I have two more days of vacation left.  It has been good and bad.  I think the cats and I bonded fairly well.  That is comforting.  However, what promised to be a summer of me actually being social ended up being a summer of waiting around.  Both former students and acquaintances had made tentative plans and I usually left my schedule clear for nothing.  I am the kind of person who will get back to you if I say I will regarding plans to hang out.  I will also let you know pretty far in advance if it looks like I am not available.  I think I am a dying breed.  There was the weekend someone was potentially getting the ability to see me; the cafe trip that never happened on a Thursday night; the coffee and shooting adventure on that Wednesday, the Dunkin' chat session.....  You get my drift. And there are more than this....

It's not that I clear a busy schedule for these plans.  I have nothing going on in my life - clearly - but if hubby or the nieces and nephew were needing me, I made sure I let them know I might have plans so I left that time clear.  And then I got nothing.  Most of the time I diddled around the yard waiting for the confirmation that never came.  So you might say that I was a fool for leaving my schedule clear.  Yet due to my upbringing, I make sure I have a concrete reason for doing things as I do.  I had a friend who reamed me when I asked for some time for something because I apparently acted like I was always busy and like he never was.  So, I learned to make my schedule clear and always be available, to not be difficult to schedule time with.  And instead I end up sitting alone in my back yard with the damn ipad waiting for that thing to beep a message.

And so the students have received their schedules and I see the online flurry of excitement over having my class.  I am happy they like my class, but I no longer have any illusions that they will appreciate me post-graduation the way they appreciate other teachers.  Once we walk off that field in June, I know I will never see them again.  Unless they need something from me.  The girl who never thanked me for the use of the backdrops?  She needs something from me.  Received that e-mail on my holiday last week.  I'm sitting on it.  Then there are the kids who come to me to have me print things for their post-graduation endeavours.  I foolishly think they have come to visit me (me!), but then they get to the point and I look to see if I have enough paper and ink, and they say see ya before the ink is dry....

Sure, they might come and visit during the school day, but to be honest, I don't like that anymore.  There are only two boys who know how to do this without being intrusive.  They just come, sit, observe, talk to the kids about stuff (like their jobs, study abroad, helpful stuff), and have even helped me out in class.  The rest are really just interrupting me.  I need to teach and be present all the time for my kids.  When someone comes to chit chat in the middle of class, it is a problem.  Then there was the incident with the campus cop and the visitor who caused me some trouble.  I just don't need it.  I love my kids and used to love their visits, but I am no longer willing to get into trouble for someone's actions.  Particularly when I know these kids have more convenient time for other people.

So I am happy for the new classes and happy to get to see the kids again, but my hopes are no longer up for anything beyond that.  And I will continue to go to the club and dance my cares away and meet new people, but I know it ends once I pull away from Mulberry Street.

From a site I follow:

"Sometimes when we make excuses for allowing civil society to enable evil, we are not excusing evil—we are excusing civil society. Nobody wants to believe that the nation they live is capable of allowing this kind of poison to penetrate its bloodstream. Few of us want to believe that the mechanisms that have mostly worked to keep us safe—especially if we are white, straight, male, or middle class—are also capable of coexisting with a brand of fascism to which the prefix “crypto” is rapidly becoming redundant.

Those mechanisms have never worked as advertised. If you believed they did and would and could, you have made a dangerous error, and the very worst thing you can do right now is stick to your guns, because for a lot of angry white men out there, the guns they’re stuck to are anything but metaphorical."

I had a student in my class come up with a wonderful idea for the Aesthetics assignment.  She wanted to focus on the ugliness that came out after the election in November.  She was intent on creating images that conveyed the oppression felt by Muslims, LGBTQ people, and women.  She was passionate.  I liked her direction because she could clearly identify why she needed to do this and the concrete ways she had seen the people targeted in the past and how that had increased recently.

Then, she went to another teacher for feedback.  And she lost her focus, in more ways than one.  He played "devil's advocate" and as a result, she was now convinced that those who voted for and supported the candidate now installed in office were victims of persecution as well, for instance if the rest of the family did not support that candidate.  When talking about her discussions with him, she said he was "brilliant."  

By including images that portrayed a boy who supported the "president" as being victimized, she completely diluted her message.  I would say she invalidated it.  Why did I not say anything at the time?  I tried to counter what she had been told by the teacher.  It did not work.  He (note the gender) is highly respected, teaches History, and can do no wrong in the kids' eyes.  I am a she, teach fluff - I mean, Photography - and am used by my kids for support and advice until graduation.  Then I am thrown out like a piece of trash (until they need some help from me post-graduation - more on that later.).  Why would a student listen to me (a she) over another teacher (a he)?  

