I have been battling headaches every day for over a week, fearful of getting a migraine while at work.  I wake and my bones ache, ankles, hips, and knees cracking as I walk down the stairs.  My fingers are stiff and in pain from the rapidly evolving arthritis.  There's other stuff on the brain too.  But once I get to work, all is well.  My kids are so nice and good to me and each other.  We went on a field trip to Eastern State Penitentiary yesterday and the guide was the best one we've had yet.  He was complimentary to the students too.  He said they were so well behaved and polite - not what he is used to from high school students.  It made us proud of our kids.  I might have been beaming.  They were even well behaved on the bus and left absolutely no garbage behind.  That was a first for me.  Then, at least two of them thanked me when disembarking.  Are you kidding me?  That might have also been a first.

It reminded me of the times I have brought kids to Europe.  Trips are no cinch to plan.  It is an extremely overwhelming task.  Of all the students I have brought abroad, only one thanked me for all my work after the trip to Paris.  Another teacher who wrangled her way onto my last trip got a ton of thank you's.  So, you see, getting thanks yesterday stunned me.  I went home on a cloud.  Friendship situations might really suck right now - actually, all the time - but my kids are super and make me feel good.

Then I get a student who is in a real sour mood.  I do not take those things personally, no matter how much she/he might be snapping at me.  The thing that hurts is that I cannot make the person feel better.  I want my room - or, in a perfect world, the whole school - to be where you can drop the sucky parts of life at the door and be comfortable and happy, at least for 45 minutes but hopefully more.  I let myself down when I cannot make my room that place for my kids.  I want my students to do well and work all the time in my class.  My thinking is that if they can succeed at producing some great images in class, that great end result will lift their mood and give them a greater sense of self worth.  But I know they don't think that way.  To them, I am just pestering.  They want to be left alone.  And I cannot do that.  I failed at that today and it is bothering me.

So sometimes each day begins with feelings of worthlessness.  It might be the crappy commute, education field pressures from the state, problems with friends, or anything you can think of. The worthlessness is like that cough that I just can't shake.

And then the first student walks in.   And the greeting is so happy and heartfelt.  Then someone comes in to get extra work done - for my class or another, it makes no difference - and I get the nicest "thank you" for having my room, computer lab, and printer available.  Then the kids who shot the night before come in to return their equipment from the previous night's shoot, instead of hanging onto it for the whole day, unavailable for others.  Then the Period one students show up and it's like the family has arrived for a holiday.  I am so relieved to have these kids in my life every year.  It helps a lot.

So I started the portrait assignment this week.  Period 1 was able to start shooting on Thursday, Periods 2 & 6 Friday.  I had a demo duo set up and shoot for the class the day prior.  Then, the full works the following day.  Period 1, Thursday made me so happy.  I have paired the students up based on who I thought they would work best with, for any of a number of reasons.  In Periods 1 & 2, the kids were able to work with their own friends, for the most part.  Those who had trouble decided had their partners chosen by me.  Period 6?  A whole other story.  The class is nothing like my period 8 hell last year, but there are some students for whom alternative methods are most certainly called for.  So I paired the kids up in that period.  And the kids understood my methods!  Hilarious!

So period one, Thursday ran like a well oiled machine.  I have told the classes that there will be 3-4 duos shooting.  Yet that does not mean that the rest of the class sits and watches.  All extra hands are to be assisting:  light, reflectors, set up the backdrops, you name it.  The reason?  I tell them that of all my colleagues from my NBA Photo Library days who are now shooting games, teams, and sports portraits, every single one of them started out assisting a staff photographer.  They started carrying equipment, and went form there.  I tell them that I have a problem with people pooh-poohing Visual Arts graduates because they do not get into full time artist careers straight after earning the BFA.  Well, then stop pointing out that nay business related career must involve starting at the bottom.  Expect the same thing in that case.

Well, with that analogy, they get it.  And not one student was not helping out on Thursday.  I had four shoots going - one in the hall, one in the middle room, two in the classroom - and everyone figured out a way to assist.  And then the same thing happened on Friday.  I did have a couple of students in periods 2 & 6 sit and observe.  Those kids missed the demo lesson the day before.

And by the end of all periods, all equipment was put away before the bell.  I cannot convey how happy this has made me.  I don't know if I have found a better means of getting my lessons across, if the kids are that much better this year, if there is a more cooperative vibe in the building, or if the bad luck gods have given me a break.  I think it might be all of the above.  It is the one thing right now that makes the days better.....

"Saturated by so much meaningless noise and language, the mass audience is surrounded by a world of debased communication.  Such trivialized experiences with thought and information habituate working people not to think at length or deeply about ideas or reality.  They don't listen carefully - to the news, to their teachers, parents, bosses, cops, or to each other - unless there is something special going on, like a spectacle involving crime, sports, money, sex, or instructions on how to do something they need (like getting a job, financial aid, or cheap car insurance).  The sensory flood from media joins the rush of daily life to make their minds work too fast to do close reading of texts and critical scrutiny of ideas.  Their mental potentials remain undeveloped, but also undestroyed."

- Ira Schor, "The Working Class Goes to College"

The above is one of many essays in an anthology from 1978 called Studies in Socialist Pedagogy.  I know most American teachers would shun a book with that title, but they would be depriving themselves of a great deal of wonderful insights.

So why did I copy the above quote?  There was a fight in school yesterday.  As usual, when these things happen, the involved are many kids I have in class, had in class, or just know because I tend to get to know kids through my daily adventures in the building.  Then there are the teachers who know the names, but only due to the individuals' supposed infamy.  As I have said before, I am one of the go-to people for the more challenging kids.  I respect them and they respect me.  I have colleagues who teach in that rarified world of high honours.  That world where due to their gender, coaching status and ass-kissing talents, will never see these kids.  Their schedules are never mixed up with various levels of the subject.  They are the honours teachers, and that is that.  Strange, because I don't remember there being an honours track in teacher preparation programs, but I digress.  I have been able to get kids to do work with complex machinery (manual film camera, darkroom enlarger) and finicky chemical processes (film and paper development) that my colleagues would completely fail at.  Yesterday, eighth period, I watched one of those kids fly through taking film out of a cassette and putting it on a tank and reel for development.  Success on a massive level.  And I know that when I am back at work tomorrow, he will develop that film, with the usual grumbling about me working him too hard, but acquiescing quickly.

Now look at the title of the essay it comes from.  Those kids usually come from one class.  The fancy pants kids don't have the same issues.  And they end up in life situations that enable them to study and excel with few distractions.  These kids I get have children, no parents, no money, learning disorders, anger management issues. Now re-read the quote.  What would Schor say now with the over-saturation our kids are involved in on a daily basis?   I have to try to get through to my kids despite everything else.

And so the fact that that kid made it to me eighth period is a sign of something massive.  He could have been caught up in the stuff yesterday.  But he opted out.  He missed my first period class (he, like many teenagers, is not a morning person) but made it to me during my prep to make up the work.  Why?  I don't know why he opted out.  But I do hope it has something to do with the way I treat him,  the conversations we have, and the way his first period classmates treat him.  A student a couple of years ago noted that the class was like a family.  Someone was out sick and we were talking about the void left by that classmate.  And the kid nailed it.  I want my classes to be like a family.  We argue, and then we work through it.  We help each other when struggling.

Schor notes in the last sentence that the mental potential of those students is undestroyed.  I want my kids to get through my class undestroyed, but newly developed in a positive way.

So the only reason I am here is because there is a department budget meeting today.  If I do not show up for this, my program will be raked over the coals.  I started teaching Sculpture at this school in 2002.  After four years of that, they moved me to Photography (a long and complicated story of power play and revenge, of which I was merely a pawn).  Photo was a part of the Business/Technology department, as was its budget.  Once the program was given to me, it was moved to the Art department, as was its money.  B/T lost the money, Art gained it.

However, to this day I still have to deal with the "Photo eats up a lot of the Art department budget" bullsh*t.  Year after year, the same old sh*t.  One would think that seeing the dollar allotment increase upon movement of my program would have helped my colleagues understand that I am not sucking money from them, but no.  It's like the people who say that Planned Parenthood sells baby parts on the black market.  You can disprove the claims any number of times, but the lie serves their purposes much more and is more readily believed.  So, here I am, nose dripping, trouble breathing, nasty cough, and psychedelic phlegm.  Because when it comes to what is best for the kids, I am the only one who will look out for them and their Photo program.  When the budget fight comes up, I am left alone while some people chew me out for "taking" their money while others stay silent.  Sigh.....

As if I do not have enough stress and disappointment, I am making the In School Suspension proposal again.  Yes, third time.  With our new Super, I think this might be the time that my proposal is actually read and considered.  I have spent the morning looking up more research on the benefits and the best practices.  There is a lot out there.  One thing I found - that I love - is a sort of community service alternative to Out of School Suspension.  So, I have saved or printed a number of new found research pieces.  I am not deluded in thinking that ISS is the only solution, but it is a better solution than shoving the kids out of the building with loss of instructional time.  I know there exists a peer type of program here.  However, considering I am one of the teachers that gets the "problem" kids, I have never had a student who has experienced that program.  So who benefits from this?  Beats me, but it sure isn't anyone I know.  I think the time is ripe for some things that benefit the kids who the old guard wanted pushed out.

