We went to two car shows in one weekend.  Friday night, we went down the hill for the weekly classic car show.  It was a grand time.  I cruise on by the Corvettes and almost anything mid-60s and on.  I like the older ones.  The crowd was decent, but I did see one person touching a car.  I think I had a look of horror on my face.  I can't swear to it, but it is highly possible since that is a reflexive reaction in those situations.  

The next car show was a BBQ in Paterson at the car parts place hubby gets stuff for his daily driver VW.  This was going to be super cool because the scrap yard was open.   We were like kids in a candy store.  Holy whoa.  But that wasn't the best part.  The best part was rolling up and having some guys yell our last name when they saw us.  Two of hubby's bike riding friends from over 20 years ago.  I was so excited to see them and didn't even know if they would even remember me.  The older guys aren't able to keep riding the BMX bikes like skaters because it is a lot harder on the body so hubby doesn't see any of them very regularly.  But they love seeing each other and they did remember me.  It made my day.  We looked at the cars - and there were so many Mark II GTIs there.  We stood around, looking, nodding, and such.

It reminded me of some things.  I need to stick to the people I fit in with.  I should not compromise my tastes or principles for the sake of seeming picky or elitist - though how a corny little art making, freak music loving girl could be elitist is beyond me.  I remembered that these are the people who never made us feel like losers for living our lives differently.  Don't drink heavily?  Never did drugs?  Don't like contemporary entertainment?  Who cares?  It's all good with them.  They do things differently too.

I thought about this all night.  Basically, when I found myself on someone's deck, surrounded by people drinking beverages made from frozen drink mixes, swaying to Jimmy Buffett, I should have quit. I should have just gotten the hell out of there and away from that kind of environment.  I didn't.  I do not like to gossip.  I don't like crap music.  I don't like to gab about inane movies/TV/sport.  Yet, in an effort to make my work life bearable - and yes, mother's nagging about me being too closed minded was there too - I joined in.  And I am so sorry I did.  I am so sorry for even giving one second to those who spread lies about innocent co-workers.  I am so sorry for not being more firm and just leaving when I tried to defend people being gossiped about and they refused to listen. I have lost a great deal of time and compromised my principles.  I guess in the back of my mind, I always knew that I would be the next one, but you are never prepared for that.  

I have always been happiest and most comfortable with my students (at work) and people that are slightly abnormal (socially).  I always tell students to be themselves.  Yes, sometimes you have to hide real parts of you, but don't let your behaviour be a lie.  I have to make sure I do things different at work this year, when it comes to the social stuff.   Trying to be social took me away from students and from self-care, even though I spent every lunch and prep with those fabulous students.  Teachers have an incredible rate of burnout and exhaustion and the politics and back stabbing just get in the way of keeping one's sanity and doing the best job possible.  How can I tell a student to take care of him/herself when I am not doing the same?  

Here's the other thing.  I was so affected by what was being done last year that it took me away from Millie.  And then I lost her on the second day of the summer vacation.  Not letting this year be the same.