Today is the last day of summer.  I end it with two black cats as residents.  I began it with a very sick Millie, who died on the second day of our vacation together.

I have taken a look at my schedule and rosters.  It all looks good.  There are some major changes in the building this year and there was a great amount of grumbling going on last year when the rumblings of changes started.  Me?  Well, when you've worked in so many districts under so many people, you just go with the flow.  I don't have to change how I teach my kids and the politics behind my teaching.  Those will not be affected.  A lot of what will be implemented is stuff I already do.

To be honest, I don't want to hear the rumours, bitching, and all the other things that came with associating with many of my co-workers.  The beauty of it is that I don't have to anymore.  The focus of a teacher should be the school, the community, and most of all, and the students.  My period 1 is Photo II.  That means I might have lots of the kids in early to work.  Hooray!  Time spent focusing on them will be time well spent and time away from negative influences.

I have so many things I do outside of work, things that cannot be neglected.  I was reminded of how nice it is volunteering when I was cleaning up the town's Civil War memorial.  A few people thanked me for the work as they walked by.  I also have three organizations I volunteer with and this Fall will require a great deal of work.  So there will be a slight change of focus.  And then there is the getting the new kids acclimated to living with hubby and me.  None of this extra work involves money in my coffers, and that has never been my point.  It feels good doing it, helping fix things that need fixing, and being appreciated.  It's not too much to ask.

We went to two car shows in one weekend.  Friday night, we went down the hill for the weekly classic car show.  It was a grand time.  I cruise on by the Corvettes and almost anything mid-60s and on.  I like the older ones.  The crowd was decent, but I did see one person touching a car.  I think I had a look of horror on my face.  I can't swear to it, but it is highly possible since that is a reflexive reaction in those situations.  

The next car show was a BBQ in Paterson at the car parts place hubby gets stuff for his daily driver VW.  This was going to be super cool because the scrap yard was open.   We were like kids in a candy store.  Holy whoa.  But that wasn't the best part.  The best part was rolling up and having some guys yell our last name when they saw us.  Two of hubby's bike riding friends from over 20 years ago.  I was so excited to see them and didn't even know if they would even remember me.  The older guys aren't able to keep riding the BMX bikes like skaters because it is a lot harder on the body so hubby doesn't see any of them very regularly.  But they love seeing each other and they did remember me.  It made my day.  We looked at the cars - and there were so many Mark II GTIs there.  We stood around, looking, nodding, and such.

It reminded me of some things.  I need to stick to the people I fit in with.  I should not compromise my tastes or principles for the sake of seeming picky or elitist - though how a corny little art making, freak music loving girl could be elitist is beyond me.  I remembered that these are the people who never made us feel like losers for living our lives differently.  Don't drink heavily?  Never did drugs?  Don't like contemporary entertainment?  Who cares?  It's all good with them.  They do things differently too.

I thought about this all night.  Basically, when I found myself on someone's deck, surrounded by people drinking beverages made from frozen drink mixes, swaying to Jimmy Buffett, I should have quit. I should have just gotten the hell out of there and away from that kind of environment.  I didn't.  I do not like to gossip.  I don't like crap music.  I don't like to gab about inane movies/TV/sport.  Yet, in an effort to make my work life bearable - and yes, mother's nagging about me being too closed minded was there too - I joined in.  And I am so sorry I did.  I am so sorry for even giving one second to those who spread lies about innocent co-workers.  I am so sorry for not being more firm and just leaving when I tried to defend people being gossiped about and they refused to listen. I have lost a great deal of time and compromised my principles.  I guess in the back of my mind, I always knew that I would be the next one, but you are never prepared for that.  

I have always been happiest and most comfortable with my students (at work) and people that are slightly abnormal (socially).  I always tell students to be themselves.  Yes, sometimes you have to hide real parts of you, but don't let your behaviour be a lie.  I have to make sure I do things different at work this year, when it comes to the social stuff.   Trying to be social took me away from students and from self-care, even though I spent every lunch and prep with those fabulous students.  Teachers have an incredible rate of burnout and exhaustion and the politics and back stabbing just get in the way of keeping one's sanity and doing the best job possible.  How can I tell a student to take care of him/herself when I am not doing the same?  

