Trains!

I went to Northlandz with my sister and niece and nephew today.  Niece is three and nephew is one.  Northlandz is a huge indoor train display - I think the biggest in the country.  I have always wanted to go there.  I secretly wish I had a train set.  My dad used to have one but sold it because he never used it.  Sigh...

This place was just amazing!  It seems to have been built largely by one man.  Then, there were dollhouses on display as well as other toys.  I was so in my element.  There was a huge dollhouse that was larger than the one at the Smithsonian's Museum of American History.  It made me wish I had the time to keep on working on my dollhouse.  This one was build by a woman with the same surname as the man who built the bulk of the train buildings and sets.  There really should be a book about this place.  And there were more adults there than children.

Lulu was so well behaved and just a dream to walk with around there.  Actually, I held her most of the time.  She is quite tiny.  The houses, tracks, bridges, scenery....  It was just amazing.  Then, we took a ride on the little outdoor train through the woods.  There is a part where we can see the vehicles on Route 202.  I asked Lulu whether she liked cars or trains better?  She answered trains.  Right on, cutie pie!  We are like two peas in a pod.

I have always loved trains.  I like watching freight trains, looking for tags on them, riding trains, and looking at the scenery that is not visible by car.  Someone asked me recently if hubby and I rent a car when we travel abroad.  Heck no!  Riding the train through the English countryside from industrial Manchester to Medieval York was beautiful.  Then the ride from Prague to Budapest was just wonderful - forests, flatlands, villages, bike paths.  I just wish train travel in the US was more available and affordable.  The tickets for trips sell out so far in advance and they are so expensive.  I hope I can take Lulu on a train ride someday.

Ugh.

Um, yeah, so that to do list?  Down the drain for today.  Went to find good cards - not happy with the selection this year.   I was out for a half an hour.  I come back to unload the laundry and see it as soon as I open the door to the basement.  Water.  Everywhere.  Yup.  The sewer pipe has backed up again.  Oh, It will drain very slowly, but this means few trips to the toilet, no washing dishes and no bathing until the plumber gets here tomorrow morning.

You might be thinking - if you are that rare bird that reads this - "Didn't this happen before?"  Yes, as a matter of fact it did.  Mere hours before our flight to Budapest the day before Easter.  And here we are, two days before Christmas.

So I spent the better part of the morning shop-vacuuming the basement and the pipe the washer drains to, pouring washing soda and vinegar down the drain, and then re-doing the whole darned thing every time I tested it and it over flowed again.  Oh, and I had to go out in the rain to empty the shop vac out.  Fun.

I did make the cat presents.  Home grown catnip in refillable fabric pouches.  Yay.

Made it

I do not think there is a public school teacher in this country who would not agree that this is the most desperately needed vacation.  Phew....

This vacation I vow to:

• work on making submissions to galleries and shows
• work on issue two of my zine
• work on my Etsy shop
• print in my darkroom
• not check my work e-mail more than once a day
• re-start my Hungarian lessons
• cement the plans for Paris for me and the hubby.

I just finished listening to this:

http://www.wqxr.org/#!/story/christmas-old-world/

It is a show of Medieval Christmas music.  I am so in love with this era.  One of the best exhibits I have seen in recent years was the Illuminated Manuscripts from Italy at the NGA.  There were some pieces that had a speaker nearby playing the piece in the sheet music.  Heaven!  And especially wonderful because there is very little out there on the work from Italy.  I didn't know of the great tradition of illumination from that area of Europe.  I only knew of those from further north or west.  

There is so much out there from the early 20th century and the medieval era that I could listen to Christmas music all vacation and not listen to the same thing twice.  But I have to find all those gems first.

Well, I had every intention of going to the Generations opening.  But when faced with rain, no one to go with, and a nagging exhaustion I went right home after work on Thursday.  I did see my work on the wall in a picture the gallery posted online.  That was nice.  Hopefully they will have a closing reception again and I will attend that.  Being tired all the time stinks.

It is now getting very cold.  I forgot to go pick the remaining lettuce in the garden, so I hope it will make it through the snow.  I will be bringing the big bear out of hibernation soon.  It was a cold ride to work.

