I fit in with.  I should not compromise my tastes or principles for the sake of seeming picky or elitist - though how a corny little art making, freak music loving girl could be elitist is beyond me.  I remembered that these are the people who never made us feel like losers for living our lives differently.  Don't drink heavily?  Never did drugs?  Don't like contemporary entertainment?  Who cares?  It's all good with them.  They do things differently too.

I thought about this all night.  Basically, when I found myself on someone's deck, surrounded by people drinking beverages made from frozen drink mixes, swaying to Jimmy Buffett, I should have quit. I should have just gotten the hell out of there and away from that kind of environment.  I didn't.  I do not like to gossip.  I don't like crap music.  I don't like to gab about inane movies/TV/sport.  Yet, in an effort to make my work life bearable - and yes, mother's nagging about me being too closed minded was there too - I joined in.  And I am so sorry I did.  I am so sorry for even giving one second to those who spread lies about innocent co-workers.  I am so sorry for not being more firm and just leaving when I tried to defend people being gossiped about and they refused to listen. I have lost a great deal of time and compromised my principles.  I guess in the back of my mind, I always knew that I would be the next one, but you are never prepared for that.  

I have always been happiest and most comfortable with my students (at work) and people that are slightly abnormal (socially).  I always tell students to be themselves.  Yes, sometimes you have to hide real parts of you, but don't let your behaviour be a lie.  I have to make sure I do things different at work this year, when it comes to the social stuff.   Trying to be social took me away from students and from self-care, even though I spent every lunch and prep with those fabulous students.  Teachers have an incredible rate of burnout and exhaustion and the politics and back stabbing just get in the way of keeping one's sanity and doing the best job possible.  How can I tell a student to take care of him/herself when I am not doing the same?  

Here's the other thing.  I was so affected by what was being done last year that it took me away from Millie.  And then I lost her on the second day of the summer vacation.  Not letting this year be the same.  

I went camping for the first time last weekend.  We went to Pennsylvania where hubby used to go for an annual mountain biking weekend.  I had a blast.  I did so well on more advanced (for me, at least) trails, it was hot as hell, and we swam in the lake to cool off after the rides or hikes.

There was one thing ...

Confederate flags.  The first ones were a couple of houses in a row on the way to a mine.  Some stickers on cars.  The same stuff I see at home or anywhere a bit away from the NYC metro area.  Then we went to the lake for a swim.  I saw a man with his family.  He was wearing confederate flag swim trunks.  The right leg was blue with the word "rebel" in white.  The left leg was the confederate flag.  OK.  That's not appealing.  Then they family goes in the water.  And there are not just white people in the water.  There are mixed couples and their children.  There are black and brown people all over the place.  Confeddy daddy sticks with his family.  Then we see it.  A black teenager with three younger, slightly lighter skinned kids are in the water about fifty feet from Confeddy daddy.  And they are doing what everyone else is doing - swimming, relaxing, having fun.  Then it happens.  The teenager and the three boys start meandering closer.... closer.... closer to Confeddy daddy.  And hubby and I watch.  We see the man's body language change.  He can't look.  He is clearly uncomfortable.  Then he seems agitated as the four youngsters are closer.  Mind you, they were doing nothing wrong or intrusive at all.  Just moving around like so many others.  But they were not white.  And that clearly bothered Confeddy daddy.  It begins to look a heck of a lot like the teenager knew exactly what he was doing.  And hubby and I loved it all.  We were silently cheering the young man on.  Eventually, Confeddy daddy moves halfway across the swimming area to - you guessed it - an area with all white people.  

I kept thinking about this all day.  Pennsylvania is north of the Mason-Dixon line.  As is the state I live in.  So why do I see so many confederate flags?  After a summer of doing a lot of reading and dealing with some political volunteering, here's what I think.  I believe that if the swastika was not so forbidden, we would be seeing an awful lot of that along with the confederate flags.  This is because I think the use of the flag is not due to some Southern pride.  When you have little to no roots down south, that excuse does not wash with me.  I see so much hatred and racism from the flag bearers. Basically, the flag can be cloaked in the "pride" excuse, when it really symbolizes hatred.  When you scratch the surface of beliefs of the flag bearers, you find out there are problematic beliefs that go hand-in-hand with all of the racist history and associations of that flag.  There is no way in hell anyone could get away with displaying a swastika or any other symbol used by the Nazis.  However, that flag is an easy way to say the same thing.  

So why bother with this thinking and analyzing?  I do not allow myself to be friends with racists or homophobes.  But I cannot help the fact that I do get some as students.  And considering the type of climate we have during this election year, I anticipate having to deal with the display of this flag.  I have read a couple of articles with advice and arguments dealing with how schools can address it.  That does not mean it will make it any easier.  You see, there is that little freedom of speech argument that gets brought up when someone is told the display of the flag is not appropriate or allowed.  Yet, that symbol of oppression is not seen as a something that stifles the freedoms of a whole race of people.  My classroom is a place of freedom and I never allow hate speech.  I address it the moment it pops up.  How do I deal with symbols of hate that people claim are about nothing but pride?  I anticipate a long couple of months this fall.

So after Millie passed away, two people offered us cats who needed homes.  We were not ready at all.  I am not sure I am 100% ready yet, but....

A favourite student who just graduated let me know she needs to find a home for her cat because she is not able to take her cat with her.  Hubby agreed we'd look into it.  Then I saw a picture of her.  Damn damn damn.  She is a long haired baby.  I am allergic to cats and asthmatic, but I do ok with short hair cats because I have an air purifier in the house and medicate myself with asthma fighting herbs.  However, I can't live with a long haired cat.  I looked at a long haired cat when we were going to adopt Millie.  I touched the cat, then touched my face, and massive itching.  So I had to let her know I couldn't take her fur baby.  And I have been feeling non-stop guilt since then.  I feel like I let one of my best students down.  I have to find a way to get over this, but it sucks.