Reread the above quote.  

If a member of the group that has occupied a position of unencumbered privilege is playing devil's advocate, it comes form a place of ignorance.  If a member or an oppressed group does not play devil's advocate, it comes from a place of knowledge and experience.  The relationship with this female student deteriorated fairly quickly after this.  She seemed to lose respect for me, did not work, and even challenged me.  Connected?  Perhaps.  I did not take the bait and change my attitude towards her by leaving her art out of shows.  As a matter of fact, I made sure to continue to promote her work.   

Now, less than one week after the events in Charlottesville, can you tell me that there is any place for devil's advocacy?  A couple of weeks into the summer, said student e-mailed me asking for a favour.  She wanted her sister to use photo backdrop equipment for the summer theater program.  I replied with a yes and asked her to be careful with it due to budget issues and lack of ability to replace things.  

Did I get a "thank you"?  Take a guess.......  That is the last I heard from her.

Pause

A couple of weeks ago a person I knew died.  I hesitate to use the word "friend" loosely, so I just kept thinking of him as an acquaintance at this point.  Then, at his funeral on Friday, someone who spoke said that if you knew him, you were his friend and he was yours.  And I smiled.  I felt selfish and presumptuous thinking "friend" up until that point.  I call him "friend" now.

I met him at a dance club 20 years ago.  One person I mistakenly called a friend referred to this club as the place the losers went to.  Well, if these people are the losers, I'll take them.  It is probably the source of the most people I keep in contact with (over my schools, family, and previous jobs.)  He was one of the people on the after-closing diner trips.  You know, the ones where you drive home and the sun is coming up and the birds are waking up.  I'd get cinnamon toast and and and egg cream because that's all I had money for.  He got a full meal.  Always with bacon.

When that club burned down, sister and I saw him at another club.  We all seemed to relocate, en masse.  Then I stopped going for a variety of reasons.  Yet every time I saw him, he gave me a big hello and bear hug.  His hugs could lift you off the ground.  He had a big laugh.  He wore shorts no matter the temperature.  He danced like a silly goofball, but so did all of us.  His mohawk was really quite pristine, even when it became dappled with grey.  He was the kindest, happiest, most free person I have ever known.  He was child-like and incredibly mature at the same time.  At the new club I go to, I had been secretly hoping I would see him walk in whenever I knew he was back in the state.  That never happened.  But at least I bumped into him now and then.

At first glance, one would think he was immature.  He was not married.  He did not own a home.  He skated, rode motocross, loved loud punk music, moved around wherever the work was, ate like hell, and was quite the dancing fool.  At first glance, he did not seem to take anything seriously.  Yet, during his eulogy, things that I had completely forgotten about came flooding back.  Any serious issue conversation you had with him was intense and meaningful.  He was generous without the flash of drawing attention to it.  His presence made you happy if you were down, and I think that was no accident on his part.  When seeing pics online, I realize his path probably nearly crossed with mine a few times before the clubbing due to his presence at the Totowa ramp and that skate crowd as well as the music he liked.  I am really lucky that I did finally get to meet and be friends with him.

When I teach and work, I do my best to make all my kids happy.  I also do my best to be friendly to my co-workers.  Some have noted how happy I am in the classroom.  I have done my best to be loving, funny, and generous.  It has not always been this way.  I was working my first teaching job when I met him. Through the club, I got out of that place and got my next teaching job.  My teaching style changed.  I became happier and tried to make my students happier.  I think I was copying him a little bit.  When you see someone like that week after week, you are bound to learn something.  I learned a lot from him, I just didn't know it.

I have vowed to keep his spirit alive in my heart.  He had no college degree.  He had skills but not that paper.  He did as he pleased.  He didn't hurt a soul.  He was what I want to be and what I will now encourage all my students to be.  He danced with reckless abandon, traveled, treated people with kindness, didn't tell others what they should do, and did as he pleased.  He didn't play the game, he was happy, and had a positive impact on the people who met him.  His wake was at the same place as a friend of my husband's was almost 20 years ago.  Both died doing what they loved.  New Jersey traffic kept me from getting there before my niece's birthday party but the funeral the next day was packed to the rafters.  Both had unimaginable crowds for that last visit, with people coming from all over the country to pay their respects.  I still think about my husband's departed friend Joe to this day, I will keep thinking about Skippy for a very long time.

