So I am not the type to make New Year's resolutions,  However, here is an early one:  I am opening my mouth more.  I know, some colleagues think I have a big mouth.  I speak up for my students.  I shine a spotlight on the rampant racism and sexism in this building.  I was vocal about the homophobia.  Luckily, that is pretty under control - that's what happens when some stuff becomes a hot topic in the media.

However, when it comes to pointing out what is harmful to our kids, I need to be more vocal.  My co-workers might say I was already vocal enough.  I don't think I have been. I read the following article in two parts.


http://www.nj.com/education/2017/12/teachers_accused_of_sexual_misconduct_keep_getting.html#incart_most-readnews

I had to split the reading because I wanted to scream, cry, or punch something.  I have said certain former employees should be in prison for their actions.  However, the hero worship in my building is such that people tune me out.  They think I do not like certain people because I wanted to be favoured and I was not.

That is not and never was the case.  I tried to blow the whistle at my job.  I was told to "drop it" and was then intimidated thereafter.  I was treated cruelly by certain administrators.  Meanwhile, the offending individual still teaches in my school.  I sense there are many teachers in my situation.  To top it all off, the offenders are respected within the building.  I am not.

I read the above article and wanted to cry.  How many of the districts were ones I applied to in my four year struggle to find a permanent full time job?  How many women were passed over?  I had one principal point out that I was a young woman who would probably be going on a maternity leave soon.  

And there are two issues at play here in this issue of administrators sweeping this shit under the rug:  

1.  The administration of a district does not want to do its due diligence, the paper work, the investigation to protect those they are supposed to protect:  the students.  All that matters is the reputation of the school.

2.  The sexism associated with protecting the men.  It's that old boys' club protection of each other.  How many qualified women went for those jobs and were passed over?  What is it in a man that causes him to not be disgusted by such behavior when committed against kids?  What is it that drives a man to not want to do the legwork that gets rid of a person who abuses students?  Why is protecting each other more important than protecting a student?

What can a teacher do?  Report what he or she knows.  What can an administrator do?  Report and do due diligence to stop the behavior in one's district an anywhere else.  What can members of the community do?  Report something to a trusted teacher.  Do not let things be "dropped."

I am so troubled by this article and want to cry.

Good Management....  So when hubby was promoted at work, he had to go for management training.  The people I know who oversee employees have had to go for management training.  All of them.  Schools should have this as well because I do not believe the administration degree programs are doing it.

What makes good management?  Here are some tips:

• Deal with noncompliant staff individually.  If there is a regulation violation, deal with the person(s) responsible.  Do not send an e-mail to the whole staff, reprimanding them as a whole. This is something we should never to do our students and an administrator should not treat staff this way.  It gives the appearance of you not wanting to deal with a problematic employee, not wanting to do your due diligence.  You look lazy.  You are also offending all the employees who are hard working and follow all the regulations.  Sending a blanket memo to all staff is unprofessional.
• Know your duties and pass correct information on to your employees.  If there is a new initiative your staff needs to comply with, make sure you know all aspects of that initiative front to back.  If your staff has a question you do not know the answer to, do not bs them.  They have little free time as it is.  When your directives are incorrect, the time it takes to backtrack is costly and takes time from tasks they would be better off doing, especially when the staff are teachers.  Time spent making corrections due to your mistakes is time away from the students.
• Check your e-mails before sending.  Only send your staff a message once.  Employees are busy.  Teachers are even busier.  They cannot be attached to their e-mail.  They squeeze time in between periods to check e-mail.  When you send correction e-mails, and corrections of the corrections you send two messages:  1. you are too lazy to check your initial message and 2. you do not see your employees as busy with other tasks.  Be a professional and check your e-mail thoroughly so you do not need to send corrections.
• Do not enforce regulations sporadically.  If all employees must wear an ID, make sure ALL employees do.  If staff are to sign in or sign out at a certain time, make sure ALL employees do so.  If staff are not to use cell phones in front of students, make sure NO ONE does so.  Staff knows who violates the rules.  When you enforce sporadically, you negate your authority.  You also end up with staff that sees no point in following any regulations.  Do not play favorites.
• When a staff member presents an idea, do not steal it and pass it off as your own or pass it to another staff member to present the idea.  You lose your best workers by giving no credit to their ideas.  They will take their ideas elsewhere.  When that happens, the progress you have made by stealing and presenting that persons ideas leaves with them to their new place of work.
• Unless there is an emergency, give ample notice for meetings.  When a notice for a meeting is given less than a week prior, that disrupts the after school time teachers have with their students.  There are club meetings that end up being rescheduled.  Extra help time for students ends up being cancelled.  This would not be such a big deal if there was a late bus for the kids.  However, there is not and it is hard for them to schedule rides for staying late.  When teachers have scheduled time with their kids and then have to cancel due to a last minute staff meeting, that inconveniences students and parents/guardians.

There, done for now. 

So the open house went much better than I expected.  I didn't think any parents, guardians, or students would make the trek downstairs.  One of the Photo II students who came to print didn't think I was doing enough to get anyone down there.  I couldn't tell him that I could not leave them in the darkroom printing while I was upstairs directing people.  Luckily there were other students doing that.  It was real quiet for the first half hour.  I had about 6 students printing in the darkroom.  Then the deluge came.  There were tours being given and students brought prospective kids down.  They were led into the darkroom.  Parents reminisced about taking photo in the exact same darkroom when they were in high school.  The eighth graders asked questions.  The adults asked questions.  The kids were so excited to take this class when they get to high school.

The one part that I felt I could not do well in was when one parent with photo knowledge asked about our digital equipment.  He was duly impressed with our Epson printer and agreed with me that a plotter printer was not the best way to go.  But then he asked about cameras.  Well, we only have three Canon T3i cameras.  We have no supplemental lenses. I know damn well that that does not cut it.  I know I will never get the money to upgrade along with the technology at the same pace.  But I would like to have more updated cameras, extra lenses, and flashes for the DSLRs.  Will I get that?  Never.  The whole mindset about digital in a public school is that it is cheaper than film.  I know there are people here who want to get rid of the darkroom because it will save them money.  They are so wrong.  If they do that, I will demand the latest cameras and lenses, filters, flashes, slaves for flashes, etc..  That demand will be due to the fact that we have parents in the district who know what to expect when it comes to digital.  None of those demands will be for my personal gain.  They will be for the students.  So, basically, I could not tell this father that we do not have the latest digital imaging equipment but hey, we have a first rate football team!  I just told him that most of the kids have their own DSLRs at home (a lie).  I don't think he liked the answer, but he liked the darkroom.

So all in all, the open house was a success.  It was like a party.  I actually wish I could have open darkroom sessions for my kids more often.  If the school would pay me, I would be willing to do it once a month.  I say I want to be paid, not because I am money hungry, but because it was exhausting and I need to look out for myself.  I have been taken advantage for too long here.

So I posted online that I had an open darkroom session and a lot of former students wanted to know if they could come print.  Due to liabilities, they cannot.  Then I looked for open darkrooms in North Jersey.  There used to be one in Jersey City - you go and rent the space for hourly sessions and print to your heart's content.  Well, there are no open darkrooms in New Jersey at all.  As a matter of fact, the closest ones are in Brooklyn and that is not worth the hike.  There is a site where you can post your space (public or private darkroom) or post if you are in need of darkroom facilities.  There are three people who posted they want darkroom facilities to use.  There is a need.  Why isn't anyone filling it?

Food for thought.....

