Day 5 of our glorious five day weekend courtesy of a nearly snow-less winter.  The temptation to start typical summer projects grows but I resist.  Why start the project when the summer vacation has not yet started?  However, I have started some summer mode routines:  coffee and reading after breakfast (in the comfy chair in the dining room), hours spent in the garden, tons of reading, listening to lots of music, burning summer incense, Millie nap time.

The best part of all this so far?  My horrible across the street neighbours are gone.  The house was foreclosed - finally - and I now have some peace and quiet.  This might seem heartless but not without reason.  The mother was a racist, homophobic, anti-Semitic drunk and the kids were following right in line.  We have a pile of papers with her nasty quotes to her kids.  She used to sing "Dreidel Dreidel" when we would plug in the blue lights on our porch.  They dumped a dead baby skunk on our property once.  She drove drunk.  A lot.  No one on the block liked them.  She never made a real effort to work even when the husband was out of work.  Yet the beer kept on flowing.  I feel sadness when my students or other undeserving people lose a home due to deception or cruel circumstances.  This bunch?  I think I danced a little jig when the moving truck was in the driveway.  So now when I work on the plants in the front, I do it without hearing her horrible voice.  I no longer have to pick up garbage they have dropped in the street.  I no longer have to discuss with hubby if the latest incident warrants a call to DYFS - though some state employee friends have heard momma in action and said they would have called.  We can sit in our living room at night reading, listening to music, or watching PBS and not have to shut the window to drown out their voices.  The peace is strange, but so nice.

Speaking of drunks, while I cannot wait to see my kids again tomorrow, there is one thing I am not looking forward to:  The refusal to work because they must talk about all the drunken drama from their beach escapades.  Honestly, I do not see how anyone can spend five days with all the same people in that kind of environment and not want to leave it all behind, very quickly, but that's me.  If you think the kids are going down the shore for wholesome fun in the water, you are deluded.  But we keep our blinders on.  Me?  I never did it, wasn't allowed and it didn't appeal to this straight edge leaning gal.  But that isn't why I don't want to hear it.  I am a teacher, it is not yet summer, and we have work to do.  We have projects to finish and exams to prepare for.  And none of you are 21 and you shouldn't be drinking.  I can't fathom seeing the end of the year come and having a bunch of unfinished photo projects.  I will also be saying goodbye to most of my kids.  I have a lot of seniors and I will most likely never seem them again.  I want to have a wonderful close to the year and I don't want that marred by struggle.  But I know I will have some colleagues who will coast for the next two weeks.  They will play movies, diddle on their phones while the kids chat or sleep.  I have stuff to get done.  I have another show to prep for.  I need to photograph all the work before returning it to the students.  I'm not stressed yet, but I just do not want to have to deal with hearing about drunken debauchery.  I got rid of that BS on my street, and I don't want to hear it at work.  I'd rather chat with the kids about how to solve an issue with a project or talk about some cool pictures they shot over the holiday or some cool exhibits coming up over the summer.

Another Art Show down.  As usual, I had a great time.  This year's bunch of helpers were wonderful.  Some might questions a couple of my choices, but they proved themselves worthy.  Other teachers might have seen who I picked (two in particular) and thought I made a stupid mistake because they would never have selected them. However, watching those kids work their asses off helping me and other teachers was really nice.  As a matter of fact, this was the smoothest set up in a couple of years and I give full credit to my kids.

Last night's turnout was a bit light.  I think a lot of families might have already headed away for the long weekend.  I camped out by the photo stuff, nary a colleague in sight and that suited me fine. I saw so many former students.  So many of them talk about how they miss the class.  Some keep shooting.  Some take a photo class in college.  Some even do side photography regardless of the major.  One gal shot for Smithville and they used her images on their website.  I will be meeting her for coffee after the school year ends.  We have a lot to catch up on.  I talked to her and a couple of others about politics and the volunteer work I do.