Oh, and hubby rented the DVD of "Brick City" from the library.  It is a multi-part documentary on Newark in the summer of 2008.  We are on part three.  I have so many opinions of what we are seeing, but I will hold off from blabbing about that until the series is done....

DUMBO

Today, I dropped off a photo in the DUMBO section of Brooklyn.  It is going in the biannual show "Generations" at A.I.R. Gallery.  I like this show because it is for a good cause, varying form year to year.  The neighbourhood is pretty neat too.  It is under the Manhattan and Brooklyn bridges.  There are some cool warehouse buildings, some graffiti, a park, a great bookshop, and Rice, a nice restaurant.

Thankfully, the weather was nice.  So.... I decided to go to Bluestocking in the Lower East Side afterwards.  Good thing I did.  When we got off the F train at 2nd Avenue there was a vintage subway train across the platform!  So, naturally all us way too cool people whip out our cameras and devices and start taking pictures like silly tourists.  It was just so darn cool!  The cars were beautiful inside and out!  This is something the MTA is doing for the holidays on Sundays only.

I might not be a huge fan of NYC, but things like this, I do like and it softened my heart a bit.

Question

So Thanksgiving dinner did not include the usual teacher bashing relatives.  My mother finally came to her senses on that one.  My sister taught up until giving birth in 2010.  So, she had to ask that question:

"What is all the new stuff you have to do?"

She wanted to hear it from a teacher, not an administrator like her husband.  So I told her.  Everything.  Afterwards, she said that a therapist she knows had said that she has a number of teachers as patients and most of them are in tears a lot.  This helped my sister understand why.  And no, she will never go back to teaching.

On the bright side, I managed to get the whole house decorated in two days.  The tree will go up tomorrow.  I do not have hubby help me other than bringing boxes up and down.  He tends to break things.  I have also relaxed a wee bit and have been reading like a beast.  I got through a couple of magazines in a couple of days - Yes!, The Nation, Against the Current - and am slogging my way through the book "A Socialist Tradition".  This one is a heavy duty history book written by a man who is not a Socialist.  It is really just so packed with information I need to take it one chapter at a time.

Tomorrow I drop off a photo to a gallery in Brooklyn. The trip is so laborious, I just wish I could teleport myself there.

Portrait Shoots and Homework

So the Photo I classes continued their in school studio portrait shoots today.  I was having so much fun just walking around the rooms watching them doing their stuff.  I also took some pictures to show the kids in process at the art show.  Too many people - kids and teachers - have no idea that we have a darkroom and that the students put an amazing amount of effort in to their work.

But...

Foundations students are to have e-mailed me a head shot by tomorrow morning before school.  As of right now, that grand total of images is two.  Hubby said I was checking my e-mail too early.  This was after our 6.00 pm dinner.  What the heck ever happened to doing homework as soon as you got home to then have the rest of the evening for fun and reading?  Am I too corny and old?

Vinyl!

Yesterday we went to the annual WFMU record fair.  I was super excited since last year's fair was cancelled due to Sandy issues.  This year, they made it later in November.  I was all set with my shopping bag and cash.  I managed to get a slew of nice CD's and a couple of pieces of vinyl.  I also bought a few cool band pins.  The vendors were actually really nice this year.  The Brit selling the pins was super nice.  The vendor I bought a super 7 inch from was so cool to talk to.   There was only one smelly person (male record collectors tend to spend more time with their records than on hygiene) and no one was outright rude.  All in all, a pleasant experience.

Afterwards, we went to a political bookstore that has been having financial troubles.  We bought some fine reading and snickered with the shop lady about the prior customer.  He was talking about not wanting to be bitten by a dead person.  He works in a hospital.  We were baffled.  I guess the zombie apocalypse might actually be coming.

Operation Flea Control continues at Casa Vasa.  Hubby takes no part in this, of course - unless you count his fretting over my "hurting" her.  Me hurting her?  I am the one that bleeds after a combing session.  Sigh.  On the bright side, Millie seems to have very few fleas and I have not been bitten by a flea in a week and two days.