Here's the other thing.  I was so affected by what was being done last year that it took me away from Millie.  And then I lost her on the second day of the summer vacation.  Not letting this year be the same.  

I went camping for the first time last weekend.  We went to Pennsylvania where hubby used to go for an annual mountain biking weekend.  I had a blast.  I did so well on more advanced (for me, at least) trails, it was hot as hell, and we swam in the lake to cool off after the rides or hikes.

There was one thing ...

Confederate flags.  The first ones were a couple of houses in a row on the way to a mine.  Some stickers on cars.  The same stuff I see at home or anywhere a bit away from the NYC metro area.  Then we went to the lake for a swim.  I saw a man with his family.  He was wearing confederate flag swim trunks.  The right leg was blue with the word "rebel" in white.  The left leg was the confederate flag.  OK.  That's not appealing.  Then they family goes in the water.  And there are not just white people in the water.  There are mixed couples and their children.  There are black and brown people all over the place.  Confeddy daddy sticks with his family.  Then we see it.  A black teenager with three younger, slightly lighter skinned kids are in the water about fifty feet from Confeddy daddy.  And they are doing what everyone else is doing - swimming, relaxing, having fun.  Then it happens.  The teenager and the three boys start meandering closer.... closer.... closer to Confeddy daddy.  And hubby and I watch.  We see the man's body language change.  He can't look.  He is clearly uncomfortable.  Then he seems agitated as the four youngsters are closer.  Mind you, they were doing nothing wrong or intrusive at all.  Just moving around like so many others.  But they were not white.  And that clearly bothered Confeddy daddy.  It begins to look a heck of a lot like the teenager knew exactly what he was doing.  And hubby and I loved it all.  We were silently cheering the young man on.  Eventually, Confeddy daddy moves halfway across the swimming area to - you guessed it - an area with all white people.  

I kept thinking about this all day.  Pennsylvania is north of the Mason-Dixon line.  As is the state I live in.  So why do I see so many confederate flags?  After a summer of doing a lot of reading and dealing with some political volunteering, here's what I think.  I believe that if the swastika was not so forbidden, we would be seeing an awful lot of that along with the confederate flags.  This is because I think the use of the flag is not due to some Southern pride.  When you have little to no roots down south, that excuse does not wash with me.  I see so much hatred and racism from the flag bearers. Basically, the flag can be cloaked in the "pride" excuse, when it really symbolizes hatred.  When you scratch the surface of beliefs of the flag bearers, you find out there are problematic beliefs that go hand-in-hand with all of the racist history and associations of that flag.  There is no way in hell anyone could get away with displaying a swastika or any other symbol used by the Nazis.  However, that flag is an easy way to say the same thing.  

So why bother with this thinking and analyzing?  I do not allow myself to be friends with racists or homophobes.  But I cannot help the fact that I do get some as students.  And considering the type of climate we have during this election year, I anticipate having to deal with the display of this flag.  I have read a couple of articles with advice and arguments dealing with how schools can address it.  That does not mean it will make it any easier.  You see, there is that little freedom of speech argument that gets brought up when someone is told the display of the flag is not appropriate or allowed.  Yet, that symbol of oppression is not seen as a something that stifles the freedoms of a whole race of people.  My classroom is a place of freedom and I never allow hate speech.  I address it the moment it pops up.  How do I deal with symbols of hate that people claim are about nothing but pride?  I anticipate a long couple of months this fall.

So after Millie passed away, two people offered us cats who needed homes.  We were not ready at all.  I am not sure I am 100% ready yet, but....

A favourite student who just graduated let me know she needs to find a home for her cat because she is not able to take her cat with her.  Hubby agreed we'd look into it.  Then I saw a picture of her.  Damn damn damn.  She is a long haired baby.  I am allergic to cats and asthmatic, but I do ok with short hair cats because I have an air purifier in the house and medicate myself with asthma fighting herbs.  However, I can't live with a long haired cat.  I looked at a long haired cat when we were going to adopt Millie.  I touched the cat, then touched my face, and massive itching.  So I had to let her know I couldn't take her fur baby.  And I have been feeling non-stop guilt since then.  I feel like I let one of my best students down.  I have to find a way to get over this, but it sucks.