One more thing....  While talking to hubby about the amazingly friendly, positive classroom atmosphere and the attitude of the kids, he brought up a great point.  This was the first year we started without the figurehead.  I know the kids were not fond of him.  The feeling they got from him was one of condescension and nastiness.  Not many thought he was a nice person.  Some kids noted how he would talk down to them if correcting them.  Just as we breathed a collective sigh of relief upon his departure, I think the kids might have too, just without being cognizant of what was happening.  Could this man's demeanor and way of running things really cast that much of a pall over the vibe of the school.  Absolutely.  I know lots of people think things will never change.  I will say this...  Those pulling the strings in this district will probably pull the plug on any massive changes when push comes to shove.  But while the current leadership is doing things that help the mood right now, I will enjoy it while it lasts.

15

Recommendation letter count update:

The day I completed the last of the 14 recommendation letters and evaluations for the Common App, I received another recommendation letter request.  I told the kids I get paid by the number of letters we write.  They believed me.  I told them the harsh truth.  And then I cried a little inside.

Inclusion

So there was a very important faculty meeting last week.  The new superintendent introduced a new school-wide initiative:  Inclusion.  The scuttlebutt about the building was that the topic of the meeting was something horrible.  Me?  I pay no mind to that kind of rumour.  been there, done that, seen it all....

So when colleague and I hear what the topic is...  Well, we snickered.  Inclusion?  That's all we do in the art room.  Especially the two of us, since we are the go-to gals for the more challenging students.  Looking to include Special Education students into a none sped class?  Emotionally Disturbed, Developmentally Disabled, Learning Disabled, ADD, ADHD, Physically Disabled, Autistic, Asperger's....  You name it, the two of us have taken one and all.  And for the majority of the time we have no aid.  The students' IEPs are addressed by having them in our classes.  We read the IEPs thoroughly and modify how we teach based on those documents.  We talk to other teachers who have those kids to figure out how best to address issues that pop up.  We voluntarily read journals and literature on those kids' disabilities on our own time.

So, needless to say, when the Super was speaking, we kept nodding, smirking at each other, giving the thumbs up.  What she was proposing - team teaching, addressing the IEPs for real, having a mix of kids in one room - is what we have been doing every day, every year.  And we pride ourselves on our ability to get those kids to learn and feel a sense of accomplishment.  In many ways, they come up to the level of the so-called "regular ed" class.  And we do it all with no aides.

But, oh, the reception from my colleagues.  The worst lukewarm applause after the Super was done speaking.  So disrespectful.  And the sullen looks on peoples' faces walking out.  The grumbling from regular ed teachers was not kept quiet at all.  What are they worried about?  They will have disruptive students.  There will be kids at varied learning levels in one room.  They will have to adhere to IEPs (yes, that means you really have to read them).  If the Super has things run they way she hopes, the sped teachers will not merely be sitting in the room as an aide but will be an active participant in the teaching of the class.  That means the regular ed teacher is not in this alone - as we specials teachers always are.  Oh, so your test scores might go down?  Well, take a look at my students' QBA scores.  That is what happens when you get students of all learning levels.

I happened to see a Phys Ed teacher on the way out of the building.  He laughed at the regular ed reactions for the same reasons.  Afraid of having kids of varied abilities in one room together?  With no aides?  Welcome to our world.

Then I mention it to a non-education friend.  He disagrees with inclusion completely.  His reasons included the sped classmates being disruptive, beating up on kids, etc..  Two thoughts - which he seemed to not want to understand - are that the teacher and administration should have dealt with the disruptive behaviour.  I make a concerted effort to make sure those who are keeping up, paying attention, doing the work, are not penalized or slowed down due to classroom disruption.  When kids disrupt, I turn to those listening and teach to them.  The disruptions realize I will not cater to them and they eventually pay attention and work to keep up.  Pedagogically speaking, there are ways to deal with classroom disruptions without depriving any of your students of the education they deserve.  Teachers that allow disruptions to take over are not trying or do not know how to take care of it.

I cannot yet say that inclusion is absolutely wrong.  My classroom has been "inclusion" for years.  My gut instinct and my observations tell me that the teachers who grumble about this either do not have the experience to do it right or refuse to change their teaching style and drop their snobbery about having only the best kids.  I have read the arguments against it.  I am not yet convinced.

14

That is the number of recommendation letters I have to write.  Oof.  I have to check my non-existent records.  That might be the most I have ever had to write.  I have four more to do and that includes the one that just came in yesterday.  Holy crap.

I went for my physical yesterday.  My doctor said I looked washed out. He assumed it was the monthly visit, but that's not it.  I am getting exhausted but I do not want to slow down.  I am having fun going out socializing.  I am meeting new people who are just plain nice.  Hubby and I are doing volunteering and socializing.  I am still coming in to work by 6.15 every morning.  The kids are great.   I do not want to slow down.

So I was purging my digital files in my folder on the network last week.  I was looking through the 2012 Photo II and III files.  Damn.  That was the last year the kids were really creative.  The work was so cerebral.  There was an immense amount of personal expression going on.  The different ways the girls found to communicate was just so refreshing.  I mean, my kids this year are great.  I like most of the kids every year.  However, I have found it is getting increasingly hard to get the kids do use the camera for anything but documenting.  In 2012, the kids used the camera to capture a story, a tableau that was created with some great effort.  They used post camera editing to enhance the message, not just make it look "cool".

So yesterday the kids in one period asked if I have a snapchat.  I do not.  I told them all I do is facebook.  They were aghast.  Apparently fb is old.  Then the usual questions:  Twitter?  Instagram?  and others....  They were shocked I do not have an Instagram, considering I teach photo.  I said I prefer creating those filter effect for real with the camera, film, and printing.  They got it, but the exchange clued me in to the issue:  They are so inundated with filter-applied photos that they think that is the accurate representation of what the camera is used for.  The images the kids are inundated with do not tell a story.  That comes with caption and all the following comments.

So the challenge is to get them to use the camera to tell a story; communicate feelings, ideas, or opinions;  use the medium with intentions other than taking a pretty picture.  I think I can get this easily with the Photo I kids.  Intellectually, I think they are there.  Photo II?  Their senses have been dulled by what they look at in their spare time.  I need to look up some stuff to let them know what can be done with the image.   I want another year like 2012.  I want to look back at the work they did and see each kid's personality and ideas in the work, not just a bunch of pretty pictures.

All family in France are safe.    I have family who live in the suburbs of Paris.  Some work in the city.  Some socialize there.  After anxious waiting and phone calls, I found out all are home safe.

This reminds me of when there was a major natural disaster (it was either an earthquake or a mudslide) in Italy when we were little.  The waiting for the phone calls was stressful.  All were ok, but it sucks, nonetheless.

So this past week, someone contacted me on facebook.  He/she said they remembered seeing me from going out years ago and they were happy to see me out and about again.  Needless to say, the only reason I think anyone notices me is to laugh at me.  But this seemed genuine.  I had no clue as to who this was or even the gender.  Then he came up to me last night.  It was someone I recognized from eons ago too.  It makes me feel so good being approached by people who remember seeing me and not in a negative way.  I have always been made to feel that I was the outsider, not worth the trouble to socialize with.  Same with my sister.  So to hear people reminisce about seeing us out and about in a fond way...  Well, it makes me feel warm and gushy inside.  I guess I am not such a loser.

So how is this related to family in Europe?  Well, he is Hungarian.  Holy crap!  He immediately asked me if I spoke Hungarian!  In my flustered state, all I heard was "Magyarul?".  Ha ha...  And I was ashamed that I let my Hungarian lessons go.  He mentioned visiting with family in Budapest.  And I was reminded of when a long lost cousin of my dad's contacted him and found out I had recently been in Hungary.  His first question?  "Was she looking up family?"  So now, I vow to return to my lessons in earnest and doing the genealogical research.

The lesson?  There is an ocean between us.  Some of our more immediate family might forget about our roots.  But there are people over there that we have a connection to and if we wait too long, they will all be gone.

Another fabulous trip to look at art.  We went to Philadelphia during the teacher's convention.  I spent Saturday in the Philadelphia Museum of Art.  There were two exhibits I wanted to see: a contemporary photo exhibit and one of the work of a guy I had not heard of.  The contemporary one did nothing for me.  That was the one I had hopes for.  Bleh.  But the other one?  Whoa.  The photographer - Dave Heath - is someone I wish I knew of earlier in my life.  I would have enjoyed finding this kindred spirit years ago.  His work was so "me" in many ways.  He is clearly a man who likes his solitude and likes to observe.  He is also clearly sensitive to the good and bad going on around him.  His photographs made me feel so un-alone, even though others would see nothing but loneliness in them.  I was talking to the gallery guard about the work at the end.  I told him he must love spending all this time with this work.  You could look in the eyes of the people and Heath captured them in such a way that you could almost have a conversation just looking into their eyes.

