So when is a personal day not a personal day?  When you make plans to spend the day doing things for yourself and you have to cancel those plans because you must attend a scheduled-at-the-last-minute meeting.

I have spent a great deal of time taking care of and helping others - particularly in the past year or so.  I am getting tired.  Very tired.  You might think that my bitching last week about the Teacher's Appreciation Week slight was whining.  Well, if I can get no appreciation from family and friends for whom I do so much, I look forward to maybe getting a little appreciation and thanks on the job.  It hasn't come for the past three years.  I do not want anymore tchotchkes or gifts.  I want someone to thank me and then have their actions show they mean it.  The students are about the only ones who do that.  Even when they are cruel, I know they do not mean it personally.  However, when an adult is cruel, takes advantage of my generosity, is thankless....  Well, I do take that personally.  An adult should know better.  And at work, I feel taken advantage of.  Most of us do.  A meeting regarding the budget woes was a fabulous way to commemorate our week.  Never mind that these cuts have been in place since at least the beginning of March.  No, let's have the meeting in May.  Timing is everything.

I have a countdown for the end of the year.  A few kids have asked if I will miss this year's graduates.  I will.  I always miss the kids who graduate.  I will not miss this year.  Not one bit.   I cannot wait until I am on a plane to Amsterdam.  I cannot wait until I can take care of making myself happy.  I can't wait until I no longer have to be the chauffeur, entertainer, therapist, mother, nurse, proofreader, mediator, supply purchaser, poop cleaner (don't ask).   I want time to do things for myself without having to worry about anyone else.  I want time to do my art, garden, swim, explore, listen to music, read, and maybe spend time with friends for whom friendship is truly a two way street.

Outside, all is great.  Nice, shiny, clean.  But look in and there is an empty hole.  A void.  Kind of like a bagel.

Did I just relate my workplace to a bagel?  You bet I did.  I get here at the ass crack of dawn.  Many times I am unlocking the main office and turning the lights on.  I used to have feel my way to my room in the dungeon because the lights were not yet on in my hall.  So, when my student teacher walks in to the room at 7.50 announcing there were bagels and butter and cream cheese all over the counter in the main office, I thought two things:  "Damn, I might miss free food due to my early arrival" and "Oh, they actually are acknowledging Teacher Appreciation Day."  I was slightly ashamed for the rage I have been in while expecting the "holiday" to be ignored.  I also had to make sure I got my ass up there before proctoring the PARCC to get the free food.

Well, no need for me to be ashamed.  The secretaries announced that no, they were not for our day.  It was an admin's birthday and he brought the goods in to celebrate.  Huh....

I'm no genius - a lifetime of mistakes will attest to that.  However, what does it take to make one simple gesture?  One sign.  "Happy Birthday to me and Happy Teacher's Appreciation Day to all of you"?  Duh.  Is it really so hard for people to step outside of themselves and think of others?  And just in case you think I expect taxpayer money go to anything admins do for teachers this week, I do not.  They make plenty of money.  With perks, waaaaay more than you can imagine.  They can cough up some dough to boost morale (where the is none, cough cough) or keep morale high (for those of you lucky enough to work in a school that cares about you).  We teachers spend enough of our own money on our kids over the course of a year. Suck it up...

Yet another thing to add to the list of why I want to move to a deserted village in Hungary with my dear Millie.  I might be a downer, but the human race keeps letting me down, time and time again....

Feel the love

Day One:
Empty mailboxes.  No acknowledgement during the morning announcements or day-closing announcements.  I sarcastically wish a "Happy Teacher's Appreciation Week" to some colleagues in the building throughout the day.  The response?  "Oh, is that this week?"  Welcome to Happy Land.

Oh wait, we did get an e-mail from administration.  Another faculty meeting.  Next week.  Regarding state Biology testing.  It is the same damn meeting we have to sit through every year and despite what we are told, no if you do not teach it, you do not have to hear it more than once.  My schedule is not disrupted in any way.  I know the drill.  I don't need to hear the procedures year after year.  I would prefer to be in my room, printing digital projects for the art show.  I could be cutting mattes for the pics.  I could be making labels.  But no, I will be sitting in a dirty tan auditorium chair for 45 minutes trying not to fall asleep.

At least I do not feel I am behind the 8 ball with the art show.  I have been cutting mattes and taping pics in all year.  (Hello carpal tunnel)  I have a box filled with work.  I am at the point now where I am just printing digital work - no more analog for the year - and matting as they come.  Now on to the labels.  I typed and printed the names - yeah, everyone gets at least one piece in if they are in my class.  I have a few kids who refuse to do the current project - apparently digitally animating a still photo is too much to ask in May - so they will be cutting names and gluing into labels.  At least they get the rubber cement experience.  Because that is the only thing bringing a smile to our faces this week....

What will we get today?  My first gift at 6.00am was a pink slip for a one of the regulars in period one.  Yes sir, I will send her out of my class again so she misses work to meet with you, again over the same issues, again.  Day after day after day.... But by all means, connect my evals to student performance.