We also went to two shelters.  First was Mount Pleasant in East Hanover.  We liked a lot of the cats.  We think some of them liked us.  But one thing nagged at me.  All of them were only there for a few months.  I was surprised.  Hubby noticed the same thing.  When we adopted Millie, there were cats who had been there for years, not months.  Then the student's cat came up and we agreed to consider that.  Once that became a "no" we went to Pequannock.  We found out that they have a lot of black cats because people are skittish about black cats.  Where are all the goths?  There are also many adults.  Almost all of the adults there have been there at least a year.

I always knew kittens were adopted easily.  That's why we liked that Millie was an adult, came from a home that rejected her, and she picked us.  We know we want to give a home to someone(s) who will otherwise not get a home.  The woman at the shelter had a sad story about almost all of them.  I just cannot believe why people give up a pet.  I am also so adamant about adopting and not buying from a breeder.  My mother says they sussed us out as soon as we walked in.  I don't care.  I love my students, regardless of back story.  I love fur babies, regardless of back story.  So I got the call yesterday that our application was approved.

We decided that we need to adopt with time to acclimate the newcomer to the house.  The best way to do that is before I go back to work.  We look to get two to keep them company due to the fact that they have lived nearly their whole lives in the shelter and will not have an easy time in a lonely home alone.  We also decided to make it two black ones.  I knew I made the right choice when I told the shelter lady who we were thinking of and her eyes teared up.  I also need to make sure I have someone to come home to after the workday.  First, I work with some of the nastiest beings I have ever encountered in my work life.  Having Millie was a life saver.  Second, it keeps me from overworking myself by having someone to play with, relax with, and take care of.  Third, we can donate all the money and food we want to shelters but that doesn't take care of the main problem.  Cats need homes.  We have a home.  It makes sense.  I also have a sense that Millie is OK with this.  She knew what we needed and gave it to us.  She knows we still need her but she can't be here so someone has to help out.  She'd hiss the buggers out of the house if we adopted while she was alive, but I know she understands.

Yesterday was one month since Millie's death.  I am still hibernating, but I have to force myself out of town soon....

We had purchased tickets to see a band in NYC so I left town last Tuesday.  I drove us to park in Jersey City.  The last time I had made that trip was the Friday night of a student photo show in June at the Soho Photo Gallery in Tribeca.  It was a wonderful night and a wonderful show.  The last great night for me for some time.  I was stuck in so much traffic.  We rushed to get the show set up.  But all went so nicely.  There were students who came with friends, family, and boyfriends.  Those with friends or family who lived in the city had those people come and they were happy to be there.  I even had a very nice time talking to the parents I had had some trouble with earlier in the year (my fault and I still feel so horrible about it).  We even had people come in off the street.  Someone was heard to say in astonishment "This is a high school show?"  At the end of the night, we made plans to do it again next school year and thought of ways to make it better.  As I walked back to the WTC PATH train with my bag of photos and my camera at the ready, I had a spring in my step.  It was a beautiful night, the city streets were buzzing with life, cafes and restaurants were full, and it was how I remembered it used to be walking in the city before it became a rich person's shopping mall.  I even found myself liking the new PATH station - I tend to hate modern architecture.  I went and danced the rest of the night away at my regular place.  It was my last night of happiness and it was good.

One thing nagged at me.  It was a question asked by a student at the show.  "Where is the administration?"  He asked this a couple of times.  I shrugged and said I didn't know.  But it bothered me.  Not because I wanted anyone to come for me but because it means something to the students and parents to see that the higher ups see the importance of an out of district art show.  As far as I know, this is the first time there has been a gallery show of only PV student art.  Everyone who needed to know, knew about the show.  None of them came.  And no, it was not a rough trip if you went in for the show.  I encountered traffic because I had to go in at rush hour to set up.  Those who came just for the show had no trouble whatsoever.  I have only had an admin come to one of the shows out of district in the past several years.  And that show involved other teachers.  Photo stuff?  Nah.  I have taught in this district for many years.  I have come to accept this.  However, this is the first time a student asked that question.  And that is what troubles me so much.

There were so many things wrong with this past school year.  So many disappointments and hard times.  My students were my saviours at work, Millie my saviour at home.  Someone made what I think was an attempt at an apology on the last day of work.  I will take what I can get, no matter how feeble.  My feelings have never mattered at this place.  However, the feelings of the students do matter.  And though I always do my best to make the students in and out of my classroom feel that they matter, I must do so even more this year.  They are nearly the only ones who treat me with respect and know how to selflessly apologize if they hurt me.  They also need to know that they deserve respect.  That student felt disrespected and insignificant by the lack of administrative presence and I need to make up for that.

A Self-Imposed Exile

So on June 21, my beloved Millie passed away.  We are devastated.  We have no children.  She was our everything.

My school year was not to end on the same not it began.  Co-workers I once thought were friends and had since relegated to acquaintance status proved to be deceitful, cruel individuals.  I realized I had been used for several years and all the help, advice, and/or solace I gave over the years meant nothing in their quest to make it to the top.  So be it.  At least I had my wonderful students at work and Millie when I got home.