I also got the feeling I would really like to talk to Heath about how he views the world and the ethics that matter to him.  That's the kind of person I could enjoy being friends with.  He might have been shooting for himself, but the images he captured could enlighten a great deal of this society.  And they aren't in your face like Mary Ellen Mark's or Diane Arbus' work.  His photos from his time in Korea say more about war than any battle field image.  His shots of African American men and boys have more about racism and life under racist American law than any image of a riot or some such event.  I was the only visitor to this exhibit that took as long as I did.  Others - all older than me - breezed right on through.  I wonder if not many people get the meaning or the message.

One thing that upset hubby and I while in Philly: the increased number of homeless people.  We don't know the shelter situation in that city, so we could only speculate.  There was one guy with a cat - Socks! - and hubby gave him money for food.  Then, the next day, while hubby was out and about, he got to talking to another guy and bought him lunch and milk.  We donate to our local food pantry every time the Boy Scouts hold a food drive.  We donate to food pantries, homeless advocacy groups, and such.  And I think that everyone has the same attitude until reality smacks me in the face.  I am still correcting students who refer to "bums" and "hobos" and think it is ok to photograph them as a funny subject (though I will be surprised to get this with this year's bunch).  I am still encountering people who "tsk tsk" when they see men and women in need at highway exits asking for money.  Have you ever understood the sincerity of the thank you you get when giving them something?  I am still having to grit my teeth when acquaintances refer to areas as "ghetto", ignorant of the hypocrisy of using that word when you are not above frequenting that area of a city, but not smart enough to acknowledge your part in perpetuating that situation in society.

In ridding myself of one major source of negativity in my life, and having a wonderfully enlightened group of students this year, I am realizing I have less and less tolerance for things in people in my peer group.  I have little patience for ignorance disguised as smug above-it-all attitude, thinly veiled racism (like hitting the door lock in my car when riding through a neighbourhood a block away from the club you aren't above frequenting every weekend), and general lack of ability to be a productive, sympathetic part of society.   Too many of my peers have grown up so sheltered that they have an inability to have any compassion for people unlike them who have a rough time.  There is an inability to look beyond their prejudices.  Looking at this exhibit in Philly made me realize that there are others who do see more clearly and I need to find those people and surround myself with them.

Some pretty cool things that happened in the classroom this week:

• kids who are not friends and have nothing in common other than being in the same period together helped each other immensely through the processes; 
• a couple of students were not happy with "meh" negatives and insisted on re-shooting because they knew they could do a better job, vowing to come in extra to meet the deadline;
• a student's conversation with a challenging classmate involved telling him how he is in a good class because everyone helps each other; the compassion and sincerity were wonderful to see;
• students having a political discussion around the development sink and explaining how they came to have the opinions they were expressing;
• one of the more challenging students I have comes in extra to get the work done;
• another student requests Frank Sinatra for the darkroom and is disappointed when I left it on my toilet at home; I vowed to remember it on Monday.

Seeing and experiencing this goodness in my classroom makes the job easier to handle.  With so many varied personalities thrown together in a room - all levels, all backgrounds - many horrible things could happen.  Luckily, that is not the case.  I know that some of my kids are not angels.  Some might be mean to others, deceitful, far from exemplary people.  But for the time that they are with me, they are good people.  I treat them as I want them to treat me and each other.  And it works.  

And then I step out into the world and it is not the same.

I have always thought I had a good sense of a person.  I have usually been right when judging a person to be good at heart when others dismissed them or sense someone's BS when others are blindsided by sweetness.  However, in a few instances, I have been proven that I can be very far off.  I am apparently not a great judge of character, at all.  I maintained a friendship with a person who was becoming a cruel racist, all for the sake of the memories and dedication to the friendship.  I have mistaken meekness and sadness as real when they masked a deep rooted selfishness and manipulation.  Some people I thought were cruel and shady have turned out to actually be nice and sincere.

Why is my inner human compass out of sorts?  I want to tell the people I despised that I am sorry if I gave attitude, but I just try to be nice and hope that makes up for it.  I want to tell the former friends who turned out to be cruel people to stop hurting me and others for selfish gain.  At times, I know that solitude is better than being with people who make you doubt yourself. I am not sure if people used to always be this selfish and cruel, but I have a hunch that is not the case.  I wonder if people are becoming more and more cruel and selfish these days, worried only about how things that happen in this world will affect them.  I saw it in my colleagues last year.  I see it in online conversations people have regarding politics, society, the economy, etc..  So, are people getting better at hiding who they truly are?  Or am I getting really bad at judging people?  I am leaning towards the latter.  I am opting to stick with my kids.

I am ecstatic to get away this weekend.  It is Teacher Convention weekend.  I scoured the program for good workshops.  However, there were none that really appealed to me, as usual.  The rates for the hotels in DC were way too high for me to even want to pay to go there.  So we are going to Philadelphia.  There is a photo exhibit in DC I would love to be able to see, but I don't think I can fit that in.  There are a couple of really good ones in Philly though.  So I get to go see some stuff I would have loved to see anyway.  I had posted the information on my exhibitions board in the classroom and now I will be able to tell the kids about what I saw.  Not that they will go, but I keep hoping my classroom boards will someday inspire....

I also made all purchases and reservations for another trip to Amsterdam.  A friend tipped me off that there is a retrospective of Hieronymus Bosch's work for the 500 year anniversary of his death.  It is in his home town, a mere train ride for Amsterdam.  The exhibit closes in May, so I had to make sure we made the trip before then.  Springtime in Amsterdam?  Sure, why not.

The best part about these two trips?  I will not have the imposed guilt of having to constantly check my messages.  I am not anyone's babysitter/free counselor anymore, and it feels positively liberating.  All my life I have been made to feel I am a selfish person.  My sister read a note a student wrote to me in my first years of teaching.  The student was thankful for all the selfless things I did for her.  My sister asked who the kid was writing about, followed by a chuckle.  Well, my experience has taught me that the most selfish people are those who are most adept at portraying others as the selfish ones.  A selfish person is very good at playing the victim and portraying oneself as selfless.  My sister and my family now know they were wrong and are appreciative in meaningful ways.  But trying to escape encounters with manipulative selfish people of my generation is hard.  I sometimes wonder if it is a geographical or cultural thing.  Meeting and socializing with family or people from other areas of the country or world makes me think that is the case.  People can be giving, compassionate, and truly caring without being demanding or selfish.  I just don't find that around here.

One of the biggest things in my classroom is respect and cooperation.  When I see the concern my students have for each other, I glow inside.  We had a couple of deaths in student families last year.  Kids get sick, need surgery, have other issues.  When classmates figure out something is amiss, the concern is genuine.  You can hear it in their voices and see it in their eyes.  That comes from a respect for each other.  If you respect someone, you inevitably care about them.  That care might differ in type or intensity from the care you have for a close friend, partner, or family member.  Yet, it is there and it is not selfish and fleeting.  I have space issues in my darkroom - 12 enlargers, 21 student cap on the class.  This necessitates partnering.  The students learn they must cooperate with each other in the darkroom.  They are patient waiting to process the prints.  They help each other clean up.  They are now at the point where they are comfortable enough to seek out each other's advice on a print and give each other praise.  They brag to each other about a great print and they cheer each other on.  There is no jealousy.  There is only friendly competition and support.  I love that.

I wonder if this is what teachers were doing all along.  I don't recall this when I was in school, but I wasn't really looking for it.  So, if the teachers were using the classrooms to incubate this kind of cooperation and respect, what happened to my generation?  When did my peers lose it?  And if this is the case, will the students we have now, the ones who show so much care and compassion, lose it too?  I want to think that our kids will take this with them forever.  I prefer to think my peers and I are part of a newer breed in the past 20 years and reflect a new type of whole person education.   I would hate to see some of these kids deal with the selfishness and competition I have had to deal with.  Solitude is so much better than daily encounters with selfish people, but it would be nice if the next generations are better people than my peers in my generation.  That way, my students will never be alone.

Testing

Last week we gave our Quarterly Based Assessments (QBAs).  I did all the things a good teacher does:  distribute the review sheets days in advance, review with the students, make myself available for one-on-one review time before and after school.  Then I graded them this week.  Holy crap.Some students told me flat out they did not study.  Well thank you.  These QBAs count for their yearly average.  That was mainly form my Photo II kids.  The AP kids did fabulously well.  I am so proud of them.  But Photo II?  Well, I cannot even curve the grades when I have someone get a 95.  (And I am not one who has ever curved a test).  And the results of these QBAs have a bearing on our evaluations.  That makes a great deal of sense when the kids do not take them seriously.  Yet, I know they know the processes.  They perform them in class every day.

Then I graded the Photo I QBAs.  Three received a 100.  Hooray!  But then I noticed something that makes me hate these types of tests - those kids who know the process in and out and are my go-to kids when someone needs help, they bombed the test (well, bombed in my eyes is 85 or lower).  Those who are absolute dipsticks in the darkroom and when shooting?  Great grade on the test.  These written tests screw up the kids' grades.  So I vow to give performance based QBAs from now on.  If I want to give a written test, it will be counted as a quiz.  I can't in good conscience give a test that will screw with a kid's confidence or grade just for the sake of producing a piece of paper with a number.  It takes a hell of a lot longer to grade a performance based exam, but it is more fair and is a better assessment of the kid's true ablilites.  I mean, the results of these exams were so out of whack in some cases that I laughed out loud while grading.  

