Won!

I bid on a bundle of 620 film spools on e-bay and totally forgot to check the status near the end last night.  If you don't e-bay, you need to know that the bids can all of a sudden shoot up in the last seconds.  But....  I won!  Hell yeah!  That's great because a student threw out one of mine last year and I want to also have some here for the students to use on our donated Brownie.  


Phew...


I have also begun submitting work for shows again.  I was kind of half-*ssing it last year.  Not very motivated by being so involved in union and political stuff.  But now I keep waking up with ideas for projects - film and sculptural - and have stuff I am now proud to try to exhibit.  So bring on the rejection letters!

When I am in Hungary over Easter, I want to see the gallery I had two prints in.  They have artist-in-residence programs too.  I wish I knew enough Hungarian to do that.... dare to dream.

Shoot

So as Millie was crawling all over me in the wee hours of the morning, I had a brainstorm for a new project.

I have been trying to think of a way to use all the things I dig up in my yard.  Some of them were just not feasible - gluing broken things back together - or just cheesy - making sculptures with the remnants attached.  But this idea is a good one.  I brought some stuff down from the attic and set it up in my work room, looked at the light coming in from the windows and decided it was too harsh.  I keep checking it, and will wait until it suits me.  I am also thinking that the light from the overhead fixture might give me what I am looking for Amazing what four little paws running all over you will do for the thought process.

I am also reading a great deal to prep for the trip back to Budapest.  I have been practicing the language semi-diligently.  I certainly can't read anything in Hungarian, like I was able to in French, but I am making progress and that makes me happy.  A great deal of what I read tell me that a great deal of my quirks are very Hungarian in nature.  If only dad understood that he is really mostly Hungarian and not all that other stuff, then we could have truly gotten to the root of things.

Snow

The snow keeps coming but it is not at the right time of day or not enough snow falling.  We all need a day off so desperately.  This isn't like any other job where each person can get away from everyone frequently.  At the NBA, if someone was getting on my nerves, I just grabbed a pile of slides and went to the back of the library and filed and organized.  At the magazine, I could just take a walk to another part of the office or leave the building and go walking the streets of the city to cool off.  It's not that way in school.  If the kids are getting on each other's nerves, where do they go?  They are faced with seeing each other each and every day in a season where the weather is not conducive to getting out and finding a release. (Heck, due to the dearth of good touring bands, my release is gone too!)  We are all cooped up inside with each other with nowhere to go.

So what is the release?  A punch, a nasty comment.  And I can't really blame them.  I'd feel the same too.  We need a break and we need it soon.  This dinky little one day off tomorrow is not enough.  Tempers are flaring, people are agitated.  It's just tough....  I want a damn snowstorm and I want it at the right time of week and day.

So I rushed to Morristown to get more documents to scan for this volunteer job I am doing.  I have had a bit of anxiety over being the only one scanning drawers full of resources.  But I met the new gal they pay to do scanning and I feel so much better.  She seems quite capable.  But golly, the driving stunk.  South Street was worse than all of 287, and if you know 287 at 4.00 pm on a weekday, you know what I mean.

I have come to realize that the end of my teaching career may come sooner rather than later.  I have seen so much change - loss of respect, loss of benefits, barely any increase in pay, more time, less reward.  I love the kids and watching them grow and learn, but the peripheral stuff takes a toll.  I want to find a place where respect still exists, but I fear that is out of my reach.  I try so hard to model behaviour for the students but I am up against an awful lot.  The selfish attitudes increase each and every year.  There is little concern for each other or the faculty.  It has become very thankless.  I have been teaching for 15 years and thought I would retire from this.  I just don't think I can take it all the way to retirement.  Many of the great teachers have dropped out of the field.   Not that I am conceited and believe I am great.  I just feel like less of a failure knowing I am not the only one.

This makes me very sad because of how strongly I feel about what I do.  At least Millie is happy with me, purring on my lap.  I need to do a little more for myself... but first, Millie's dinner, practicing Hungarian, yoga class, and then PBS.  I know, exciting life....

Aggression

So I need to get this off my mind.  What is the big draw for kids to watch fights?  I talked about this with the hubby recently.  He does not know either.  We both agree on one thing:  the location of the fights has changed since we were in school.  Sure, there were s few fights in the school building, during the school day. But more often than not, they took place off school grounds.  If you wanted to avoid seeing one, it was easy.  And trust me, many of us wanted to avoid seeing one.  I know that in my crowd, we were either at work or at home doing homework, or holed up in our bedrooms listening to music.  Hubby's crowd were doing about the same.

Nowadays, I am aware of quite a change.  I can't think it is just geographical.  Sure, I grew up in Morris County (which I see as a kinder, gentler locale) but hubby grew up in aggressive, unfriendly Bergen County (his opinion, so don't harp on me).  I can't tell you the disappointment I felt when I saw some of my students excited to head towards the spot there was scheduled to be a fight.  Or when students I see as polite and mild-mannered are drooling for all the dirty details of a fight they missed.

Perhaps it is partially because some of my friends were the ones in constant fear of being beat up.  Perhaps it is that I value learning more than fighting.  But it is largely due to the fact that my educational philosophy and thoughts on the role of the school runs counter to that of those who like to start and/or view fights.

So here it goes... My educational philosophy...

