It is Suicide Prevention Week.  Apparently there is a table set up in the cafeteria.  We are apparently a Stigma Free School.  We have the suicide prevention bracelets.  We have the brochures on what Stigma Free means.

But what are we really doing here to address it?  I want a program for all of the teachers to attend regarding mental health - ours and that of our students.  I want teachers to treat students with respect.  Do not bark orders at them.  Say please and thank you.  Greet them at the door.  Understand where they are coming from and that they might be having a rough day.  Let them know if you are having a rough day.  Be human with them.

The climate in the building is so toxic and has been for years, prior to our current superintendent.  There is no point in blaming her.  She is not where the problem lies.  We have a number of people who are on a power trip and learned about power trips from our previous super.  I tell my students I respect them from the beginning and they need to respect each other and me.  The problem is, many of my colleagues do not respect the students or their colleagues.

So the bright spot of my day is the kids.  One of the kids in period 2 last year noted that I greet each student at the door.  He said he looked forward to it every day.  That takes a conscious effort on my part and I am glad he noticed.  I do not neglect my kids.  I worry about them when I get home and I am always there for them.

But the transition after they graduate is hard.  There are promises to keep in touch and they either don't bother, they stand me up, or they start and drift away.  Yet I know there are kids who keep in regular touch with other teachers.  I think I am too easily put aside because there is no threat that I will go away.  It is assumed I will always be there.

But I am thinking of going away.  And if anyone wants to keep me in their life, they will have to try a little harder.  It wears you down and it doesn't seem to be worth it anymore.  I know there are some people trying to change the climate here.  I try.  I just don't know if it will happen.

Signs that something is wrong:

• I am thinking of coming in later in the morning.  I mean, why bother being here if there is nothing to do and no one to be with?
• Sunday night anxiety doesn't exist.  Sunday night ambivalence does.  So what if I stay up really late reading?  I have nothing to wake up for.
• Someone told me that if I leave after 25 years but not at retirement age, it is not retirement, it is just leaving.  It is not the same as when cops leave after 25 years.  Hmmm....
• I hear the footsteps approaching, eagerly look towards the door to see who is coming in but the footsteps aren't for me.
• I am thinking of who can replace me.  Maybe my sister needs a job when I am ready to go.  

I love my students past and present so much and it kills me knowing how I feel.  There are multiple reasons, some of which are personal.  I have never worked in one place for this long.  I have had to move a lot out of necessity - temporary positions, part time vs. full time, etc.  Some of it is related to the place.  I just do not feel like we are valued here.  The fine and performing arts are the best thing going at this school.  We are constantly getting our kids' work out into the community and winning awards and no one cares - not the school, the administration, the staff, or the community.  I feel like they are dying to get my room for space for other programs.  I feel they are dying to get my budget for the latest flavor of the month program.  When STEM is not the fad, they will move on to something else, pour money and time into the next fad, and then move on again.  The arts are the constant in this building and we are neglected and not cared about.  It is all lip service and it makes me wonder just what is the point anymore.  I think there is a great benefit to the students but no one cares about what benefits the kids.  The rumour is that the guy coming up from Trenton to guide us through our transitions is eager to rid this place of the arts.  How is that supposed to make one feel that what they do is worthwhile?  How is it supposed to make one feel when kids are always telling you guidance counselors are shifting them from your classes to business, management, and criminal justice classes?

Many of us in the art department do not just come in to teach.  We come in to make connections with the kids we are with every day.  We hope those relationships help them grow as young adults.  We hope they will stay in our lives and we can continue friendships or mentorships as they grow.  I know that does not exists as prevalently in other departments.  You might get my room and my money but you will lose a whole hell of a lot more.

The year has started and it is not as exciting as in the past.  All last year teachers talked about the lack of respect and the declining behavior in the students.  It was even brought up in a recent meeting.  I looked at another teacher and we both had the same look on our faces:  "What are they talking about?"  Last year was my best year ever.  The students were so nice, polite, honest, and fun.  I had some fabulous work from the students.  There were struggles, but that is to be expected.  And the way this year has started off, I just know it will not be the same.