#WWSD, indeed.

How I Ended Up In the Dungeon Pert 4

So I proceed as normal like the good little worker bee that I am.  I suffer inside because, as you know, if a female expresses anger, it is feminized to being "upset".  I am cordial with the co-worker.

In the meantime, I find a box of slides belonging to a science department teacher.  I go see her to ask if they are indeed hers.  She is astonished that they are still there.  Here is the story:  AF offered to scan them for her.  They are years worth of slides for her subject matter, a couple of hundred.  She never saw them again, until today.  She thought he trashed them and was afraid to approach him.  Why?  He slashed her tires over a parking space.  We have no assigned spaces at work.  Parking is first come, first served, as it should be (If I can get my ass to work by 6.15 am, you had better believe I deserve a batter parking space than the history teacher who runs in the side door at 8.03 am.)  AF didn't think this woman should park where she was because he claimed it was "his" space.  She didn't comply and thought it immature.  He responded by slashing her tires.  She knew it was him because he had done the same to another female a few years prior (she had since left for another school).  When this woman asked administration to check the camera footage - knowing the incident was in in full view of a security camera - the claim that nothing was seen was made.  So she stayed silent.  I offered to do the scan job that AF never did.  I also learned what this man was capable of and that I had better not make waves.

Luckily, I made the program grow such that we needed another Photography teacher.  I now had two levels and could fill all eight periods with kids. After two years,  AF was moved across the building and I got my partner.  Like any roommates, we have issues, but they are minor.  However, the program continues to grow - I have AP now at the behest of the kids - and according to guidance, they could fill 10 whole periods of Photo based on demand.

I do still have issues.  Guidance has been encouraged or forced to not put individuals in my class over another class.  Kids are coerced into other classes by teachers or admin.  However, I am having fun with the special beings that end up in 026 every year.  I know I have a target on my back.  My old principal used to start the school year with a special e-mail to me nearly every August - a link to some article or report noting the death of film.  I think this qualified as some subtle form of harassment, but keep your head down, little girl. There is a custodian who always comes to chat me up in the mornings and peppers the conversation with his insider knowledge that the darkroom is going to be converted to class space for the Bergen County program.  Of course, he knows that I can be moved to room 148.  That room has a darkroom, you know.  Yes, space for two enlargers.  The hits just keep coming.  I also have a couple of colleagues who like to steal my kids.  (They do this to another gal in my department as well).  If they see we have a special creative bond/relationship with a student, and they happen to have that kid as well, they manipulate the student into dropping their concentration on our class and redirecting their focus on the other class.  They have even bullied/coerced the kids into not coming to us for extra help or advice.  Seem paranoid?  We thought so too until students confided in us what was going on.

I could go on, and I might continue this story another time.  However, I need to rest for now.  It has been a lonely, quiet summer.  There has been disappointment and death and the sun is finally out.  I have a rare chance to garden and some brand new music to listen to.

How I Ended Up In the Dungeon Part 3

I promptly sent an e-mail to my department head (DH) because I knew of issues with the other guy (AF) and female colleagues.  And here are my notes from what happened next...

Meeting 1

Department Head's office

Tuesday, 10/17/06

Present:  Department Head, Me

List of events

·       I am told that DH spoke to AF upon reciept of my letter the previous day. AF denied saying that I and my students did not know what we were doing.  I stand by what I put in the letter and state that I do not lie and everything in the letter is exactly what happened.

·       I am told that there are pipes in AF's room; the school will put a sink in room 027; I say I just want him to not come in my room when I have class because it is disruptive; he has five other periods when he can come in to use the sinks; I state I do not want the school to go to any expense.

·       I become angry at hearing of AF's comments and denial and ask DH if I should get the union or JW or VJ involved [note: this was based on knowledge of other issues within the building where colleagues had battles with each other]; DH says we do not want it to get that far, it is not necessary, it would be much worse if it goes further and “you don't want that.”  I even ask if I need to involve a lawyer.

·       I am told that AF said he has been pulled aside by my students because they needed help and were lost and confused; I said I never saw this in my room; DH says AF claims this happened in the halls throughout the day; I state he was approaching the students in my class with me right there.