We also went to two shelters.  First was Mount Pleasant in East Hanover.  We liked a lot of the cats.  We think some of them liked us.  But one thing nagged at me.  All of them were only there for a few months.  I was surprised.  Hubby noticed the same thing.  When we adopted Millie, there were cats who had been there for years, not months.  Then the student's cat came up and we agreed to consider that.  Once that became a "no" we went to Pequannock.  We found out that they have a lot of black cats because people are skittish about black cats.  Where are all the goths?  There are also many adults.  Almost all of the adults there have been there at least a year.

I always knew kittens were adopted easily.  That's why we liked that Millie was an adult, came from a home that rejected her, and she picked us.  We know we want to give a home to someone(s) who will otherwise not get a home.  The woman at the shelter had a sad story about almost all of them.  I just cannot believe why people give up a pet.  I am also so adamant about adopting and not buying from a breeder.  My mother says they sussed us out as soon as we walked in.  I don't care.  I love my students, regardless of back story.  I love fur babies, regardless of back story.  So I got the call yesterday that our application was approved.

We decided that we need to adopt with time to acclimate the newcomer to the house.  The best way to do that is before I go back to work.  We look to get two to keep them company due to the fact that they have lived nearly their whole lives in the shelter and will not have an easy time in a lonely home alone.  We also decided to make it two black ones.  I knew I made the right choice when I told the shelter lady who we were thinking of and her eyes teared up.  I also need to make sure I have someone to come home to after the workday.  First, I work with some of the nastiest beings I have ever encountered in my work life.  Having Millie was a life saver.  Second, it keeps me from overworking myself by having someone to play with, relax with, and take care of.  Third, we can donate all the money and food we want to shelters but that doesn't take care of the main problem.  Cats need homes.  We have a home.  It makes sense.  I also have a sense that Millie is OK with this.  She knew what we needed and gave it to us.  She knows we still need her but she can't be here so someone has to help out.  She'd hiss the buggers out of the house if we adopted while she was alive, but I know she understands.

Yesterday was one month since Millie's death.  I am still hibernating, but I have to force myself out of town soon....

We had purchased tickets to see a band in NYC so I left town last Tuesday.  I drove us to park in Jersey City.  The last time I had made that trip was the Friday night of a student photo show in June at the Soho Photo Gallery in Tribeca.  It was a wonderful night and a wonderful show.  The last great night for me for some time.  I was stuck in so much traffic.  We rushed to get the show set up.  But all went so nicely.  There were students who came with friends, family, and boyfriends.  Those with friends or family who lived in the city had those people come and they were happy to be there.  I even had a very nice time talking to the parents I had had some trouble with earlier in the year (my fault and I still feel so horrible about it).  We even had people come in off the street.  Someone was heard to say in astonishment "This is a high school show?"  At the end of the night, we made plans to do it again next school year and thought of ways to make it better.  As I walked back to the WTC PATH train with my bag of photos and my camera at the ready, I had a spring in my step.  It was a beautiful night, the city streets were buzzing with life, cafes and restaurants were full, and it was how I remembered it used to be walking in the city before it became a rich person's shopping mall.  I even found myself liking the new PATH station - I tend to hate modern architecture.  I went and danced the rest of the night away at my regular place.  It was my last night of happiness and it was good.

One thing nagged at me.  It was a question asked by a student at the show.  "Where is the administration?"  He asked this a couple of times.  I shrugged and said I didn't know.  But it bothered me.  Not because I wanted anyone to come for me but because it means something to the students and parents to see that the higher ups see the importance of an out of district art show.  As far as I know, this is the first time there has been a gallery show of only PV student art.  Everyone who needed to know, knew about the show.  None of them came.  And no, it was not a rough trip if you went in for the show.  I encountered traffic because I had to go in at rush hour to set up.  Those who came just for the show had no trouble whatsoever.  I have only had an admin come to one of the shows out of district in the past several years.  And that show involved other teachers.  Photo stuff?  Nah.  I have taught in this district for many years.  I have come to accept this.  However, this is the first time a student asked that question.  And that is what troubles me so much.