We had a presentation on our first day back.  It was about how to better engage our students.  As the woman went through the power point, I just kept nodding my head.  The recommendations were all things I know I do in the room.  I know that some of the few people here that I talk to do these things:  respect the students, assist them in not giving up, do not present information for them to memorize and regurgitate.  So many other points.  Yet I also know that there are teachers who cultivate a climate of hero worship here and they teach in the opposite manner.  If you are trying to engage the student in their learning, you are not cultivating a climate of dictator and dictated to.

I spoke to one teacher after his/her breakout session.  S/he had the men who are guilty of this in his/her session.  Apparently, they were told their methods are not engaging.  They might have been a wee bit indignant - shocker! - but will anything change?  Will the director of their department conference with them to let them know where they are wrong?  I doubt it.  This school will not improve if the problem teachers are permitted to kiss ass and get away with pedagogically unsound practices.

So I have a little battle I am set for this year.  Those teachers who cultivate hero worship are also the ones whose students are always doing the work in my room.  From now on, I will confiscate all work caught being done in my class and I will throw it out.  If it is a text book, I will take it and bring it to the main office.   I am tired of this.

We had a workshop based on the recent community forums.  People think this school is horrible.  I have no idea what they are talking about.  The kids are so wonderful.  Sure, the climate is toxic.  However, once I am in the room with my kids, all problems disappear.  I wish my colleagues saw how great the kids are instead of complaining about parking (get your ass here earlier) or the food in the teacher's cafeteria ( bring your own food).  There are a lot of misconceptions and the colleagues who complain about inane stuff are missing the point.  They are also causing the students to also see this place as horrible.  The students are not the problem here.  The rotten attitudes of a select group of teachers is the problem and administration needs to get it in check.  That might mean scolding some of their favourites, but so be it.

The end of my summer vacation is here.  This is what I say goodbye to:

• leisurely mornings listening to Phil Schapp on the radio going on about his encyclopedic knowledge of jazz
• Spooky sitting by the radio enjoying the music, even my aurally disruptive punk records
• gardening in the morning light
• swimming
• lounging in the pool trying the get the birds at the bird feeder to talk to me
• reading and doing art on the patio, with little breaks to watch the birds at the bird bath
• watching out for hummingbirds, butterflies, and hoping some rare visitors will make it here this summer.  I miss the hummingbird moth.
• late nights reading on the couch with Fritz
• that tingle I get when someone contacts me to hang out
• time to search for art shows to put my work in
• the freedom to do whatever I want with my hair
• afternoon rest time with Spooky and Fritz on the couch
• Wednesday trips to the beach
• fried squash flowers
• sitting on the dining room bench gazing out the window at all the stars

Things I will not miss:

• Spooky and Fritz harassing me to feed them an hour and a half before feeding time
• the crappy weather
• the feeling of dejection when I don't get invites to hang out - this happens more often than not
• so much time spent on political work

I have not had a year start off this way, with respect to my emotions.  Every time I look around the room I am reminded of people I miss.  I look at where they sat, their darkroom stations, where I would sit or stand while we talked about class stuff or life and I miss them so much.  I look at my new rosters and I feel apprehension and ambivalence. I know barely anyone.  I have not gone into a year knowing so few kids in a long time.  It makes me miss my regulars even more.  I feel a hole in my chest, much like when Millie died.  The only difference is I am not crying uncontrollably.  I got a message from one of them yesterday to meet up and talk about college and my heart skipped a beat.  These are people I really connected with and I don't want to lose them.  