I so wanted to go in the garden and pull up some of the dead tomato plants, check on the beets & fennel and cut the calendula flowers.  However, today's high was 29 degrees.  Needless to say, I spent the day reading...  At least we are getting winter weather before Thanksgiving.  It always seems somewhat wrong if it is warm at this time of year.  I don't like eating tofurkey and mashed potatoes in warm weather.

Generations I can't remember what number...

I am excited to have a photo going into the bi-annual show at the A.I.R. Gallery in Brooklyn.  I love this show because the proceeds from the sale of work helps out a select charity each exhibition year.  It is also made up completely of women artists.  At the show four years ago, my sculptural work was hanging a couple of feet from a work by Yoko Ono.  Not bad, I guess....

This is a huge deal for me because I haven't had a lot of time for my art lately.  Hubby and I have been doing political work in our town - volunteering for candidates and such.  And I have been doing a ton of reading up on education issues.  That takes up a lot.  I joined a couple online groups that enable me to know what is going on in other states.  Whoa...  I know where I would never want to teach, that's for sure.

Today I had a former student come to visit for portfolio advice.  Which leads me to a problem I have had with photo for quite some time.  The student have deep, introspective thoughts (for the most part) but have trouble translating that to the images they shoot.  I was quite disappointed with the visual results of Photo II's Analysis of Beauty project.  They were so blah.  And I told them that.  So I went in a totally different direction for the Analysis of Ugly introduction today.  I had them read something I received in my weekly educator's study guide from The Nation.  It was an article on farm workers and was published in 1981.  It covered the poisons in the pesticides and the issue of child labor.  Then we looked at images from Jacob Riis' How the Other Half Lives from the late 1800's and Lewis Hines' work form the early 20th century.  One girl said this was like a history class.  Hooray!!!  That's what I was getting at.  I wanted them to know the history behind these harrowing images of child labor, inner city ghettos, brutalized farm workers, etc..  I thought that if they thought about the potential ugly side of the things they find beautiful, that would be one creative step overcome.  Then we talked about how other factors can take the beauty out of things.  I ended with the fact that child labor still exists, nature is still being ruined, and left them to ponder....

They had to read a lot, they did not like it, and I am proud of the job I did.  Let's see how tomorrow goes...

More Stress

Who needs a calendar to know when it is a full moon when I have the kind of commute I have?  As if work isn't completely stressful enough.

I have two former students coming in this week after school.  They want to meet because of stress regarding their majors.  They are coming on separate days.  I have to figure out how to calm them down.  They are going through college crises.  My attitude is, the traditional "you'll definitely get a job out of college" majors aren't getting jobs anyway, so major in something you love and hopefully that passion and enthusiasm will help you get meaningful work.  Also, the transition from high school to college is very hard for some.  I have to smooth that out...

Budget due this week.  For next year.  We just started the second marking period.  At least I make fewer mistakes as the years pass.  It was hard when I never knew how many classes I would have.  Now I know there will be eight.  Phew.  But we still run out of something crucial - film or paper.  It's like trying to make up your Christmas list for when you are 17 when you are not yet 5.  How the heck can we plan that far in advance?  But this is how all the schools do it.  And not many other subject teachers understand other than P.E., music and Home Ec..  I saw a P.E. teacher with the same bleary eyed look and knew.... budget stress.

And this weekend was Operation Flea Control at home.  Millie still has fleas.  Since the end of August.  I have been bitten more times than I can count.  Hubby, no bites.  I have tasty blood.  So we have been washing everything, cleaning (and we are already clean freaks), spreading the powder, you name it.  Due to the fact that this is a result of my babysitting my parents' cats, they owe me big time.  This year, when I tell them I want no Christmas gifts, just donations to my favourite charities, they will have to listen.  Heck, I am the only one who takes care of their persnickety cats.  I think I have an edge here.

Election

Election on Tuesday.


Very stressed.....



My art is falling by the wayside.  I have missed some submission deadlines.  My hair is going grey.

Another one...

Yesterday's faculty meeting involved watching a reenactment of a school shooting.  This was part of our ongoing training regarding how to react as a teacher if our school is in this situation.  The main goal:  keep the students safe and calm.