Tonight is our open house.  I have readied myself for the evening - sign is made, the call has been put out to my advanced students that they can come in and print in an open darkroom session.  Will anyone show up?  If it goes like last year's call for videos, not a soul will show up.  So to be prepared, I will be bringing some of my own negatives and paper in case my students flake out.  Will I be disappointed? Yes.  Will I be surprised at the disappointment?  No.  I am used to it.  Does it hurt?  Yeah, it keeps on hurting.  I student taught with women who cared deeply for their students.  I learned from an advisor who cared deeply about her college students.  I went to the wrong places.  If I learned from people like those I grew up with, I would be more selfish and I would be hurt by the disappointments less.  Oh well.

So Things are really unpredictable here.  There is a great push for this criminal justice program - because, hey, this country needs more cops - and we have lost a number of kids to coercion to take one of those courses.  Of course, the true measure of the success of a program is how many kids you have pressured to take the stupid class, right?  As such, our numbers might go down.  As I have said before, I know they want my rooms.  But the problem is I am second in line in seniority in my department.  I am higher than a couple of the ass-kissers.  They will never be RIF'd.  I can't be unless the four under me are.  That presents administration with a problem.  How to get rid of me?  Well, make life miserable.  Take committee positions away from me.  Make me feel insignificant.  

In preparation for this, I have begun to look for a project.  I have begun looking for fixer-uppers in Italy in my maternal hometowns.  My mother has already made two calls and let one agent know I am interested.  My original desire was Hungary, but Orban is wrecking the country right now and I fear the tensions will not get better.  So, Italy it is.  I never had good back up plans to ensure my happiness growing up.  It was one let down after another.  Now, I am better prepared.  If I know I might be pushed out - and I do know how to see those signs because I was a replacement for a woman who was slowly and systematically pushed out of another district - at least I will be monetarily and emotionally prepared.

Lest you think I am swimming in money, I am not at all. This area of Italy is seen by some as a backwater.  It is cheap as all hell.  I have students with cars that cost more than these homes.  My idea?  It will be a vacation home for me, hubby, dad, and my sister and her kids.  Will the brother-in-law be allowed to go there?  That depends on whether he can muster the ability to go a family gathering without making some cruel dig at me.

I must also make a concerted effort to create my art more.  I will begin painting again.  I will continue drawing.  And I must shoot more.  I have some ideal swimming around my head but have been too depressed to get off the sofa to bring them to fruition.  I need to do this.  Badly.  I get a high from making art.  But the depression is so deep that it anchors me to the sofa when I am home.  I need to make my new art site and I need to make more submissions.  This is my homework.   And house shopping.  It's better than focusing on this place that is pulling me down.

Teaching a special is not easy.  You have to constantly prove the validity of your subject.  When I was first teaching, the state was piloting tests at the 4th, 8th, and 11th grade levels.  That was done away with.  It turns out that to test a program, you have to be willing to fund it sufficiently and NJ does not want to fully fund every single school district or their fine and performing arts programs.

So not only did it take me four years to find a permanent full time art job, but I now have to prove the relevance of my program every year.  I have already written about how I ended up teaching photography, so I do not need to explain why I have a double threat to my program: from both outside and inside my department.

So when our school starts to lose kids to the local vo-tech, we mobilize to show why we are the better choice.  Are we the better choice in all areas?  No.  We have no practical arts - automotive, plumbing, construction, electrical education are all gone.  However, when it comes to the fine and performing arts, we are better than much or what is around.  Beyond that, I have to show why my photo program is worth coming here for and worth keeping as is - darkroom and all.

So last year, our department put toge3ther a YouTube channel.  We each put a call out for videos from former students.  We wanted them to talk about what our art program did for them.  Considering all I do for my students, both before and after graduation, I thought I might get a few.  When I had about 20 kids say they would send me something, I was tickled pink.  I was excited to hear what they had to say.  I rarely get a heartfelt thank you from any kids.  I think I got one last year.  Then the date loomed closer and nothing.  By the time we needed them, I got two.  Two whole videos. A third student let me know he was too busy with his school work to put something together, and I appreciated his effort.

Out of all the kids for whom I have written recommendation letters (well over 100), post graduation letters for grant or job applications, portfolio advice for those changing majors, camera advice, business advice, heck, even logos created gratis by me for their businesses.  Out of all that, all I got was two f*cking videos.  So what am I going this week?  I am volunteering to be here to have my darkroom open for the 8th grade open house.  I have some boys who are going to print as demo people.  I am holding an open darkroom session for two hours.  It benefits the kids who will be printing and hopefully keeps my program going - saves it from the chopping block for a wee bit longer.  Do I want to be here?  Not really.  I have started a new medication and it makes me tired as all hell.  By 8.00 PM I am falling asleep.  Do I have a choice?  On paper, I do.  But realistically, I do not.  I know my program is good.  The kids know it is good.  But that is not enough here.  They want my space and my money and I have few people on my side here, including my former students.

The past few years have been nothing but let downs.  I have had a fabulous time with my kids and have seen a growth in creativity this last year or so, but it just is not enough anymore.  I want someone to say "thank you" and mean it sincerely.  I want someone to give back what I give to them.  Some of us teachers are treated like absolute sh*t here - partially because we are women - and our kids are our only bit of happiness.  I do not like the fact that I am fighting for this program alone, but that will not change here.

So when I was at a workshop with the Human Rights Institute last year, I ate lunch with a Holocaust and Genocide teacher from somewhere in central Jersey.  It was post presidential election and I asked a question about how to deal with the ramifications of the election and what we are trying to teach the students as far as lessons from the Holocaust and genocides over history.  He seemed to not see a problem with the election results regarding oppression of any group or the ensuing spread of hate.  The conversational lunch stopped dead in its tracks.  I had a very uneasy feeling from him after my comment and question.

Then I got to thinking about all the hundreds of kids from where I teach who proudly go through the same class.  Then I think about the things I see them post online.  And I wonder if there is a disconnect.  But it could have been my paranoid opinion taking over.

Then I read this article in The Guardian:

https://www.theguardian.com/teacher-network/2016/jan/27/do-we-need-to-rethink-how-we-teach-the-holocaust

Yes, the article addresses deficiencies in the British program, but I see parallels.  There seems to be a good understanding of why the Holocaust and genocides are horrible, no idea of what led to such events.  This quote says it well:

“The Holocaust is too often turned into vague lessons of the danger of hatred or prejudice at the expense of really trying to understand the reasons and motivations for the genocide.”

Our students are not understanding the attitudes and manipulations that lead to the societal behaviours and beliefs that can allow a genocides to happen.  They believe specific individuals and major players in history books are the sole reason or impetus.  That is so far from the truth.  I can tell because of how many H&G alumni have the same kinds of behaviours:  believing generalizations about members of society; repeating stereotypes about who is the victim and who is the taker; beliefs about themselves being a part of an oppressed part of society, when their race is the one doing the oppressing.

What is the benefit of Holocaust education in any country or school if the students are not learning lessons about what led up to the event?  What are they really learning if those who survived a genocide are giving warning signals that things seem familiar but teachers of that class play devil's advocate for the oppressing side or do not want to engage in a discussion of the events happening around us?

We are teaching our students nothing but fake awareness.  But it sure looks good on paper.

I walk around here with a smile on my face. I had such a horrible school experience when younger, one of my aims was to make sure none of my students have that same experience.  It is getting hard to keep up the façade again.

I worked in a few different photo-related fields before getting my teaching certificate.  I was a photo researcher/librarian for a famous paparazzo and for a major sports organization.  I was also an assistant photo editor for a weekly and monthly TV magazine in New York. 

The paparazzo I worked for was a grumpy old man who was a cuddly bear inside.  He was fine to work for.  He trusted us gals to do our jobs and never bothered us.  His wife?  Well, she was a nasty woman to the extreme.  Phenomenally fake.  However, if you hid from her in the photo stacks and just did your job, you were OK.  She saved most of her nastiness for the publications editors.  We gals who worked in that basement stuck together.  The one gal who kissed butt was not a part of our group.  We had a camaraderie that made working there fun, regardless of how busy or not busy we would be.  Plus, the husband and wife had bunnies who lived on the same floor that we worked on.   I liked that job.