I also fear for my feelings about this profession.  I still want to teach until I retire, but what is my place in this profession?  What is my place in this district?  I cannot kiss ass.  I just do not have the time to volunteer for every single kiss ass opportunity.  I put too much into what I do in the classroom, and before and after school.  If I kiss ass and join everything, I am not there for the kids.  So do I risk the ramifications of not volunteering for everything?  I do a club, many art shows, and I am on a state committee.  Yet I still fear what the guidance department can do to my class, whether directed from up top or because of a personal vendetta from within my department.  Do I stay here and suffer what they can do to me?  I see them doing things to push others out.  Will it happen to me?  It has not yet, but I worry.  I can't teach anywhere else - I cost too much.  And I love the connections I make with young people.  I am not looking forward to this year because of the answers to these questions that might pop up over the next ten months.

While out with mother, we got to talking about my 8 year old niece and her friend situation.  She starts school again next week.  There are two girls she is close to.  One was taunted by a group of mean girls last year.  Family is worried this can lead to my niece being taunted by proximity.  There is another girl the niece is close to who is more quiet, reserved, and has yet to be targeted. 

This all sounds like niece should stick to the quiet girl.  But there is a catch.  My niece also gets along great with the boys.  As a matter of fact, it might even be that she has more fun with the boys.  On the last day of her kindergarten year, I went to see the festivities.  She was hanging around with the boys and she was the only girl in the bunch.  And she looked so happy.  And they looked happy to have her in their crowd.

So what is the problem?  I told mother that my sister should encourage my niece to stick with whoever treats her best and makes her feel welcome.  If that is the boys, so be it.  Mother joked about a photo of me from 8th grade that the family titled "Melanie and the boys."  If anyone in the family understands how female friendships can hurt, I do.  I have always felt more myself, had more fun with, and had better conversations with my male friends.  So I have to make a concerted effort to convey this to my niece.  Hang with the boys if you want.  Be yourself.

But how to convey this to students?  Where I work, any relationship between a male and female is assumed to be sexual.  I do try to break this up by pairing people strategically for projects.  Has it worked?  Has anything I have done there to break the norms worked?  Nope.  There is no hope there but at least I can work on my niece.

I have a lunch date for coffee with a former student today.  The gals are the dependable ones this year.  Last year I was screwed over by a boy and a girl.  This time the boys are the flakes.  Go figure.  Needless to say, I am happy to be socializing.  I have been stood up a couple of times by makes (socializing, meetings, etc.)  and it is not fun to waste a trip.  I can't wait for good coffee, life updates, and the best cafe in Morris/Essex County.  Let's see how long this lasts.

I have a half a month left and I am already dying for my next chance to get the hell out.  I think about the coming months and my chest hurts.  I am not happy to return to a toxic work environment.  It is not just the administration but the colleagues as well.  I am going to take a comrade's example to follow this year:  Work for union stuff, just not in my building.  My colleagues are toxic and it has seeped into the union.  If the leadership takes another opportunity to throw a dig at the previous leadership, I am sending a request to grow up to our president.  I am in a room with kids all day.  I don't need to be subjected to infantile behaviour at meetings.

So hubby and I decided to return to Scotland for our next trip and I am already set on cementing those plans.  My heart hurts thinking about living here.  I love my corner of the state, my little freak town, my little plot of land, and my little house.  But every single time I go out in daylight, I resent the way things have gotten.  Drivers are so hostile.  Traveling anywhere has become a contact sport.  I hate it.  I just want people to be nice and courteous to each other.  I talked to a comrade about moving to Europe.  We agreed the political situations in European countries can be as bad or worse, but the quality of life is so much better.   And that is what I need:  Quality of life. 

I have been let down by so many people over the past couple of years, including this summer.  Stood up, plans that never happened, requests for help that are never reciprocated, shit-talked, you name it.  All emotional, but harmful nevertheless.  I have been thinking of removing myself from the situations.  Shall I refuse to respond to people when they request help?  Shall I no longer respond to requests for socializing from flaky students?  I don't know.  It might be better for my sanity.  I would have more time to focus on my art, that's for sure.  By working hard on that over the past few months, I got into two shows this summer.  I didn't need flaky people who claim to be friends to achieve that.  I have been wondering if I should just focus on making connections in art and travel rather than work.  The work relationships have been nothing but depressing for me.  Even those that heal still hurt due to unresolved damage.  I just want to go to my job, do the best I do, have a positive impact on the kids, and go home at 3.05.  I don't want that place to be my life anymore because I know in my heart I don't belong there.  I know in my heart that I belong where the art is and where they speak other languages.

