We receive year end evaluations that are composed of a combination of numbers - our observation ratings, SGO ratings (based on how our kids test) and other stuff.  I received mine yesterday and am happy with it.  I am in the highest level.  Woohoo!  I distributed catnip Friday night and made a cat daddy and his kitty happy.  My pool is open and my flowers are blooming.  My garden is a riot of color.

So why am I bummed?  Well, the depression is kicking my ass right now.  I am trying to teach at the end of the school year.  And it is a challenge.  As my MDW kid told me, when you have 7 periods of teachers showing movies, when one period has a teacher trying to teach, it is hard for the student to be motivated to work.  Thanks, colleagues.  You might say the kid was exaggerating.   Not so.  My colleague was out yesterday and her substitute confirmed that many of the teachers she is subbing for lately are just showing movies.  Thanks.

Then we have kids who - though one kid told me it isn't personal - seem hell bent on hurting the teachers who love them.  One dear woman upstairs from me was driven to tears last week.  Me?  I cry in private.  Station 10 or home.

So I am getting to work on revamping stuff for next year.  I have pretty strict stuff I have to teach in Photo I, but there is more flexibility in level 2.  They want us to work on the social and engagement end of things here.  Fine with me.  These kids don't know how to have truly deep conversations, back and forth.  They know how to talk but not listen.  I want to work on changing that.  I might not succeed, but at least I can try.  I want to go back to regular critique, no matter how cringe inducing they are.  I want to have more socially relevant work and I want to introduce the kids to more photographers.  I know they hate that stuff, and I let them direct me away from it,  But where has that gotten me?  I ran the class looser this year and they still quit on my this June.

So I am kind of counting the days until summer.  I have few friends so I look forward to music, dancing, gardening, kitty naps, art making, solitary adventures, and living in my bathing suit.

When I was in high school, I worked hard.  I wanted to go to school for art and I wanted to go away to college.  My dad brought me to sessions run by far away colleges.  My high school teacher encouraged me.  Then it all stopped.  I never heard anything from my teacher about colleges after some point.  She didn't encourage me in any way.  It is no secret I am not happy with where I went to school.  I have always wondered if my mother intervened and told my teacher to stop it.  My mother let me and my dad know I was not to go away.   I had to commute.  This might seem so far fetched, but when you know all the other manipulative things she did, it is plausible.

So when I have students who have talent and opportunity and they squander it, I get angry.  They have chances to do stuff with their talent - talent I had not developed at their age - and they would rather party.  I have one kid who is probably the best I have had in a few years.  He sits and does nothing for two periods.  He comes in, but does not work.  One thing he told me that the experience of coming back to school was boring compared to the fun of Memorial Day weekend.  Imagine that!  I was floored.  How can I compete with MDW?  I can't.  And to this kid, that was totally understandable.

Then I have the kids who have talent and are doing nothing or not showing up for whatever inane reason.  And there is work to be done.  I am not one of those lazy teachers who will show movies for the rest of the year.  I can't.  Never mind the fact that if I slip up, there is always someone there to spotlight that transgression.  There are a number of us in this situation here.  So I keep trying to teach.  And I get kids staring at their monitors light they are hypnotized.

I know they are teenagers and their priorities are not on school.  However, when I was in school, the partiers managed to come in every day, get the work done, and keep a job.  I worked from the time I was 14, kept good grades, and made it in to school nearly every day.  I know the partiers were doing their thing.  I heard them talk.  But they were in school the next day, doing their work.  They did not keep the teacher from teaching because they were figuring out how to get their shore house for the weekend or gabbing about the shenanigans at last night's party.  And I do not know why I am supposed to be okay and cool with this.  I am angry at the lack of work ethic.

Then I hear that there are teachers talking about their party days with the kids.  And I know why I am not cool and I am the killjoy.  I just cannot be that person.  Forever uncool.

So why do I go online anymore?  I guess I have to because of the political work I do.  But every now and then I get a reminder of how little I matter.