I also have so many kids below target on my SGO right now.  I believe that having us complete those by October first was a mistake.  I can see that kids I assessed as having one level of ability were way off.  I cannot judge a kid's potential ability to grow in a mere month, at least not with the way we have to teach Photography.  At that point, they have just begun camera work.  That is the meat of the year and we have to assess their potential growth for the whole year without really knowing them, their issues, their abilities?  I already marked about a third of them for adjustments for growth expectations.  And we have little choice in the due date for the SGOs.  That was state mandated.  Yes, by the man who is never in the state and his puppet, I mean appointee.

Oh, and the results of the PARCC tests given last Spring just came out this week.  Yes, the tests that are supposed to determine a teacher's job, a student's placement.  Yes, they came out in the end of October.  Tell me how that helps.  If the test results are supposed to determine a teacher's effectiveness in that year, why are the results out after year end evaluations and PIPs are due?  If the tests are supposed to help guide the student's courses, why are the results out after the school year has begun?  Why does it take so long to grade?  Why were the cut off scores determined after the scores were given?  So that the state can decide how to penalize the schools.  Basically, what they did was see the scores then decide what the minimum acceptable score would be.  When your state administration makes no secret of the fact that they want to privatize all parts of the public sector, it does not take a genius to figure out the motives there.  What score to you need to show near total failure of the public school system?  That's the minimum score needed.  Oh sure, we have less time lost to testing this year.  But as I look at the year's schedule for mandated tests posted above my monitor, my head spins.  Nearly every single month has some form of mandated test.  Those are tests the districts have to pay for.  It is astounding how much money is to be made in testing, and those companies are raking it in, all while directing the public to believe the teachers and our (self-funded) pensions are the problem.  Oh, how I long for an educated public.  

Then I see these ridiculous ads on the train for starting pay for computer engineers and IT jobs.  Hell, you don't need an education!  Come to our 10 month program and make $70,000 starting out!  I know they are ads and not totally truthful, but they are way closer to the truth than I want to know.  Do you realize how long it took me to get to $70k?  Just this year, my 18th year teaching with a BA, a professional certificate, and an MA.  Almost all of which was paid for out of my pocket.  No tax-payer or employer-funded schooling for me.  I pay for my workshops/trainings out of my pocket.  And yes, I do judge you based on your level of education if you are a smarty pants and think your computer/desk job deems you more deserving of an inflated salary.   Your job has no positive societal value.  But then, this is a direct reflection of our country's values.  My value is based on an arbitrary test score.  Screw the positive impact I have on a kid's life or the community I teach in.

So before going out, I spent last night e-mailing nearly every single colleague of mine.  I had previously looked up their legislative districts based on the town of residence.  Then, last evening, I looked up the NJEA endorsed Assembly candidates for each district and e-mailed them in batches based on district.  (It is strange that I am the only district 25 resident in the building, but not everyone can handle the fabulousness that is the 25 - just kidding.)  A lot of legwork for a hopefully successful election.  So, this morning, I tentatively check my LAT e-mail, nervous that I will get some nasty "do not e-mail me" responses.   So far, so good.  Perhaps they will do what they always do:  go to my union president and complain I am telling them who to vote for.  Um, this was his idea - a personal touch that I agree with - and this is your pension at stake.  You know, that pension you paid into more than 50%?  Yes, that one.  I want to have some more of my colleagues do actions like phone banking, leaflet drops, canvassing, but it is very hard to get that from them.  I think some of them are deluded into thinking they will come through their career at the other end completely unscathed.  Some are just truly burnt out.  They spend all their energy giving to the kids, and they have none left at the end of the day.

Which leads me to something related to the last post.  Societal impact.  I do judge your high paying job and the related smugness you carry based on the societal impact.   Our culture values gross income over the importance and benefit to society.  I know too many people who think that is fair.  My political beliefs are a part of why I think they are wrong.  Some of those same people believe a fast food worker or a department store cashier does not deserve a living wage.  Yet they fail to see the contradiction.  I know my thoughts on this and my judgments are probably closed-minded, but after being in a profession that has rapidly gone from being respected to being vilified, the result is this.

I know that many people will pay lip service to the whole "your job as a teacher is wonderful".  Sure, we are saints, patient, special people.  But your words are contradicted by your attitude.  How many friends, former students, and relatives gleefully support politicians who are gutting the public education system in order to create for profit schools?  How many of them are so nasty about the taxes they pay towards schools, claiming it's the teachers taking all the money?  As a traditionally female profession, we have been expected to be martyrs.  But seeing the respect people have for a CEO who was smart enough to work a system to rake in millions each year, I fail to see the sincerity of the compliments to my profession.  I can only take a compliment from a person whose opinion I respect.

And as of right now, that group includes only my students.  Yes, adults are a let down.  My kids are what makes my days worth it.  The kindness and respect I am getting from them this year is phenomenal.  And it could not come at a better time.  Last year was the absolute worst as far as morale and love for the profession...  for all of us.  And on the friend front?  Well, let's just say the let downs just keep coming.  But my students?  They are pure delight, even when they are not listening to the lesson, trying to use the cell phones, asking a question that was just addressed two minutes ago.  Their kindness and respect comes from a place of purity and no judgment.  They see what I give them and are honestly thankful.  And here's the best thing....  When something bad happens to us, they care.  So much.  Two teachers in car accidents this year.  One who has been complained about a great deal; one who is universally loved.  Yet, the concern for the teachers was equal.  No judgment.  Pure caring for the individual.  They know the goodness of the teachers and reciprocate with genuine care and concern.  If I have a rough day, and I vent, they validate my feelings.  They do not try to tell me I am wrong.  They might suggest other ways to deal with things, but never tell me I am wrong.  This is so familiar.  Not because this is what I get from friends but because this they have learned from us.  This is how we teachers deal with them.  And at a time when the majority of the adults in our lives are more interested in letting us know that what we feel and believe and how we preserve our happiness is wrong, my time with my students is that much more satisfying.

What is a good soundtrack for writing recommendation letters?  Well, Fugazi got me going this morning.  I have to write 12 letters as of this morning.  I have completed six at this point.  Second person to sign in today.  And I read an article form the UK about how teaching is in the top three in most stressful jobs.  While it mentioned other stressful careers - medical fields, EMTs, police - one thing was a bit funny.  It made special mention that some IT jobs are stressful, but clearly not at the same level of teaching.  The article noted the extraordinary amount of work beyond the school day, the demands put on us from the community and society, the pressure to have students perform to standards set by those who have no comprehension of the myriad factors that enter into what goes on in the classroom that have nothing to do with the classroom.  So, for those of whom this job stress is a pissing contest, I think those of us in education win.

Because it sure does seem like a contest with some people I know.  It seems people have no ability to say "You know what, your job as a teacher is hard.  I will not demean what you do by gong on about how hard my job is as an equal comparison."  I know it sounds so rude, but too bad.  Teachers have to educate all our kids regardless of home/living situation, health status, intellectual ability.  We are expected to get through to each and every kid.  Now, there is the expectation that no student can fail their exams once all exams are averaged at the end of the year.  They can fail for the year, but if you have too many fail, it must be you.  In other instances, we can be sued and in some instances, that suit can be personal, not union protected.  Oh, you're "on call?"  Good for you.  I am too, it just is not put into words.  I am expected to reply to e-mails 24/7.  If I do not make myself available to help a student at any time, that is a problem.  Sure, it isn't in writing, and the union will say there is no contractual expectation.  However, it is implied...  very strongly.

You see, the thing is, we have been seen as servants.  Part of it is misogyny, plain and simple.  When I have to deal with mansplaining from any of my male IT friends or relatives regarding the stress and pressure of the job that I could not possibly understand because it is so technical, I roll my eyes and have begun to tune out.  The fact that teaching provides a benefit to society makes it valuable in a way other professions can't even touch.  The benefits of education reaches communities regardless of how advanced, developed, or undeveloped they are.  It has traditionally been a job held by females.  We are not ones to broadcast anything about the difficulties of our jobs,  We just buckle down and get to work.  Therefore, no one truly knows what the job entails unless they have done it.  You can train a person all you want, prepare them as much as possible, have pre-service students do all the research possible.  You are not fully prepared for all the possibilities involved in this job until you get that first teaching position.  As this is not my first field of work, I know that there are few other careers like that.  If a network goes down, we will survive, regardless of the field dependent on that network.  We survived without this technological infrastructure and we can do it if push comes to shove.  But an uneducated society?  Do you really want that?  Do you really think my job is equal to yours now?

First day back at work after two days of being sick was busy busy busy.  Yes, a teacher can be busy.  We have Quarterly Based Assessments this week, so my voice was saved for two periods Monday and two periods Tuesday.  The kids took the exams seriously.  Flabbergasted.  The work ethic this year continues to surprise me.  Seeing a kid who has been labeled "bad" studying voraciously is so cool.  The kids are doing their best to make the project deadline by coming in extra and not dilly dallying.  I am so pleased.