Meanwhile, at some time after 7.00 am PST there was another school shooting.  At a middle school in Nevada.  The dead?  The shooter and a teacher.




I am getting closer to leaving this profession each day...

Plans

So I made plans to go to Philadelphia in a few weeks.  I will go to the teacher's convention for one day, then on to Philly.  Super excited to go back to Wooden Shoe.  I haven't been there in years.  I certainly do not need more reading material, but there is just too much good stuff out there to read.  I have finished the first issue of my zine and need to get up the nerve to see if they will take a few copies.  To sell or offer for free?  I don't know.

I also have to make the plans for Paris.  I waited until hubby asked for the new week off.  Then time to brush up on the French.  One good sign:  I was yelling to Millie from the basement that it wasn't noon yet (her feeding time) and almost said it in French.  Have no clue where that came from, but I hope it keeps coming.

I have been completely exhausted - like every other teacher in this country, it seems.  My free time is spent reading, combing fleas off Millie and trying not to fall asleep.  However, there are a few art shows I want to get into, so I need to get on the stick.  There's just too much going on right now for me to carve out a sliver of time for my art.  Not good....

Students blogs

SO this Friday was the first day of responses to my Photography II Visual Journal.  I had a few type their responses.  The ones I have read so far have been really surprising in their depth of thought.  I have just looked at the Tumblr blogs that others have started.  Ooooh, they are great!  I am glad I let the students use that host site.  They have such a level of comfort with the site.  They have posted images that flesh out their ideas in ways that I have wanted to see since I started this assignment a few years ago.  I am so proud of them.

I needed that kind of surprise.  Teaching and the issues this profession entails have been defeating me lately.  While I love what I do and the moments in the classroom are still the best part of this, the outside forces are wearing me down.  And it has absolutely nothing to do with the school I teach in.  It comes from higher than that.  I am tired like I have never been before.  I slept ten hours last Friday night.  I normally get by on six.  This is not good.  Thank goodness the kids keep me going.  I am working hard with groups outside of the school to stop the harmful changes and implement worthy ones.  People say I need to slow down.  That's all fine and dandy, but there are too few of us fighting for what is best for the students and school communities.  If we stop or slow down, we will lose.  More importantly, the kids will lose.

Fixing things...

So now that this website has been unblocked, I can now post more regularly.  When I am home, I get distracted while on the computer:  politics, educational issues, art stuff, and cat pictures.

It is October 4th and I am already sick.  I wish I could have taken two days off, but I don't like the mess we inevitably come back to.  No matter how good or bad the sub is, the students never want to do the work.  But right now I feel like it is a battle keeping the boogers up and off the work...

So many things are changing with education so I know I will be speaking about that a lot.... I just need to try to breathe right now.

Sharing

Really excited about sharing my plants.  A co-worker came over today to get some.  I will be giving some to my sister and gave some to my parents too.  I have stuff that spreads and I hate to thin them out and just toss them into the compost.

I also found out that my asthma medication probably gave me a bone problem - osteopenia.  It is a pre-cursor to osteoporosis and usually doesn't come about until after menopause.  I am nowhere near menopause.  I use an inhaler that has a steroid.  I rarely use it at this point, but I don't ever plan on using it again.  I grow mullein in my yard (yeah, that tall grey-green fuzzy leaf thing you see on the roadside) and would rather use something that doesn't hurt me and costs nothing.  I pick the flowers and either put them fresh in my water or dry them and use them later in the year.  Screw the drugs that made me get this condition...

Oh, and it is REALLY hot here and Millie, hubby and I are getting by with one wall unit air conditioner and the rest of the house with fans (ceiling and floor).  Hell yeah!

Summer update

So let's see...

I went to Italy with a bunch of students.  Had a grand time.  Swam in the Mediterranean, had some gelato, introduced a couple of them to real espresso and cappuccino....

I built a railing for the basement steps.  And it doesn't wobble!

I fixed a crappy patch job on the baseboard trim in our living room.

I have been gardening like hell.  Being away from home in the beginning of summer when things are in full force means a great deal of clean up and catch up.  I am finally getting it under control.  But the damn mosquitoes slow me down.  I tried lavender, mint, natural repellent products and even resorted to lethal Woods Off!.  Nothing works.  They love my blood.  I might resort to eating garlic cloves on a daily basis.

