Done...

Went out with Dave's longtime friend and his other last night. Both teach. First time seeing them since the first week in April. One topic resonated with me - sacrifices. Last week I did a lot of thinking and I found out last night I am not the only one.

I realized I have to reevaluate how I approach teaching. I spend so much of myself on my job and I took a look at what I have gained - and it doesn't seem to be much. I am discouraged. I have very little energy once I get home and what I do have left is spent on more work at home. I try to make the classes interesting and meaningful, not the same thing each year. I spend countless extra hours there - no overtime - and countless hours working at home doing research. The grades I give are not arbitrary but carefully considered. I was given a dead program that could not fill one period and in two years turned it in to a program that could fill 10 periods. I spend a lot of effort preparing and entering student work in shows, and in many cases finding new shows and using my time to deliver that work. I make sure I say yes when a colleague asks for a favor. I push ALL the art classes to keep our department strong. I encourage the students to go see exhibits and research what is going on to see. I make them enter their work into contests and submit to publications. I try to get them to be reflective. I have helped some create portfolios for college interviews. I have written countless recommendation letters. I worked hard to bring three students to California this year. I bust my butt to put out the literary magazine in a rush. I agonize and lose sleep over the yearbook. And I do not know why.

I look at the other jobs I have had - teaching and not - and I have never spent so much of myself on a job. I have lost touch with so many of my friends. I rarely go out because I am too tired during the school year. When the summer comes I feel like I have to cram 10 months of living into 2. I raced through three and a half years of school to get my master's - first in the dept - and all I get is "that took a long time" from some dopey teacher. In those three years I lost all three of my grandparents. Out of 8 cousins, I was the only one helping clean the houses and settle things, in my grandma's case, going to her house every week to clean up decades of her life. My dad is diagnosed with cancer last fall and has two surgeries. Yet, I don't skip a beat with my students and make sure I get everything done for work just so.

I try to keep making my own art and I get some in shows. I recently had a book published. My students have received awards for their photos and have been published. I remember the thing I respected most in my high school art teacher was that she was a working exhibiting artist. I do not know why, but at PV that does not seem to matter. I feel I have no value there anymore. Administration and colleagues are oblivious to what I do. There are a couple of colleagues and some students who appreciate my work and respect me, but I realized last week it is at a minimum. I know I should be happy to be employed, but it is demeaning and distressing. I need to seriously reevaluate what I have been making these sacrifices for. I have already lost htree relative and almost lost another. Why do this if it is not appreciated?

I have never worked in a job where my work ethic did not get me respect. It confuses me and I do not know what to do. I can tell myself to not work so hard, but I just know that when September comes, I will do the same things. I have gotten a couple of heartfelt thank you's from students recently, and it means so much. Everytime one of those students come in the room and say hi to me, I feel good. But for every one of those, there are countless other students and faculty who can't wait to belittle me, criticize me and make me realize I don't matter. Should I coach a sport? Should I be trying to be a student's best buddy instead of mentor? Should I kiss butt? I don't know. But what I am doing is not working. I just want the summer to come...