There were so many things wrong with this past school year.  So many disappointments and hard times.  My students were my saviours at work, Millie my saviour at home.  Someone made what I think was an attempt at an apology on the last day of work.  I will take what I can get, no matter how feeble.  My feelings have never mattered at this place.  However, the feelings of the students do matter.  And though I always do my best to make the students in and out of my classroom feel that they matter, I must do so even more this year.  They are nearly the only ones who treat me with respect and know how to selflessly apologize if they hurt me.  They also need to know that they deserve respect.  That student felt disrespected and insignificant by the lack of administrative presence and I need to make up for that.

A Self-Imposed Exile

So on June 21, my beloved Millie passed away.  We are devastated.  We have no children.  She was our everything.

My school year was not to end on the same not it began.  Co-workers I once thought were friends and had since relegated to acquaintance status proved to be deceitful, cruel individuals.  I realized I had been used for several years and all the help, advice, and/or solace I gave over the years meant nothing in their quest to make it to the top.  So be it.  At least I had my wonderful students at work and Millie when I got home.

In May, Millie was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism.  At her check up in June, she showed progress in putting on weight.  She was still the same old frisky, fun, sass girl we have loved for 10 and a half years.  That was the Saturday before the last week of school.  This is a time of year that is hard for me because I have to say goodbye to my students who are graduating, the kids I have seen progress as artists and young adults.  It is always followed by a time of longing comforted by Millie's presence and the beginning of a relaxing summer vacation.

On Tuesday night, Millie woke us with a furious mouse chase - one parent and one child.  Hubby caught the parent and released him/her down the hill.  Millie came up to bed with us, purring like a champ.  The next morning she didn't eat.  Not uncommon after a chase like that.  She might have even caught the baby and eaten it.  We went out to dinner for our 20th anniversary that night.  She still wasn't eating.

Thursday, with all the stress of getting my grades in and the sadness of the last day with my kids, we ended up bringing Millie to the ER that night.  She was running a very high fever.  The source?  Possibly and infection of unknown origin.  We were baffled.  She does not go out.  We have few to no visitors.  No shoes are worn in the house.  We have no other pets.  The only place she went was the vet.  At first, I got the feeling the ER vet thought the infection was due to some carelessness on our part.  As she heard more, she showed a change in demeanor and seemed concerned about the mysterious source of the infection.  Her x-rays showed the regular slightly rounded or enlarged heart and a healthy colon full of poop.  Just this damn infection and fever..  Which could be very damaging.  We brought her home with a prescription for antibiotics.  In addition to this, at our union dinner earlier that evening, I find out that there has been petty drama and lying regarding my LAT position and actions.  While no one knows what is going on at home, is the end of the year dinner really the time to bring this up when it has apparently been going on behind my back for weeks?  Apparently my colleagues think so.

Friday, Millie was weaker and still not eating.  I had to go to work, knowing I had to get her to the doctor before I had to get back to work for graduation.  The union bullshit continued that day and I found out that a whole hell of a lot went on without my knowledge.  I realized that yet another individual I counted on had deceived me.  On top of all this, it is quickly dawning on me that Millie might not make it.  I took her to the vet and he is confounded by the source of the infection.  I am given special food, a feeding syringe, and instructions on hand feeding her along with an additional antibiotic.  The vet tech tells me her cat had something similar and was fine after seven days on the antibiotic.  At this point Millie is hiding and not playful at all.  Leave there with some home that this will right itself in a week.   I make it to graduation, watch my darlings graduate, knowing we will never see each other again.  Millie is still not eating and even worse.

The weekend is spent in a struggle to feed her.  I know something isn't right, but follow all instructions.  All we do is hang out with her.  I skip going to a friend's birthday celebration at the club and sleep with Millie all night on the sofa, hugging her.  By Monday morning, she starts to show some spark.  Even my mother sees this.  It was not to be.  After returning from a doctor's appointment, while preparing dinner, Millie starts to breathe funny, with her mouth open,  Her skin and gums start to look a little yellow, liver signs.  Her temperature was dropping and her paws were cold.  I call the ER.  They tell me to bring her right away.  I drive her there with my hand on her carrier pleading with her not to die.  They took her right away.  She was put on a breathing machine, her temp kept dropping.  She was possibly going into organ failure.  We left here there overnight but we did not sleep.  We knew she might not make it through the night.