I worked for the NBA for six years, including when I started teaching.  I thought it would be nasty.  I was female.  I don't like sports.  However, I am a hard worker.  That is what mattered there.  Yes, there were people who had their jobs due to personal connections.  Yet, they worked as hard as the rest of us.  If you were given a position there and you did not work, you stood out like a sore thumb.  If you proved yourself, you were urged to move up.  I was given opportunities to move up, but I chose to focus on teaching.  It was the most egalitarian place I ever worked.  Female?  Gay?  Short? Hated basketball?  A freak?  It did not matter.  If you worked hard, they liked you and treated you with respect.  They treated me well.  Very well.  And I do not mean monetarily.  It is known in the sports agency field that you do not work for the money - there is little unless you play - but for a love of the game.  I still dream about that job.  I wake up smiling.

I worked for a now defunct TV magazine in New York City.  I hated the commute - 12 hour days - and the job was sooooo boring.  I was friends with the mail room guy and the receptionists.  I was told that publishing is the most cutthroat business in the city.  Your best friend would sell you out for a chance to advance.  I saw a little of that.  I thought it was clique-y.  I did not belong. But it was not a bad job.  My editor treated me like crap, but she did that to everyone before me.  The chief editors knew this and I was the last person they let her do that to.  They knew there was a problem and dealt with it.  She improved her treatment of the assistants after me.

I worked in four districts before I came here.  I was taken advantage of in my first permanent job.  I was half time and was given tons of stuff to do with no regard for prep time.  The union did nothing for me.  My third district was a dream.  I saw how a truly well run district operates.  When the Board of Education, the Superintendent, administration, teachers, and parents/guardians all put the students first, you have a well run district.  I loved it there even though it was not my chosen grade level.  All levels respected each other there.  No teacher was looking to undercut a colleague.  No admin was seeking revenge on a teacher for not playing along.  There was nothing to undercut someone for.  There was no need for revenge.  Differences in opinion were respected.  It was understood that we all cared about the kids first, so every suggestion or idea was listened to and considered.  This was a strict that banded together when the board was stacked with people who did not care for anything but their own advancement.  The residents banded together and replaced those individuals with people who cared about the kids first.  I cried when I was let go.  The kids cried too.  I don't say that to be selfish or big headed.  We all cared about each other that much.  I was a maternity leave coverage and the woman wanted back.  So basically, I know how well a school district can be run.  I have some experience.

And now I am here.  I love my students so much.  I love what I do.  15 years here.  Four years teaching Sculpture, and now my 11th year teaching Photography.  This job is not getting old.  I still do a little skip inside when I see how happy the kids are at their first developed roll of film.  (8 out of 8 successful rolls yesterday!)  But this place is killing me.  I am now on two different medications.  The air quality in the Sculpture room is partly to blame for my asthma progressing from exercise-induced to full blown years ago.  This place is killing all the best teachers.  The only way to get ahead is to kiss ass.  Kissing ass does not make one a good teacher.  As a matter of fact, all the time spent devising ways to do that is time taken away from doing for the students.  I have learned abut what goes on in the classrooms of those who kiss up.  I have supplemented the teaching of many of their kids, without their knowledge.  They create the aura of being a challenging/hard teacher.  It is just an aura, no substance.   I am a good worker.  I come in two hours before clock in time.  I work through my lunch. I check my e-mail over the weekends and holidays.  I am there for my students and colleagues 24/7.  The only thing that keeps me disconnected is that I do not have a smart phone.  I have volunteered for countless committees and contribute to those committees, rather than just warm a seat.  However, I see that I have been left out of the DEAC - no representation of the specials on a committee that picks the next evaluation system.  I was on the first ScIP.  According to the state legislation, the members are to rotate.  No member is on the committee for two consecutive years. Tell that to my administration.  I have had ideas taken from me and passed off as one's own (class dues to pay for the yearbook, a garden club, and so on).  Under that creep JW, I had to deal with the threat of losing my darkroom every single year.  Now I have a sweet employee who tells me that my room will be another room for the Bergen County program in a bit.  But no worries.  I could use the little darkroom in room 148.  Yes, the one that fits 4 kids at most.

Then there are the little revenge bits that chip away at every fiber of your being.  Those of us who have been treated as such here all know the method:  administration or colleagues do little things that individually seem minor.  However, when done repeatedly, they pile up.  It is a systematic way of doing horrible things to us to break us down while making us seem paranoid for taking things to heart.  It is a form of gas lighting.  If we complain about our treatment, we are told we are taking it personally or are making a big deal of nothing.  However, these things are done to the same people over and over.  It is not a mistake,  It is how previous administrations did things and it carries on.  Oh, and did I mention all us victims are female?  This place would have one helluva gender discrimination class action problem if everyone had the guts to take action.

Instead, we all talk and talk about it.  We grumble.  We add to the list of doctors we have to see.  We take more and more medication.  We cry.  We slam doors and throw things in anger.  We try to find the time for creative outlets and social endeavors.  And we teach and love our students as best as we can given our situations.

I am involved in some political organizations both in my town and regionally.  One person involved in our local group is now the leader of an LGBT caucus.  The caucus had its first event yesterday.  It was in town so hubby and I walked down, since the weather was so nice.  The restaurant is in an old train station and you get to the other side of the tracks via an underground tunnel.  We come to the end of the tunnel and there is a policeman coming out of the restaurant's foyer into the tunnel.  We say our hello's and go upstairs to the shindig. We figured the cop was there to say "hi" to someone he knew who worked there.  We were way off.

It turns out the police department thought it would be a good idea to have police presence at the event for protection.  As a volunteers in the town, hubby and I have been to many dinners and parties held by organizations here.  There was never a need for police presence.  Until now.  This was an LGBT event.  Held in a conservative town in a conservative county.  When we moved here, there was a second floor apartment above a store on Main Street that had a confederate flag in the window.  We now have a gay mayor and a gay alderman.  Need I say more?

So while we were being social and meeting and talking to people, the need for protection left my brain.  The event was so nice.  The food was good, the vibe was friendly.  In addition, the event raised a ton of money for the caucus and the work they plan on doing.

Then we left and there was the cop, at the door, protecting us.  Protecting us from the types of people that have been given free reign to express and act upon years of built up hatred toward people who have never done a thing to hurt them.  Let me be clear, the police presence had nothing to do with the couple of legislators there to speak.  It was obvious that this kind of gathering could be a target for someone who hates this population and those of us who support them.

I am getting very emotionally and physically tired of dealing with the way things are right now.  I am supposed to let my students and GSA kids know things will be OK, but I am lying through my teeth.

And so I begin another day coughing up phlegm.  At least it is solid enough to stay together to cough up.  I stayed home one day last week and I really needed another day but calling out for two days in teaching is just not feasible. I have only done it once or twice in nearly 20 years of teaching.

So some kids have come by to visit.  I like that.  But it has its drawbacks.  When I do not get out on time, I hit traffic.  I used to be able to stay until 4.30 pm with no issues.  I loved it.  The darkroom was a hive of activity.  Then a couple of years ago, kids stopped coming.  More kids have jobs that demand they get there by 3.00 pm.  That coincided with horrible construction on Route 80 in Morris County.  Leaving work late meant nearly doubling my commute time.  That has translated to completed construction with the traffic issues remaining.  I do not understand it because there is an additional lane, but maybe lots of people leave work earlier nowadays.  So now I come in by 6.05 am and the kids come in early or during their lunches. If anyone ever has an issue with my waiting by the clock out machine for a minute or two for the clock to strike 3.05, I would gently suggest they look at the time I arrive each and every day.