Each year I get kids who say they will keep in touch after they graduate.  Like a fool, I used to believe that.  After last year I am not acting like the positive gal I never really was.  There are kids who say they want to go for coffee, tea, a chat.  Sure, I would do it.  As a person with few friends without four paws, I will take any chance to socialize and catch up with my former students.  But the calls never come.  Mom, there is a reason I am so negative.

So I go online and see more photos of a former student who wanted to keep in touch.  Out with a colleague.  Yup.  The kids really do keep in touch with former teachers.  Just. Not. Me.  And here I am answering any message from a kid who sends me a request for help.  Need help with your college class/advisor/life?  I'm here for you.  Need to find a way to let me know how much I meant to you for being there for you day and night when you were in high school?  Not so much from their end.

The teachers have a countdown to the end of the year.  They do it every year.  I don't.  The real reason is because I love most of my kids so much, I don't want to know when it is ending.  The reason I tell everyone is that I like to be surprised that vacation is here.  The first week of summer is a time of withdrawal.  I miss my kids so much.  I miss the talks and the personal connection.  Except for going to the club, I see no one over the summer.  It's me and my cats and my plants.  I might see my friend Jon once or twice for coffee when he takes the motorcycle through my town.  That's it.

If you think the fact that I have no friends is why I cling to the students, you are wrong.  I was always like this with my kids.  I still think of the kids I had my first years of teaching.  They just don't think of me.  All I ever wanted was to spread my love for the arts and my ideas about how to be a good human being.  I want to help my students enjoy life way more than I could ever have.  I hated school.  I want to make sure that for 45 minutes a day, my kids are enjoying something.

So I won't do the count down.  I don't want to know when it is ending.  They might come in a little less as the year draws to a close and talk a little less because they hate school so much and hate being here.  Me?  I will still cherish the few days I have left with them until I never see or hear from them again.

Unless they need something from me.  Then, like a sucker, I will respond in a heartbeat.

Teaching can be a lonely business.  You are surrounded by people:  kids, colleagues and - increasingly - administrators.  Yet, if no once cares about each other, you are still alone.  I found out that a colleague who is supposed to consider bringing us together referred to others as "clowns".  It is Teacher Appreciation Week.  I never worked a place where I felt more unappreciated.

I attended a meeting at the state union offices last night.  I am on a committee with representatives from other counties all over the state.  We all had complaints that were very similar.  However, there was one thing they all had in common that I did not:  supportive colleagues.  Having this meeting on the actual Teacher Appreciation Day really was depressing.  I had to drive home an hour and a half with this running through my brain.  Sure, we got cookies and a two sentence email of thanks.  Others got nothing, but they've got so much more.  They work with colleagues who like each other and stick by each other.  They also have kids who show regular appreciation.  Not words, but actions.

I guess that's what is really missing here.  The kids complain ALL THE TIME.  There is always some right of theirs that is being trampled on.  The indignity of wearing an ID of having to wait a couple of minutes to take a piss really is so inhumane.  I think of their complaints each time I have to piss and have to wait an hour and a half or when my ID get snagged in some equipment or the radiator or the matte cutter, again.  It wouldn't be so bad if there was love and caring from the kids on a regular basis, as there used to be.  But that is dissipating.  Did the last governor do his job and get the people to think we are evil and now the kids are starting to think so?  Is disrespect more "in" now?  The loss of this from the kids makes it hard.

Add to this the lack of caring or respect from colleagues and you have a perfect situation for a gal with depression to need more medication.  I know I work in a messed up place and we have some hard times we are going through, but last night made it worse.  There are so many things wrong in education right now due to the actions of the previous administration in Trenton.  We are reeling from it all.  But to hear so many people tell each other that they and their colleagues have each others' backs, it hurts.  The people who try to make trouble or kiss up number about five in any given building.  Not where I am.  I should wear a pair of wellies to walk the halls with all the ass kissing and the remarkable shit shows going on.

