How I Ended Up In the Dungeon Part 3

I promptly sent an e-mail to my department head (DH) because I knew of issues with the other guy (AF) and female colleagues.  And here are my notes from what happened next...

Meeting 1

Department Head's office

Tuesday, 10/17/06

Present:  Department Head, Me

List of events

·       I am told that DH spoke to AF upon reciept of my letter the previous day. AF denied saying that I and my students did not know what we were doing.  I stand by what I put in the letter and state that I do not lie and everything in the letter is exactly what happened.

·       I am told that there are pipes in AF's room; the school will put a sink in room 027; I say I just want him to not come in my room when I have class because it is disruptive; he has five other periods when he can come in to use the sinks; I state I do not want the school to go to any expense.

·       I become angry at hearing of AF's comments and denial and ask DH if I should get the union or JW or VJ involved [note: this was based on knowledge of other issues within the building where colleagues had battles with each other]; DH says we do not want it to get that far, it is not necessary, it would be much worse if it goes further and “you don't want that.”  I even ask if I need to involve a lawyer.

·       I am told that AF said he has been pulled aside by my students because they needed help and were lost and confused; I said I never saw this in my room; DH says AF claims this happened in the halls throughout the day; I state he was approaching the students in my class with me right there.

·       DH attests to my dedication to the school; also reminds me of how I “wear [my] emotions on [my] face” and was “upset” with an incident with Sculpture 2 a few years ago; the implication is that I may be making a big deal out of nothing;  the incident with S2 referred to is when I found out the last week of school that I would not be teaching the course I developed, wrote curriculum for, and recruited students for and found out that two members of my department, my department head and principal were involved in this decision I knew nothing about.

·       DH says it is better to work this out at this level and AF wants to meet; I say only with another person present; DH says it will be the three of us and we arrange day and time.

·       The door between DH and his secretary's office (AF's then wife) was open the whole time.

·       After we hear AF's wife leave, I state to DH that I think AF said what her has been thinking all along but didn't mean to let slip out;  I state that I probably caught him off guard and he accidentally said what he really felt.

·       DH acknowledges this look like sour grapes on AF's part.

Notes:

I definitely get the feeling that DH want to nip this in the bud because it will look good for himself.  I feel like I am being bullied into not going further.

And then this happened...Read it ALL THE WAY TO THE END.

Meeting 2

DH's office

Tuesday, 10/17/06  after school

Present:  AF, DH, Me

List of events

·       I find out DH sees AF as a “very good friend” he has not known to lie; I am uncomfortable knowing this and realize that DH is not impartial.

·       I am first asked by DH to discuss the letter and I explain that I did it as a means of recording what was said between AF and me on Monday because of AF's reaction and it not being what I expected.

·       AF is given his chance and he starts speaking to me very angrily asking who am I to say these things and do this to him, leaning towards me and gesturing angrily; his face look very angry; I feel I am being verbally attacked.

·       AF says I said I don't know what I am doing and don't want my students to know this;  I am shocked by this lie and say that I cannot believe he is making this stuff up; AF says I don't remember what was said.

·       After AF is done with his tirade, I say to DH that I don't deserve to be talked to that way and want to have someone else in here now; DH works hard to dissuade me from involving anyone else saying that involving others would be very bad and “you don't want that.”

·       DH says that AF is high up in the union and knows about grievances and such and wouldn't do anything that could cause a problem; I look at AF and say to him that he is a very smart man and he knows exactly what he is doing, knows that there were no witnesses and it is my word against his; he smirks as I talk to him.

·       DH mentions the following a few times during the meeting:  their combined years of experience compared to mine, his close relationship with AF, it is the word of a good trusted friend versus a dependable worker, this is the first time he has had to deal with a inter-school disagreement like this.

·       DH says sometimes co-workers do not get along, citing an example of his own; AF and I should get along and remain friends because we used to be.

·       AF says we were friends, we've had dinner together and even sat together at last year's NJEA dinner; in fact, we have not been friends, just friendly to each other, we only ate together once and that is because there were not other seats available and he had to ask to sit at out table (we did not want him there) but I do not say this.

·       AF insists that I do not recall correctly and he did not say what I claim; he proceeds to question my ability to remember and I stand up and try to end the meeting a second time; DH again lets me know how bad it would be and it is better to fix this at this level; I feel like I am supposed to cooperate or else this will look bad for me alone.

·       I also had stated that I do not want FA to continue to slander me if this is settled today because anything I wrote in the letter is true and he should not be discussing this with people as if I lied.

·       I am continually correcting NS that I am not “upset,” I am “angry;” he finally uses the word “angry” rather than “upset.”

·       AF is allowed to have his say and relates some story about how he and another colleague across the hall used to interact with each other and go into each other's rooms and give each other feedback.

·       I have my say and state that I have worked in other districts and with a variety of people and that we all give and get feedback but that is not what AF was doing; I also state how surprised I was at his reactions to my reasonable requests.

·       I am coerced into agreeing to not take this further if both parties agree to not address that Monday discussion;  I am asked if I still want to go to JW and I say no;  AF is asked if he “still” wants to take this further and he states no; up until this point, I was made to feel by DH that I was the only one looking to go further with this but apparently not; DH expresses how proud he is of himself that he was able to solve this disagreement without it getting worse or going any further; DH wants us to be “friends” again and hug, and I stick out my hand to shake;  DH and AF chuckle and AF shakes my hand; DH lets me know that I should hug FA and I reluctantly do;  as soon as we are done, I run out to my room to clean up and run to my car.

Notes:

I did not want to continue the meeting as explained above, but given the fact that DH is my immediate supervisor, I was made to feel that I had no choice.  I felt he meant that it would be bad only for me if I took this further.

I felt that AF did not expect me to say anything to anyone about his claims to me that I and my students do not know what we are doing.  My actions caught him off guard and he and DH expected me to just give in and say that maybe AF was right, maybe I do not remember everything accurately.  When I stood by my version of the events, AF appeared to to press his lies as firmly.  I feel he was using the threat to DH to take this further as another way of scaring me.

DH was very hurt by the fact that he was not involved in the decision to take AF out of Photography and give it to me.  He had also, in the Spring, referred to LD (the only Art Dept hire he had any involvement in) as doing “great things with photos and computers”  while aware of the fact that I was going to be teaching photo.  This left me wondering what his purpose was in stating that since only one person would be teaching photo.  [I later found out that LD was to be brought in to take on the classes I could not teach due to the high demand for the class - the only good thing at this point]  I feel that DH sees himself and AF as the victims in the Photography issue and this put me at an immediate disadvantage in this event.  I also wonder if he sees it very easy to fill the photo position should I get angry and leave (as had happened in a similar situation).  Filling the position with his hire would be very good for him.

As I sat in this meeting, I felt I had no options.  I was dissuaded three times over the course of the day from having union representation.  I felt threatened by AF's tone of voice and DH's lack of effort to stop AF from speaking to me in that way.  The only person told to calm down at any time was me.  I was made to feel that I was acting like the typical emotional female and there was a definite condescending sexist undertone during the whole meeting.  I had to work hard to get DH to stop referring to me as “upset” and remind him that I was “angry.”  The ultimate indignation came when I was forced to hug AF.  I expressed my reluctance to do this by shaking his hand but the message was clear that I was supposed to hug him.

Welcome to my life....