I like to ride a bike on rail trails.  Apparently harder than I thought.  I found out that for the last few rides, I put the front tire on backwards (the treads were in the wrong direction) and I had the brakes engaged the whole time since I hoked them up wrong.  No wonder I was having to pedal so hard.  On the upside, my thighs are hard as a rock.  At least I am not getting weaker as I had thought.  Just making idiotic moves. 

I checked out my schedule.  So far, no drastic changes.  All photo.  Hooray.  I picked up a wonderful book at bluestockings yesterday and already starting in on it.  It aligns with how I want more socially responsible teaching.  I will also revisit my book on teaching from Zinn's history of the US.  If I go along with those two this year, I should be back to what I want to do:  teach socially responsible young adults.

So the social justice group I am in has a lot of tech people and a few teachers.  I tabled with a teacher on Sunday.  We were talking a little bit.  We are both of the mindset that teachers need the summer off.  We put so many hours in over the school year that we need the summer to recharge.  We are "on" all the time.  We are on stage with a demanding audience.  The manner in which he referred to his lack of free time made me realize he is a true teacher, not just a coaster.  He knows what it takes to teach and what it takes out of you.

Which gets me to my point.  I am the chair of this organization.  There are some people who seem to have endless amounts of time in which they can do work for the group.  In more than a few instances, I have gotten the feeling that I am letting them down with my lack of free time.  I know I do not compare to the previous leaders.  In my mind, at least I stepped up to run when no one else would. 

The thing is, I am involved with a state union committee, I run a club, I am the treasurer of a town organization, and I try to do my own art on the side.  I am a public school teacher.  That is very different than working in IT or other areas of the private sector where - based on the friends I have in IT - there are times of lots of nothing and then times of lots to work.  I am not in a cushy lots of free time university teaching job with copious amount of time off.  I have NO FREE TIME during the school day.  Period.  I can barely schedule time to take a piss.  Yet there were times it was clear people were waiting for a response from me in an email chain or on the slack channel.  I hate to break it to you people, but it is not going to happen.  Yes, this group is vital to me - has been since I joined in 2012 - but my job and my students take precedence during the school day.  From the time I wake up at 5.00 am to get to work at 6.00 am until I get home around 4.00 pm, I may or may not be available for any political work.  That is just the way it is.  I appreciate the comments about how great we teachers are but I have found out it is merely lip service.  If you can find the time to surf twitter, gab on the slack channel, and peruse the atrocities going on around the world, you are in a more privileged position that I am.  You are probably making exponentially more than I am.  I will say this right here:  I think IT jobs are crap and do not deserve the money and respect they get.  Most IT people I know are privileged white hipster dudes and dudettes with an awful lot of free time that I do not have.  If I am up at midnight during the school year, sorry for not working on politics.  It is because I can't sleep over some issue with a student, I am grading work, or I have anxiety over the horrendous working situation most of us public school teachers are in day in and day out.  If I was still working in publishing, I would sure have a lot more time to put in.  I would be on top of all emails and chats during the day.  You see, I used to work in the private sector and know the difference between that work day and the work day of a public school teacher. 

The school year starts in a couple of weeks.  I will be less available.  People will be pissed.  Tough shit.  My kids come first.  The work I do in the classroom is political as well and I am doing this each and every day of the school year.  I might not be the saviour other leaders were, but I am the only public sector worker who offered to step up and I am managing quite well considering.  Now, I am going to go outside, garden, read, and enjoy my well deserved time off.