So when is a personal day not a personal day?  When you make plans to spend the day doing things for yourself and you have to cancel those plans because you must attend a scheduled-at-the-last-minute meeting.

I have spent a great deal of time taking care of and helping others - particularly in the past year or so.  I am getting tired.  Very tired.  You might think that my bitching last week about the Teacher's Appreciation Week slight was whining.  Well, if I can get no appreciation from family and friends for whom I do so much, I look forward to maybe getting a little appreciation and thanks on the job.  It hasn't come for the past three years.  I do not want anymore tchotchkes or gifts.  I want someone to thank me and then have their actions show they mean it.  The students are about the only ones who do that.  Even when they are cruel, I know they do not mean it personally.  However, when an adult is cruel, takes advantage of my generosity, is thankless....  Well, I do take that personally.  An adult should know better.  And at work, I feel taken advantage of.  Most of us do.  A meeting regarding the budget woes was a fabulous way to commemorate our week.  Never mind that these cuts have been in place since at least the beginning of March.  No, let's have the meeting in May.  Timing is everything.

I have a countdown for the end of the year.  A few kids have asked if I will miss this year's graduates.  I will.  I always miss the kids who graduate.  I will not miss this year.  Not one bit.   I cannot wait until I am on a plane to Amsterdam.  I cannot wait until I can take care of making myself happy.  I can't wait until I no longer have to be the chauffeur, entertainer, therapist, mother, nurse, proofreader, mediator, supply purchaser, poop cleaner (don't ask).   I want time to do things for myself without having to worry about anyone else.  I want time to do my art, garden, swim, explore, listen to music, read, and maybe spend time with friends for whom friendship is truly a two way street.

Outside, all is great.  Nice, shiny, clean.  But look in and there is an empty hole.  A void.  Kind of like a bagel.

Did I just relate my workplace to a bagel?  You bet I did.  I get here at the ass crack of dawn.  Many times I am unlocking the main office and turning the lights on.  I used to have feel my way to my room in the dungeon because the lights were not yet on in my hall.  So, when my student teacher walks in to the room at 7.50 announcing there were bagels and butter and cream cheese all over the counter in the main office, I thought two things:  "Damn, I might miss free food due to my early arrival" and "Oh, they actually are acknowledging Teacher Appreciation Day."  I was slightly ashamed for the rage I have been in while expecting the "holiday" to be ignored.  I also had to make sure I got my ass up there before proctoring the PARCC to get the free food.

Well, no need for me to be ashamed.  The secretaries announced that no, they were not for our day.  It was an admin's birthday and he brought the goods in to celebrate.  Huh....

I'm no genius - a lifetime of mistakes will attest to that.  However, what does it take to make one simple gesture?  One sign.  "Happy Birthday to me and Happy Teacher's Appreciation Day to all of you"?  Duh.  Is it really so hard for people to step outside of themselves and think of others?  And just in case you think I expect taxpayer money go to anything admins do for teachers this week, I do not.  They make plenty of money.  With perks, waaaaay more than you can imagine.  They can cough up some dough to boost morale (where the is none, cough cough) or keep morale high (for those of you lucky enough to work in a school that cares about you).  We teachers spend enough of our own money on our kids over the course of a year. Suck it up...

Yet another thing to add to the list of why I want to move to a deserted village in Hungary with my dear Millie.  I might be a downer, but the human race keeps letting me down, time and time again....

Feel the love

Day One:
Empty mailboxes.  No acknowledgement during the morning announcements or day-closing announcements.  I sarcastically wish a "Happy Teacher's Appreciation Week" to some colleagues in the building throughout the day.  The response?  "Oh, is that this week?"  Welcome to Happy Land.

Oh wait, we did get an e-mail from administration.  Another faculty meeting.  Next week.  Regarding state Biology testing.  It is the same damn meeting we have to sit through every year and despite what we are told, no if you do not teach it, you do not have to hear it more than once.  My schedule is not disrupted in any way.  I know the drill.  I don't need to hear the procedures year after year.  I would prefer to be in my room, printing digital projects for the art show.  I could be cutting mattes for the pics.  I could be making labels.  But no, I will be sitting in a dirty tan auditorium chair for 45 minutes trying not to fall asleep.

At least I do not feel I am behind the 8 ball with the art show.  I have been cutting mattes and taping pics in all year.  (Hello carpal tunnel)  I have a box filled with work.  I am at the point now where I am just printing digital work - no more analog for the year - and matting as they come.  Now on to the labels.  I typed and printed the names - yeah, everyone gets at least one piece in if they are in my class.  I have a few kids who refuse to do the current project - apparently digitally animating a still photo is too much to ask in May - so they will be cutting names and gluing into labels.  At least they get the rubber cement experience.  Because that is the only thing bringing a smile to our faces this week....

