And so I begin another day coughing up phlegm.  At least it is solid enough to stay together to cough up.  I stayed home one day last week and I really needed another day but calling out for two days in teaching is just not feasible. I have only done it once or twice in nearly 20 years of teaching.

So some kids have come by to visit.  I like that.  But it has its drawbacks.  When I do not get out on time, I hit traffic.  I used to be able to stay until 4.30 pm with no issues.  I loved it.  The darkroom was a hive of activity.  Then a couple of years ago, kids stopped coming.  More kids have jobs that demand they get there by 3.00 pm.  That coincided with horrible construction on Route 80 in Morris County.  Leaving work late meant nearly doubling my commute time.  That has translated to completed construction with the traffic issues remaining.  I do not understand it because there is an additional lane, but maybe lots of people leave work earlier nowadays.  So now I come in by 6.05 am and the kids come in early or during their lunches. If anyone ever has an issue with my waiting by the clock out machine for a minute or two for the clock to strike 3.05, I would gently suggest they look at the time I arrive each and every day.

So in one of the visits, the person commented about how this place is "getting worse."  Yes, there are things I do not like about this place, but there is pattern here.  Every single year, the recent graduates claim the place immediately got worse after they graduated.  Well, that's not possible.  There are bumps at the beginning of every school year.  Over the past several years, we have had to deal with incoming freshmen who are not prepared for high school 0 regardless of having freshmen orientation days - and massive behavioural issues.  This is due to deficiencies in the sending districts.  No matter how much we try articulation in those towns, they will not change based on our requests or recommendations.  The mindset there will only change with hiring out-of-district.  Once we get a handle on straightening those issues out  - the growing pains of freshmen - the year goes well.  It takes a month or two.

Where does this "this place is getting worse" idea come from?  A few places.  One, we have some leadership from a nearby city.  This regional district is racially biased against that city.  Anything from there is bad in the residents' eyes.  It does not matter that when their people came here from Italy, Poland, Ireland, etc., they settled in that city first.  They then migrated here in the 1960s when the great migration North happened.  African-Americans descended from slaves moved up North to get jobs in growing industry and to escape Jim Crow laws.  White flight followed.  This is a district that is historically racist.  Those of us who have worked and lived elsewhere know what our colleagues mean when they say "This place is turning into P-------."  No it is not. Work in an inner city for once and you will know how wrong you are.  I happen to know how little work was done in this building in the 1970s and 1980s.  Drunk and high students wandering the halls all day.  Hanging out the windows.  Shall I introduce you to some of the 80s era graduates I know?  They were all white.  This is not related to race, of course.  (snark intended)

Another reason for the denigrating comments is the fact that there are changes happening.  Are all of the changes good?  No, I don't think so.  But then I am a special and teaching in a country that does not value the arts.  The focus is only ever on reading and mathematics.  And so improvement initiatives will only ever focus on them.  It is not just our school.  It is country-wide.  However, if my colleagues read anything related to education, they would know this.  Pay attention to the writing of your students.  Most of it is pathetic.  I should not be getting written work from a senior with spelling and grammatical errors that are of a middle school level.  I cringe at much of what I read, but I correct it and continue to assign reading and writing work.   In the art department, we need to teach our students how to use a ruler.  We also need to teach how to do simple calculations and measurements.  In high school.   This stems from problems at the elementary and middle school level.  I have taught in elementary and middle schools.  I might know what I am talking about.  My students at those levels did not have to be taught this stuff in art.  They came to my class knowing how to use a ruler.

As the prior interim superintendent told me in a very candid conversation, there is a lot wrong here and it goes deep.  He knew he could not even begin to change it in his brief tenure.  Many of us are trying to make this a better place.  We make our classes challenging.  We do not do the work for the kids.  We refuse to dumb it down.  We refuse to let the kids take shortcuts to get a semblance of success.  We make sure all students are welcome here, not just the Caucasian kids who are third generation residents or the athlete superstars.  Listen to us when we talk about why your complaints are misguided.  Listen to us when we talk about what we see is really wrong here.  We might know from experience.  If you keep focusing on the wrong issues, this place will not improve.  It will implode. Some of the best people are leaving or trying to get out.  You will be stuck with the colleagues who do not teach, who have relationships with students, who spend their 45 minute periods doing nothing but coaching work.  And those talented artists, musicians, thespians, and brainiacs will choose to go to another school.  You will not like what you will be stuck with.  But then again, maybe you will.  Maybe that is what you really want.  For the sake of my students, I hope not.