In May, Millie was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism.  At her check up in June, she showed progress in putting on weight.  She was still the same old frisky, fun, sass girl we have loved for 10 and a half years.  That was the Saturday before the last week of school.  This is a time of year that is hard for me because I have to say goodbye to my students who are graduating, the kids I have seen progress as artists and young adults.  It is always followed by a time of longing comforted by Millie's presence and the beginning of a relaxing summer vacation.

On Tuesday night, Millie woke us with a furious mouse chase - one parent and one child.  Hubby caught the parent and released him/her down the hill.  Millie came up to bed with us, purring like a champ.  The next morning she didn't eat.  Not uncommon after a chase like that.  She might have even caught the baby and eaten it.  We went out to dinner for our 20th anniversary that night.  She still wasn't eating.

Thursday, with all the stress of getting my grades in and the sadness of the last day with my kids, we ended up bringing Millie to the ER that night.  She was running a very high fever.  The source?  Possibly and infection of unknown origin.  We were baffled.  She does not go out.  We have few to no visitors.  No shoes are worn in the house.  We have no other pets.  The only place she went was the vet.  At first, I got the feeling the ER vet thought the infection was due to some carelessness on our part.  As she heard more, she showed a change in demeanor and seemed concerned about the mysterious source of the infection.  Her x-rays showed the regular slightly rounded or enlarged heart and a healthy colon full of poop.  Just this damn infection and fever..  Which could be very damaging.  We brought her home with a prescription for antibiotics.  In addition to this, at our union dinner earlier that evening, I find out that there has been petty drama and lying regarding my LAT position and actions.  While no one knows what is going on at home, is the end of the year dinner really the time to bring this up when it has apparently been going on behind my back for weeks?  Apparently my colleagues think so.

Friday, Millie was weaker and still not eating.  I had to go to work, knowing I had to get her to the doctor before I had to get back to work for graduation.  The union bullshit continued that day and I found out that a whole hell of a lot went on without my knowledge.  I realized that yet another individual I counted on had deceived me.  On top of all this, it is quickly dawning on me that Millie might not make it.  I took her to the vet and he is confounded by the source of the infection.  I am given special food, a feeding syringe, and instructions on hand feeding her along with an additional antibiotic.  The vet tech tells me her cat had something similar and was fine after seven days on the antibiotic.  At this point Millie is hiding and not playful at all.  Leave there with some home that this will right itself in a week.   I make it to graduation, watch my darlings graduate, knowing we will never see each other again.  Millie is still not eating and even worse.

The weekend is spent in a struggle to feed her.  I know something isn't right, but follow all instructions.  All we do is hang out with her.  I skip going to a friend's birthday celebration at the club and sleep with Millie all night on the sofa, hugging her.  By Monday morning, she starts to show some spark.  Even my mother sees this.  It was not to be.  After returning from a doctor's appointment, while preparing dinner, Millie starts to breathe funny, with her mouth open,  Her skin and gums start to look a little yellow, liver signs.  Her temperature was dropping and her paws were cold.  I call the ER.  They tell me to bring her right away.  I drive her there with my hand on her carrier pleading with her not to die.  They took her right away.  She was put on a breathing machine, her temp kept dropping.  She was possibly going into organ failure.  We left here there overnight but we did not sleep.  We knew she might not make it through the night.

At a little after 6.00 am, we got a call.  She was not doing too well and had nearly maxed out on the three types of medicine.  We went straight over.  We hugged her and kissed here.  Let her know how much we loved her.  They were taking such good care of our baby.  Hubby couldn't handle being in the room, so it was just me and Millie when she was put to sleep.  The tech who brought her in was near tears.  I think, in some way, Millie's special-ness was clear to those who encountered her, even in the ER.  I hugged, kissed, and soothed her as she went to sleep.

Her ashes and a last paw print are encased and on a sideboard in our dining room.  I spend my summer days gardening, reading, and watching the birds, chipmunks, and squirrels in the yard.  It is incredibly lonely, but we are working through it.  In one week I lost my beloved students and my baby Millie.  The people who have been the kindest are the former students, family, and my club friends.  I miss her a great deal.  This house is too big and too quiet.

Last night was another town meeting.  There were only five of us and it went so well.  We are re-habbing a blight of a building at the bottom of Main Street and it is going amazingly well.   We finished early so we talked for 45 minutes about a new local business.  We discussed ways for the owner to improve it.  We came up with a ton of ideas and have a very loose plan to move forward with.  I got home and called my mother to get my uncle involved in trying to give advice to this guy.  I was so pleased when I got home that it made up for the past few weeks.

If you have been reading, you know that the kids have been particularly challenging.  But that comes with the job, and it gets worse every year.  And it cannot be taken personally and is not professionally threatening.  However, I work in a very gossipy place and people seem to delight in bringing bad news to the subject of the bad news.  So the word is that I will not only lose the darkroom because they do not value the art of photogrpahy - I mean they think digital is the only future - but it is also part of a revenge plan by a person or persons in the building.  Why do adults like to bring bad news to people?

So there is this whole STEM/STEAM initiative in U.S. education (and in places like the U.K.).  I am all for it.  However, not to the detriment of other courses.  In the past 20 years, school districts got rid of all the practical and vocational programs to make way for computer labs.  They are regretting that now.  Our state department of education has changed their goal from college AND career ready students to college AND/OR career ready.  Education is realizing we need the trades and need to give our students opportunities to experiment and gain experience in them before deciding how to proceed after graduation.  The problem is, all the equipment was dumped or auctioned off.  And the equipment costs a great deal to replace.  The rooms were altered too.  Politicians have convinced the tax paying public that schools are drains on the tax payer and we must tighten our belts.  So with detrimental spending restrictions - or dumping all money into sports that do not benefit 100% of the population - we have no money to bring these programs back.

