I ran out of time this year.  I used my second personal day today and am losing one.  I did end up with lots of nagging colds and fevers this year so I did use a great number of sick days - the most ever in my life - seven.  Ugh.  I missed my kids greatly and I think I should not have taken those days.  It's too late now.

So what do I do on a day off?  I did a continuation of a project I started a couple of months ago.  Self-portraits reflecting my state of mind.  After that, I did yard work.  Ideally, this being June, after getting coated in a lush layer of moist grass clippings, I would have jumped in the pool to clean off.  I could not do such a thing in less than 70 degree weather.  So I sat on the ladder and washed my legs off while my toes went numb.  Then I uploaded the shots, edited lightly - more to do later on - and then worked on submissions.  I found one free zine to submit to and there are a couple of low cost shows to submit to as well.  I have had a dry spell the past year.  That's what happens when you have no time to do things for yourself, like art and shows.  But I am working with a comrade on an art show/fundraiser for my political group.  We are looking at October with a call for the art going out over the summer.  Maybe I can be in that one.  We might have a DJ or have people playing music too.  Then I napped with Fritz, watched some murder on DVD, and headed over to my mother and father's to make good on my Mother's Day gift - taking care of weeding over there.  Then ended the night with a union rep council meeting at the Brownstone.

Anything to avoid the near crippling depression.  So that is something I deal with and I think I wrote about it previously.  The way it manifests with me is I am angry and nasty to and with people and I brood and get sad alone and at home.  I guess that doesn't matter for those who do not work with others, but not for me, a teacher.  I have been nasty to some kids who have been indifferent or difficult.  Rather than dig more for what was going on with them, I shut down and reacted.  I have plenty of kids who do not work the last few weeks.  But at least they are honest with me and I know what they are doing.  They are still super polite and funny in class and I sense no negativity from them.  They are just done and they are teenagers.  And I get that.  I do not do well when I get kids who shut down and are not communicative or we do not communicate with each other well.  This time, I shut down as well.  And I have screwed up some teacher-student relationships this year.  I might be getting played, but with my depression, this is a toxic brew and it came to a head this week.  So I put in for today when I saw my mood getting worse and I am glad I did.  I am trying to repair what is left of these relationships.

You know, if mental illness was something we could talk about freely, I could address it and not have this stuff happen.  It's not like physical illnesses.  "Hi, I'm your teacher, I have such and such disease and I might be out a lot or tired or in pain a lot.  Please be understanding of this throughout the year."  I can't quite address my depression.  I can just imagine the rumours going around after that.  And my school is not one that is very understanding of mental illness, as proven when I needed a doctor's note to get out of teaching the yearbook.  I had a colleague call me crazy.  Um, clearly you have no understanding of depression and no compassion.  I hope I can repair this year, but I hold little hope of that.