Graduation

So the senior graduation was last night.  I am always sad to see individuals go.  However, this year I am overwhelmingly sad to see a large amount of them go.  There are a greater number of students I will miss dearly.  I tried to have an impact on all of my kids - not always successful, I fear - and I want them to remember their time with me in a positive way.  But I also want to know how they will continue to do after PV.  And I know I will only ever hear from a few.  There are some I really grew fond of, protective of, or admired a lot.  I have never felt this sense of loss in my 15 years of teaching and it is weird.  I went to bed very sad last night.

I guess the closest thing to this is when a parent/parents have a child move away.  I will never have kids and my students are my kids.  There are those who I know will do well, and I want to know all their happy stories.  Then there are those who shared way too much or those who put up a wall and shared nothing and I will worry about them.

There are many teachers whom kids want to keep in touch with; they meet for coffee, talk about their lives.  I hope that if any of my students from this year want that from me, they know that I would be more than happy to.  I believe that a good teacher never stops caring about his/her students, even long after graduation.

Gosh, having feelings like this is so weird for such a sarcastic, non-touchy feely person.

At least I have those past students who like to keep in touch, visit, talk online, and sometimes even meet for coffee.

Sniffle....

Budapest observations

Some cool things:

• The cigarettes they smoke must be quite mild.  I am allergic to many American ciggys and hate having the smoke blown in my direction.  Tears, itchy eyes, etc..  But we could walk directly in the path of a smoker and no problems!  More natural tobacco with few additives is my guess.
• With the weather so horrible, hubby started talking in a fake East European accent about the "brutal" weather.  It was funny to me, at least.
• Seeing a man in line to buy tickets at the train station kiosk with a bird of prey on his arm.  No one looked twice.  Except these two dopes.
• Having the clerk at the Mai Mano House of Photography book store think I was Hungarian because of how well I spoke my greeting.  Score!
• Meeting a really cool guy at the Printa store/gallery/cafe.  This place was amazing.  He was nice to talk to.  They had so many cool screen printed items.  Just a hub of creativity and nice people.  Breaks all stereotypes Americans have of the former Soviet satellites....
• Chestnut dessert.  Thin like angel hair noodles.  Texture of marzipan.  Heaven.
• Wonderful prices on coffee and super strong.
• Cafe Montmartre with a death metal/Megadeth obsession. Don't ask.  It was weird.
• The architecture.
• The appreciation for art and music.

I cannot convey how much I love this place.  I feel like I belong.  Yes, there are crazy bad things - like every place - but the only other place I feel so at home is DC.  Sigh....

Budapest... again

One week back from Budapest and I wish I was back.  Mr. Vasa does not.  Europe was getting unnaturally cold weather and it even flurried on Tuesday, the 2nd.  It was so dismal and cold, he thought if he had to stay another week, he'd be driven to take up smoking.  Everyone there smokes.   But funny, the cigarettes do not smell anywhere near as strong as here.  Hmmmm....

More stories to come.

Packed

I am just about all packed for the trip back to Budapest.  I know hubby really doesn't want to check baggage - it is truly a pain in the *ss waiting for the bags to be unloaded from the plane in Newark - but I want to buy gifts for myself and family, so I will defy him!  I decided to use one of Grandma Berry's suitcases.  It is smaller, lighter, and still on wheels.  That also gives a part of her a chance to get back to Hungary, where her parents were born.

I rolled 10 rolls of film - HP5, 24 shots each- and packed a bunch of 120 film, including two rolls of colour!.  I am bringing three cameras - Holga 120, La Sardinia for the 35mm,  and the T1i.  I that's it.  I have brought more on other trips, but trying to travel camera light.  Bringing a couple of small sketch books too.  I love to take notes when I travel and have been thinking of having this be the subject of my zine when I take the workshop at TCNJ in May.

I have continued to practice the Hungarian, but Hubby and Millie do not know how to answer me back.  No idea why....

Sziasztok!