It is portfolio time.  The National Portfolio Days are coming up in November.  So one of my Photo II kids came in with a slew of independent work - drawings, sketches, photos - and we set up the shoot and scanned the smaller work.  He shot, I showed him how to set up the backdrop and lights for even lighting, low glare and no shadows.  I have even more recommendation requests to take care of too.  Four are complete, I have 6-8 more to do.  I put an essay on the PI QBA and the AP one is an essay.  However, the rest of the PI and the whole of the PII are scantron.  I hope my recurring headache will go away for me to grade the stuff.  I Have such a pile of stuff to do but I do not feel swamped, panicked, or tight-chested.  I feel calm.  It is amazing how having such wonderful kids can make the growing pile of work seem manageable.

We are looking over the faculty dress code here.  Today, I sent off my proposed changes.  I know there is a lot online about sexist dress codes in schools.  However, I noticed a glaring inequality in ours: the necktie requirement.  So I tackled that.  I also requested the use of clip on ID holders for art teachers.  I nearly choked myself again two weeks ago when working on a cable connection on Lori's computer.  I ripped the thing off and muttered "I hate this F-ing thing".  I have gotten it hooked on equipment, nearly cut it on the matte cutter numerous times, got it caught on the radiator when retrieving fallen negatives, cut myself on the deformed metal clip, broke it leaning on the sinks when mixing chemicals....  But when I swung the ID behind my back - while still wearing it - when cutting mattes one year, admin walks by, pauses to look at me through the doorway, and within 24 hours staff get an e-mail about wearing our ID at all times.  Is this an ID or a noose?

I would greatly appreciate a revisiting of the student dress code too.  I am tired of seeing the girls wearing see through leggings as pants and boys showing their underwear when these kinds of things are against the code.  I actually address male dress code stuff way more than female stuff.  I am disgusted by the need for dress codes - why are some people sexualized while others aren't - but the code exists and I would like it to be more egalitarian regarding rules.  It is not going away, but it could be more fair.  I would also like to see better enforcement.  I do think there is favouritism in the enforcement.  But, who am I to make noise.

As it stands right now, some colleagues get away with shady dress code violations and never wearing an ID, others get nailed the first time there is an infraction.  It happens to be the same with the students.  Once the dress code changes are made, I plan to make noise about the inequality of the enforcement.  We all know it exists.  We need to stop it.  It aggravates the kids and the staff.  We need to improve the work environment and morale here, and I think that is one of many things that can easily be tackled.

I actually missed two days in a row.  That is historical.  I do not think I ever missed two days in a row at any job.  I even missed going out last night.  Damn, this germ is rough.  Now the phlegm is loose, but not coming up.  That means no cool pictures to post.  Poop.

On the bright side, I have taken the time to catch up on reading and watching videos.  I also found a journal for the NAEA's Caucus on Social Theory in Education.  I am in the middle of reading an article form the Failure issue.  The article is about the failure to be a "good American."  This should be a good read.  I know I have tackled the saying the pledge issue before, so I will not go into that.  This piece is written by a woman who starts off the article with an anecdote form the age of five.  A boy insults her with various derogatory words for the Chinese and then proceeds to spit on her.  I am already hooked.

The caucus report that directed me to this journal mentioned how there can be art in different things we do in the classroom.  The authour writes about a class discussion.  He worries about the lack of "art" in class that day.  Someone tells him that maybe the discussion was the art.  Damn!  Validation for my tangents!  So often, I get off on a topic prompted by anything in the class.  I link it to photography in some way.  But I am fully aware of the fact that a passerby might think I am not teaching let alone teaching the subject I am paid to teach.

Here's my thinking...

I see art making as communication.  I have noticed a lack of ability to communicate.  This is in my students and my peers.  Too many of the people I have daily encounters with can put a pithy limited character comment online or make a side remark.  But can they have a sustained conversation?  On a topic of their choosing or not of their choosing?  Can they engage in discourse with someone who does not agree with them?  Are they losing the ability to hear, listen, absorb?  If so, how can they possibly know how to communicate through their art?  How can they comprehend someone else's message?  How can they learn form that message?

I do not agree with a lot of what others say or believe.  But I would be deceiving myself if I said I did not learn from them.  I learn the reasons for their beliefs.  I learn how life experiences, ignorance, hatred, or indoctrination formed their ways of thinking.  Some are understandable.  Some are deplorable.  But I took the time to listen.  If we do not listen, how can we take part in a discussion?  I don't think we can enter into a discussion with the aim to change one's beliefs.  But we can do our best to have that person understand our views and how we came to hold those views.  If I don't take the time to model that behaviour in my class, as the teacher, I am not helping my kids.  In other classes, the demand to reach some arbitrary score on a test limits those teachers from this kind of discourse.  I will continue to let my classes end up in 15 minute discussions.

I will occasionally let my students know the methods behind this.  They then understand that they did not succeed in derailing me from teaching, but I took advantage of an opportunity to hold a different kind of lesson.   Now I am working on trying to figure out a way to get this kind of discussion with my peers.  Some of them are so much more closed minded.  I offered an offline discussion to one recently.  He declined.  Perhaps I need to sweeten the offer with baked goods and coffee.  Political discussion at Casa Vasa.  All denominations welcome.  No screaming.  No name calling.  Ha!

Silence

For the first time in 17 or so years of teaching, I am missing Parent Teacher Conferences.  I happen to like these.  It is like a party.  We sit, chat, laugh...  It's fun.  I even considered starting to serve baked goods and tea in the future.

But...

Starting Monday, I started to feel a bit unwell.  I had a slight sore throat Tuesday, but made it through that day's afternoon session of conferences.  I had an evening union meeting and dinner.  It all went to hell that night.  As the night proceeded, my voice and pain got worse.  Monday and Tuesday nights involved waking up drenched in sweat.  However, Wednesday was school wide PSAT administration and I was administering.  I could not call out.  I had studied the book (as it turned out, the wrong book was given to me) and was ready.  I just could not speak.  I could croak and squeak, but not speak.  I knew I was needed because those with kids taking the test in other schools could not administer.  They were being used elsewhere in the building.  Well, I get there to pick up the materials and the head of guidance hears me and brains took over.  She got someone to sub for me.  I just helped out around the building for the morning.  I apparently have no brains for even trying to do the job.  Sigh....

Then I tried to teach.  Oh boy.  I was trying to go over our quarterly exam reviews.  Well, as one kid put it, with my arthritis bothering me in my hips and fingers, and now this, I am falling apart.  So...  Here I am, online after a sick day at home, waiting for parents to e-mail me since I cannot be there.  So far, nothing.  Kind of like the conferences themselves.  I had a total of six on Tuesday.  They were all fun and nice....  But that's a lot of down time in between visits.

To kill time at home (I hate doing nothing) I tried to decorate for Halloween.  I couldn't even finish that.  Too woozy.  But my answer when hubby asked if I was going to work tomorrow?  "Of course!  Don't be silly."

Now I must take a break to check out the attic.  Millie was at the door howling and screaming.  I thought her paw was stuck under the door.  Nope.  We either have a wayward animal or a ghost....  

Had a conversation with two different students about dealing with students versus dealing with adults.  I always think my kids feel I put up with a great deal of stupidity from their classmates and I am kind of light-hearted about it. Not quite that simple.  As I put it to the two ladies, what I can handle easily from a teenager cannot be put up with from an adult.  I told one girl yesterday "At my age, if you are still thinking those kinds of stupid thoughts, I don't have time for that."  A lot of people are impatient with teenagers, their impulsive actions and words, their supposed ignorant thoughts and beliefs.  But we have to look at it from another angle.  We were still figuring out who we were, what our opinions were, and how we wanted to be seen.  We were sometimes stupid, but also sometimes wicked intelligent.  And so are my students.  There are absolutely silly things that come out, and I laugh with them.  There are absolutely stupid, ignorant things that come out, and that is when I stop the class and do some social educating.  There are some crazy insightful things that come out, and that is when I shine the spotlight on them.  But..

And this is a big but...  I have zero tolerance for that kind of stupidity and ignorance in an adult of my age.  Some examples of the stupidity I am sick of dealing with?  I have known people who still say racist, sexist, homophobic things.  And when I call them out, there is a very weak excuse.  When talking about the cutting of overtime for people at my job, someone said "Well, many places no longer have overtime."  Well, just because my neighbour hits his wife, does that make it ok for me to hit my husband?  One bad action does not justify another.   I pointed out that the CEOs that made those cuts are still getting raises, the money is still there, the work is piling up, and the justification is false.  I got a shrug.   Last year, while insanely busy at work, I get a message from a former friend about that amber alert about a kidnapped kid in Delaware.  It was all anyone was talking about at work.  Really?  With all that is going on around you, that is your biggest concern?  Something you have zero ability to control, help, or solve.  What about the missing kids in other places closer to home?  Oh wait, this kid from Delaware was cute, white, blonde.  And found quickly.  It is so much easier to fret about something we can't do anything about while our local food pantries are empty, our students are homeless, their parents are losing their jobs, their houses burn down.....  I could go on.  But by all means, worry your pretty little hearts about an event a state away while you do nothing here at home.  Sorry, but the things that keep me up at night are the things I can do something to change or improve, and I actually get off my ass to try to change those things.

