Withdrawal has begun.  Why in the hell would I do drugs when I get so addicted and emotionally attached to the people in my life and then suffer intense withdrawal when we no longer see each other? 

The kids/now adults graduated less than a week ago.  I ended up tearing up when I said goodbye to my GSA president.  This woman did more for the club than anyone ever and for that, I will never forget her.  We went for coffee on Sunday and it was wonderful.  The conversation was fabulous.  I tend to stay alone when I am at the club - my only socialization - because there are some people there I tried to befriend who ended up having very troubling views.  So having intelligent conversation is a bonus for me when it happens.

I also teared up because I fear for the future of my program.  I hope I have positively impacted my kids.  Yeah, they say they have been but I never hear from most of them again so I am never sure.  But I feel that some in Guidance and the little man sent from the state are working to whittle down the department.  The faculty were told that no one is safe, regardless of seniority, tenure, or subject.  How's that for making us feel like we matter?  So I try to enrich my students' lives and teach them about so much more than Photography.  If I get pushed out, where does that leave them?  With a bunch of misogynists in liberal men's clothing in the coaches, I mean history, department.  I just feel a bit helpless here.

Hubby and my parents say I should scan the notes in my yearbook and bring them to my superior's attention or add them to my resume and start looking.  Yes to the first.  No to the latter.  This is the end of my career.  No one else will hire me.  I am too old and too costly.  A kid fresh out of school is cheaper. 

So then yesterday I met two other lovelies for coffee.  I loved it.  I had to go home for dinner after three and a half hours, but I could have stayed all night.  I loved just listening to them talk about photo equipment and technique.  Such cool stuff and I hope they continue to shoot. 

But driving home was happy and sad.  I have found people who are good to talk to, but will any of it last?  I do not know.  So what do I fill my time with now?  I developed two rolls of film yesterday.  I just completed some submissions to art shows.  I will be heading down to the basement to print some photos.  I also have a ton of political work right now.  I am trying to not get lonely.  I also want to go for a couple of trips into the city to gallery hop and maybe try out the Whitney at the new location.  I wish I had a friend to go with, but if not, so be it. 

My interpersonal relations with people is one of my drugs and I am going through withdrawal.

I ran out of time this year.  I used my second personal day today and am losing one.  I did end up with lots of nagging colds and fevers this year so I did use a great number of sick days - the most ever in my life - seven.  Ugh.  I missed my kids greatly and I think I should not have taken those days.  It's too late now.

So what do I do on a day off?  I did a continuation of a project I started a couple of months ago.  Self-portraits reflecting my state of mind.  After that, I did yard work.  Ideally, this being June, after getting coated in a lush layer of moist grass clippings, I would have jumped in the pool to clean off.  I could not do such a thing in less than 70 degree weather.  So I sat on the ladder and washed my legs off while my toes went numb.  Then I uploaded the shots, edited lightly - more to do later on - and then worked on submissions.  I found one free zine to submit to and there are a couple of low cost shows to submit to as well.  I have had a dry spell the past year.  That's what happens when you have no time to do things for yourself, like art and shows.  But I am working with a comrade on an art show/fundraiser for my political group.  We are looking at October with a call for the art going out over the summer.  Maybe I can be in that one.  We might have a DJ or have people playing music too.  Then I napped with Fritz, watched some murder on DVD, and headed over to my mother and father's to make good on my Mother's Day gift - taking care of weeding over there.  Then ended the night with a union rep council meeting at the Brownstone.

Anything to avoid the near crippling depression.  So that is something I deal with and I think I wrote about it previously.  The way it manifests with me is I am angry and nasty to and with people and I brood and get sad alone and at home.  I guess that doesn't matter for those who do not work with others, but not for me, a teacher.  I have been nasty to some kids who have been indifferent or difficult.  Rather than dig more for what was going on with them, I shut down and reacted.  I have plenty of kids who do not work the last few weeks.  But at least they are honest with me and I know what they are doing.  They are still super polite and funny in class and I sense no negativity from them.  They are just done and they are teenagers.  And I get that.  I do not do well when I get kids who shut down and are not communicative or we do not communicate with each other well.  This time, I shut down as well.  And I have screwed up some teacher-student relationships this year.  I might be getting played, but with my depression, this is a toxic brew and it came to a head this week.  So I put in for today when I saw my mood getting worse and I am glad I did.  I am trying to repair what is left of these relationships.