Forget June 19.  Graduation is too far.  I live for 3.05 each and every day.

Appreciation

Happy Teacher Appreciation Week, or as we have it here in Happy Land, Happy Non-Appreciation Week.  What will we get this week?  I can hardly contain my excitement.  This is my student teacher's last week, and it will certainly be a nice lesson for him.  If he does indeed go into teaching, he will appreciate whatever job he gets based on comparisons to this one.

Gift number one:  A Saturday e-mail letting us know that we will have a faculty meeting regarding the budget on Thursday.  Way to boost morale.  The order to cut budgets 30-50% comes in the beginning of March.  And explanation comes in May.  Brilliant.

Gift number two: empty mailboxes, real and virtual.  We are not - contrary to popular belief - Greedy Guses.  We don't want or need more tchotchkes.  Just a kind e-mail or letter.  Let us know we are holding this place together damn well considering the turmoil this year.

And lest we forget, or you do not know, let me list it for you:

• admin retirement early in the year; no clean break over the summer; do not give me the "smooth transition" bs when there was no new hire in place.
• death; a dearly beloved admin passed away suddenly
• power vacuum
• interim admin actions continuously reopen the wounds resulting from that sudden death
• dubious decisions
• zero input from those in the trenches is solicited or welcome
• avoidance; we are being treated like children due to the tension and low morale; admin meetings to discuss the problem do nothing when you won"t come to us to know why morale is low; if you do not want to hear it from those hurting, do you truly care?
• unfunded mandates handled incredibly poorly; my four year old niece could have handled some of the testing issues better than the one in charge of that; a teacher should not have to send you an e-mail (which you subsequently ignore) or raise her hand in a faculty meeting to get the schedule of testing
• confirmation that if you do your job poorly, you will be rewarded with promotion/advancement; if you do your job well you will be rewarded with schedule disruptions and other such punishments to help clean up the mess your incompetent colleagues left.

The wonderful thing is that we have no one to talk to about this.  We talked ourselves to death about this here at work.  We can't discuss it with each other anymore.  Discuss with hubby?  We both work for the state.  We are both suffering.  Why burden him?  Try talking to it with friends?  They all - and I mean ALL - have something "just like it" they are dealing/dealt with in their jobs.  No offense, but no.  Not likely.  Tough sh*t you have an 80 hour work week.  Tough sh*t you worked for a private company that had a mean boss and challenges.  None of you are in a field that is this selfless, this emotionally and physically taxing, this emotionally abusive, this time consuming (yeah, courtesy of e-mail, it is nearly 24/7), this demeaning due to being vilified in the press and public each and every day, while being robbed of your own money by our dear gov, this depressing.   We teachers are alone.  We might work in a building with 100 colleagues, but we are suffering alone.  We witnessed what happens when you over burden a dear friend with too much.  We will not do this to each other.  So we grumble, make jokes to each other in passing, but we are suffering in silence. 

And the kids?  That is part of our suffering.  The teacher who is is not an empath is rare.  The kids are suffering at the hands of corporations and politicians using them a guinea pigs.  We do what we can to keep their spirits up, but it doesn't work.  They are drained of the excitement for the classes that they looked forward to.  I am constantly worried about the well being of my kids.  They are stressed, sad, tired....  So I come to work with a spring in my step (faking it 'til I make it).  I fill my room with music.  My door is open from 6.15 am to all kids, even those I do not know.  I smile and greet every kid I pass, whether I know them or not.  I say I don't check e-mail after 7.00 but I do, because I feel awful when I do miss that 10.15pm (or 4.23am) e-mail.  I worry when kids I know are having a hard time do not show up.  Library closed for testing?  They all know my room is open.  Lined up for morning detention?  I'll come out and chat to make you a little less bitter.  You aren't wearing your ID?  I'm not going to pull the power trip and yell at you. I will say please and thank you.

And I am NOT the only one.  Most of us are doing something for the kids every day.  We don't want what the other schools are getting - massage therapist in the teacher's lounge; catered lunches; thank you breakfasts.  We just want a truly sincere thank you.  We want an acknowledgement that we are doing a fabulous job of holding this place together in this horrible year.  Yes, we are holding this place together.  The rank and file always do.  

But we are suffering, and many of us are suffering alone.  And if you are the friend or relative of a teacher, here's a hot tip:  When she/he needs to vent, do not tell that teacher that it happens in every job, it is like that everywhere, your job is worse/more stressful/more time consuming, blah blah blah..  I have worked in the private sector prior to teaching.  Trust me when I say, if you have not taught, you do not know....  Listen to us, try to make us feel better, be vocal advocates for us, correct those who denigrate us and our field, vote for people who support us.  Do not tell me you have it just as hard.  If you do not believe me, I invite you to spend a week in my classroom.  Hell, come in for just a day.  I dare you to try to make it through my period 8.  Just once.