Shift now to room 026.  There has always been anger and resentment towards photography once it was brought into the Art Department in 2006.   Photography IS an art.  And with digital, it is also a technology.  It is one of two classes in the department that is, in its current state, both.  So why this push to get rid of the darkroom?  Well, some administrators think they will win bonus points with the board of ed if they can save them money by getting rid of the darkroom.  But here's the thing:  If you want me to run this solely as digital, the equipment you will have to invest in, the software, the materials, the printers, ink, and such will blow that darkroom budget out the water.  You will wish you never got rid of the darkroom.  If you really want this to be ther right kind of digital program, know that you will have to buy a plotter printer, all the inks, dozens of DSLRs, mountains of digital paper, I will need my own 3D printer, I will need a laser printer (if you want to really proceed technologically) and its needed materials, memory cards, various new lenses (because if you really want the best sports shots to be taken, I need better lenses) and filters, additional software (I will need Lightroom), much more studio equipment and lighting, and I could go on, but I think you get the picture.

Are you sure you want to do this?  Because if you don't want to make the necessary investment to make it a good digital-only program, and keep the kids interested in taking a class in which they truly learn (as they do now), then here is what you will end up with:  A half-assed program that benefits very few students, and you will need to find somewhere else to put 160 kids.  Talk to Guidance about that.  Talk to the kids.  Talk to the graduates.

I might also ask what your real intentions are if you are not also proposing getting rid of traditional drawing and sculpture classes.  Those arts can be replaced with mechanical drawing and a class that has a 3D printer and can make monsters and robots (like oh, say, robotics).  Dump the art and go all tech.  So what are the real intentions here?  Saving money?  Finding extra space?  Brownie points with those in charge?  Or a sound education for the students?  It's about time we start looking at the bigger picture in education.  Tunnel vision has not gotten us anywhere.

So I was thinking about my QBAs for Photo II and AP.  I already have the one for Photo I set and it is a matching scantron format.  I have been thinking of how to make the other two tests more "PARCC like" as requested by administration.  It will be one hell of a test for kids to take in the last week of the year, but oh well.  I have it all set in my mind and will type it up tomorrow.  Then I realize, duh, the majority of my journal entry assignments have been "PARCC like".  How?  The students usually have to read an article related to photography and respond to a question.  This is never a yes or no type of response.  It always involves some sort of analysis and explanation of one's answer.  Therefore, the students should not be surprised by the format nor should they complain at all.  It will be familiar.  And all year I have been sweating how I can do this....  Derp.

More good news?  I did a hell of a lot of work on this day off.  I did laundry, put the ladder in the pool, vacuumed the pool, cleaned the pool ledges, lifted and tied up a bunch of low hanging peach tree branches, removed diseased leaves, mowed and trimmed the lawn, updated the two political facebook pages I run for tomorrow's election, and hung the corner pieces in the dining and living rooms to prep for hanging the ceiling trim.  Phew.  The adrenaline rush from all that work should keep me happy through all the bs I will encounter tomorrow (nasty co-workers and disrespectful students who think the year is almost over).

Then this evening, hubby carefully asks me if I overdid it.  He never asks in that tone.  Apparently a co-worker of his was in the hospital due to high blood pressure.  She overworked herself and stressed herself to the point that her BP shot up.  According to him, she is a lot like me with always being on the go and taking on a billion things.  No worries here, I told him.  My blood pressure is always good.  So if I have some down time while on lunch tomorrow, I plan to make my summer project list.  One of the things will be to clean up my photo printing table in the basement.  I started last night and it felt good to prep the space for printing again.

How is one expected to teach seniors in June considering the haphazard schedule of the previous weeks?  Let's see: weeks of state standardized testing, days off from unused snow days (hooray!), our art show (hooray!), seniors come in fourth period on the days of state Biology testing, and the prom and graduation are looming or here.  I don't know how any of us are keeping these kids focused.  One girl told me when her teacher tried to get the class to take notes, the class just laughed.  No parent or guardian wants to deal with these kids right now.  And we are still trying to teach.  My non-seniors are working on their projects like crazy.  Periods 1 and 2?  Damn, the work is great and the energy is electric.  Periods 5 and 7?  Ugh.  Just ugh.  And they know they are getting zeros for class participation and they will receive zeros for not completing their projects.  But they just do not care.  Why?  They have done the math and know that with the automatic 50 on the report card, they still pass for the year.  Even though these are the top failing grades I have for this marking period:  7, 8, 9, 11, 12.  Yes, you read that right.  And they are proud of it.  But there are no ramifications whatsoever.  You might say "write them up!' and to that I say "that doesn't make a difference."  What do they get?  A detention or two? It makes no difference at all.

My suggestions?  First, skip the BS of letting seniors come in late on days that have testing they are not involved in.  The fact that they can miss those early periods sends a message that the learning in those classes is inconsequential.  Nothing is really being missed.  The other thing I would fix is let the fourth marking period grade stand.  Do not bump that up to a 50.  Bumping the fourth marking period grade up disproves the reasons given for the practice in the first place.  If the students grades are so low for the first three marking periods, there has not been a turn around in effort, therefore the grade earned should stand as is.

I will keep trying to teach this week.  I have the projects due, there will be one more journal entry for my level two classes, we have QBAs to prepare for.  I am not done despite what the students try to tell me.  You see, I teach in such a way and have expectations that mirror my work ethic as a teacher and student.  I worked until the very last day of school and I expect my kids to.  I never had such disdain for my teachers to brush them off when they were trying to teach me.  I hated school.  I had personal things going on.  I get it.  But I never slacked and never stopped trying.