You know, if mental illness was something we could talk about freely, I could address it and not have this stuff happen.  It's not like physical illnesses.  "Hi, I'm your teacher, I have such and such disease and I might be out a lot or tired or in pain a lot.  Please be understanding of this throughout the year."  I can't quite address my depression.  I can just imagine the rumours going around after that.  And my school is not one that is very understanding of mental illness, as proven when I needed a doctor's note to get out of teaching the yearbook.  I had a colleague call me crazy.  Um, clearly you have no understanding of depression and no compassion.  I hope I can repair this year, but I hold little hope of that.

We receive year end evaluations that are composed of a combination of numbers - our observation ratings, SGO ratings (based on how our kids test) and other stuff.  I received mine yesterday and am happy with it.  I am in the highest level.  Woohoo!  I distributed catnip Friday night and made a cat daddy and his kitty happy.  My pool is open and my flowers are blooming.  My garden is a riot of color.

So why am I bummed?  Well, the depression is kicking my ass right now.  I am trying to teach at the end of the school year.  And it is a challenge.  As my MDW kid told me, when you have 7 periods of teachers showing movies, when one period has a teacher trying to teach, it is hard for the student to be motivated to work.  Thanks, colleagues.  You might say the kid was exaggerating.   Not so.  My colleague was out yesterday and her substitute confirmed that many of the teachers she is subbing for lately are just showing movies.  Thanks.

Then we have kids who - though one kid told me it isn't personal - seem hell bent on hurting the teachers who love them.  One dear woman upstairs from me was driven to tears last week.  Me?  I cry in private.  Station 10 or home.

So I am getting to work on revamping stuff for next year.  I have pretty strict stuff I have to teach in Photo I, but there is more flexibility in level 2.  They want us to work on the social and engagement end of things here.  Fine with me.  These kids don't know how to have truly deep conversations, back and forth.  They know how to talk but not listen.  I want to work on changing that.  I might not succeed, but at least I can try.  I want to go back to regular critique, no matter how cringe inducing they are.  I want to have more socially relevant work and I want to introduce the kids to more photographers.  I know they hate that stuff, and I let them direct me away from it,  But where has that gotten me?  I ran the class looser this year and they still quit on my this June.

So I am kind of counting the days until summer.  I have few friends so I look forward to music, dancing, gardening, kitty naps, art making, solitary adventures, and living in my bathing suit.

When I was in high school, I worked hard.  I wanted to go to school for art and I wanted to go away to college.  My dad brought me to sessions run by far away colleges.  My high school teacher encouraged me.  Then it all stopped.  I never heard anything from my teacher about colleges after some point.  She didn't encourage me in any way.  It is no secret I am not happy with where I went to school.  I have always wondered if my mother intervened and told my teacher to stop it.  My mother let me and my dad know I was not to go away.   I had to commute.  This might seem so far fetched, but when you know all the other manipulative things she did, it is plausible.

So when I have students who have talent and opportunity and they squander it, I get angry.  They have chances to do stuff with their talent - talent I had not developed at their age - and they would rather party.  I have one kid who is probably the best I have had in a few years.  He sits and does nothing for two periods.  He comes in, but does not work.  One thing he told me that the experience of coming back to school was boring compared to the fun of Memorial Day weekend.  Imagine that!  I was floored.  How can I compete with MDW?  I can't.  And to this kid, that was totally understandable.

Then I have the kids who have talent and are doing nothing or not showing up for whatever inane reason.  And there is work to be done.  I am not one of those lazy teachers who will show movies for the rest of the year.  I can't.  Never mind the fact that if I slip up, there is always someone there to spotlight that transgression.  There are a number of us in this situation here.  So I keep trying to teach.  And I get kids staring at their monitors light they are hypnotized.

I know they are teenagers and their priorities are not on school.  However, when I was in school, the partiers managed to come in every day, get the work done, and keep a job.  I worked from the time I was 14, kept good grades, and made it in to school nearly every day.  I know the partiers were doing their thing.  I heard them talk.  But they were in school the next day, doing their work.  They did not keep the teacher from teaching because they were figuring out how to get their shore house for the weekend or gabbing about the shenanigans at last night's party.  And I do not know why I am supposed to be okay and cool with this.  I am angry at the lack of work ethic.

Then I hear that there are teachers talking about their party days with the kids.  And I know why I am not cool and I am the killjoy.  I just cannot be that person.  Forever uncool.