It is the third week in and things are moving fairly well.  The kids seem to be a great bunch. Maybe not as special as last year, but great.  I had one students run into the room saying he loves the class.  In addition, there are already a few students who have their own cameras.  That takes the burden off us like you can't imagine.  While the donation of cameras last year was helpful like you wouldn't believe, you still can't beat having your own camera and shooting at your leisure.

I like to switch things and vary things from year to year.  I might not introduce a project the same way or with the same examples.  So this year I am making a concerted effort to show much more artwork.  For the Point of View assignments, I am showing brief slideshow videos of work by Kertesz and Erwitt.  One of my kids from period 4 last year was in one of the Photo I periods and asked why I didn't show this last year.  I guess he liked what he was seeing.  I just can't do things the same exact way every single year.

I guess I could just coast like some teachers do, but I would be bored out of my skull.   I also liked the way the class flowed with me talking, then a video, then more instruction.  It broke things up nicely to keep things interesting.  However, there is one thing that in disrupting the flow like you wouldn't believe - period attendance.  I have a specific flow.  This having to take period attendance within the period is bunk.  It creates a lull that becomes hard to combat.  Yes, I could take it later within the period, but the way a studio class works, there really is very little downtime, if any at all, and the chances of forgetting or being too busy within the period are too great.  I don't like it.  I wish we could mark it between the periods.  It would not be so bad if the website did not log us out so quickly, but we have to log in to the computer each period, log in to the website, and so on.   Tedious and disruptive.  I need to reconfigure the flow of the period because I doubt this will go away.

The bright side?  The summer weather finally came - in autumn - and I can go in the pool after work each day to relax.

At my age it's pretty hard to meet and make friends with someone who has not done drugs. So I have friends who have/currently use(d) drugs, but only recreationally.  None of my current friends are addicts or regular users.  I don't do it, I have never done it, and I don't see myself ever doing it, even if certain ones were made legal.  I have my reasons.   I wish I could find other people who have never done drugs but the only one I knew died in an accident this summer.

Skippy was someone who found ways to get his thrills.  None of them involved something that could put his legal status in trouble.  He was the wildest, most free-living person I ever knew.  He lived life on the edge in ways that the drug users I have known dreamed of living.  I can't live like Skip because I have a calendar dictated career.  If I ever leave teaching, I aim to live like Skip.

He also treated everyone the same regardless of whether they lived clean like him or not.  I wish I could say the same for the drug users I have known.  After over 40 years of living, here are some observations and the attendant frustrations:

• The heroin users I have known did so due to some trauma earlier in life.  One used because he was sexually abused when a boy.  They never told me I was missing out or tried to get me to use. They saw it as a horrible thing they were stuck in. 
• The people I have known who used acid or other such stuff barely ever talked about it with me.  I didn't do it and they did and that was it.  We didn't socialize together at the types of places where they would be tripping and I was not.  I was, however, the one to call if someone was having a bad trip.  I was the one to lean on.  I was not a loser for not doing what they did.
• The people I knew/know who smoke weed are the ones who have treated me the worst.  They tell me I don't know what I am missing.  I am a loser.  I am closed minded.  I am a prude.  I am not fun.  I have been dumped by friends for not doing what they do.  Those who smoke weekly or daily have treated me like I am disposable.  I have been used for rides and favours.  I have been treated as if I was indispensable and loved until I was no longer useful.   I have found them to be flakey.  They might stress how much they want to be with you and hang out but when it comes right down to it, I don't see them unless they need something from me.  I have found the regular smokers in my life to be selfish and ignorant of the needs of those they claim to call friends.  