Day 5 of our glorious five day weekend courtesy of a nearly snow-less winter.  The temptation to start typical summer projects grows but I resist.  Why start the project when the summer vacation has not yet started?  However, I have started some summer mode routines:  coffee and reading after breakfast (in the comfy chair in the dining room), hours spent in the garden, tons of reading, listening to lots of music, burning summer incense, Millie nap time.

The best part of all this so far?  My horrible across the street neighbours are gone.  The house was foreclosed - finally - and I now have some peace and quiet.  This might seem heartless but not without reason.  The mother was a racist, homophobic, anti-Semitic drunk and the kids were following right in line.  We have a pile of papers with her nasty quotes to her kids.  She used to sing "Dreidel Dreidel" when we would plug in the blue lights on our porch.  They dumped a dead baby skunk on our property once.  She drove drunk.  A lot.  No one on the block liked them.  She never made a real effort to work even when the husband was out of work.  Yet the beer kept on flowing.  I feel sadness when my students or other undeserving people lose a home due to deception or cruel circumstances.  This bunch?  I think I danced a little jig when the moving truck was in the driveway.  So now when I work on the plants in the front, I do it without hearing her horrible voice.  I no longer have to pick up garbage they have dropped in the street.  I no longer have to discuss with hubby if the latest incident warrants a call to DYFS - though some state employee friends have heard momma in action and said they would have called.  We can sit in our living room at night reading, listening to music, or watching PBS and not have to shut the window to drown out their voices.  The peace is strange, but so nice.

Speaking of drunks, while I cannot wait to see my kids again tomorrow, there is one thing I am not looking forward to:  The refusal to work because they must talk about all the drunken drama from their beach escapades.  Honestly, I do not see how anyone can spend five days with all the same people in that kind of environment and not want to leave it all behind, very quickly, but that's me.  If you think the kids are going down the shore for wholesome fun in the water, you are deluded.  But we keep our blinders on.  Me?  I never did it, wasn't allowed and it didn't appeal to this straight edge leaning gal.  But that isn't why I don't want to hear it.  I am a teacher, it is not yet summer, and we have work to do.  We have projects to finish and exams to prepare for.  And none of you are 21 and you shouldn't be drinking.  I can't fathom seeing the end of the year come and having a bunch of unfinished photo projects.  I will also be saying goodbye to most of my kids.  I have a lot of seniors and I will most likely never seem them again.  I want to have a wonderful close to the year and I don't want that marred by struggle.  But I know I will have some colleagues who will coast for the next two weeks.  They will play movies, diddle on their phones while the kids chat or sleep.  I have stuff to get done.  I have another show to prep for.  I need to photograph all the work before returning it to the students.  I'm not stressed yet, but I just do not want to have to deal with hearing about drunken debauchery.  I got rid of that BS on my street, and I don't want to hear it at work.  I'd rather chat with the kids about how to solve an issue with a project or talk about some cool pictures they shot over the holiday or some cool exhibits coming up over the summer.

Another Art Show down.  As usual, I had a great time.  This year's bunch of helpers were wonderful.  Some might questions a couple of my choices, but they proved themselves worthy.  Other teachers might have seen who I picked (two in particular) and thought I made a stupid mistake because they would never have selected them. However, watching those kids work their asses off helping me and other teachers was really nice.  As a matter of fact, this was the smoothest set up in a couple of years and I give full credit to my kids.

Last night's turnout was a bit light.  I think a lot of families might have already headed away for the long weekend.  I camped out by the photo stuff, nary a colleague in sight and that suited me fine. I saw so many former students.  So many of them talk about how they miss the class.  Some keep shooting.  Some take a photo class in college.  Some even do side photography regardless of the major.  One gal shot for Smithville and they used her images on their website.  I will be meeting her for coffee after the school year ends.  We have a lot to catch up on.  I talked to her and a couple of others about politics and the volunteer work I do.

I always ask for feedback from the alumni.  The consensus was that this year's photography was great. They thought it keeps getting better.  Some are bummed to see new processes they didn't get to do, but I console them with the fact that they did things I didn't do this year.  The positive feedback regarding the work and the new set up was good and I took it all in.

I also talked to a lot of family members.  There were even a couple of kids who were working but their family came.  That meant a great deal to me.  A student cannot help the work schedule, but the work they do with me means enough to them that they want to make sure the people that mean the most to them see the results of their effort and creativity.  Those kids whose parents didn't or refused to see the significance of this were on my mind as I drove home.  I just know that there are some kids who have no one who gives a sh*t and I feel rotten about that.  I am immensely proud of the work they do, and I wish that was enough.

So the other big thing on my mind on the drive home?  The threat of losing the darkroom.  It looms bigger than ever right now.  Apparently, the autism/inclusion program is expanding and the word on the street is that the whole hall will be for them in a couple of years, including my room.  Photo is not supposed to go away, but the darkroom will be gone.  No one says that the whole program as is will be moved,  The word is that no darkroom - photo will be only digital.  Well, if you pay any attention to what goes on at the art show you will learn one thing:  The darkroom is the heart of the program as I run it and I am the one that was given the task to revive the program in 2006.  It is the foundation of it, it is its strength, it is what enables most of the kids to succeed.  Take a look at some of the names on those name tags.  Then take this in:  That work is most likely made in the darkroom.  That means this:  That student learned how to operate a manual film camera, take photographs on black and white negative film, develop that film, and then make enlargements in the darkroom.  Every single kid has done that and none of them had an aide.  Let's put it this way...  There are years that the pile of classroom adjustments from IEPs of the kids I have is so thick, it lands with a loud thud if I drop that pile to the floor.  Any and every kind of learning disability, emotional disturbance, physical disability, developmental disability?  I get them.  The Child Study Team knows this.  The head of the Special Ed department knows this.  Guidance knows this. And I rarely have kids drop my periods.  That cannot be said for other teachers.   Hell, this year, I even had a girl in period 6 who took one of the kids from the inclusion autism program and had him print in the darkroom.