I always ask for feedback from the alumni.  The consensus was that this year's photography was great. They thought it keeps getting better.  Some are bummed to see new processes they didn't get to do, but I console them with the fact that they did things I didn't do this year.  The positive feedback regarding the work and the new set up was good and I took it all in.

I also talked to a lot of family members.  There were even a couple of kids who were working but their family came.  That meant a great deal to me.  A student cannot help the work schedule, but the work they do with me means enough to them that they want to make sure the people that mean the most to them see the results of their effort and creativity.  Those kids whose parents didn't or refused to see the significance of this were on my mind as I drove home.  I just know that there are some kids who have no one who gives a sh*t and I feel rotten about that.  I am immensely proud of the work they do, and I wish that was enough.

So the other big thing on my mind on the drive home?  The threat of losing the darkroom.  It looms bigger than ever right now.  Apparently, the autism/inclusion program is expanding and the word on the street is that the whole hall will be for them in a couple of years, including my room.  Photo is not supposed to go away, but the darkroom will be gone.  No one says that the whole program as is will be moved,  The word is that no darkroom - photo will be only digital.  Well, if you pay any attention to what goes on at the art show you will learn one thing:  The darkroom is the heart of the program as I run it and I am the one that was given the task to revive the program in 2006.  It is the foundation of it, it is its strength, it is what enables most of the kids to succeed.  Take a look at some of the names on those name tags.  Then take this in:  That work is most likely made in the darkroom.  That means this:  That student learned how to operate a manual film camera, take photographs on black and white negative film, develop that film, and then make enlargements in the darkroom.  Every single kid has done that and none of them had an aide.  Let's put it this way...  There are years that the pile of classroom adjustments from IEPs of the kids I have is so thick, it lands with a loud thud if I drop that pile to the floor.  Any and every kind of learning disability, emotional disturbance, physical disability, developmental disability?  I get them.  The Child Study Team knows this.  The head of the Special Ed department knows this.  Guidance knows this. And I rarely have kids drop my periods.  That cannot be said for other teachers.   Hell, this year, I even had a girl in period 6 who took one of the kids from the inclusion autism program and had him print in the darkroom.

And you think you can just get rid of the darkroom?  For what?  To save money?  To gain square footage?  If this school does that, they will prove just how little they care for the good of the whole student body.  We already know that the kids feel that the sports kids are the only ones that matter here.  However, with our new super, that feeling might just change.  But if you get rid of the darkroom for the inclusion program, you might be giving the people who run that program what they claim they need.  But you will be taking something away from students who have no advocates and never speak up for themselves.  One example?  There was a student a few years ago with incredible anxiety.  He was on home instruction for some time. There might have been depression issues as well.  He even started crying with me at one point his senior year.   A boy, crying to a female teacher...  in PV, testosterone central.  Let that sink in.   However, he now runs his own photo business.  Successfully.  He gives my program a little bit of credit for that because he had success in my class.  Those are some of the kids that will lose out if you get rid of this darkroom.

To be honest, I am mentally ready to go at any point.  I know I can be RIF'd.  Any teacher of a special has to be mentally ready in this high stakes testing climate.  I have had arts teacher friends who have been RIF'd.  But the harm that will be done to the kids will be on the consciences of those who make that decision to decimate this program.  Oh, and I have always been the only teacher in this department to have to deal with this threat.  I have been moved around, told to fix photo, expanded both programs I taught (yeah, I expanded Sculpture years ago too).  I know it is all part of the game in this place, but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow.

So I am on shaving strike.

I teach in a pretty sexist, misogynistic district.  I shouldn't be offending anyone here.  The machismo is worn proudly.  So I have several male students spread out over the five periods I teach who have the scruff going on.  A majority of them keep it rough, unkempt, ragged, uncombed, ungroomed.  It is pretty much the same with their hair.  To be honest, I could not care any less.  I know my personal style is nowhere near anyone else's idea of cool or in.  However, I am always hearing the conversations that express what these boys think of how their female peers look and groom themselves.  And there is most certainly a double standard going on here.