My philosophy is informed by my politics.  I cannot discuss my politics here, but I will discuss why I run my classroom the way I do.

When I taught middle and elementary, I never presented the "Classroom Rules" to my students.  We crafted them together.  They had a stake in what happened or did not happen and respected the guidelines more.

At the high school level, I must abide by the school's handbook rules, and I do.  I also know that my students must do that.  However, I believe in allowing my students a certain level of autonomy.  I cannot be the totalitarian teacher who dictates what the students can and cannot do.  Students have free will and, as such, will do as they want, whether it is in front of you or behind your back.  I do, however, believe that creating an environment based on mutual respect and trust helps to foster a greater desire to learn what I have to offer.  People are more willing to listen to you if you listen to them.  Dictating when they can speak, go to the bathroom, get up for a tissue, or ask you a question just comes across to me as more of a power play.  The students are not my minions, they are younger individuals who may or may not know how much they can still learn.  And I do my best to create an environment where they want to and are able to learn and grow.

I respect the fact that we all have bad days in which we may not be open to work as hard, listen as intently, or be up for anything.  However, I put in more effort when I am more "up" and know that most of my students will do the same.  We do not like each other equally, but I give all of them an equal amount of respect and time and hope they notice my example.

I guess that's why it hurts and angers me when those disappointments come - seeing the students fight, watching them rush to the scene, hearing them lament the fact that they missed it.  Those times remind me I am one of a very small minority doing this the way I do.  I might appear to be too lax in some teachers' eyes.  But those are the one who just could never get why I do things as I do.  They are the ones who make fun of the way I live.  I don't care if my colleagues don't get it.  I just wish my students did.

Rotten day.  Snowing when I awoke at 5am and a rough ride home.  Luckily I was able to get to my house.  Hubby couldn't make it up the hill and had to take a circuitous route.  Perhaps I need to worry more about my own safety on days like this and stay home.  Of course, I will never do that until I get in a crash on the way to or from work.

A very negative day, to say the least.  Rather than take my anger out on people, I use music to feel better.  I listened to something sufficient in the car on the way home.  Then I finally sat down and watched my video of  "The Day the Country Died", a British music documentary.  Made me feel so much better.  

Lots on my mind regarding why today stunk like poop, but I need to relax and will jot those thoughts down tomorrow...  British mysteries on NJTV coming up in 30 minutes.

Helping the dead

I took a gravestone preservation workshop with Drew University in October.  I loved it so much.  I was devastated by the "Historic Preservation" events of May - another long story to be told some other time - and have sought ways to get back into it.  I have been scanning documents for a Morris County organization, but that wasn't enough.  I realized I have always been fascinated cemeteries.  I blame two events - my third grade teacher brought our class on a field trip to the cemetery across the street from St. Brendan's; Phyllis and Perrina brought my sister and I to that same cemetery when they were baby-sitting us.  Mom was not happy with either event and P&P never babysat us again.  I thinks I was affected in a much more positive way.  I always liked visiting the cemeteries on vacations and Pere Lachaise was the ultimate sleeping ground to visit.

So I fell in love with gravestone restoration.  I had the chance to clean a sandstone marker in a very old, forgotten burial ground around a church ruin in Long Valley.  Tomorrow night I get to go to a talk on preservation and history at the Denville Library.  I have also been researching preservation programs for another Master's degree.  I feel like I have to have a back up plan in case the teaching situation becomes more and more unpleasant.  I love being with the students and keeping in touch with all the wonderful kids I have met and keep in touch with but the climate is changing and I don't know how much longer I can keep up with this....

Time to go printing in the darkroom...

Not much...

... I felt like putting down here for awhile.  Another mass shooting - this one in an elementary school - and the fact that there are shootings seemingly all the time make for a Vasa who does not want to speak or write much.  Of course, I can perform at work, but that's because I love being in the classroom so much, all bad thoughts rush out the moment the bell rings.  That said, the day teachers are invited to carry guns in NJ is the day I leave the profession.  I have been involved in a few discussions with people who do not agree and I have been struck silent.  Strange, for such an opinionated person to be silenced.  But I feel that there are more and more people who want to let me know their opinions without a care about what mine are.

I will say this, the students who bring it up are unanimous in their opinions that they do not want guns in school.  They will not feel more protected, but more vulnerable.  But, heck, what do they know?

When things like this and the horrible legislating of schools get me down, I shop for real estate.  No, not like a billionaire.  I shop for something that fits with the income of a public school teacher married to a social worker.  I look for handyman specials in Hungary.  And gosh, I dream of being there, fixing up the place, having an actual scullery, tons of gardens, riding my bike into town with Millie in the basket.

But the closest I am getting to that dream is going back to Budapest in April.  I am trying, yet again, to gain some rudimentary grasp of the language.  This time, I vow to practice each day.  My pronunciation is ok - I did well ordering dessert last year!  I just need to plug up holes in my memory and remember what the words are and what they mean!  Ugh.... I also want to see if I can go to some of the offices there to try to find out the whereabouts or fate of some of my relatives.  That, I know, will be the biggest challenge.

I also need to get back to more art submissions.  I have been printing quite a bit lately.  I have brought a few boxes of my paper to work and putter around in the darkroom before anyone comes in.  Just me, my music and my negatives.