·       DH attests to my dedication to the school; also reminds me of how I “wear [my] emotions on [my] face” and was “upset” with an incident with Sculpture 2 a few years ago; the implication is that I may be making a big deal out of nothing;  the incident with S2 referred to is when I found out the last week of school that I would not be teaching the course I developed, wrote curriculum for, and recruited students for and found out that two members of my department, my department head and principal were involved in this decision I knew nothing about.

·       DH says it is better to work this out at this level and AF wants to meet; I say only with another person present; DH says it will be the three of us and we arrange day and time.

·       The door between DH and his secretary's office (AF's then wife) was open the whole time.

·       After we hear AF's wife leave, I state to DH that I think AF said what her has been thinking all along but didn't mean to let slip out;  I state that I probably caught him off guard and he accidentally said what he really felt.

·       DH acknowledges this look like sour grapes on AF's part.

Notes:

I definitely get the feeling that DH want to nip this in the bud because it will look good for himself.  I feel like I am being bullied into not going further.

And then this happened...Read it ALL THE WAY TO THE END.

Meeting 2

DH's office

Tuesday, 10/17/06  after school

Present:  AF, DH, Me

List of events

·       I find out DH sees AF as a “very good friend” he has not known to lie; I am uncomfortable knowing this and realize that DH is not impartial.

·       I am first asked by DH to discuss the letter and I explain that I did it as a means of recording what was said between AF and me on Monday because of AF's reaction and it not being what I expected.

·       AF is given his chance and he starts speaking to me very angrily asking who am I to say these things and do this to him, leaning towards me and gesturing angrily; his face look very angry; I feel I am being verbally attacked.

·       AF says I said I don't know what I am doing and don't want my students to know this;  I am shocked by this lie and say that I cannot believe he is making this stuff up; AF says I don't remember what was said.

·       After AF is done with his tirade, I say to DH that I don't deserve to be talked to that way and want to have someone else in here now; DH works hard to dissuade me from involving anyone else saying that involving others would be very bad and “you don't want that.”

·       DH says that AF is high up in the union and knows about grievances and such and wouldn't do anything that could cause a problem; I look at AF and say to him that he is a very smart man and he knows exactly what he is doing, knows that there were no witnesses and it is my word against his; he smirks as I talk to him.

·       DH mentions the following a few times during the meeting:  their combined years of experience compared to mine, his close relationship with AF, it is the word of a good trusted friend versus a dependable worker, this is the first time he has had to deal with a inter-school disagreement like this.

·       DH says sometimes co-workers do not get along, citing an example of his own; AF and I should get along and remain friends because we used to be.

·       AF says we were friends, we've had dinner together and even sat together at last year's NJEA dinner; in fact, we have not been friends, just friendly to each other, we only ate together once and that is because there were not other seats available and he had to ask to sit at out table (we did not want him there) but I do not say this.

·       AF insists that I do not recall correctly and he did not say what I claim; he proceeds to question my ability to remember and I stand up and try to end the meeting a second time; DH again lets me know how bad it would be and it is better to fix this at this level; I feel like I am supposed to cooperate or else this will look bad for me alone.

·       I also had stated that I do not want FA to continue to slander me if this is settled today because anything I wrote in the letter is true and he should not be discussing this with people as if I lied.

·       I am continually correcting NS that I am not “upset,” I am “angry;” he finally uses the word “angry” rather than “upset.”

·       AF is allowed to have his say and relates some story about how he and another colleague across the hall used to interact with each other and go into each other's rooms and give each other feedback.

·       I have my say and state that I have worked in other districts and with a variety of people and that we all give and get feedback but that is not what AF was doing; I also state how surprised I was at his reactions to my reasonable requests.

·       I am coerced into agreeing to not take this further if both parties agree to not address that Monday discussion;  I am asked if I still want to go to JW and I say no;  AF is asked if he “still” wants to take this further and he states no; up until this point, I was made to feel by DH that I was the only one looking to go further with this but apparently not; DH expresses how proud he is of himself that he was able to solve this disagreement without it getting worse or going any further; DH wants us to be “friends” again and hug, and I stick out my hand to shake;  DH and AF chuckle and AF shakes my hand; DH lets me know that I should hug FA and I reluctantly do;  as soon as we are done, I run out to my room to clean up and run to my car.

Notes:

I did not want to continue the meeting as explained above, but given the fact that DH is my immediate supervisor, I was made to feel that I had no choice.  I felt he meant that it would be bad only for me if I took this further.