Asked to clarify their personal style and what is going on, one is met with a defiant "This is how I am", "take it or leave it", "it's my right" attitude.  And they are right.  No one should be told how to look.  No one should be told how to dress.  No one should be told to change one's style.

However, dig a little and you find a hypocrisy just under the surface.  When I asked what they thought of a female who does not shave, I was met with an interesting answer.   The girls should shave.  Why?  "Because they are girls."

Oh.  Really.

Instant mental flashback to:

• the son of an employee who was beating his girlfriend during his cocaine rages; the girl refused to admit anything was going on, graduated and nothing could be proven or done
• the boy who told a female classmate to "Come here, baby" and she blindly complied until I intervened with a speech about why she should not be spoken to or ordered around that way
• the student who was raped while drunk at a party and refused to admit it was rape because she was drunk, never mind that she was unconscious when raped and bloody as a result
• the male colleague who reminisced with me about "the gold old days" when the male teachers could stand at their doors in between classes and ogle all the girls in mini skirts; I was unable to formulate a response, I was so dumbfounded
• the fact that the boys think that if they ask a girl to the prom, she should know that the favor must be returned later that night; if she doesn't want to sleep with him, she shouldn't accept the prom invite (I tried so hard to address this one, but the kids shut me out)

And on, and on.  And so my strike might seem trite, but it is part of a much bigger picture here.  I am sick of the misogynistic attitudes of the men in this district.  I know it is not all the men here, but it is the majority.  And our efforts to reframe the male student's thinking is damn near impossible considering the fact that they have grown up for 13-14 years learning from the men they look up to before they get to us.  Those men might treat their kids poorly, the kids' mothers poorly, and any other females they come across in the day-to-day business of just living.  But put the machismo and testosterone on display and your son will look up to you and worship you as an example of toughness.  Because that's the way a real man has to be, right?  Try to use a kinder, more humane male peer as an example to these students, and you are disregarded.  Someone told me yesterday that we have come so far from the oppression women dealt with like in the 1950s.  Yes, but today's oppression is more hidden, more subtle, but still very present.  And that is not ok.

Me:  "Did you listen to my show, mom?"
Mom:  "I thought it is tomorrow night."
Me: "No.  It was tonight."

So I had what might be my last radio show during Alumni Takeover Week.  The station is apparently cutting out playing real music, I mean playing cd's.  I do not have mp3's.  I buy vinyl, cassettes, and cd's so if this policy remains, last night was my swan song.  And, I was forgotten.  Again.

"You never ask for anything."

That was my mother's reaction and apology for again forgetting something involving me.  And that is why I have been having such a rotten year.  I don't ask for much, if anything at all from family, friends, co-workers, and so on.  I have rarely said no when asked for help or a favour.  I spend countless hours proofreading written work by colleagues.  At times, the low level words and grammar made me groan.  Spouse cheating on you?  Significant other dumped you?  Having trouble with your students?  Need your paper for your graduate class worked on?  Need a photo scanned/ worked on/ printed?  Need the house looked after while you go away?  Need some cooperation with a community member's request?  I'll do it.  Unfortunately, this has meant nothing.   So I quickly and firmly cross the ungrateful and ungiving off my list.

So when I go to my mailbox and find a wonderful thank you note for having done something that was merely a part of my job, I am floored.  The sincerity coming from a person who has been maligned by others made me feel wanted and appreciated.  This is the second time this year that is has happened.  Both grateful people are women who have been bad mouthed but never listened to.  If you take the time to sit down with someone and hear their stories, you might get some insight into how things got to be the way they are.  If you try your best to be a good friend or colleague, and you are met with cruelty, inconsideration, and ingratitude, you eventually give up.  And I cannot blame them.