So in one of the visits, the person commented about how this place is "getting worse."  Yes, there are things I do not like about this place, but there is pattern here.  Every single year, the recent graduates claim the place immediately got worse after they graduated.  Well, that's not possible.  There are bumps at the beginning of every school year.  Over the past several years, we have had to deal with incoming freshmen who are not prepared for high school 0 regardless of having freshmen orientation days - and massive behavioural issues.  This is due to deficiencies in the sending districts.  No matter how much we try articulation in those towns, they will not change based on our requests or recommendations.  The mindset there will only change with hiring out-of-district.  Once we get a handle on straightening those issues out  - the growing pains of freshmen - the year goes well.  It takes a month or two.

Where does this "this place is getting worse" idea come from?  A few places.  One, we have some leadership from a nearby city.  This regional district is racially biased against that city.  Anything from there is bad in the residents' eyes.  It does not matter that when their people came here from Italy, Poland, Ireland, etc., they settled in that city first.  They then migrated here in the 1960s when the great migration North happened.  African-Americans descended from slaves moved up North to get jobs in growing industry and to escape Jim Crow laws.  White flight followed.  This is a district that is historically racist.  Those of us who have worked and lived elsewhere know what our colleagues mean when they say "This place is turning into P-------."  No it is not. Work in an inner city for once and you will know how wrong you are.  I happen to know how little work was done in this building in the 1970s and 1980s.  Drunk and high students wandering the halls all day.  Hanging out the windows.  Shall I introduce you to some of the 80s era graduates I know?  They were all white.  This is not related to race, of course.  (snark intended)

Another reason for the denigrating comments is the fact that there are changes happening.  Are all of the changes good?  No, I don't think so.  But then I am a special and teaching in a country that does not value the arts.  The focus is only ever on reading and mathematics.  And so improvement initiatives will only ever focus on them.  It is not just our school.  It is country-wide.  However, if my colleagues read anything related to education, they would know this.  Pay attention to the writing of your students.  Most of it is pathetic.  I should not be getting written work from a senior with spelling and grammatical errors that are of a middle school level.  I cringe at much of what I read, but I correct it and continue to assign reading and writing work.   In the art department, we need to teach our students how to use a ruler.  We also need to teach how to do simple calculations and measurements.  In high school.   This stems from problems at the elementary and middle school level.  I have taught in elementary and middle schools.  I might know what I am talking about.  My students at those levels did not have to be taught this stuff in art.  They came to my class knowing how to use a ruler.

As the prior interim superintendent told me in a very candid conversation, there is a lot wrong here and it goes deep.  He knew he could not even begin to change it in his brief tenure.  Many of us are trying to make this a better place.  We make our classes challenging.  We do not do the work for the kids.  We refuse to dumb it down.  We refuse to let the kids take shortcuts to get a semblance of success.  We make sure all students are welcome here, not just the Caucasian kids who are third generation residents or the athlete superstars.  Listen to us when we talk about why your complaints are misguided.  Listen to us when we talk about what we see is really wrong here.  We might know from experience.  If you keep focusing on the wrong issues, this place will not improve.  It will implode. Some of the best people are leaving or trying to get out.  You will be stuck with the colleagues who do not teach, who have relationships with students, who spend their 45 minute periods doing nothing but coaching work.  And those talented artists, musicians, thespians, and brainiacs will choose to go to another school.  You will not like what you will be stuck with.  But then again, maybe you will.  Maybe that is what you really want.  For the sake of my students, I hope not.

It is the third week in and things are moving fairly well.  The kids seem to be a great bunch. Maybe not as special as last year, but great.  I had one students run into the room saying he loves the class.  In addition, there are already a few students who have their own cameras.  That takes the burden off us like you can't imagine.  While the donation of cameras last year was helpful like you wouldn't believe, you still can't beat having your own camera and shooting at your leisure.

I like to switch things and vary things from year to year.  I might not introduce a project the same way or with the same examples.  So this year I am making a concerted effort to show much more artwork.  For the Point of View assignments, I am showing brief slideshow videos of work by Kertesz and Erwitt.  One of my kids from period 4 last year was in one of the Photo I periods and asked why I didn't show this last year.  I guess he liked what he was seeing.  I just can't do things the same exact way every single year.

I guess I could just coast like some teachers do, but I would be bored out of my skull.   I also liked the way the class flowed with me talking, then a video, then more instruction.  It broke things up nicely to keep things interesting.  However, there is one thing that in disrupting the flow like you wouldn't believe - period attendance.  I have a specific flow.  This having to take period attendance within the period is bunk.  It creates a lull that becomes hard to combat.  Yes, I could take it later within the period, but the way a studio class works, there really is very little downtime, if any at all, and the chances of forgetting or being too busy within the period are too great.  I don't like it.  I wish we could mark it between the periods.  It would not be so bad if the website did not log us out so quickly, but we have to log in to the computer each period, log in to the website, and so on.   Tedious and disruptive.  I need to reconfigure the flow of the period because I doubt this will go away.

The bright side?  The summer weather finally came - in autumn - and I can go in the pool after work each day to relax.

At my age it's pretty hard to meet and make friends with someone who has not done drugs. So I have friends who have/currently use(d) drugs, but only recreationally.  None of my current friends are addicts or regular users.  I don't do it, I have never done it, and I don't see myself ever doing it, even if certain ones were made legal.  I have my reasons.   I wish I could find other people who have never done drugs but the only one I knew died in an accident this summer.

Skippy was someone who found ways to get his thrills.  None of them involved something that could put his legal status in trouble.  He was the wildest, most free-living person I ever knew.  He lived life on the edge in ways that the drug users I have known dreamed of living.  I can't live like Skip because I have a calendar dictated career.  If I ever leave teaching, I aim to live like Skip.

He also treated everyone the same regardless of whether they lived clean like him or not.  I wish I could say the same for the drug users I have known.  After over 40 years of living, here are some observations and the attendant frustrations:

• The heroin users I have known did so due to some trauma earlier in life.  One used because he was sexually abused when a boy.  They never told me I was missing out or tried to get me to use. They saw it as a horrible thing they were stuck in. 
• The people I have known who used acid or other such stuff barely ever talked about it with me.  I didn't do it and they did and that was it.  We didn't socialize together at the types of places where they would be tripping and I was not.  I was, however, the one to call if someone was having a bad trip.  I was the one to lean on.  I was not a loser for not doing what they did.
• The people I knew/know who smoke weed are the ones who have treated me the worst.  They tell me I don't know what I am missing.  I am a loser.  I am closed minded.  I am a prude.  I am not fun.  I have been dumped by friends for not doing what they do.  Those who smoke weekly or daily have treated me like I am disposable.  I have been used for rides and favours.  I have been treated as if I was indispensable and loved until I was no longer useful.   I have found them to be flakey.  They might stress how much they want to be with you and hang out but when it comes right down to it, I don't see them unless they need something from me.  I have found the regular smokers in my life to be selfish and ignorant of the needs of those they claim to call friends.  

I have been told to be open minded.  I have been called too picky when it comes to befriending people, pushing away people who are not like me.  So I told myself to welcome everyone into my life.  However, this has led to disappointment.  I started to notice a pattern.  The people hubby tried to maintain friendships with flaked off.  The people I tried being friends with used me.  One thing in common - daily or weekly smokers.  I guess if I smoked, I have them as friends for life.  But I don't think friendship should be based on drug use.  I guess I am just curious about why all those in my life who smoke so regularly are so self-centered.  