I felt that AF did not expect me to say anything to anyone about his claims to me that I and my students do not know what we are doing.  My actions caught him off guard and he and DH expected me to just give in and say that maybe AF was right, maybe I do not remember everything accurately.  When I stood by my version of the events, AF appeared to to press his lies as firmly.  I feel he was using the threat to DH to take this further as another way of scaring me.

DH was very hurt by the fact that he was not involved in the decision to take AF out of Photography and give it to me.  He had also, in the Spring, referred to LD (the only Art Dept hire he had any involvement in) as doing “great things with photos and computers”  while aware of the fact that I was going to be teaching photo.  This left me wondering what his purpose was in stating that since only one person would be teaching photo.  [I later found out that LD was to be brought in to take on the classes I could not teach due to the high demand for the class - the only good thing at this point]  I feel that DH sees himself and AF as the victims in the Photography issue and this put me at an immediate disadvantage in this event.  I also wonder if he sees it very easy to fill the photo position should I get angry and leave (as had happened in a similar situation).  Filling the position with his hire would be very good for him.

As I sat in this meeting, I felt I had no options.  I was dissuaded three times over the course of the day from having union representation.  I felt threatened by AF's tone of voice and DH's lack of effort to stop AF from speaking to me in that way.  The only person told to calm down at any time was me.  I was made to feel that I was acting like the typical emotional female and there was a definite condescending sexist undertone during the whole meeting.  I had to work hard to get DH to stop referring to me as “upset” and remind him that I was “angry.”  The ultimate indignation came when I was forced to hug AF.  I expressed my reluctance to do this by shaking his hand but the message was clear that I was supposed to hug him.

Welcome to my life....

How I Ended Up In the Dungeon Part 2

I spend the summer of 2006 refreshing my memory and brushing up on my photo skills.  Sister had a more recent version of Photoshop, and that kept me busy.  I also had a copy of the previous curriculum - basically useful as toilet paper at most.  I was on my own.  But I have always worked fine on my own.  Most of my other jobs were solitary and I was able to run the show with no interference.

I had three sections of Photography and I also had Yearbook and maybe Foundations of Art - I can't remember.  I went in to set the room up and unpack my order.  The pace was a hoarder's disaster.  There were Kodak paper boxes almost as old as I was, piled to the ceiling.  How any of this passed fire code was beyond me.  I needed extra hands.  My mother and hubby came in to help.  We worked all day.  I cleaned the place of obvious garbage - the man and I were still sharing the room.

The year starts off well.  I used the desk in that room - he used a desk/office area across the hall, which was now his main classroom.  Everything seemed hunky dory.  The kids wanted a second level of Photo.  I proposed it and wrote the curriculum.  The following year I had five sections.  I received word that they needed more sections due to demand.  I had dome my job as told - fix the program.  I thought I was OK.

Then intra-department issues.  Money for supplies is allocated to departments.  When Photo was moved to the Art Department,  the Business and Technology Department lost that money.  My program was not taking any money from the art budget.  Our budget grew because of the reallocation of money.  However, there was a belief that my program was taking money away from the other art classes.  I had the figures.  I showed all involved parties.  Meetings were tense.  I was on my own.  While half the department knew the facts, when I would be attacked in the meetings, I was left to defend myself.  Others knew that my program was not taking money form others, but no one spoke up to defend me.  The irony that the individuals who were involved in the decision to move me to photo were now angry with the success of the program was not lost on me.

However, I was having the time of my life.  I was meeting and working with some crazy talented kids.  The darkroom was a magical place.  Then this happened in October of 2006:

I was in the middle room helping students out as they came out of the darkroom.  The other guy needed a water source and his kids would cross the hall to use the photo sinks.  Sometimes what they were dumping would get in the print wash, but I said nothing, just quickly swooshed that liquid to the drain.  Then I come out from helping someone and find him advising one of my students.  Now, I - and a couple of colleagues - have no qualms about having kids get advice from others.  However, we do not give advice unsolicited.  That is stepping on the other teacher's expertise.

I called him out into the hall and asked what he was doing and asked that he please not advise my students because I am their teacher.  His reply was "Well, you don't know what you are doing."  within earshot of the kids.  He also said the students did not know what they were doing.  Except I had a file full of the past work from his classes.  I knew the quality of the work done by kids who had him as a teacher.  I have abysmal self esteem, but I was confident that my kids were on the right path.

So I e-mailed my department head about this incident.

To be continued....