People want help, favours, freebies, more, more, more from others.  Yet they are unwilling to give of themselves.  If they make a misstep or their selfishness is called attention to, your generosity is forgotten.  And if they ever realize they made a mistake, you will wait a long time for an apology.

So how does this relate to teaching?  The most recent chapter I read in my copy of "Anarchist Pedagogies" had to do with the connotation of what an anarchist society and what the reality would be.  It has to do with solidarity, support, and cooperation.  There are no takers.  There is no guilt.  Every individual knows that if a need arises, there are many who will fill that need willingly.  And there is the knowledge that that effort and kindness will be returned when needed.  No guilt.  Just goodness of heart, offering of specialized skills, true cooperation.

I hear so much "cooperation" and "collaboration" coming from peoples mouths lately.  Blah, blah, blah.  With the majority of people, it is a one way street.  How can we truly have our kids and students grow up to be positive contributors to society, willing to help when needed, caring for others, when most of us have no idea what that means?  We live in a time of expectations of assistance and help from others without the willingness to give back.  I love what I am reading right now and work so hard to have a classroom environment that is positive but I just don't think it is enough.

The building ran out of tissues a couple of weeks ago.  This happens every year around allergy season.  However, this year it is particularly problematic.  That is because some colleagues need the tissues to wipe the sh*t off their noses.  I never have and never will be a butt kisser.  I wish said co-workers were the same.  It is nauseating seeing all the kissing up going on in meetings and e-mails.  I am tired of all the smooching going on in the "reply all" responses filling my inbox.  Meanwhile, those with the most brown dripping from their noses are trying to dig dirt up on those they kiss up to.  That is a game I will not play, regardless of the guilty parties trying to drag me into it.  I played that game as a means of fitting in and making my life here a bit better.  I was miserable and refuse to play anymore.  I have always felt that as a teacher, my hard work should be put towards what I do in the classroom and for the school community.  That is my focus.  If I ever do end up with an administrator that only wants kissing up and disregards my dedication and loyalty to educating my students and having a positive impact on their lives, so be it.

So I have been reading another book on education.  I do not consider myself an anarchist, but this book is on anarchist pedagogies.  And I am finding myself nodding to the first chapter an awful lot.  I just read about false hierarchies and abuse of authority.  The author breaks down how those ideals play out in society and the connection to the classroom is obvious.  Then, I have a student come to class and mention a teacher's power trip.  I do not give my opinion - I can't.  But I let the student know that I have different approaches to the classroom.  He lets me know he sees that.

This is Teacher Appreciation Week.  There are memes all over the internet about reflecting on the teacher that made the biggest impression on your decision to teach.  The thing is, no one did.  But I do remember enjoying the ones that had no power trip.  They spoke to the class as if were were to be respected, and we gave respect in return.  The class dialogues were more equal.  Yet, we knew we were not equal in many ways - age, knowledge, experience.  And we saw our teachers as people that had a great deal to offer us.  Those teachers on a power trip?  Relegated to the dustbin of my memory.

So then, when at the end of that period yesterday, when a little incident happens, and I lose my cool, my head is spinning.  Not because of what a student did and how he and another reacted.  My head was spinning because I did not have the time left in the period to properly address it - their actions, the possible consequences, and my subsequent reaction.  My concern?  That they leave with the idea that I pulled the position of authority bit.  I get colleagues who always say "Write them up!".  Yeah, you go do that.  But that rarely works for me.  And the kids admit that too.  My method derives from my political beliefs and my beliefs that we get along better in this world when we talk things out, when both sides are heard before judgments are made.  And so I prefer to discuss a student's behaviour with that student and why I have an issue with it.

Luckily, I happened to see one of the two in the hall the following period.  I told my side and I hope I was heard.  That's the part I have no control over.  But at least I tried.  You see, I would rather put all my energy into my job and the kids and creating a positive educational climate at this school than kissing my administration's butt.  The former is what we are supposed to do as educators.  The latter is what you do when you assume you are smarter than everyone else.