Unlike users of other drugs, the smokers never cared why I don't use drugs.  Even if they let me explain, I would get "Not even once?  You are missing out."  Or "You will when it's legal."  Then they work on convincing me of what I should do.  I am not working on convincing them not to do something, so as a fellow adult they should stop trying to tell me what to do.

Here's the thing, my home life was such that I feared being caught doing something bad in ways that most kids did not have to deal with.  As a female, I realized what could happen when you lose control.  I never wanted to be in a situation where I was not in control.  There were enough things about my life I could not control.  Why put myself in a situation where I did not have control?  I also started to notice some differences in who used drugs, who got caught by police, and who got into trouble with the law for that use.  In the end, it looked like a fairly racist system to me.  And the data backs me up.  The use of drugs is nearly evenly split between white people and minorities.  When you look at who is in prison for non-violent drug offences (possession and/or use) the data skews frighteningly heavily towards minorities.  I saw this growing up in high school.  Why in the world would I want to take part in such a racist system?  

None of this has any bearing on my opinions of the medical or ecological uses of marijuana or hemp. As a person who has been dealing with depression since fourth grade, I understand that there could be benefits to my health.  An ex-boyfriend's mother had advanced MS.  She would have been in much better health if she could have medical marijuana according to evidence.  However medical applications are different.  Using hemp for cloth, paper, and such is different.  There are many different forms of the plant. There are many different ways to use it.

As I find more and more people are smoking regularly nowadays, I guess I have to get used to flakiness or being a loner.  Life just keeps running in circles.

First week done and here is the run-down:

• I was made fun of by a guidance counselor for looking for a veggie burger at the first day barbecue.  He kept making comments about going for the meat and being just generally obnoxious.
• Those standing behind him laughed along.  Repeatedly.
• No one sat with me at the table after I got my food.  One nice secretary asked me to join her at their table. I did, ate quickly, and ran back to my room.
• One co-worker ignored me as I tried to nod and say hello.  She proceeded to stare at me and give me dirty looks during our union meeting the next day.  I know this gal does not like me, but at least we usually fake it.
• Quite a few people looked right through me when I tried greeting them in the hall.  I guess that's what you get for running for union president.
• Some kids did come by to see me and say "Hi" before their days to report to school.  That was nice.  However, considering this summer's experience, I know I will never see them after they graduate.  Well, better enjoy the love while it lasts.

I just feel incredibly used and disposable.  The kids this year seem really nice, like last year, but I no longer have any illusions.  I will give them all I have, care about them, worry about their well-being.  They might even thank me.  Then when they say they want to keep in touch, I will never hear from them and I no longer expect to or even hope to.  I think "keeping in touch" means only contacting me when I might be able to help them out with camera advice, free prints for a show, or a donation to help with a catastrophe.

Union-wise, I don't care anymore.  I will continue to work on labor and education issues with my political group outside of work, but I cannot be bothered to work for better things for greedy, nasty, social climbers.  I have no debt.  I have no children.  I can get screwed in this next contract and not be financially hurt.  The rest of my colleagues cannot say the same.  I worked so damn hard for them over the past several years only to be shit on repeatedly.  I do not have enough years in the pension system to retire - I need to work several more years - but I am not sure how much longer I can take this.  

When my political group's chair referred to one member as the lead on a project when I had taken the project over, he actually apologized to me the next day.  I was so shocked.  The people in this group are thankful, considerate of each other's time and well-being.  No one wants anyone else to be overwhelmed or over worked.  We take and give.  

My students and colleagues just take.  I am running out of anything to give.

I have two more days of vacation left.  It has been good and bad.  I think the cats and I bonded fairly well.  That is comforting.  However, what promised to be a summer of me actually being social ended up being a summer of waiting around.  Both former students and acquaintances had made tentative plans and I usually left my schedule clear for nothing.  I am the kind of person who will get back to you if I say I will regarding plans to hang out.  I will also let you know pretty far in advance if it looks like I am not available.  I think I am a dying breed.  There was the weekend someone was potentially getting the ability to see me; the cafe trip that never happened on a Thursday night; the coffee and shooting adventure on that Wednesday, the Dunkin' chat session.....  You get my drift. And there are more than this....

It's not that I clear a busy schedule for these plans.  I have nothing going on in my life - clearly - but if hubby or the nieces and nephew were needing me, I made sure I let them know I might have plans so I left that time clear.  And then I got nothing.  Most of the time I diddled around the yard waiting for the confirmation that never came.  So you might say that I was a fool for leaving my schedule clear.  Yet due to my upbringing, I make sure I have a concrete reason for doing things as I do.  I had a friend who reamed me when I asked for some time for something because I apparently acted like I was always busy and like he never was.  So, I learned to make my schedule clear and always be available, to not be difficult to schedule time with.  And instead I end up sitting alone in my back yard with the damn ipad waiting for that thing to beep a message.

And so the students have received their schedules and I see the online flurry of excitement over having my class.  I am happy they like my class, but I no longer have any illusions that they will appreciate me post-graduation the way they appreciate other teachers.  Once we walk off that field in June, I know I will never see them again.  Unless they need something from me.  The girl who never thanked me for the use of the backdrops?  She needs something from me.  Received that e-mail on my holiday last week.  I'm sitting on it.  Then there are the kids who come to me to have me print things for their post-graduation endeavours.  I foolishly think they have come to visit me (me!), but then they get to the point and I look to see if I have enough paper and ink, and they say see ya before the ink is dry....

Sure, they might come and visit during the school day, but to be honest, I don't like that anymore.  There are only two boys who know how to do this without being intrusive.  They just come, sit, observe, talk to the kids about stuff (like their jobs, study abroad, helpful stuff), and have even helped me out in class.  The rest are really just interrupting me.  I need to teach and be present all the time for my kids.  When someone comes to chit chat in the middle of class, it is a problem.  Then there was the incident with the campus cop and the visitor who caused me some trouble.  I just don't need it.  I love my kids and used to love their visits, but I am no longer willing to get into trouble for someone's actions.  Particularly when I know these kids have more convenient time for other people.

So I am happy for the new classes and happy to get to see the kids again, but my hopes are no longer up for anything beyond that.  And I will continue to go to the club and dance my cares away and meet new people, but I know it ends once I pull away from Mulberry Street.

From a site I follow:

"Sometimes when we make excuses for allowing civil society to enable evil, we are not excusing evil—we are excusing civil society. Nobody wants to believe that the nation they live is capable of allowing this kind of poison to penetrate its bloodstream. Few of us want to believe that the mechanisms that have mostly worked to keep us safe—especially if we are white, straight, male, or middle class—are also capable of coexisting with a brand of fascism to which the prefix “crypto” is rapidly becoming redundant.

Those mechanisms have never worked as advertised. If you believed they did and would and could, you have made a dangerous error, and the very worst thing you can do right now is stick to your guns, because for a lot of angry white men out there, the guns they’re stuck to are anything but metaphorical."

I had a student in my class come up with a wonderful idea for the Aesthetics assignment.  She wanted to focus on the ugliness that came out after the election in November.  She was intent on creating images that conveyed the oppression felt by Muslims, LGBTQ people, and women.  She was passionate.  I liked her direction because she could clearly identify why she needed to do this and the concrete ways she had seen the people targeted in the past and how that had increased recently.

Then, she went to another teacher for feedback.  And she lost her focus, in more ways than one.  He played "devil's advocate" and as a result, she was now convinced that those who voted for and supported the candidate now installed in office were victims of persecution as well, for instance if the rest of the family did not support that candidate.  When talking about her discussions with him, she said he was "brilliant."  