What will we get today?  My first gift at 6.00am was a pink slip for a one of the regulars in period one.  Yes sir, I will send her out of my class again so she misses work to meet with you, again over the same issues, again.  Day after day after day.... But by all means, connect my evals to student performance.

Forget June 19.  Graduation is too far.  I live for 3.05 each and every day.

Appreciation

Happy Teacher Appreciation Week, or as we have it here in Happy Land, Happy Non-Appreciation Week.  What will we get this week?  I can hardly contain my excitement.  This is my student teacher's last week, and it will certainly be a nice lesson for him.  If he does indeed go into teaching, he will appreciate whatever job he gets based on comparisons to this one.

Gift number one:  A Saturday e-mail letting us know that we will have a faculty meeting regarding the budget on Thursday.  Way to boost morale.  The order to cut budgets 30-50% comes in the beginning of March.  And explanation comes in May.  Brilliant.

Gift number two: empty mailboxes, real and virtual.  We are not - contrary to popular belief - Greedy Guses.  We don't want or need more tchotchkes.  Just a kind e-mail or letter.  Let us know we are holding this place together damn well considering the turmoil this year.

And lest we forget, or you do not know, let me list it for you:

• admin retirement early in the year; no clean break over the summer; do not give me the "smooth transition" bs when there was no new hire in place.
• death; a dearly beloved admin passed away suddenly
• power vacuum
• interim admin actions continuously reopen the wounds resulting from that sudden death
• dubious decisions
• zero input from those in the trenches is solicited or welcome
• avoidance; we are being treated like children due to the tension and low morale; admin meetings to discuss the problem do nothing when you won"t come to us to know why morale is low; if you do not want to hear it from those hurting, do you truly care?
• unfunded mandates handled incredibly poorly; my four year old niece could have handled some of the testing issues better than the one in charge of that; a teacher should not have to send you an e-mail (which you subsequently ignore) or raise her hand in a faculty meeting to get the schedule of testing
• confirmation that if you do your job poorly, you will be rewarded with promotion/advancement; if you do your job well you will be rewarded with schedule disruptions and other such punishments to help clean up the mess your incompetent colleagues left.

The wonderful thing is that we have no one to talk to about this.  We talked ourselves to death about this here at work.  We can't discuss it with each other anymore.  Discuss with hubby?  We both work for the state.  We are both suffering.  Why burden him?  Try talking to it with friends?  They all - and I mean ALL - have something "just like it" they are dealing/dealt with in their jobs.  No offense, but no.  Not likely.  Tough sh*t you have an 80 hour work week.  Tough sh*t you worked for a private company that had a mean boss and challenges.  None of you are in a field that is this selfless, this emotionally and physically taxing, this emotionally abusive, this time consuming (yeah, courtesy of e-mail, it is nearly 24/7), this demeaning due to being vilified in the press and public each and every day, while being robbed of your own money by our dear gov, this depressing.   We teachers are alone.  We might work in a building with 100 colleagues, but we are suffering alone.  We witnessed what happens when you over burden a dear friend with too much.  We will not do this to each other.  So we grumble, make jokes to each other in passing, but we are suffering in silence. 

And the kids?  That is part of our suffering.  The teacher who is is not an empath is rare.  The kids are suffering at the hands of corporations and politicians using them a guinea pigs.  We do what we can to keep their spirits up, but it doesn't work.  They are drained of the excitement for the classes that they looked forward to.  I am constantly worried about the well being of my kids.  They are stressed, sad, tired....  So I come to work with a spring in my step (faking it 'til I make it).  I fill my room with music.  My door is open from 6.15 am to all kids, even those I do not know.  I smile and greet every kid I pass, whether I know them or not.  I say I don't check e-mail after 7.00 but I do, because I feel awful when I do miss that 10.15pm (or 4.23am) e-mail.  I worry when kids I know are having a hard time do not show up.  Library closed for testing?  They all know my room is open.  Lined up for morning detention?  I'll come out and chat to make you a little less bitter.  You aren't wearing your ID?  I'm not going to pull the power trip and yell at you. I will say please and thank you.

And I am NOT the only one.  Most of us are doing something for the kids every day.  We don't want what the other schools are getting - massage therapist in the teacher's lounge; catered lunches; thank you breakfasts.  We just want a truly sincere thank you.  We want an acknowledgement that we are doing a fabulous job of holding this place together in this horrible year.  Yes, we are holding this place together.  The rank and file always do.  