There are colleagues who can understand a nasty man taking a bogus no work $100,000+ position because he has needs, but they will rip apart a colleague for taking a $4,000 stipended position that involves tons of hours of work.  It's not what you know or who you know.  People's ideals are screwed up and respect and camaraderie is the last thing on anyone's mind.  People undercut each other.  They tell their kids their classes are the most important.  They cultivate a sense of fear in the students such that the kids do their work in your class but confiscate your equipment if it comes out in theirs, despite your rules about when and where to shoot photos.

I walk in here each day past a program that I am told will take my darkroom away in any number of years.  I try to love my students as they are rude and cranky with me for inane reasons.  I try to be polite to my colleagues knowing what they think of me and my "fluff" program.  I try to be kind to my administrators and guidance counselors knowing they are doing their best to shift kids from my class.  It sucks.  I can't wait for June and I no longer wish for the year to go on.  I want it to go away.  Happy Teacher Appreciation Week.

How can one write about education when the law forbids you from speaking against your administration and board of education?  How can you let parents/guardians and students know they are being wronged when you are censored?  Why bother blogging when there is nothing you can say without being reprimanded and possibly punished?

Well, I can write about my colleagues.

I believe we should work together as one.  We support each other and do nothing that will be to another's detriment.  My colleagues do not see things the same.  In our state, we have Student Growth Objectives (SGO) that have a bearing on how we are evaluated each year.  This is in addition to the yearly evaluations we have to endure.  Students are given a pre-assessment of some sort (test, performance, etc.) and we then predict how they will grow as the year goes on.  This growth is determined by performance on quarterly based assessments/exams.  We are instructed to not give any tests during quarterly assessment weeks.  My dear colleagues (usually the men, natch) have a way around this.  They call the tests "quizzes".  They are brilliant!  So what happens?  The students have already been told they are in classes that are the most important in the building.  History and mathematics take precedence over all other disciplines.  This creates a problem for the student.  Study for the quarterly exam in the special class (art, music, etc.) or study for the male-taught most important quiz of the marking period.  What does the student do?  Study for the "quiz" and blow off your quarterly exam.  The grade on the exam is abysmal, thus messing up the teacher's SGO.  But who cares because History and Math are the only classes that count?

So here is my issue:  My colleagues' actions are screwing up my rating as an employee.  And no one is blowing the whistle.  The men doing this are all men who are ass-kissers with administration.  They cultivate an aura of hipness with the students.  They revel in being worshipped by kids they don't care about after graduation.  And there are no consequences.  And no one has made a peep about it.  My observations are good.  I am a highly rated teachers in all respects on paper.  But then when the students are pressured to study for too many exams, what do you think takes a back seat?  Photography.

I will be bringing this up to administration.  I just need to find the right way to do it so that it does not seem like I am being petty.  I have no reason to be petty at this job.  I do have a reason to not want to see my students screw up their grades by choosing what to study for and a reason to not see my colleagues have their SGOs suffer.  It is ironic that the gal who supposedly hates sports is more of a team player than the men who have been coaches.

This place is full of irony.

It is course selection time in my school and it feels like a fight for survival.  I teach an elective.  The demand for my classes could fill 10 periods a day according to the guidance department.  Yet, I fight for my survival every year.  We have become a training ground for cops.  The number of criminal justice courses is mind boggling.  Then there is the plethora of AP courses being added.  I took AP courses in high school.  Are there really that many kids of that caliber in every school?  No.  But a number of AP courses in your course of studies sure makes your school look like it has a rigorous program.

And there is that word:  rigor.  How rigorous is your program if the majority of your teachers use all provided materials from the textbook company or the college board?  How rigorous is your program if the campus cop is the one doing most of the teaching when they do not have a teaching degree?  How rigorous is your program if the main goal is to get everyone into college, even though most of them drop out within two years?

So the guidance department has to shift kids to the new courses.  Then there are the teachers that pressure your kids to take their classes, despite what the student wants.  And what are the students doing one, two, three years later?  Dropped out of the college we bragged about them getting into.  Dropped out of the pre-med, pre-law, pre-whatever program because they were never really suited for it anyway.