I have been told to be open minded.  I have been called too picky when it comes to befriending people, pushing away people who are not like me.  So I told myself to welcome everyone into my life.  However, this has led to disappointment.  I started to notice a pattern.  The people hubby tried to maintain friendships with flaked off.  The people I tried being friends with used me.  One thing in common - daily or weekly smokers.  I guess if I smoked, I have them as friends for life.  But I don't think friendship should be based on drug use.  I guess I am just curious about why all those in my life who smoke so regularly are so self-centered.  

Unlike users of other drugs, the smokers never cared why I don't use drugs.  Even if they let me explain, I would get "Not even once?  You are missing out."  Or "You will when it's legal."  Then they work on convincing me of what I should do.  I am not working on convincing them not to do something, so as a fellow adult they should stop trying to tell me what to do.

Here's the thing, my home life was such that I feared being caught doing something bad in ways that most kids did not have to deal with.  As a female, I realized what could happen when you lose control.  I never wanted to be in a situation where I was not in control.  There were enough things about my life I could not control.  Why put myself in a situation where I did not have control?  I also started to notice some differences in who used drugs, who got caught by police, and who got into trouble with the law for that use.  In the end, it looked like a fairly racist system to me.  And the data backs me up.  The use of drugs is nearly evenly split between white people and minorities.  When you look at who is in prison for non-violent drug offences (possession and/or use) the data skews frighteningly heavily towards minorities.  I saw this growing up in high school.  Why in the world would I want to take part in such a racist system?  

None of this has any bearing on my opinions of the medical or ecological uses of marijuana or hemp. As a person who has been dealing with depression since fourth grade, I understand that there could be benefits to my health.  An ex-boyfriend's mother had advanced MS.  She would have been in much better health if she could have medical marijuana according to evidence.  However medical applications are different.  Using hemp for cloth, paper, and such is different.  There are many different forms of the plant. There are many different ways to use it.

As I find more and more people are smoking regularly nowadays, I guess I have to get used to flakiness or being a loner.  Life just keeps running in circles.

First week done and here is the run-down:

• I was made fun of by a guidance counselor for looking for a veggie burger at the first day barbecue.  He kept making comments about going for the meat and being just generally obnoxious.
• Those standing behind him laughed along.  Repeatedly.
• No one sat with me at the table after I got my food.  One nice secretary asked me to join her at their table. I did, ate quickly, and ran back to my room.
• One co-worker ignored me as I tried to nod and say hello.  She proceeded to stare at me and give me dirty looks during our union meeting the next day.  I know this gal does not like me, but at least we usually fake it.
• Quite a few people looked right through me when I tried greeting them in the hall.  I guess that's what you get for running for union president.
• Some kids did come by to see me and say "Hi" before their days to report to school.  That was nice.  However, considering this summer's experience, I know I will never see them after they graduate.  Well, better enjoy the love while it lasts.

I just feel incredibly used and disposable.  The kids this year seem really nice, like last year, but I no longer have any illusions.  I will give them all I have, care about them, worry about their well-being.  They might even thank me.  Then when they say they want to keep in touch, I will never hear from them and I no longer expect to or even hope to.  I think "keeping in touch" means only contacting me when I might be able to help them out with camera advice, free prints for a show, or a donation to help with a catastrophe.

Union-wise, I don't care anymore.  I will continue to work on labor and education issues with my political group outside of work, but I cannot be bothered to work for better things for greedy, nasty, social climbers.  I have no debt.  I have no children.  I can get screwed in this next contract and not be financially hurt.  The rest of my colleagues cannot say the same.  I worked so damn hard for them over the past several years only to be shit on repeatedly.  I do not have enough years in the pension system to retire - I need to work several more years - but I am not sure how much longer I can take this.  

When my political group's chair referred to one member as the lead on a project when I had taken the project over, he actually apologized to me the next day.  I was so shocked.  The people in this group are thankful, considerate of each other's time and well-being.  No one wants anyone else to be overwhelmed or over worked.  We take and give.  

My students and colleagues just take.  I am running out of anything to give.