By including images that portrayed a boy who supported the "president" as being victimized, she completely diluted her message.  I would say she invalidated it.  Why did I not say anything at the time?  I tried to counter what she had been told by the teacher.  It did not work.  He (note the gender) is highly respected, teaches History, and can do no wrong in the kids' eyes.  I am a she, teach fluff - I mean, Photography - and am used by my kids for support and advice until graduation.  Then I am thrown out like a piece of trash (until they need some help from me post-graduation - more on that later.).  Why would a student listen to me (a she) over another teacher (a he)?  

Reread the above quote.  

If a member of the group that has occupied a position of unencumbered privilege is playing devil's advocate, it comes form a place of ignorance.  If a member or an oppressed group does not play devil's advocate, it comes from a place of knowledge and experience.  The relationship with this female student deteriorated fairly quickly after this.  She seemed to lose respect for me, did not work, and even challenged me.  Connected?  Perhaps.  I did not take the bait and change my attitude towards her by leaving her art out of shows.  As a matter of fact, I made sure to continue to promote her work.   

Now, less than one week after the events in Charlottesville, can you tell me that there is any place for devil's advocacy?  A couple of weeks into the summer, said student e-mailed me asking for a favour.  She wanted her sister to use photo backdrop equipment for the summer theater program.  I replied with a yes and asked her to be careful with it due to budget issues and lack of ability to replace things.  

Did I get a "thank you"?  Take a guess.......  That is the last I heard from her.

Pause

A couple of weeks ago a person I knew died.  I hesitate to use the word "friend" loosely, so I just kept thinking of him as an acquaintance at this point.  Then, at his funeral on Friday, someone who spoke said that if you knew him, you were his friend and he was yours.  And I smiled.  I felt selfish and presumptuous thinking "friend" up until that point.  I call him "friend" now.

I met him at a dance club 20 years ago.  One person I mistakenly called a friend referred to this club as the place the losers went to.  Well, if these people are the losers, I'll take them.  It is probably the source of the most people I keep in contact with (over my schools, family, and previous jobs.)  He was one of the people on the after-closing diner trips.  You know, the ones where you drive home and the sun is coming up and the birds are waking up.  I'd get cinnamon toast and and and egg cream because that's all I had money for.  He got a full meal.  Always with bacon.

When that club burned down, sister and I saw him at another club.  We all seemed to relocate, en masse.  Then I stopped going for a variety of reasons.  Yet every time I saw him, he gave me a big hello and bear hug.  His hugs could lift you off the ground.  He had a big laugh.  He wore shorts no matter the temperature.  He danced like a silly goofball, but so did all of us.  His mohawk was really quite pristine, even when it became dappled with grey.  He was the kindest, happiest, most free person I have ever known.  He was child-like and incredibly mature at the same time.  At the new club I go to, I had been secretly hoping I would see him walk in whenever I knew he was back in the state.  That never happened.  But at least I bumped into him now and then.

At first glance, one would think he was immature.  He was not married.  He did not own a home.  He skated, rode motocross, loved loud punk music, moved around wherever the work was, ate like hell, and was quite the dancing fool.  At first glance, he did not seem to take anything seriously.  Yet, during his eulogy, things that I had completely forgotten about came flooding back.  Any serious issue conversation you had with him was intense and meaningful.  He was generous without the flash of drawing attention to it.  His presence made you happy if you were down, and I think that was no accident on his part.  When seeing pics online, I realize his path probably nearly crossed with mine a few times before the clubbing due to his presence at the Totowa ramp and that skate crowd as well as the music he liked.  I am really lucky that I did finally get to meet and be friends with him.

When I teach and work, I do my best to make all my kids happy.  I also do my best to be friendly to my co-workers.  Some have noted how happy I am in the classroom.  I have done my best to be loving, funny, and generous.  It has not always been this way.  I was working my first teaching job when I met him. Through the club, I got out of that place and got my next teaching job.  My teaching style changed.  I became happier and tried to make my students happier.  I think I was copying him a little bit.  When you see someone like that week after week, you are bound to learn something.  I learned a lot from him, I just didn't know it.

I have vowed to keep his spirit alive in my heart.  He had no college degree.  He had skills but not that paper.  He did as he pleased.  He didn't hurt a soul.  He was what I want to be and what I will now encourage all my students to be.  He danced with reckless abandon, traveled, treated people with kindness, didn't tell others what they should do, and did as he pleased.  He didn't play the game, he was happy, and had a positive impact on the people who met him.  His wake was at the same place as a friend of my husband's was almost 20 years ago.  Both died doing what they loved.  New Jersey traffic kept me from getting there before my niece's birthday party but the funeral the next day was packed to the rafters.  Both had unimaginable crowds for that last visit, with people coming from all over the country to pay their respects.  I still think about my husband's departed friend Joe to this day, I will keep thinking about Skippy for a very long time.

#WWSD, indeed.

How I Ended Up In the Dungeon Pert 4

So I proceed as normal like the good little worker bee that I am.  I suffer inside because, as you know, if a female expresses anger, it is feminized to being "upset".  I am cordial with the co-worker.

In the meantime, I find a box of slides belonging to a science department teacher.  I go see her to ask if they are indeed hers.  She is astonished that they are still there.  Here is the story:  AF offered to scan them for her.  They are years worth of slides for her subject matter, a couple of hundred.  She never saw them again, until today.  She thought he trashed them and was afraid to approach him.  Why?  He slashed her tires over a parking space.  We have no assigned spaces at work.  Parking is first come, first served, as it should be (If I can get my ass to work by 6.15 am, you had better believe I deserve a batter parking space than the history teacher who runs in the side door at 8.03 am.)  AF didn't think this woman should park where she was because he claimed it was "his" space.  She didn't comply and thought it immature.  He responded by slashing her tires.  She knew it was him because he had done the same to another female a few years prior (she had since left for another school).  When this woman asked administration to check the camera footage - knowing the incident was in in full view of a security camera - the claim that nothing was seen was made.  So she stayed silent.  I offered to do the scan job that AF never did.  I also learned what this man was capable of and that I had better not make waves.

Luckily, I made the program grow such that we needed another Photography teacher.  I now had two levels and could fill all eight periods with kids. After two years,  AF was moved across the building and I got my partner.  Like any roommates, we have issues, but they are minor.  However, the program continues to grow - I have AP now at the behest of the kids - and according to guidance, they could fill 10 whole periods of Photo based on demand.

I do still have issues.  Guidance has been encouraged or forced to not put individuals in my class over another class.  Kids are coerced into other classes by teachers or admin.  However, I am having fun with the special beings that end up in 026 every year.  I know I have a target on my back.  My old principal used to start the school year with a special e-mail to me nearly every August - a link to some article or report noting the death of film.  I think this qualified as some subtle form of harassment, but keep your head down, little girl. There is a custodian who always comes to chat me up in the mornings and peppers the conversation with his insider knowledge that the darkroom is going to be converted to class space for the Bergen County program.  Of course, he knows that I can be moved to room 148.  That room has a darkroom, you know.  Yes, space for two enlargers.  The hits just keep coming.  I also have a couple of colleagues who like to steal my kids.  (They do this to another gal in my department as well).  If they see we have a special creative bond/relationship with a student, and they happen to have that kid as well, they manipulate the student into dropping their concentration on our class and redirecting their focus on the other class.  They have even bullied/coerced the kids into not coming to us for extra help or advice.  Seem paranoid?  We thought so too until students confided in us what was going on.

I could go on, and I might continue this story another time.  However, I need to rest for now.  It has been a lonely, quiet summer.  There has been disappointment and death and the sun is finally out.  I have a rare chance to garden and some brand new music to listen to.

How I Ended Up In the Dungeon Part 3

I promptly sent an e-mail to my department head (DH) because I knew of issues with the other guy (AF) and female colleagues.  And here are my notes from what happened next...