So The Guardian recently published an article about why Britain should not be lessening the emphasis and offerings of the arts in schools.  It talked about the role the arts plays in educating the whole person.  There are benefits to an exposure to and an understanding of the arts that go beyond career prospects.  The increase in empathy, ability to assess and analyze, the ability to interpret a situation...  These are all tied to a strong foundation in the arts.

Then I think of an article I read over 10 years ago.  A city had an art museum educator take a bunch of cops on a tour of the place.  She taught them how to interpret the works they were looking at.  They then took that ability to interpret and role played assessing a situation on the job.  They learned to deescalate a situation or get to the root of an issue much more effectively.  This didn't just help them but also helped those in the community they police.

So all of this is on my mind and I start to think about my kids.  There are those with an innate talent who use it post graduation and those who waste it.  I see that those who eliminate the creative part of themselves lost something in their personalities.  Those who lost the creativity and find it again have conveyed to me that they had a sense of loss when they were not creating. I don't think everyone can have a career in the arts.  I don't want to see that.  Society needs people to fulfill a variety of needs.  But if you keep connected to the creative side of you, you take those lessons and skills into whatever you do.  If you drop your creative side, dealing drugs, stealing people's money by working on Wall Street, working as a lawyer, whatever shady thing you do makes you devoid of any substance.  Pick up the camera, drawing pen, guitar, journal, and stay in touch with your creative side.  

This isn't for me.  I don't have many years left in me if this place keeps going the way it is.  But I love and care about my kids and what happens to them after they leave me.  What kind of member of society will they be?  Will they help society shift to being more caring for each other, able to read who needs help and caring and wanting to give that love and care?  Or will they be chasing the next thrill or wad of cash, regardless of who they hurt in trying to make that deal?  This country has enough cops, corrections officers, lawyers, and financial robbers.  We need more humans.

So I am not the type to make New Year's resolutions,  However, here is an early one:  I am opening my mouth more.  I know, some colleagues think I have a big mouth.  I speak up for my students.  I shine a spotlight on the rampant racism and sexism in this building.  I was vocal about the homophobia.  Luckily, that is pretty under control - that's what happens when some stuff becomes a hot topic in the media.

However, when it comes to pointing out what is harmful to our kids, I need to be more vocal.  My co-workers might say I was already vocal enough.  I don't think I have been. I read the following article in two parts.


http://www.nj.com/education/2017/12/teachers_accused_of_sexual_misconduct_keep_getting.html#incart_most-readnews

I had to split the reading because I wanted to scream, cry, or punch something.  I have said certain former employees should be in prison for their actions.  However, the hero worship in my building is such that people tune me out.  They think I do not like certain people because I wanted to be favoured and I was not.

That is not and never was the case.  I tried to blow the whistle at my job.  I was told to "drop it" and was then intimidated thereafter.  I was treated cruelly by certain administrators.  Meanwhile, the offending individual still teaches in my school.  I sense there are many teachers in my situation.  To top it all off, the offenders are respected within the building.  I am not.

I read the above article and wanted to cry.  How many of the districts were ones I applied to in my four year struggle to find a permanent full time job?  How many women were passed over?  I had one principal point out that I was a young woman who would probably be going on a maternity leave soon.  

And there are two issues at play here in this issue of administrators sweeping this shit under the rug:  

1.  The administration of a district does not want to do its due diligence, the paper work, the investigation to protect those they are supposed to protect:  the students.  All that matters is the reputation of the school.

2.  The sexism associated with protecting the men.  It's that old boys' club protection of each other.  How many qualified women went for those jobs and were passed over?  What is it in a man that causes him to not be disgusted by such behavior when committed against kids?  What is it that drives a man to not want to do the legwork that gets rid of a person who abuses students?  Why is protecting each other more important than protecting a student?

What can a teacher do?  Report what he or she knows.  What can an administrator do?  Report and do due diligence to stop the behavior in one's district an anywhere else.  What can members of the community do?  Report something to a trusted teacher.  Do not let things be "dropped."

I am so troubled by this article and want to cry.