And you think you can just get rid of the darkroom?  For what?  To save money?  To gain square footage?  If this school does that, they will prove just how little they care for the good of the whole student body.  We already know that the kids feel that the sports kids are the only ones that matter here.  However, with our new super, that feeling might just change.  But if you get rid of the darkroom for the inclusion program, you might be giving the people who run that program what they claim they need.  But you will be taking something away from students who have no advocates and never speak up for themselves.  One example?  There was a student a few years ago with incredible anxiety.  He was on home instruction for some time. There might have been depression issues as well.  He even started crying with me at one point his senior year.   A boy, crying to a female teacher...  in PV, testosterone central.  Let that sink in.   However, he now runs his own photo business.  Successfully.  He gives my program a little bit of credit for that because he had success in my class.  Those are some of the kids that will lose out if you get rid of this darkroom.

To be honest, I am mentally ready to go at any point.  I know I can be RIF'd.  Any teacher of a special has to be mentally ready in this high stakes testing climate.  I have had arts teacher friends who have been RIF'd.  But the harm that will be done to the kids will be on the consciences of those who make that decision to decimate this program.  Oh, and I have always been the only teacher in this department to have to deal with this threat.  I have been moved around, told to fix photo, expanded both programs I taught (yeah, I expanded Sculpture years ago too).  I know it is all part of the game in this place, but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow.

So I am on shaving strike.

I teach in a pretty sexist, misogynistic district.  I shouldn't be offending anyone here.  The machismo is worn proudly.  So I have several male students spread out over the five periods I teach who have the scruff going on.  A majority of them keep it rough, unkempt, ragged, uncombed, ungroomed.  It is pretty much the same with their hair.  To be honest, I could not care any less.  I know my personal style is nowhere near anyone else's idea of cool or in.  However, I am always hearing the conversations that express what these boys think of how their female peers look and groom themselves.  And there is most certainly a double standard going on here.

Asked to clarify their personal style and what is going on, one is met with a defiant "This is how I am", "take it or leave it", "it's my right" attitude.  And they are right.  No one should be told how to look.  No one should be told how to dress.  No one should be told to change one's style.

However, dig a little and you find a hypocrisy just under the surface.  When I asked what they thought of a female who does not shave, I was met with an interesting answer.   The girls should shave.  Why?  "Because they are girls."

Oh.  Really.

Instant mental flashback to:

• the son of an employee who was beating his girlfriend during his cocaine rages; the girl refused to admit anything was going on, graduated and nothing could be proven or done
• the boy who told a female classmate to "Come here, baby" and she blindly complied until I intervened with a speech about why she should not be spoken to or ordered around that way
• the student who was raped while drunk at a party and refused to admit it was rape because she was drunk, never mind that she was unconscious when raped and bloody as a result
• the male colleague who reminisced with me about "the gold old days" when the male teachers could stand at their doors in between classes and ogle all the girls in mini skirts; I was unable to formulate a response, I was so dumbfounded
• the fact that the boys think that if they ask a girl to the prom, she should know that the favor must be returned later that night; if she doesn't want to sleep with him, she shouldn't accept the prom invite (I tried so hard to address this one, but the kids shut me out)

And on, and on.  And so my strike might seem trite, but it is part of a much bigger picture here.  I am sick of the misogynistic attitudes of the men in this district.  I know it is not all the men here, but it is the majority.  And our efforts to reframe the male student's thinking is damn near impossible considering the fact that they have grown up for 13-14 years learning from the men they look up to before they get to us.  Those men might treat their kids poorly, the kids' mothers poorly, and any other females they come across in the day-to-day business of just living.  But put the machismo and testosterone on display and your son will look up to you and worship you as an example of toughness.  Because that's the way a real man has to be, right?  Try to use a kinder, more humane male peer as an example to these students, and you are disregarded.  Someone told me yesterday that we have come so far from the oppression women dealt with like in the 1950s.  Yes, but today's oppression is more hidden, more subtle, but still very present.  And that is not ok.

Me:  "Did you listen to my show, mom?"
Mom:  "I thought it is tomorrow night."
Me: "No.  It was tonight."

So I had what might be my last radio show during Alumni Takeover Week.  The station is apparently cutting out playing real music, I mean playing cd's.  I do not have mp3's.  I buy vinyl, cassettes, and cd's so if this policy remains, last night was my swan song.  And, I was forgotten.  Again.

"You never ask for anything."

That was my mother's reaction and apology for again forgetting something involving me.  And that is why I have been having such a rotten year.  I don't ask for much, if anything at all from family, friends, co-workers, and so on.  I have rarely said no when asked for help or a favour.  I spend countless hours proofreading written work by colleagues.  At times, the low level words and grammar made me groan.  Spouse cheating on you?  Significant other dumped you?  Having trouble with your students?  Need your paper for your graduate class worked on?  Need a photo scanned/ worked on/ printed?  Need the house looked after while you go away?  Need some cooperation with a community member's request?  I'll do it.  Unfortunately, this has meant nothing.   So I quickly and firmly cross the ungrateful and ungiving off my list.