Independence

There are lots of things changing in education in NJ and the country.  Some - hell, many - teachers are considering leaving the profession.  I believe much of the legislation and change is designed to push the best ones out, leaving the field with the naive, easily duped ones.  Those will be the ones most likely to take low pay, very long hours, poor curriculum, and no interest in the well-being of their students.

I think about quitting on a regular basis.  It is never due to the happenings in the classroom.  It is always a result of some other terrible thing tossed our way.  But like a stubborn little woman, I keep on plugging away.

One of the independent presses I buy books from has a book coming out on the young set.  It's supposed to be about empowerment in this era of uncertainty.  I know I will buy it.  But the dilemma is whether I buy it for myself, or to put it in the classroom.  I have so many students who cannot make decisions for themselves.  Oh sure, they decide to drink like crazy or smoke or do other drugs.  Very adult of them of course.  But when it comes to a decision regarding a project, their future desires, or even what to get for lunch (love lunch duty), they cannot make a decision.  I have students who freak out with every new assignment.  If they have not been told exactly what to do, they panic or sit there stumped.  And that is not to make fun of them.  It just troubles me.  Have the parents/guardians caused this lack of independence by coddling their charges?  If there is ever something negative in their lives, mommy or daddy call the school and harangue those responsible.  Or are those non-educators responsible for education legislation to blame?  Who cares about independent thought when all that matters is filling in the right bubble on the standardized test.

So I will keep trying to make my students independent thinkers.  I will not put answers in their mouths.  Because that is not synonymous with teaching.

Szia!

So the problem with studying a language when no one you know speaks it is that when you try to use it, you get "I'm going to be using English the whole time we are there."  That's what hubby keeps saying to me.  Duh.  I am just practicing.

I think I will do better talking to Millie in Hungarian.

"Mrs. Vasa, why don't you have kids?"

"Because I have Millie and Mr. Vasa.  That's two kids right there."

Won!

I bid on a bundle of 620 film spools on e-bay and totally forgot to check the status near the end last night.  If you don't e-bay, you need to know that the bids can all of a sudden shoot up in the last seconds.  But....  I won!  Hell yeah!  That's great because a student threw out one of mine last year and I want to also have some here for the students to use on our donated Brownie.  


Phew...


I have also begun submitting work for shows again.  I was kind of half-*ssing it last year.  Not very motivated by being so involved in union and political stuff.  But now I keep waking up with ideas for projects - film and sculptural - and have stuff I am now proud to try to exhibit.  So bring on the rejection letters!

When I am in Hungary over Easter, I want to see the gallery I had two prints in.  They have artist-in-residence programs too.  I wish I knew enough Hungarian to do that.... dare to dream.

Shoot

So as Millie was crawling all over me in the wee hours of the morning, I had a brainstorm for a new project.

I have been trying to think of a way to use all the things I dig up in my yard.  Some of them were just not feasible - gluing broken things back together - or just cheesy - making sculptures with the remnants attached.  But this idea is a good one.  I brought some stuff down from the attic and set it up in my work room, looked at the light coming in from the windows and decided it was too harsh.  I keep checking it, and will wait until it suits me.  I am also thinking that the light from the overhead fixture might give me what I am looking for Amazing what four little paws running all over you will do for the thought process.

I am also reading a great deal to prep for the trip back to Budapest.  I have been practicing the language semi-diligently.  I certainly can't read anything in Hungarian, like I was able to in French, but I am making progress and that makes me happy.  A great deal of what I read tell me that a great deal of my quirks are very Hungarian in nature.  If only dad understood that he is really mostly Hungarian and not all that other stuff, then we could have truly gotten to the root of things.

Snow

The snow keeps coming but it is not at the right time of day or not enough snow falling.  We all need a day off so desperately.  This isn't like any other job where each person can get away from everyone frequently.  At the NBA, if someone was getting on my nerves, I just grabbed a pile of slides and went to the back of the library and filed and organized.  At the magazine, I could just take a walk to another part of the office or leave the building and go walking the streets of the city to cool off.  It's not that way in school.  If the kids are getting on each other's nerves, where do they go?  They are faced with seeing each other each and every day in a season where the weather is not conducive to getting out and finding a release. (Heck, due to the dearth of good touring bands, my release is gone too!)  We are all cooped up inside with each other with nowhere to go.