When I discuss these ignorant actions and ways of thinking with students, they get it.  I let them explain themselves and their thinking.  They let me explain my rationale and experiences.  We have a dialogue, we listen to each other.  We might not change each other's minds 100%, but the wheels have begun to turn.  When I try this with many adults, I get the "What are ya gonna do?"  Really?  What am I going to do?  I am going to get off my ass, write to people who can implement change, protest my local politician's office, go to my town meetings to raise a ruckus, get involved in my union, volunteer, support businesses that are righteous and responsible.  Because loafing around all day on facebook, twitter, or pinterest posting happy dippy thoughts or inane, insulting, ignorant memes won't change a thing other than making me realize I prefer my students to people like you.  And there are an awful lot of you out there.

So I took my first personal day of the year today.  I needed to get some things done that could not be taken care of on the weekend.  Luckily I managed to get that done and more.  I feel guilty for not being there for the kids, but I left sub plans that are really good.  Photo I read about how to set up a darkroom.  This will help those kids who want to do this at home.  It will also reinforce all I have taught about the darkroom and the associated materials.  Photo II had a choice of working on tutorials or preparing work for submissions.  They must complete one submission per marking period.   I cut this last year, but I am running things at a faster pace this year and making other accommodations to fit in all I was forced to cut with last year's testing.  AP was given planning sheets for the three parts of the portfolio.  I hope the classes took the work as seriously as I expect.

I spent some time viewing films on the Museo Nazionale del Cinema's page on Vimeo.  I have known of the Northern Italian connection to silent films for quite some time, but never looked anything up online.  Damn.  What a treasure trove of films.  There are historical films, hand tinted films, dance performances, comedies, you name it.  And my mind is spinning with all the ideas running around.  I can just put these film on the computer all period.  If a kid needs a break from the darkroom or the partner is printing, go on in the classroom and take in the films.  They could be so inspiring. I try to play one silent film a year for my classes.  Not every student gets it, but for those who do, the look in their eyes is amazing.  It is like I am opening another world to them.  Then I have heard from some kids who encounter one of those films later in life and I am proud to have introduced them to the art form.

The only tough thing is that the music accompaniment is your responsibility.  There are recommendations for what to play, but I doubt I have those in my collection.  I also hope that Vimeo is not blocked at work. If so, I think I have a good reason to be allowed access to it.  Oh, when I find new things like this to use in the classes, I get all tingly.  It's like when I find a vinyl record I have been hunting for....  Bliss.

Then, I just checked my personal e-mail for the first time today and received some great news.  I submitted three images for a show at a health center in Dover.  I had some photos in a show there once before.  I like the place and its mission.  Well, they want all three of my submissions to exhibit.  Woo hoo!  The best part?   I already have them framed.  Super happy about that.  It might motivate me to go back to my summer project.  If I can squeeze in the time....  I will also tell my students.  It helps that I do the things I expect them to do, regarding the submissions.  I also want to let my new photo kids know that I am also a working artist.  Modeling good behaviour in many ways.  tee hee..

I finally closed the pool yesterday.   It was part procrastination, part peaches.  It was much easier retrieving peaches from the skimmer than from a dirty pool cover.  The peaches are done and the weather is now cold, so pool closure was due.  A sad day, but I must go on....

I also did quite a bit of garden clean up.  Amazingly, the phlox are blooming again.  The animals didn't eat all the anemone, so there are a couple of blooms there.  I think my muscari is coming up again.  That is not good.  They are bulbs and should be dormant.  They are clearly confused.  The pears are finally ripening.  If hubby thought I had a ton of peaches taking over the freezer and refrigerator, just wait until the pears come.  Tons of pears for everyone!

Since it was Sunday, I could not use the weed trimmer.  I trimmed the grass along the stones with my gardening scissors.  They are designed for righties - grrrr.   My right hand and fingers are getting stiffer.  Very quickly.  I couldn't finish the trimming.  There doesn't appear to be any swelling, but the stiffness and pain is incredible.  I can't even give the middle finger with the normal amount of speed.  I took my anti-inflammatory, massaged it, used joint rub, all to no avail.  As I type, there is a bit of a delay with the right fingers, so I keep making mistakes.  And there is a mystery bruise at the base of my thumb about one inch wide and three inches long.  It really looks and feels like I punched someone....  just without the satisfaction of having actually done it.

So on to work....  The AP kids resubmitted their artist's statements with corrections made.  I reviewed them again, made more corrections and suggestions and then returned them again. And - get this - no complaints!  I can't believe this!  I am used to griping about having to continue to make corrections.  Not this bunch.  Phenomenal.  They start large format photography today.  I have them doing still life or portraiture and they must assist each other with lighting, reflectors, and metering.  That takes care of the issue of having just one camera.  Photo II is making lithographic film exposures.  I have the two part developer mixed on demand and put into a large tray on the floor.  The kids all sit there, chatting and agitating while waiting for the image to appear since this takes many minutes for the latent image to come up.  It's just so cute.  I really love them.

And now... the news about the mishap.  Yes, another hole.  Someone bumped into the shelving behind the sink in the darkroom, stumbled, some kids tried to catch him, and the wall took a hit.  Well.... time to find another poster.  Sigh.....  Either we need better quality wall board or we should put more studs in the wall. Screw 16 inches apart...  Let's do 8 inches.  That will catch an impact better.  It isn't as if I can turn on more lights.  It is a darkroom.  Duh.

E-mail Shenanigans

So I had an incredibly stressful week with AP.  I find out at the end of last week that my AP curriculum was not approved by the College Board.  This was news to me.  I go and look in my e-mail and well, well....  There is the rejection e-mail with all the rationales...  in my AP folder.....  from the end of July.  I.... never..... saw..... it.

This is not the first time funny things have happened with our work e-mail.  We know that the tech admin has access.  However, he is to be trusted.  I have had e-mails disappear from my inbox both before and after I read them.  I have not been able to find sent mail, and way before they are automatically deleted.  Others have had the same thing happen to theirs e-mail.

Then there was the confirmation that others have access - people who have no right to access.  One summer, we received an e-mail regarding a new feature with our network system.  I was so excited because this was something I had been looking for for a couple of years.  So I responded to the tech admin - NOT reply all - with a funny excited reply.  Upon leaving the faculty meeting on the first day of school that year, another administrator quotes my e-mail to me in passing.    This is not someone who has a need for access to our e-mails.  Thanks for the tip, buddy.

So now I have a vitally important e-mail regarding my AP class go from inbox to folder without me seeing it.  Hmmm...  I think the shenanigans originated in guidance for reasons I will not go into.

However, I managed to get through this.  Some sweating and sleepless nights later, and my curriculum was finally approved.  But this was a harrowing week.  I originally used other curricula as examples but the tiny details that were asked for were a surprise.  Those details were not in the samples I perused and I have no idea how those curricula were approved.  So I had to submit twice before the final approval came last morning.  To be honest, I do not think any human reads the submissions.  The responses are to rapid.  I think the are run through a program that looks for keywords.  I have a problem with that, but I cannot do anything about it.  Every morning I worked on adjustments....  Worked after school....  Fiddled with wording....  And yesterday?  Approval.  Phew.

With all this spying on our e-mails, one might think that the higher ups would have a bit of a better impression of my work ethic.  But, alas, that is not to be.  Instead, I know that the camera outside of my room is watched when I have a more challenging kid.  This is not just to watch the student in question but also to watch me.  I have been told I should deal with something or other that a kid does when he leaves my room with a bathroom pass.  My response?  Give me supervision to watch my class while I escort my student to the bathroom.  Otherwise, I cannot control what a student does once leaving my room.  Unless a child is on the "no pass" list, this will happen.  Duh.  If the administration insists on giving a pass to the primadonna teachers who reject the more challenging students, DO NOT hassle those of us who gladly take in those kids and manage to actually get them to learn something.  Instead, you should be hassling those primadonnas.  My class should not be a dumping ground for the kids no one wants.  This school should refuse to let a teacher push a kid out by being inflexible and ignoring the IEP.  That behaviour calls for disciplinary action, in my opinion, not cushy rosters and Teacher of the Year awards.

While people all over this country fret over the NSA spying on citizens, I think "Pssh.  The NSA? Hell, I work at PV."

Alternate universe continues....  I added more work to what I want form my AP kids.  They nodded in agreement when I explained the newest thing.  Normally I would get "More stuff?" or "Why are you giving us so much?" but no.  They understand the purpose of this assignment and how it will support the creative process.   Unbelievable!  I feel like I am teaching honours kids.  Keep in mind the fact that two of theses boys are part of that group that was worried sick about the ramifications of a poor performance on the state tests.  These are the boys I had to talk down from near-tears status.  When preparing yesterday morning, I was reading through the AP curricula from other schools.  I was proud that many of the assignments - composition, point of view, low light - are the things I have already taught my kids in Photo I.   This means that my AP kids can spend much more time developing an artistic voice that is accurately reflected int heir body of work.  I don't really know if any will spend the money to submit the portfolio in the spring, but at least they will have a damn fine group of pieces.  This course is a lot of work for the teacher, and I am swamped with work.  But I love being busy and it is not a panic type of swamped.