But we are suffering, and many of us are suffering alone.  And if you are the friend or relative of a teacher, here's a hot tip:  When she/he needs to vent, do not tell that teacher that it happens in every job, it is like that everywhere, your job is worse/more stressful/more time consuming, blah blah blah..  I have worked in the private sector prior to teaching.  Trust me when I say, if you have not taught, you do not know....  Listen to us, try to make us feel better, be vocal advocates for us, correct those who denigrate us and our field, vote for people who support us.  Do not tell me you have it just as hard.  If you do not believe me, I invite you to spend a week in my classroom.  Hell, come in for just a day.  I dare you to try to make it through my period 8.  Just once.

So there's this kooky rumour going around that morale is low here.  Oh, do you think?  So, for what it is worth - and that isn't much, I know - here are my thoughts.

You want to improve morale?  Here are some hot tips:

• Observe Teacher Appreciation Week.  We aren't looking for the lavish food spreads, daily massages, and general things other districts get.  Nah.  We know the deal here.  We would just like an acknowledgement.  At the very least.  Two years ago it was completely ignored.  Last year, the week ended with some snarky e-mail about where we should park.  Hot tip:  No more PV tchotchkes.  I don't need another PV mug or key chain, for God's sake.
• And on the topic of e-mails....  You know who is guilty of an infraction - coming late, not signing in, leaving early.  Aw, heck, those people were allowed to get away with it for years with the old admins, so we all know who they are.  It is demeaning to send an e-mail to the whole staff.  Deal with the individuals.  You remember when you were in school and the teacher punished the whole class for that one kid who broke the rules?  Yeah, you are that teacher.  And we feel like children.
• The state is treating us like sh*t.  We are scapegoats, drug mules, greedy bastards.  We are being forced to implement tests and practices we know are not best for our students.  This is demoralizing and depressing.  Many districts have admins that will call a spade a spade and express their professional beliefs regarding this junk, like the PARCC.  Refusing to drink the Kool Aid and letting us know you are with us would go a long way.  Pedagogically, this endless testing, SGO BS, and accountability & data race is not sound.  Any professional educator knows that.  Hopefully you do.  If you do not, I have to wonder why.  Stand with us.  Acknowledge your frustrations with these horrible ideas and practices.  We are not looking for revolution.  As employees of the state, we know we must do this.  But we shouldn't have to be forced to drink the Kool Aid too.  Solidarity is not a four letter word.
• If I have to follow the rules, so should he/she.  Do not tell me to take a little sticker off the back of my ID (meaningful and given to me by a student, by the way) when the same staff members NEVER wear their IDs.  Don't look for cell phone infractions in our classes when the SAME teachers use their cell phones anywhere and everywhere (halls, cafe, during class).  Hell, I should not have to look at a student's images of a teacher and half her class on cell phones.  During the school day.  I should not have a student ask if she can go see her girls activity advisor right now because "she just texted me to come up to get something."  We do not want to be lectured or written up for infractions we see day in and day out.  And we know you see them too....
• Little ticky tack reminder slips to do even more paper work is demeaning.  If your department takes care of discipline, you write the kid up for what you determine to be an unexcused tardy.  If I determine - as a professional who can do these things - that a student skipped out on my class, you can bet your ass I will write that kid up.  However, I am not the person who determines whether a tardy to school is excused or unexcused.  As that is your determination, you take the responsibility for completing the paperwork and administering the punishment.  And do not tell me to not point the finger at you and take the blame.  That is childish.  
• Do not arbitrarily decide who can and cannot get professional development.  If we are told PD will not be paid for, we will be good little soldiers and not ask to have PD paid for anymore.  Until we see that every other department has been getting PD paid for when we read the Board meeting minutes.  Be honest with us.  But also give us the same opportunities for improvement that all the other departments get.  Inequality is not fair....or good for the students.
• If a staff member proposes a policy change or improvement, read the proposal.  Do not turn it down with three reasons that have been solidly refuted in the proposal.  Condescending, disrespectful actions like that do not make for happy staff.   Especially when staff spend countless hours for the betterment of this school community.  She might not shout it from the roof tops like some attention whores, but the courtesy of reading said proposal is professional and respectful.  Not doing so is rude, and a slap in the face.
• Old R.E.M. line from "Begin the Begin" that have been my motto for decades:  Silence means security silence means approval.  Bad things have been happening.  Do not act like you don't know.  now 

So acquaintance A has partner B.  B recently used the word "retarded."   When I heard this word used, I felt like I was punched.  It took the wind out of my sails.  First reason:  B seems to portray him/herself in one way - friendly, fun, kind, loving.  Second:  A is certainly a very intelligent, discerning person.  The fact that she/he would associate with a preson who uses that word shocked me.  I waited for a rebuke.  None came.  The word just hung there....  And I have a hunch I am the only one with the problem.