So when I go to my mailbox and find a wonderful thank you note for having done something that was merely a part of my job, I am floored.  The sincerity coming from a person who has been maligned by others made me feel wanted and appreciated.  This is the second time this year that is has happened.  Both grateful people are women who have been bad mouthed but never listened to.  If you take the time to sit down with someone and hear their stories, you might get some insight into how things got to be the way they are.  If you try your best to be a good friend or colleague, and you are met with cruelty, inconsideration, and ingratitude, you eventually give up.  And I cannot blame them.

People want help, favours, freebies, more, more, more from others.  Yet they are unwilling to give of themselves.  If they make a misstep or their selfishness is called attention to, your generosity is forgotten.  And if they ever realize they made a mistake, you will wait a long time for an apology.

So how does this relate to teaching?  The most recent chapter I read in my copy of "Anarchist Pedagogies" had to do with the connotation of what an anarchist society and what the reality would be.  It has to do with solidarity, support, and cooperation.  There are no takers.  There is no guilt.  Every individual knows that if a need arises, there are many who will fill that need willingly.  And there is the knowledge that that effort and kindness will be returned when needed.  No guilt.  Just goodness of heart, offering of specialized skills, true cooperation.

I hear so much "cooperation" and "collaboration" coming from peoples mouths lately.  Blah, blah, blah.  With the majority of people, it is a one way street.  How can we truly have our kids and students grow up to be positive contributors to society, willing to help when needed, caring for others, when most of us have no idea what that means?  We live in a time of expectations of assistance and help from others without the willingness to give back.  I love what I am reading right now and work so hard to have a classroom environment that is positive but I just don't think it is enough.

The building ran out of tissues a couple of weeks ago.  This happens every year around allergy season.  However, this year it is particularly problematic.  That is because some colleagues need the tissues to wipe the sh*t off their noses.  I never have and never will be a butt kisser.  I wish said co-workers were the same.  It is nauseating seeing all the kissing up going on in meetings and e-mails.  I am tired of all the smooching going on in the "reply all" responses filling my inbox.  Meanwhile, those with the most brown dripping from their noses are trying to dig dirt up on those they kiss up to.  That is a game I will not play, regardless of the guilty parties trying to drag me into it.  I played that game as a means of fitting in and making my life here a bit better.  I was miserable and refuse to play anymore.  I have always felt that as a teacher, my hard work should be put towards what I do in the classroom and for the school community.  That is my focus.  If I ever do end up with an administrator that only wants kissing up and disregards my dedication and loyalty to educating my students and having a positive impact on their lives, so be it.

So I have been reading another book on education.  I do not consider myself an anarchist, but this book is on anarchist pedagogies.  And I am finding myself nodding to the first chapter an awful lot.  I just read about false hierarchies and abuse of authority.  The author breaks down how those ideals play out in society and the connection to the classroom is obvious.  Then, I have a student come to class and mention a teacher's power trip.  I do not give my opinion - I can't.  But I let the student know that I have different approaches to the classroom.  He lets me know he sees that.

This is Teacher Appreciation Week.  There are memes all over the internet about reflecting on the teacher that made the biggest impression on your decision to teach.  The thing is, no one did.  But I do remember enjoying the ones that had no power trip.  They spoke to the class as if were were to be respected, and we gave respect in return.  The class dialogues were more equal.  Yet, we knew we were not equal in many ways - age, knowledge, experience.  And we saw our teachers as people that had a great deal to offer us.  Those teachers on a power trip?  Relegated to the dustbin of my memory.

So then, when at the end of that period yesterday, when a little incident happens, and I lose my cool, my head is spinning.  Not because of what a student did and how he and another reacted.  My head was spinning because I did not have the time left in the period to properly address it - their actions, the possible consequences, and my subsequent reaction.  My concern?  That they leave with the idea that I pulled the position of authority bit.  I get colleagues who always say "Write them up!".  Yeah, you go do that.  But that rarely works for me.  And the kids admit that too.  My method derives from my political beliefs and my beliefs that we get along better in this world when we talk things out, when both sides are heard before judgments are made.  And so I prefer to discuss a student's behaviour with that student and why I have an issue with it.

Luckily, I happened to see one of the two in the hall the following period.  I told my side and I hope I was heard.  That's the part I have no control over.  But at least I tried.  You see, I would rather put all my energy into my job and the kids and creating a positive educational climate at this school than kissing my administration's butt.  The former is what we are supposed to do as educators.  The latter is what you do when you assume you are smarter than everyone else.

So what do you do when you have fallen deeply in love with someone?  You have tried to have the normal encounters with that individual, to no avail.  Well, you sit outside her dining room window and howl like a banshee.

Yup, that was just a part of my Friday night.  First something was crawling in the walls - and it sounded much larger than a mouse.  Then the forlorn Scooter tries to woo Millie, yet again.  This was the one time she was actually oblivious to a trespassing cat.  Sigh.  All I know is if I had a cutie pie like that after me, I would be right there with him.  So I decided to stay home and possibly deal with the creature in the walls and the lovelorn Scooter.  Then one of my favourite DJs posts some of what he played.  Some stuff that would have made for a great night out.  Darn.  All right.  Definitely getting my butt out tonight.

I also spent the night checking my song picks for my alumni show on May 10.  While it is free form and commercial free, we still have to abide by FCC laws.  That means no swear words that are highly offensive.  The mild ones are OK.  Each year, I have to go through my picks and look out for the big ones.  The problem is, much of what I like is angry, political, or passionate and that intensity lends itself to intense language.  It was easy when there was the record library and everything has the FCC no-no's labeled.  New studio, no library, all on us.  Luckily, I will not have to cut any bands from the list.