Today is the first of two of my college visits.  I have Maine College of Art coming today doing a presentation and portfolio review and Mass Art coming tomorrow.  I like the people from MECA.  They are nice, no attitude, and knowledgeable.  The school is also very generous with scholarship money.  I hope to have someone go there someday.  Heck, when colleges are making the mistake of getting rid of their darkrooms, MECA revamped theirs.

The chemical recycling guy is coming tomorrow and thank goodness.  The paper recycling bin stinks to high heaven.  I am hit with it as soon as I come in in the morning.  I am afraid to look in the barrel.  Not sure what is festering in there.  The kids will notice a lack of peeuw on Thursday.  It is like a rotten vinaigrette and rotting flesh.  Heck, maybe the kids just think that is the normal photo smell.  OK with me.....  Next task?  Washing the changing bags.  My sister asked how often I wash them and I answered with "Wash them?"  Which is kind of stupid of me.  When a kid is having trouble getting the film on the reel, the sweating starts.  I have put my arms in some soaked changing bags.  After  the fact, upon thinking hard, I realize how gross this is.  It is like taking a kid's jersey after a heavy basketball game and rubbing it all over my arms.  I do not know why I never thought of washing them.  I could wash them here - there is apparently a washing machine on the top floor and there is one in Home Ec - but what do I do the rest of the time?  I could bring them home.....  Deep thoughts.  Dave suggested extra credit if someone does it for me.  I hate extra credit, but it is a thought.

So I vacuumed the pool for the last time yesterday.  It was a nice workout, but the pain in my fingers and hands is tough.  I can type because the arc of the digits remains relatively constant.  However, moving them much more than that kills.  And bending them at the knuckles is worse.  Luckily the right hand is in more pain than the left.  Sounds like a lot of griping.  But I think this is the a sign that the arthritis is now in my hands for sure.  I have it in my hips and it showed up in my wrists a couple of years ago.  As long as it wasn't in the hands, I was pretty ok with that.  I can still hike, dance, garden, bike, and walk.  I might be stiff the next day, but manageable.  This is another beast.  And it is depressing.  I know that regular movement of the afflicted parts of the body helps the arthritis - we'd give crochet stuff to my grandmother to help her keep her hands moving to deal with her arthritis - but this pain is rough.  I think it is what kept me up through the night.  They feel tense, tight, swollen and in pain.  If I typed all day for my job it wouldn't be a big deal but I need my hands for work and my art.  I think about how I would teach my subject if I ever broke a wrist or arm.  It would be tough but it would heal.  Arthritis?  It just plain sucks.  The bright spot?  I can use a cold pack while on nurse's duty.   Either that or I could chisel off some of the ice in our class refrigerator and put it in a baggie.

One of the keys to teaching?  Playing it cool no matter what happens.

So I am kind of short.  I was giving a lesson on how to load film onto the reels and into the tanks.  They are on shelves.  I hike myself up onto the counter to easily reach the stuff and to be easily seen by all the kids.  Well, by period 6 I was losing a little bit of my mojo and misjudged.  My left butt cheek didn't clear the counter.  Instead, full force direct contact with the edge of the counter.  The pain was phenomenal.  But I didn't let on.  I might have flinched for a brief second.  But the kids never knew.  I didn't miss a beat.  But the colours that appeared?  Oh, such beautiful reds, greens, purples, and eggplants.

So I had a former student stop by with her senior sister yesterday to pick up a camera for the sis.  I wanted to chat more, but, to be honest, my tush hurt.  Good thing we left at 3.05.  By the time I got home?  Four e-mails from photo kids.  I even had the ipad with me at dinner to field questions.  I do not want to let the kids down because they have been so remarkable this year.  The attention, respect, cooperation, and diligence in knowing how to handle the camera are just amazing.  I went outside to water the veggies and herbs for 20 minutes and missed two e-mails and felt real bad.

So I contemplated bringing the heating pad to sit on at work, but people would think I had hemorrhoids.  So I will just sit leaning to the right.  At least I don't sit much when I teach.  According to the pedometer, I am between 2.5 and 3 miles a day and that is without having to travel for another class.  Let' see how high it gets when the kids start printing in the darkroom.   I will be a bit slowed down this week.  The cheek hurts with every step I make.  I might borrow an ice pack from the nurse.  Or I could just chip off some of the ice in our film fridge and put it in a baggie.  Art teachers are resourceful like that.

So who knew there is one type of plunger for a toilet and one type of plunger for a sink?  It's is good to have a good relationship with your custodians and gain access to the storage closet.  Now, I can unclog my classroom sinks with reckless abandon!  Free drains for all the photo classes!!!

I sent my first group of kids home with cameras yesterday.  There were a couple of e-mails from students with questions once I got home.  Another sign they are more attentive than other years?  No one tried to shoot after dark.  They have not yet been taught low light shooting and must not change the shutter speed - only the aperture - to get a good exposure.  And I do not teach flash in PI.  So far, so good.    Today?   Teach them how to put the film on a reel and in a tank for developing.  In total darkness...  Here is where the fun starts.

So I read two more essays in my Studies in Socialist Pedagogy.  It truly is a phenomenal collection of essays.  I know most of the people would balk at the names of some of the authours (Lenin, Mao) but there are plenty of others in there that are unfamiliar to the average person.  In those cases, the name does not cause the skittish reader to enter with a preconceived notion.  Part Two is titled "Who Are We Teachng?" and it is fabulous.  The first essay is about how to differentiate between lecturing and teaching.  The main difference is how a teacher presents the information:  Does he present a stream of facts and knowledge or does he enter into a dialogue with the students, helping them gain information and draw their own conclusions?  There is a partial transcript of a session between teacher and students.  I kept reflecting back on my classes.  I hate the idea of standing behind a podium or such structure.  I move around the room constantly.  I present information as well as ask questions to pull conclusions from the students.  I never use the words "you're wrong".  I will try to pull out how a student came to such an answer and try to reframe or retrace the path to that conclusion and try to help him or her get redirected to find the right answer.  If I can guide the direction and the path taken, the correct methods or answers might be better remembered.  Banking versus problem-posing.

There are also issues of class and education regarding types of colleges attended or available to the student based on class and/or financial situation.  While I don't teach at that level, this stuff is still quite insightful.  The authours address the problematic qualities of the professors, but I think I can learn how to teach a student to best deal with such a professor if I read these pieces closely.  If I learn the recommendations for the professors, I can figure out a way to guide the kids regarding how to deal with such a teacher.  Too many of our kids go to community colleges for whatever reason, but drop out.  Lots have issues with the teachers.  What if they know how to approach the professor in such a way that they can guide the professor to be of benefit to their learning?  More studying for me.....

"Yet only through communication can human life hold meaning.The teacher's thinking is authenticated only by the authenticity of the student's thinking.  The teacher cannot think for his students, nor can he impose his thought on them.  Authentic thinking, thinking that is concerned about reality, does not take place in ivory tower isolation, but only in communication."

From Pedagogy of the Oppressed by Paolo Freire

So the 19th was the anniversary of Freire's birth.  I think it called for revisiting some of his writing.  In the part that is reproduced in the book Studies in Socialist Pedagogy, Freire discusses the differences between "banking" education and "problem-posing" education.  Banking education is becoming more and more the norm in all classrooms when the reliance is on testing as the only proof of learning.  It sure makes for a nice looking class:  obedient students, seated at their desks in neat rows, writing copious notes for memorization and regurgitation in the form of bubble tests.

On the other hand, a problem-posing classroom looks like a hot mess:  students having discussions, teacher and students questioning each other and finding the answers together, students moving around from person to person, constant search for new sources of information and answers.  It's interesting that I read Freire after I started teaching, but found I teach in a very Freire way.

Something that dawned on my regarding the Freire ideas is the conflict between the demands of the teacher as a result of mandated testing versus the demands to be met in the imposed evaluation systems.  the corporate produced tests call for a certain type of teaching - banking methods.   Yet, if you look at the different forms of evaluation systems that the state had presented as choices for the districts, the only teachers that can do well are those following the problem-posing methods.  I was on the committee that examined and selected the evaluation system for our school.  While they varied wildly in many respects, one thing was clear: the traditional lecturing teacher who sticks to the text book and it's provided materials will not do well regardless of which system is chosen - McRel, Danielson, Strong, or Marzano.

Teachers are expected to show a variety of methods of delivery of information.  We must all be well versed in Differentiated Instruction/Multiple Intelligences.  We meed to show various methods of inquiry are available to the students.  We must be active members in our school communities.  We must prepare the students for life and education beyond high school.  If you learned anything from Freire, you are doing these things already.  You will do well on your evaluation because you are a wonderful teacher who can get your students to actually learn.  They will also learn how to take what they have learned with you into many other areas of their lives.