So what is the release?  A punch, a nasty comment.  And I can't really blame them.  I'd feel the same too.  We need a break and we need it soon.  This dinky little one day off tomorrow is not enough.  Tempers are flaring, people are agitated.  It's just tough....  I want a damn snowstorm and I want it at the right time of week and day.

So I rushed to Morristown to get more documents to scan for this volunteer job I am doing.  I have had a bit of anxiety over being the only one scanning drawers full of resources.  But I met the new gal they pay to do scanning and I feel so much better.  She seems quite capable.  But golly, the driving stunk.  South Street was worse than all of 287, and if you know 287 at 4.00 pm on a weekday, you know what I mean.

I have come to realize that the end of my teaching career may come sooner rather than later.  I have seen so much change - loss of respect, loss of benefits, barely any increase in pay, more time, less reward.  I love the kids and watching them grow and learn, but the peripheral stuff takes a toll.  I want to find a place where respect still exists, but I fear that is out of my reach.  I try so hard to model behaviour for the students but I am up against an awful lot.  The selfish attitudes increase each and every year.  There is little concern for each other or the faculty.  It has become very thankless.  I have been teaching for 15 years and thought I would retire from this.  I just don't think I can take it all the way to retirement.  Many of the great teachers have dropped out of the field.   Not that I am conceited and believe I am great.  I just feel like less of a failure knowing I am not the only one.

This makes me very sad because of how strongly I feel about what I do.  At least Millie is happy with me, purring on my lap.  I need to do a little more for myself... but first, Millie's dinner, practicing Hungarian, yoga class, and then PBS.  I know, exciting life....

Aggression

So I need to get this off my mind.  What is the big draw for kids to watch fights?  I talked about this with the hubby recently.  He does not know either.  We both agree on one thing:  the location of the fights has changed since we were in school.  Sure, there were s few fights in the school building, during the school day. But more often than not, they took place off school grounds.  If you wanted to avoid seeing one, it was easy.  And trust me, many of us wanted to avoid seeing one.  I know that in my crowd, we were either at work or at home doing homework, or holed up in our bedrooms listening to music.  Hubby's crowd were doing about the same.

Nowadays, I am aware of quite a change.  I can't think it is just geographical.  Sure, I grew up in Morris County (which I see as a kinder, gentler locale) but hubby grew up in aggressive, unfriendly Bergen County (his opinion, so don't harp on me).  I can't tell you the disappointment I felt when I saw some of my students excited to head towards the spot there was scheduled to be a fight.  Or when students I see as polite and mild-mannered are drooling for all the dirty details of a fight they missed.

Perhaps it is partially because some of my friends were the ones in constant fear of being beat up.  Perhaps it is that I value learning more than fighting.  But it is largely due to the fact that my educational philosophy and thoughts on the role of the school runs counter to that of those who like to start and/or view fights.

So here it goes... My educational philosophy...

My philosophy is informed by my politics.  I cannot discuss my politics here, but I will discuss why I run my classroom the way I do.

When I taught middle and elementary, I never presented the "Classroom Rules" to my students.  We crafted them together.  They had a stake in what happened or did not happen and respected the guidelines more.

At the high school level, I must abide by the school's handbook rules, and I do.  I also know that my students must do that.  However, I believe in allowing my students a certain level of autonomy.  I cannot be the totalitarian teacher who dictates what the students can and cannot do.  Students have free will and, as such, will do as they want, whether it is in front of you or behind your back.  I do, however, believe that creating an environment based on mutual respect and trust helps to foster a greater desire to learn what I have to offer.  People are more willing to listen to you if you listen to them.  Dictating when they can speak, go to the bathroom, get up for a tissue, or ask you a question just comes across to me as more of a power play.  The students are not my minions, they are younger individuals who may or may not know how much they can still learn.  And I do my best to create an environment where they want to and are able to learn and grow.

I respect the fact that we all have bad days in which we may not be open to work as hard, listen as intently, or be up for anything.  However, I put in more effort when I am more "up" and know that most of my students will do the same.  We do not like each other equally, but I give all of them an equal amount of respect and time and hope they notice my example.