Meeting 1

Department Head's office

Tuesday, 10/17/06

Present:  Department Head, Me

List of events

·       I am told that DH spoke to AF upon reciept of my letter the previous day. AF denied saying that I and my students did not know what we were doing.  I stand by what I put in the letter and state that I do not lie and everything in the letter is exactly what happened.

·       I am told that there are pipes in AF's room; the school will put a sink in room 027; I say I just want him to not come in my room when I have class because it is disruptive; he has five other periods when he can come in to use the sinks; I state I do not want the school to go to any expense.

·       I become angry at hearing of AF's comments and denial and ask DH if I should get the union or JW or VJ involved [note: this was based on knowledge of other issues within the building where colleagues had battles with each other]; DH says we do not want it to get that far, it is not necessary, it would be much worse if it goes further and “you don't want that.”  I even ask if I need to involve a lawyer.

·       I am told that AF said he has been pulled aside by my students because they needed help and were lost and confused; I said I never saw this in my room; DH says AF claims this happened in the halls throughout the day; I state he was approaching the students in my class with me right there.

·       DH attests to my dedication to the school; also reminds me of how I “wear [my] emotions on [my] face” and was “upset” with an incident with Sculpture 2 a few years ago; the implication is that I may be making a big deal out of nothing;  the incident with S2 referred to is when I found out the last week of school that I would not be teaching the course I developed, wrote curriculum for, and recruited students for and found out that two members of my department, my department head and principal were involved in this decision I knew nothing about.

·       DH says it is better to work this out at this level and AF wants to meet; I say only with another person present; DH says it will be the three of us and we arrange day and time.

·       The door between DH and his secretary's office (AF's then wife) was open the whole time.

·       After we hear AF's wife leave, I state to DH that I think AF said what her has been thinking all along but didn't mean to let slip out;  I state that I probably caught him off guard and he accidentally said what he really felt.

·       DH acknowledges this look like sour grapes on AF's part.

Notes:

I definitely get the feeling that DH want to nip this in the bud because it will look good for himself.  I feel like I am being bullied into not going further.

And then this happened...Read it ALL THE WAY TO THE END.

Meeting 2

DH's office

Tuesday, 10/17/06  after school

Present:  AF, DH, Me

List of events

·       I find out DH sees AF as a “very good friend” he has not known to lie; I am uncomfortable knowing this and realize that DH is not impartial.

·       I am first asked by DH to discuss the letter and I explain that I did it as a means of recording what was said between AF and me on Monday because of AF's reaction and it not being what I expected.

·       AF is given his chance and he starts speaking to me very angrily asking who am I to say these things and do this to him, leaning towards me and gesturing angrily; his face look very angry; I feel I am being verbally attacked.

·       AF says I said I don't know what I am doing and don't want my students to know this;  I am shocked by this lie and say that I cannot believe he is making this stuff up; AF says I don't remember what was said.

·       After AF is done with his tirade, I say to DH that I don't deserve to be talked to that way and want to have someone else in here now; DH works hard to dissuade me from involving anyone else saying that involving others would be very bad and “you don't want that.”

·       DH says that AF is high up in the union and knows about grievances and such and wouldn't do anything that could cause a problem; I look at AF and say to him that he is a very smart man and he knows exactly what he is doing, knows that there were no witnesses and it is my word against his; he smirks as I talk to him.

·       DH mentions the following a few times during the meeting:  their combined years of experience compared to mine, his close relationship with AF, it is the word of a good trusted friend versus a dependable worker, this is the first time he has had to deal with a inter-school disagreement like this.

·       DH says sometimes co-workers do not get along, citing an example of his own; AF and I should get along and remain friends because we used to be.

·       AF says we were friends, we've had dinner together and even sat together at last year's NJEA dinner; in fact, we have not been friends, just friendly to each other, we only ate together once and that is because there were not other seats available and he had to ask to sit at out table (we did not want him there) but I do not say this.

·       AF insists that I do not recall correctly and he did not say what I claim; he proceeds to question my ability to remember and I stand up and try to end the meeting a second time; DH again lets me know how bad it would be and it is better to fix this at this level; I feel like I am supposed to cooperate or else this will look bad for me alone.

·       I also had stated that I do not want FA to continue to slander me if this is settled today because anything I wrote in the letter is true and he should not be discussing this with people as if I lied.

·       I am continually correcting NS that I am not “upset,” I am “angry;” he finally uses the word “angry” rather than “upset.”

·       AF is allowed to have his say and relates some story about how he and another colleague across the hall used to interact with each other and go into each other's rooms and give each other feedback.

·       I have my say and state that I have worked in other districts and with a variety of people and that we all give and get feedback but that is not what AF was doing; I also state how surprised I was at his reactions to my reasonable requests.

·       I am coerced into agreeing to not take this further if both parties agree to not address that Monday discussion;  I am asked if I still want to go to JW and I say no;  AF is asked if he “still” wants to take this further and he states no; up until this point, I was made to feel by DH that I was the only one looking to go further with this but apparently not; DH expresses how proud he is of himself that he was able to solve this disagreement without it getting worse or going any further; DH wants us to be “friends” again and hug, and I stick out my hand to shake;  DH and AF chuckle and AF shakes my hand; DH lets me know that I should hug FA and I reluctantly do;  as soon as we are done, I run out to my room to clean up and run to my car.

Notes:

I did not want to continue the meeting as explained above, but given the fact that DH is my immediate supervisor, I was made to feel that I had no choice.  I felt he meant that it would be bad only for me if I took this further.

I felt that AF did not expect me to say anything to anyone about his claims to me that I and my students do not know what we are doing.  My actions caught him off guard and he and DH expected me to just give in and say that maybe AF was right, maybe I do not remember everything accurately.  When I stood by my version of the events, AF appeared to to press his lies as firmly.  I feel he was using the threat to DH to take this further as another way of scaring me.

DH was very hurt by the fact that he was not involved in the decision to take AF out of Photography and give it to me.  He had also, in the Spring, referred to LD (the only Art Dept hire he had any involvement in) as doing “great things with photos and computers”  while aware of the fact that I was going to be teaching photo.  This left me wondering what his purpose was in stating that since only one person would be teaching photo.  [I later found out that LD was to be brought in to take on the classes I could not teach due to the high demand for the class - the only good thing at this point]  I feel that DH sees himself and AF as the victims in the Photography issue and this put me at an immediate disadvantage in this event.  I also wonder if he sees it very easy to fill the photo position should I get angry and leave (as had happened in a similar situation).  Filling the position with his hire would be very good for him.

As I sat in this meeting, I felt I had no options.  I was dissuaded three times over the course of the day from having union representation.  I felt threatened by AF's tone of voice and DH's lack of effort to stop AF from speaking to me in that way.  The only person told to calm down at any time was me.  I was made to feel that I was acting like the typical emotional female and there was a definite condescending sexist undertone during the whole meeting.  I had to work hard to get DH to stop referring to me as “upset” and remind him that I was “angry.”  The ultimate indignation came when I was forced to hug AF.  I expressed my reluctance to do this by shaking his hand but the message was clear that I was supposed to hug him.

Welcome to my life....

How I Ended Up In the Dungeon Part 2

I spend the summer of 2006 refreshing my memory and brushing up on my photo skills.  Sister had a more recent version of Photoshop, and that kept me busy.  I also had a copy of the previous curriculum - basically useful as toilet paper at most.  I was on my own.  But I have always worked fine on my own.  Most of my other jobs were solitary and I was able to run the show with no interference.

I had three sections of Photography and I also had Yearbook and maybe Foundations of Art - I can't remember.  I went in to set the room up and unpack my order.  The pace was a hoarder's disaster.  There were Kodak paper boxes almost as old as I was, piled to the ceiling.  How any of this passed fire code was beyond me.  I needed extra hands.  My mother and hubby came in to help.  We worked all day.  I cleaned the place of obvious garbage - the man and I were still sharing the room.