I am letting my students know about the show as I always do.  If they listen and name three bands and songs I played in a row, they get a 100 for the week.  Are you thinking it is stupid?  Not exactly.  Here's why.  When I transferred to MSC, I went to the cafeteria to try to get lunch at some point during a studio class break in my first week.  I thought it would be like JCSC:  good food, make my purchase, sit, eat, relax.  Wrong.  I pay for my food and turn to find a seat.  All I see is a sea of partially occupied tables and banners declaring that the empty seats were not available.  Why were they not available?  Because every table had been commandeered by a frat or sorority.  If you did not belong to the group, you didn't belong at the table.  I furtively looked for a spot.  I think I squished myself into a seat somewhere in no-man's-land.  I was clearly not even welcome at that table.  I wolfed the food down and got the hell out of there.

What was the message to me?  I did not belong.  A feeling I had been used to at that point with all the moving and changing schools over the years, but this was particularly grating.  We are supposed to be adults, I am paying tuition to this place, I should be able to eat my damn meal.

Then I got lucky.  I wandered the basement of the building and found the radio station.  A friend urged me to join because her brother had been a member.  I found my home.  That room in the student union basement was where I went when not in class.  I hung out, made friends, brought my meals down there, and I learned a hell of a lot.  I was the Operations Manager for a year.  I had listeners who called in regularly.  It was fun and free.

I watch and listen as my students are planning their first year in college.  Far too many think that the only way to make friends, have a social life, and enjoy the "college experience" is to join a frat or sorority.  Well, I vehemently disagree.  There are other options.  Those organizations are not a good fit for everyone.  What happens to the kid who tries to pledge and knows deep down inside he doesn't fit in?  Does he stick with it and deny himself the opportunity to find where he does fit in?  Or does he drop it and let himself be convinced he is a failure?  So I try in my not-so-subtle way to let my kids know there are other options out there.  Heck, some kids never join college activities.  They just focus on the academics.  Me?  With all my studio classes, job, and my desire to get high grades, I only had time for one extra-curricular.  But there are other activities to join.  And most of them cost nothing.  It might not be the "popular" thing in how our school defines popular, but we DJs were pretty damn cool.  We had a fabulous time in and out of the station, and many of us still keep in touch.  You couldn't pay me to trade that for a spot in a sorority.

My Photo II students are working on self-portraits.  The intention behind this is to see what they think of themselves, what they value, the things they note as most important, or characteristics they think most represent them.  They do not need to include the face, but there must be a part of the body in the images.  This assignment has led to some interesting insights.  I already know quite a bit about my kids, as is evidenced by the individualized assignments last marking period.  However, this opens up another window that I might not have been able to get to before.

Some of the disappointments include wanting to focus on one's hair.  Depending on the person, that could be a great idea - one girl is African-American and the topic of black hair is a big deal.  Some of the feminist journals I read talk a bit about the idea of fetishizing the "other" that comes into play when white people talk about or encounter black women's hair.  But that is not what I am talking about being disappointing to me.  I have a few boys who wrote their proposals and it involved photographing their hair.  Sigh.....  Really?  That's as deep as you can get?  And that is the feedback I gave.  One of them did indeed change his mind.  The thing is, the students are growing up in a world of multi-second sound bites and quickie snapshots.  Go to any art museum and people glide right on by the work.  A glance, and that is enough.  They do not know how to linger, contemplate, take it all in, analyze what they observe.  And the proposals for the self-portraits show that they cannot even look inward and analyze themselves.  And so I push - gently - for more.

The ladies in my class had better proposals on the whole.  One girl said some stuff that hit home.  She was talking about how people make judgments of her based on what she does in her spare time regardless of knowing the facts.  I asked if she meant going to the dance clubs.  Yup, I hit the nail on the head.  Oh honey, boy do I know.  She goes to dance clubs that play Latin music.  We have had class discussions about the importance of dance, the role of the man and woman in the dance, the lack of erotic aspects, the love of the music and the give and take of the dance.  Yet, when a person hears a girl is going to a dance club, one visual, and only one visual, comes to mind.   And that is certainly not what is going on.

Here is what is most interesting about this student.  She is the model of maturity.  She has an amazing amount of responsibilities at home.  As a student, she has never let me down.  The fact that anyone can assume her intentions and actions based on the fact that she goes to a dance club is absurd.  People make assumptions based on what they think they know, and what they know is extremely limited because they have no interest in getting to know about other ways of doing things.  And so they make assumptions about a person and go on to repeat those assumptions as fact.  I let this student know I fully understood and I like the idea behind her goals for the shoot.  How to do it?  That is up to her.  But you see, I go out alone to go dancing on the weekends.  I meet friends there - male and female - and we have a good time.  A sober, music and dance filled blast.  I want this girl to correct the misconceptions of her peers.  That vindication will make her feel good.  I could see it in how she talked about it.

I like the idea of using projects like these to get my students to shatter their misconceptions of each other.  I like the idea of having students get to know about ways of doing things that are foreign to them.  I believe it builds more empathy and appreciation for those who are not like them.  It also might make them think twice about repeating gossip about others when they hear it.  I have learned that the many of my co-workers have the maturity of five-year-olds.  They repeat gossip readily and willingly, regardless of the damage it might do.  They are cruel and vindictive if they feel they have been crossed by a colleague.  All some of them care about is "winning" and kissing ass to get to the top.  I can do nothing to change that, despite my best efforts.  However, I can do something to keep my students from growing up to be like them.  For next year, I plan on much more socially conscious angles to my projects.  This year has taught me that people are cruel and there is no reason the next generation has to follow in those footsteps.