At a little after 6.00 am, we got a call.  She was not doing too well and had nearly maxed out on the three types of medicine.  We went straight over.  We hugged her and kissed here.  Let her know how much we loved her.  They were taking such good care of our baby.  Hubby couldn't handle being in the room, so it was just me and Millie when she was put to sleep.  The tech who brought her in was near tears.  I think, in some way, Millie's special-ness was clear to those who encountered her, even in the ER.  I hugged, kissed, and soothed her as she went to sleep.

Her ashes and a last paw print are encased and on a sideboard in our dining room.  I spend my summer days gardening, reading, and watching the birds, chipmunks, and squirrels in the yard.  It is incredibly lonely, but we are working through it.  In one week I lost my beloved students and my baby Millie.  The people who have been the kindest are the former students, family, and my club friends.  I miss her a great deal.  This house is too big and too quiet.

Last night was another town meeting.  There were only five of us and it went so well.  We are re-habbing a blight of a building at the bottom of Main Street and it is going amazingly well.   We finished early so we talked for 45 minutes about a new local business.  We discussed ways for the owner to improve it.  We came up with a ton of ideas and have a very loose plan to move forward with.  I got home and called my mother to get my uncle involved in trying to give advice to this guy.  I was so pleased when I got home that it made up for the past few weeks.

If you have been reading, you know that the kids have been particularly challenging.  But that comes with the job, and it gets worse every year.  And it cannot be taken personally and is not professionally threatening.  However, I work in a very gossipy place and people seem to delight in bringing bad news to the subject of the bad news.  So the word is that I will not only lose the darkroom because they do not value the art of photogrpahy - I mean they think digital is the only future - but it is also part of a revenge plan by a person or persons in the building.  Why do adults like to bring bad news to people?

So there is this whole STEM/STEAM initiative in U.S. education (and in places like the U.K.).  I am all for it.  However, not to the detriment of other courses.  In the past 20 years, school districts got rid of all the practical and vocational programs to make way for computer labs.  They are regretting that now.  Our state department of education has changed their goal from college AND career ready students to college AND/OR career ready.  Education is realizing we need the trades and need to give our students opportunities to experiment and gain experience in them before deciding how to proceed after graduation.  The problem is, all the equipment was dumped or auctioned off.  And the equipment costs a great deal to replace.  The rooms were altered too.  Politicians have convinced the tax paying public that schools are drains on the tax payer and we must tighten our belts.  So with detrimental spending restrictions - or dumping all money into sports that do not benefit 100% of the population - we have no money to bring these programs back.

Shift now to room 026.  There has always been anger and resentment towards photography once it was brought into the Art Department in 2006.   Photography IS an art.  And with digital, it is also a technology.  It is one of two classes in the department that is, in its current state, both.  So why this push to get rid of the darkroom?  Well, some administrators think they will win bonus points with the board of ed if they can save them money by getting rid of the darkroom.  But here's the thing:  If you want me to run this solely as digital, the equipment you will have to invest in, the software, the materials, the printers, ink, and such will blow that darkroom budget out the water.  You will wish you never got rid of the darkroom.  If you really want this to be ther right kind of digital program, know that you will have to buy a plotter printer, all the inks, dozens of DSLRs, mountains of digital paper, I will need my own 3D printer, I will need a laser printer (if you want to really proceed technologically) and its needed materials, memory cards, various new lenses (because if you really want the best sports shots to be taken, I need better lenses) and filters, additional software (I will need Lightroom), much more studio equipment and lighting, and I could go on, but I think you get the picture.

Are you sure you want to do this?  Because if you don't want to make the necessary investment to make it a good digital-only program, and keep the kids interested in taking a class in which they truly learn (as they do now), then here is what you will end up with:  A half-assed program that benefits very few students, and you will need to find somewhere else to put 160 kids.  Talk to Guidance about that.  Talk to the kids.  Talk to the graduates.

I might also ask what your real intentions are if you are not also proposing getting rid of traditional drawing and sculpture classes.  Those arts can be replaced with mechanical drawing and a class that has a 3D printer and can make monsters and robots (like oh, say, robotics).  Dump the art and go all tech.  So what are the real intentions here?  Saving money?  Finding extra space?  Brownie points with those in charge?  Or a sound education for the students?  It's about time we start looking at the bigger picture in education.  Tunnel vision has not gotten us anywhere.