The year starts off well.  I used the desk in that room - he used a desk/office area across the hall, which was now his main classroom.  Everything seemed hunky dory.  The kids wanted a second level of Photo.  I proposed it and wrote the curriculum.  The following year I had five sections.  I received word that they needed more sections due to demand.  I had dome my job as told - fix the program.  I thought I was OK.

Then intra-department issues.  Money for supplies is allocated to departments.  When Photo was moved to the Art Department,  the Business and Technology Department lost that money.  My program was not taking any money from the art budget.  Our budget grew because of the reallocation of money.  However, there was a belief that my program was taking money away from the other art classes.  I had the figures.  I showed all involved parties.  Meetings were tense.  I was on my own.  While half the department knew the facts, when I would be attacked in the meetings, I was left to defend myself.  Others knew that my program was not taking money form others, but no one spoke up to defend me.  The irony that the individuals who were involved in the decision to move me to photo were now angry with the success of the program was not lost on me.

However, I was having the time of my life.  I was meeting and working with some crazy talented kids.  The darkroom was a magical place.  Then this happened in October of 2006:

I was in the middle room helping students out as they came out of the darkroom.  The other guy needed a water source and his kids would cross the hall to use the photo sinks.  Sometimes what they were dumping would get in the print wash, but I said nothing, just quickly swooshed that liquid to the drain.  Then I come out from helping someone and find him advising one of my students.  Now, I - and a couple of colleagues - have no qualms about having kids get advice from others.  However, we do not give advice unsolicited.  That is stepping on the other teacher's expertise.

I called him out into the hall and asked what he was doing and asked that he please not advise my students because I am their teacher.  His reply was "Well, you don't know what you are doing."  within earshot of the kids.  He also said the students did not know what they were doing.  Except I had a file full of the past work from his classes.  I knew the quality of the work done by kids who had him as a teacher.  I have abysmal self esteem, but I was confident that my kids were on the right path.

So I e-mailed my department head about this incident.

To be continued....

How I Ended Up In the Dungeon Part 1

I have been teaching photography for 10 years.  It is at the point that my students have no idea that I did not begin my tenure at this place as the photography teacher.  So, I thought I would tell the story.

In the winter of 2006, I was called into the principal's (JW) office.  I was told I would be teaching photography the next school year (2006-2007).  Reasons given were that they wanted to re-vamp the program, move it from the Business and Technology Department to the Art Department, and I was the only person in the Art Department with a good amount of photography experience.  A non-administrator was involved in this decision, but that was not put in writing.  I was hired by this school to teach Sculpture and Yearbook.  This was my fourth year doing so.  School districts have "right of assignment" meaning you teach what they tell you to teach, as long as you are qualified.  I was also asked to not say anything to the current photo teacher or anyone else at all.  The impression I was given was that he was retiring and we didn't want to push him out the door.

I complied.

My photo experience was this:  Two college level photo courses, Assistant Photo Editor at a television magazine in NYC, research and photo library maintenance for a paparazzo and a major league sport organization.  Yes, I did have the most photo experience in my department.  Yet, I had not been in a darkroom for 10 years and the last time I worked on Photoshop was on an ancient version.  I needed to refresh my knowledge.  Coincidentally, my sister was leaving a photo job for a general art teaching job so we traded resources.  My district was not going to pay to help me train and refresh.  I spent the following months doing that on my own.

I was excited at the prospect of change.  Most teachers are not excited when told they are teaching something else.  It is usually a punishment.  I rarely sit still and have hopped around a lot in my life.  We moved a lot when I was growing up.  I switched schools a lot.  This did not feel like a punishment to me.  It felt like a gift.  My breathing was getting worse due to the refusal of the custodians to change the filters in my air filtration system in room 105.  I was getting sick of smelling like clay and being covered in dust all the time.  I mean, I wear nothing but dark colours.  This was not working!  I love the smell of chemicals.  What a match.

Then some things started happening.  My department head - who I had a wonderful relationship with - was kept in the dark.  When he found out, he was hurt that I "hid" it from him.  I had to tell him I was following orders and thought he knew.  Then the rest of the department found out.  One was involved in the decision - more on that once I leave the district.  One thought s/he was the head of the department and was angry with me because s/he was not involved in the decision.  Note s/he was not mad at the individual who was involved in the decision.  The rest were happy for me.

Then I found out the photo teacher was not retiring.  This was the superintendent's (VJ) way of trying to push him out.  JW and VJ had not liked this man for a long time.  Coincidentally, he was cruising and not putting effort into the program.  However, like typical administrators, they couldn't be bothered to create the paper trail to justify firing him.  Photography shrank to one period they had trouble filling.  The combination of the two situations - as well as an Art Department situation that will be told about another time - made for an easy solution.  They took away the program and moved me downstairs, away from anyone else in my department.  The guy dug in his heels and refused to leave.  He told them they would have to carry him out of there on a stretcher.  He was also led to believe by VJ, JW, and others that I went after the program.  And we would be sharing the room next year.  At no point did any of the involved parties make any effort to tell the photo teacher that the decision was made administratively and I was just following orders.  For the next few years I walked the halls with people talking about how I deceived people and stole the program from someone.

To be continued....

Friends

A former student posted something online this week about not having a best friend and always feeling like the extra in groups of friends.  Then the flurry of comments come.  "Let's hang out", "Call me and we'll get together", "I miss you",  "I'll be your best friend", blah blah blah.  I don't know if she smelled the bullshit, but it reeked by me.  I could have written that post any day of the past 35 years.  I smell the bs claims to want to hang out from a mile away.  It seems to be so much easier to make those claims as well when we have social media.

Here's the thing, if you are keeping in contact via social media by liking pics and posts, making the odd comment here and there, and you make no other effort, you are not reciprocating friendship.   After a suicide last school year, a friend of the kid was bothered that he didn't accept the offer to hang out with said person the last time he heard from him. Now he was dead.  This student then reframed the suicide as selfish.  Not exactly.  The selfish person was you, the person who just figured because you keep in minimal contact on social media, and you were too "busy" (bs excuse), that person would always be there.

Guess what...   The people you rely on or consider "friends" will not always be there.  Do not take their presence for granted.  An acquaintance from the club I go to just lost a kid he knew in a car accident.  So far this year, there have been suicides, drug overdoses, death due to illness, and accidents.  No one's presence here is guaranteed.  This girl's comment this week really hit home.  My father has great trouble making friends.  My mother has pushed away anyone she does not approve of.  He has no best friend, no one to talk to or confide in (I am the spitting image of him in way too many ways).  He finally made one a couple of years ago.  I was thrilled for him.  A few months ago, the man died suddenly in an accident.  I passed by the broken divider on the highway recently and all I could think of was the loss.  And the fact that while some of us end up friendless and it is out of our control, for most of you, it is within your control.

And I keep thinking about this girl's post.  Comments from a bunch of people who come around too late.  What if we just took the time to hang out and talk face-to-face once in a while?  What's so hard about accepting an invite to hang out (or extending one to those who have anxieties about initiating)?  I am tired of hearing or reading "Yeah, we'll hang out sometime" because sometime never comes.  It might not come due to laziness.  It might not come because of loss.  If you care about someone enough to use the word "friend" in connection with them, make time to see them (in the flesh, not snapchat or online crap), make the time to actually talk.  Because being in the presence of others and hearing their voices and being able to see and touch them is better than this online crap.  That's not friendship.  That's minimal effort.  If you are lucky enough to have people who want to be with you, take advantage of that.  We're all going to die, some sooner than others.