I guess that's why it hurts and angers me when those disappointments come - seeing the students fight, watching them rush to the scene, hearing them lament the fact that they missed it.  Those times remind me I am one of a very small minority doing this the way I do.  I might appear to be too lax in some teachers' eyes.  But those are the one who just could never get why I do things as I do.  They are the ones who make fun of the way I live.  I don't care if my colleagues don't get it.  I just wish my students did.

Rotten day.  Snowing when I awoke at 5am and a rough ride home.  Luckily I was able to get to my house.  Hubby couldn't make it up the hill and had to take a circuitous route.  Perhaps I need to worry more about my own safety on days like this and stay home.  Of course, I will never do that until I get in a crash on the way to or from work.

A very negative day, to say the least.  Rather than take my anger out on people, I use music to feel better.  I listened to something sufficient in the car on the way home.  Then I finally sat down and watched my video of  "The Day the Country Died", a British music documentary.  Made me feel so much better.  

Lots on my mind regarding why today stunk like poop, but I need to relax and will jot those thoughts down tomorrow...  British mysteries on NJTV coming up in 30 minutes.

Helping the dead

I took a gravestone preservation workshop with Drew University in October.  I loved it so much.  I was devastated by the "Historic Preservation" events of May - another long story to be told some other time - and have sought ways to get back into it.  I have been scanning documents for a Morris County organization, but that wasn't enough.  I realized I have always been fascinated cemeteries.  I blame two events - my third grade teacher brought our class on a field trip to the cemetery across the street from St. Brendan's; Phyllis and Perrina brought my sister and I to that same cemetery when they were baby-sitting us.  Mom was not happy with either event and P&P never babysat us again.  I thinks I was affected in a much more positive way.  I always liked visiting the cemeteries on vacations and Pere Lachaise was the ultimate sleeping ground to visit.

So I fell in love with gravestone restoration.  I had the chance to clean a sandstone marker in a very old, forgotten burial ground around a church ruin in Long Valley.  Tomorrow night I get to go to a talk on preservation and history at the Denville Library.  I have also been researching preservation programs for another Master's degree.  I feel like I have to have a back up plan in case the teaching situation becomes more and more unpleasant.  I love being with the students and keeping in touch with all the wonderful kids I have met and keep in touch with but the climate is changing and I don't know how much longer I can keep up with this....

Time to go printing in the darkroom...

Not much...

... I felt like putting down here for awhile.  Another mass shooting - this one in an elementary school - and the fact that there are shootings seemingly all the time make for a Vasa who does not want to speak or write much.  Of course, I can perform at work, but that's because I love being in the classroom so much, all bad thoughts rush out the moment the bell rings.  That said, the day teachers are invited to carry guns in NJ is the day I leave the profession.  I have been involved in a few discussions with people who do not agree and I have been struck silent.  Strange, for such an opinionated person to be silenced.  But I feel that there are more and more people who want to let me know their opinions without a care about what mine are.

I will say this, the students who bring it up are unanimous in their opinions that they do not want guns in school.  They will not feel more protected, but more vulnerable.  But, heck, what do they know?

When things like this and the horrible legislating of schools get me down, I shop for real estate.  No, not like a billionaire.  I shop for something that fits with the income of a public school teacher married to a social worker.  I look for handyman specials in Hungary.  And gosh, I dream of being there, fixing up the place, having an actual scullery, tons of gardens, riding my bike into town with Millie in the basket.

But the closest I am getting to that dream is going back to Budapest in April.  I am trying, yet again, to gain some rudimentary grasp of the language.  This time, I vow to practice each day.  My pronunciation is ok - I did well ordering dessert last year!  I just need to plug up holes in my memory and remember what the words are and what they mean!  Ugh.... I also want to see if I can go to some of the offices there to try to find out the whereabouts or fate of some of my relatives.  That, I know, will be the biggest challenge.

I also need to get back to more art submissions.  I have been printing quite a bit lately.  I have brought a few boxes of my paper to work and putter around in the darkroom before anyone comes in.  Just me, my music and my negatives.