I do my best to make sure my classroom and this school is welcoming for all.  It is part of my job to make sure of that.  When I hear the words retarded or gay used as slurs or in an insulting way, I stop the kids and discuss the problem with that.  Even if I hear kids in the hall doing it.  I ask them to not use the word.  They say they didn't mean to use it that way.  I ask what they meant by it, and then explain that using it in place of a word like dumb or stupid mean using it in a disrespectful way.  And so it goes....

So why do I hear adults use this word more than my students?  Teachers, friends, relatives, acquaintances....  No one thinks anything of it.  When they do slip up in front of me, I get "Sorry, I know you don't like that word."  No.  Wrong response.

"I can't be racist.  Some of my best friends are black."

"I love gays.  I'm friends with lots of gay people."

"I didn't mean anything insulting saying retarded.  My aunt/uncle/sister/brother/cousin is disabled."

Yes, all those excuses for using homophobic, racist, or insulting language are ignorant and naive.  They separate members of society into an "other" that we can disassociate ourselves from.  By doing that, we do not see an injury or abuse of that separated group as offensive in the same way as if it was done to one of us.  The North Jersey Developmental Center can be shut down without a real care to what will happen to the residents when put into group homes with inadequately trained staff.  It enables us to not care or be affected in the same way when three deaths result from this hurried placement of people.  It enables us to not care as much when a black boy or girl is gunned down by a cop or white person because they are not seen as the same as "us".  The "retarded" person was ill and wouldn't have lived a full life.  The black person must have been guilty of some crime.

I think it is this mentally grouping of segments of society into "others" that allows cruel things to be done to those parts of the population.   For awhile, people were becoming more conscious of this.  People were learning to be kinder and not use those cruel words.  But now my kind of reaction is seen as infringing on someone's freedom of speech.  I am too sensitive.  I don't get it; the comments aren't meant in that way....

Blah blah blah....

Look at your history folks.  When have groups been able to persecute and try to eliminate portions of society?  When they are not seen as a part of the whole but identified as an "other".  Your right to use an offensive word is more important that the marginalization of a part of the population?  Really?  We aren't naive 15 year-olds anymore.  I wish the people around me would grow the f*** up.  My students have....

Beat

There is no enthusiasm, excitement, or happiness left in the school year.  We teachers are trying to muster up all the energy we have, get our kids into each new assignment or project.  It is near impossible.  We are beat, they are beat.  The sculpture teacher and I have been talking about this a lot.  Her kids are normally super psyched for the current assignment.  I sit in on second period.  They are blah.  They are merely going through the motions.  They are doing an excellent job - the effort has not wavered.  the eavesdropping on the planning discussions is still interesting.  However, there is a lack of enthusiasm.  They are normally bouncing off the walls with excitement for this assignment.  Not this year.  And through absolutely no fault of the teacher.  My student teacher has introduced a couple of new assignments that I had been contemplating for this year:  Surrealism for Photo I and Artwork recreations in Photo II.  This is the stuff the kids salivate for other years.  This is something that appeals to their tastes and age group.  Not this year.  Oh, the lack of excitement.

Is it our fault?  Hell no!  I see a few kids on my route to signing out every day (can I please get some recognition for being the ONLY one who does this every day? PLEASE?) and we have some little chit chats.  Tuesday, I saw this group of three.  The boy looked tired.  I said hello and asked how they were.  He said they were worn out.  From what?  All the testing was his answer.  Bravo legislators.  Bravo private companies pushing their testing and text book products on us.  You are killing the magic and the spirit of education.  It is a struggle to keep many of our kids engaged anyway given the outside life factors faced every day.  Now you throw all this testing into the mix and the result is a quick death.  Not slow.  We teachers saw this coming, so in our minds it might be slow.  But to the kids, it is a rapid change and thus a very quick death.  To see some of my more challenging kids start to like coming to school for my class, choose not to drop out because there are a couple of us who have kept them engaged and convinced them they can succeed at a little something.... And to force them to sit at a computer and spit out answers to inane questions that are not pedagogically, age, or grade appropriate.  Well, bravo.  You have shot these kids down in a matter of a few months.  It might not be a visible violence, but it is a violence of spirit.  And we teachers are still going to keep trying to keep the kids going until June, but it will be hard.  Really hard.

What did I tell that kid on Tuesday?  I told him to go to meetings.  I don't know that most Boards of Education know that this is going on.  How would they?  There is not normally a dialogue between students and board members.  Go to our governor's town hall meetings.  And do not back down when he tries to berate you.  Write to your legislators.  Let them know the ramifications of their decisions.  Who are they beholden to?  You or Pearson?  My last words to the kids is always this:  You have a voice.  Use it.  All of you need to use your voices and speak up.  He nodded.  They always nod.  I hope they get it.  Soon.