Take all that and then look at the teaching style necessary for producing good test scores.  On the surface, the kinds of inquiry the questions seem to be asking for are pretty good, well developed, and make the students really think.  But let's look at the format they are presented in.  A timed test, with correct answers with no extended defense of answer choice.  The follow up question gives the student four more multiple choices as the justification for the previous answer.  Sure, there are written essay components, but from what I have seen in the samples, there is most certainly a right and a wrong answer.  If we give this type of evaluation in the classroom, good teaching practice says that there will be a follow up discussion with the students regarding the answers given.  The teacher can come to new insights regarding the students' thought processes in the defenses of conclusions.  Adjustments can be made in how the material is presented.

There is no opportunity for this kind of dialogue or interaction with a standardized test.  And they are now being promoted at the final word in how well prepared our students are for moving on, the final word in how much they have learned, and a direct reflection of the quality of the education they have received.  The tests reinforce the idea that information is to be fed, banked, and then recalled for proof of learning.  That is not learning.  The myriad of ways we assess our students falls more in line with a problem-posing classroom.

And the alternate universe continues.  I was able to shift the Photogram due date up and begin camera mechanics early.  The students are proving to be so capable.  I am pleased and surprised.  This kind of photography is truly a challenge to teach.  First of all, they are used to the device doing everything for them.  The majority of the thinking comes in making a decision regarding what pre-set filter to use.  With film - and how we teach digital - they must have full comprehension of the workings of the camera:  lens functions, reflex action of the camera, image capturing, light sensitivity of various films, emulsion make-up, how the camera's inner computer reads the available lighting with the settings to give you a meter reading.  And so on....  Do you want to teach a bunch of hormonal, raging teenagers all that?  Didn't think so.  But it is fun.  And this year?  Amazing!  They are listening so intently (I wish everyone in my life listened to me like this) and it shows when I ask them to recall what they have learned and when I have them handle the camera.

Yesterday they changed the ISO, shutter speed, and began to be familiar with the meter.  Today, the two hardest things:  Meter reading and loading film.  I had some kids who did not return their camera use agreements.  they could not touch a camera.  They could only observe.  Normally, I have to ready myself for an argument.  Not this year's bunch.  They dutifully watched a partner.  This is just unreal.

On another note, I have a former student who has a friend writing a dissertation on the last 20 year evolution of the punk scene.  She thought I would be a good contributor to this so the friend interviewed me last night.  She wanted to Skype, but I had to let her know I do not have that capability.  Ha ha.... Yup, the luddite lives....  We talked a bit about how our ideology informs how we teach.  I don't think anyone can comprehend how much that ideology plays a part in how I teach, how I treat my students, and my desire to be involved in the improvement of the school community.  While some people join committees to get ahead and get great evaluations, I do so to improve the school for my students.  There is a direct correlation between this and the music scene and its ideology. I notice that the colleagues who are complacent in their lives are those who are barely involved here.  One attitude I have a hard time dealing with is the "What are ya gonna do?".  If you see something is not going the way you want, something is not right, just sit back, do nothing about it, but complain bitterly.  So, I am going to be an annoyance this year and re-propose In School Suspension.  I was so angry about the denial last year because the reasons were all unfounded.  It was clear that the proposal was not even read.  In fact, I would like to be there to make the proposal myself because I will not give up.  I will not be interrupted.  I feel so strongly about this.  I cannot comprehend how any administrator could not be aware of all the documentation regarding the harm out of school suspension does to students, particularly those who are minorities.  Any admin who does his job (yes, his, because my admin does hers and knows recent research) and is up on the research knows this is the way to go.  We are rid of the man who wanted "them" out of the building.  Now let's get rid of the discriminatory practices and adopt practices that actually keep the kids in school.  It is kind of a no-brainer.....

While I did not have to hear the splat of Millie vomiting off the sideboard onto the dining room floor this morning, it did not start out much better.  I was run out of my lane by yet another dipsh*t slave to the GPS.  This time it was an 18-wheeler.  I have enough of a hard time dealing with adult acquaintances who have no concept of directions or how to read a map, but constantly being subjected to the drivers like that on my commute is a bit much.  Commute from hell indeed.

So I am already in a sour mood pulling in to the parking lot.  Then, as I am walking away from my car, I see two of my photo kids.  They greet me with a wonderful "Good morning, Mrs. Vasa" and my mood is instantly lifted.  They were there early to lift for their sports (Soccer and football). This place is alive, buzzing with activity nearly whatever time of day I am here.  

We have our first union meeting of the year today.  The first one since the "stuff" of last year.  It will be interesting.  Will there be tension?  Will people be more forgiving?

Which brings me to forgiveness....  As adults, we are expected to not hold grudges, to forgive all the time.  But at what point are you subjecting yourself to more heartbreak, hurt, or anger?  At what point do you start to look and feel like a fool?

I have been the recipient of some horrible things from students:  cruel words, devious actions....  We all have; every single teacher.  It comes with the job when you teach middle or high school.  A student's brain is still developing.  The risk they take by being cruel or disrespectful is directly related to the stage of development of the risk assessment part of the brain.  There is a thrill from trying to behave "inappropriately", do things you are told not to do, things you should not do.  I have rarely felt that such behaviour from my students was intentional and personal.

However, when an adult (colleague, acquaintance, friend, relative) treats you in a disrespectful, inconsiderate, hurtful, selfish way....  Well, isn't that different?  I think it is.  What I would brush off easily from a student cannot possibly be forgotten or forgiven from a peer.  The stuff that happened here at work last year was hurtful or anger inducing.  Can it be forgiven?  Maybe, depending where it came from.  Who did or said this or that? What fueled it?  Those things make a difference and must be considered.  Can it be forgotten?  Not as far as I can see.  An adult knows the results and risks of certain behaviours.  An adult knows what reaction and damage words and actions can cause.  There is an ability to assess the risk to the relationship, be it a working or friend situation.  

I have encountered countless adults who will use any excuse in the book to excuse such behaviour:  self-diagnosed mental health issues, life situations, shrunken brains (I kid you not.), drunkenness.  I might seem cruel, but I see these things as mere excuses.  If many of us -regardless of what personal difficulties we are going through - can respect each other enough to not partake in such behaviour, we all can.  The ironic thing, is that I rarely encounter a person with a diagnosed mental illness who does this to peers.  People who know how to be respectful colleagues/friends/acquaintances do not treat each other in such a way.  And that is why I rarely forgive and I never forget.  For ease, I can remain cordial.  I do not let the relationship return to beyond that.  This attitude is based on two things:  experience and reading.  I learned to not take such behaviour from my students to heart through my working with them and through my reading about new research into the adolescent brain.  I learned to take such behaviour from peers to heart and not forgive through being hurt and angered over and over and through my reading about how the adult brain works.   

People are amazed that we teachers can enjoy our time with high school age kids.  They are seen in such a negative light.  I thoroughly enjoy my time with my students because of the honesty in their kind words, the innocence behind their supposedly cruel behaviour, the sincerity behind their thankfulness.  They know they are risk takers, might misbehave, might be mean.  But they also know they can't control themselves sometimes.  An apology is more sincere from a teenager than one from a peer whose behaviour is repeated.  

We saw the second of three live shows in a week and a half last night.  This one was in Jersey City at WFMU's Monty Hall.  The band was The Pandoras.  Sigh.....  A fabulous time.  they have been my favourite all women garage band since early high school.  I love having live pictures taken by me as a memento, but I do not like having my eye stuck behind the viewfinder all show.  I only shot for the first two songs and then I relaxed and enjoyed it.  The place had carpeting!  It was like being at someone's parents' house.  But the parking was so much better than Maxwell's and the vibe was far less hipster.  A fine replacement.

So this begins our first full week of school.  Back to School Night is in the past.  SGO is completed with the baseline reporting to be completed once my rosters are set and all kids who will drop or add have done so.  With all the nitty gritty stuff done, I can start to have kids stay during their lunches or study halls.  I can't believe that some wanted to start last week.  Oof.  

Most of the AP kids have show me their digital images from the summer assignments.  They are actually much better than I expected.  They balked at the idea of summer work and I never heard from them on any sort of regular basis so I feared the work was not happening.  One student went out west.  His canyon images are so good.  Not your typical vacation shots.  I found a bundle of new student photo competitions and I want him to submit to one of them...  Their journals were not really written in a regularly as I had hoped.  I think that is a by product of people's lack of ability to have sustained conversations and thoughts.  Everything is limited to a tweet length.  I want to give feedback in the journals this week so that I can return the books and have them write a journal entry a week.  They must learn to record their thoughts so that they can better reflect on their work and the process.

The Photo II classes all followed the same plans for their pinhole camera construction.  I don't know why I didn't do this before.  Having them bring in their own containers was a nice idea that got the idea that anything could be a camera pretty nicely.  But the variables are too broad.  At least with the same camera shape and size, exposure instruction should be easier.  And helping them in constructing the camera was much easier with everyone needing the same help.  They could help each other much more.  Today should be nice out so we will go outside to do our exposures.

And Photo I?  Whoa.  They are paying so much attention to the directions and the process that I can skip the 8"x10" photograms.  They get the concept of light sensitivity and photographic paper that I have bumped up how soon I will begin instruction on the camera.  With the way these classes are going, I think I can shift the due dates up, not need to cut out any projects, and address the history of the medium in a more in depth way than ever before.  This could shape up to be a really cool year.  I might be able to teach these courses exactly as I have wished....